Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, I'm am not earning money from this and I am doing this for pleasure. Let Sleeping Chocabos Lie
Aeris skipped into the Casa Cloudie Poo, brimming with excitement. Her bouncy entrance received barely a glance, as the rest of the household were deeply involved in worshipping the television. Aeris stood in front of the television, a manic grin on her cherub lips.
"Get outta the "£&(("£$"("way, we're trying to watch Bastard Squad," said Cid, in his shockingly eloquent manner. Aeris didn't budge, but merely turned the television off.
"Everyone, I have THE coolest news!" shrieked Aeris, hopping from one foot to another. "I've been made head of the world toilet agency! So if you want any changes, tell me now!"
Aeris's declaration was met with a stunned silence. The idea of anyone being insane enough to put Aeris in charge of an organisation was a bit too much for them to digest. Red recovered first.
"Toilets too high. I end up misfiring. Not good for general hygiene of bathroom" he said, nodding his head. Eyes moved from Aeris to Red. It was enough to break the ice, and a barrage of comments followed.
"Fag dispensers" added Cid, lighting up again.
"Loo roll is on the wrong side. It's on my gun arm side, I tell ya, I always end up having to go around the whole day feeling damp!" said Barret, raising the gun arm that was the bane of his bathroom rituals.
"I feel for ya man! It's the same with my claw, I have to go around feeling damp! Not a nice feeling in velvet trousers!" added Vincent, wriggling about in his velvet trousers.
"So...Vinny...does that mean you go commando?" asked Yuffie, slyly cocking up a nearly non-existent eyebrow. Vinny's cheeks reddened.
"Vinny...think fast....uhhhhhhhhh.....I wear velvet boxers as well! The whole velvet hog, that's me!" stuttered Vinny. Luckily, Vinny's camp declaration was soon overshadowed by Cloud's request.
"Sword holder. Mine always ends up falling in.," he said.
Aeris beamed and let out a low giggle.
"Thanks guys! So many new ideas! I'll go to HQ straightaway and tell them about this!" she said, bouncing out of the room.
Tifa who had remained silent throughout the whole exchange, let out a low whistle. She narrowed her eyes conspiratorially and adopted an evil smirk on her pouty lips.
"This might have possibilities" she said thoughtfully, gently prodding Cloud.
"What the %&£(£££" do you mean?" asked Cid rudely, never one to wait for anything.
"We could make the mechanism in the toilet different, so it reverses" said Tifa, grinning. Red caught on immediately.
"So it sucks people in?" he asked. Tifa nodded, and was about to continue, when Barret suddenly interrupted.
"I can see it now" he said dreamily, "I walk into the street, proud and strong. I don't have my guilty secret anymore. For, I AM DRY!"
Barret's eyes half closed, in a dream like daze.
"Yeah, you can walk about without discomfort. Can you imagine a world without discomfort?" said Vinny, sitting in a lotus position.
"Do you want to go and imagine" Barret asked Vinny. Vinny nodded, and left, dragging their yoga mats behind them.
Cloud looked up from his crossword puzzle. "Who woulda known that those two were actually closeted hippies?" he said. Tifa shrugged.
"Praise the Lord!" shouted Cid. Everyone turned to look at him in shock, as he managed to say a sentence without a stream of profanity.
"Speaking of thanking god, we'd better because then he might give us our wishes!" shrieked Yuffie, twirling a lock of hair around her fingers.
They all drop down to pray.
"God, give me super strong hair gel...."muttered Cloud.
"A cigarette that never burns out..." pleaded Cid, taking a puff of one of his lucky strikes.
"All the magic in the world....mastered as well, none of this shitty having to level up business" was Yuffie's unselfish wish.
"All litter tray, big enough to hold 7 days worth...." Was Red's request"A glove, made out of chocolate...."muttered Tifa.
'Now back to the toilet thing' said Yuffie, clapping her hands.
'We can make it, so it sucks people in....and then Aeris tests it out and she gets sucked in!' said Cloud, in a rare moment of inspiration.
'A world without Aeris....heaven' sighed Tifa, opening her locket with its picture of Aeris, the face scrubbed out.
'No more alien eyed girl!' shouted Cloud joyfully.'I could extend my shrine to Cloud to her wardrobe!' said Tifa dreamily.
Several pairs of eyes turn to look at her. Cid coughs. Tifa turns on him.
'Oh come on Cid! We all know about your shrine to Dynasty' she said accusingly, narrowing her eyes.
Red chuckled and nudged Cid with his paw.
'For someone whom prides himself on his, erm, EXTENSIVE vocabulary, it's laughable that he should like something so trashy as Dynasty. And don't get me started on Hawaii Five-O......' said Red slyly.
'No more decorum! My leather shorts, no longer replaced by gingham dresses!' shrieked Yuffie, wiggling her behind in her beloved leather shorts.
'Heaven....'they all said, in unison.
Cloud slumped down in his laz-ee boy recliner, but suddenly sat bolt upright.
'I've got it!' he shouted. Cid bent over languidly and extracted a squished Twinkie from the carpet.
'At last, someone's found the remote control' said Cid, ramming the squished Twinkie in his mouth.
'I wish it were so! Nope, we should spread a rumour that Aeris is an alien, as well!' said Cloud.
'Yeah! And get her back to telling everyone that I shop at K-Mart!' said Cid fiercely.
A moment of dead silence. A cricket chirps. All eyes on Cid.'Okaaaay' said Yuffie, furrowing her brow, before collapsing into mirth. The others all quickly followed suit.
'You fools! Don't you know anything about bargain clothes? Why spend so much on clothes, when you could spend it on tea!!??!' shouted Cid plaintively, over the collected mirth.
The group stare at him in confusion. Tifa smoothes down her Dolce and Gabbana skirt.
'That comment is lost on us, fashionable people, with taste' she said in a prissy voice, admiring the ruby ring on her finger.
'Yeah Cid, soon you'll start telling us to wash our clothes instead of throwing them out and buying new ones!' Cloud said, screwing up his day old Armani shirt and throwing it in the bin.
Cid leaves the room, muttering profanities under his breath.
'One down....who's next?' snarled Red, trying his best evil grin, but failing entirely, as he'd forgotten to put his dentures in this morning. Eyes turn to Yuffie.
'Whatever Red, we all know about your oh-so little crush on Madonna' she said blithely. Red silently leaves with his tail between his legs.
Cloud drags his attention away from the remains on the mashed Twinkie on the carpet.
'That thing Red's got going is slightly worrying' said Cloud, with no particular tone.
'We'll look into later. But first, we must deal with the matter in hand' replied Tifa.
'What?' asked Cloud, chewing on his Twinkie.
Tifa and Yuffie looked at one another and sighed. Ever since Cloud had got Mako poisoning, he had found it hard to grasp simple ideas, like changing his undies and washing regularly....
Yuffie shrugged and launched into her spiel.
'Here's the plan. Cloud will ride his Gold chocobo to round Island. That's where the Toilet Headquarters are. He can sneak into the building and then draw the reverse mechanism into the blue prints of the normal toilets. Meanwhile, Tifa can be spreading rumours that Aeris is an alien' concluded Yuffie.
'But if she's gonna be sucked into the toilet, there's no need to spread rumours about her, is there?' asked Cloud.
'True. You do have a point there, but when she's sucked in, we don't want her to remembered as the Sweet Flower Girl, do we?' replied Yuffie.
'Nice one Yuffie. The rumours will make everyone remember her as an Alien with strange eyes!' grinned Tifa, drumming her fingers on the scarred coffee table.
'Fair enough. I'll go to the stables and collect Goldie' said Cloud, rising to leave.
'I'll go and tell the rumour to the local gossips on every town!' stated Tifa, heading up to her room to change.
'Better work on black mailing Red into making the mechanism...' sighed Yuffie, snatching up her shuriken.
End of Chapter One.
New chapter format and layout! Wahey!
Chapters have been edited, expect Chapter Two up shortly.