In The Darkest Hour
"I'm having a bad day."
He sat down next to her and she regretted the words immediately. She was good at compartmentalizing, she always had been. But sometimes, sometimes something set it off abd it all got too much for her. Whatever emotions and thoughts she stuffed in the back of her mind came back up to the surface with a vengeance. Tonight, was no exception. Doyle was gone but even in death, he still left her with a mess to clean up. Even in death, her monster still lurked around in the shadows, waiting to swallow her whole.
"Hey, you're shaking." He placed his hand on top hers in an attempt to steady her.
"Hotch I," She exhaled, closing her eyes. "I take it you heard…"
He didn't say anything at first, just stared at her. She wondered if he could see the bags under her eyes or the fact that she was still picking at her fingernails. Or the fact that she'd been having way too much caffeine lately. Probably, he was a profiler. Although she mused that it didn't take one to realize she had demons and they were haunting her. He continued staring and she just wanted to disappear.
He still hadn't taken his hand off hers when he asked. "How much sleep have you been getting?"
"Six hours." She replied curtly. "Maybe four."
He raised an eyebrow, unconvinced. "A night?"
She glanced down and he knew the answer. "I'm fine Hotch… It's just a bad day."
"Emily," His thumb stroked her hand and there was a softness to his voice that she wasn't used to hearing from him. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want but I'm here. And you know, I have been told I'm a good listener."
"In Paris I always imagined my return, what it would be like to come back and be here again. Sometimes, it was the only thing that kept me going. Long days alone have a way of keeping you up." She sighed averting her gaze to the window. "You know I'm not close with my mother, not to fault her it's just the way it's always been. I don't get attached to people, it's not who I am. I know Garcia always jokes about it and we go along with it. But this team…this team is my family and I had to leave my family."
She bit her lip and pulled her hand away. She had turned her head away from him but he saw it. He saw the tears in her eyes, threatening to boil over. Ever since he met her, he knew she went out of her way to avoid showing vulnerability. Even now, after all these years and everything they all have gone through, she was still hesitant to express weakness. He understood why, Jordan had brought up a valid point when she told him that his team followed his lead. And he knew that he kept himself especially guarded but he needed to get through to her. So, he stayed quiet, waiting for her to gather her thoughts.
The view from the window seemed to serve as another barrier. "I think as crazy as it sounds... I think this job saved me. Or rather you saved me. When I first joined this team, I didn't have anyone in my life that I trusted completely. If my life had taught me anything up to that point, it would be that trust makes you vulnerable. And vulnerability is never a good thing. I know you didn't trust me either."
He opened his mouth to say something but she cut him off. "Don't. It's okay. I was this eager wide-eyed agent that suddenly popped out of nowhere at a time when things weren't exactly going smoothly. And my last name was Prentiss. I would have thought that too. And you were right, look what happened. Strauss wanted me to turn on the team…turn on you. But I couldn't. Not just because I hate politics, which I do. With a fiery passion."
They both got lost in the memory of him knocking at her door all those years ago, she shook her head and continued. "I realized that there was something about you, about this team that I couldn't figure out. When Sean told me about Doyle I realized that I did have a family. A place, people I felt…safe with. I finally had found a real home. A place where I could be myself. And that terrified me because for the first time I realized that it wasn't my own vulnerability I was worried about. And it was no longer just me and my life I was protecting. If you guys hadn't cared about me so much. If we hadn't been so close I-I would've actually died that night in the warehouse, all alone. And that thought…the fact that I put you all through that terrifies me. Sometimes it makes me worried that I'm going to lose you all again…There are nights I feel as though maybe it would've been better if-I shouldn't have made it off the table."
"Emily, there is nothing you can do that will make any of us leave. I think we all have been through so much, so much has happened in our lives and it's only cemented the bond this team has created. I know you think you're indebted to us but you're not. You know why. You did it for Declan, you did it for us. You protect your family. You protect the people you care about. No matter what. Everyone in this team knows that. No one is ever going to leave you, not anyone who's coming home on this jet. Emily, everyone here loves you. Take it from me, when you 'died', this team wasn't the same. This family falls apart when we're not together. I think we all know that..." This time it was her hand that was placed on top of his for comfort. "When Jack and Haley went into witness protection, I tried distancing myself from everyone. And when Haley died, I tried to completely close myself off from everyone here, you know that. You also know that it didn't work. I pushed people away because I didn't believe that I deserved to be anything but guilty and miserable... I believed that I wasn't worthy of this team's support. But there's things I've learned over the years. No matter what we think of ourselves, or whatever dark place we go to, the rest of us will pull each other out. No matter what happens to us, what we do, we all deserve love and people that care about us. You're no exception to that. And I know you're having difficulty with that but soon you're start to see it."
"I never had…this. Unconditional love with no string attached. Sometimes I forget." She shook her head, and wiped the wetness from her cheeks. "I think I might need reminding every once in a while."
"I will gladly remind you of that. Whenever you need it." This time when he smiled and her, the smile she gave back was genuine. "Jack's been asking about you. I'd never pressure you but the offer for dinner is always on the table."
"That depends." Her smile widened and a teasing element had crept its way into her voice. "Is it a four course Italian dinner?"
"Unfortunately, you've got the wrong man." He chuckled and she felt herself leaning into her chair at his relaxed tone. "But I can promise you cheap wine and the excitement of a youngling who adores you."
She felt herself laughing and for the first time in what felt like a lifetime, she was genuinely happy. Granted, she still had issues that needed to be worked through but she didn't feel as though their weight would make her collapse. They stopped their conversation when they heard the rest of the team filtering in.
"Tell him I would love to." She spoke softly, her eyes never leaving his. "And thank you."
"Anytime." The rest of the team didn't miss the look that passed between them or the fact that they pulled their hands away from each other. The rest of the team pattered around them and settled in for the journey back.
As she heard the pilot speak, her gaze traveled to the view from the window. Her hands had steadied and her headache had stopped. The demons were there, she still felt her monster lurking in the shadows, watching, waiting. But she was getting stronger. And she refused to let her demons win. She had come too far, gone through too much to let them beat her. Besides, she knew that even if she fell down, the others would help her defeat whatever stood in her path. Because damn it, they were a family and she knew they would walk through hell together if that meant everyone got saved in the end. She wasn't by any means okay yet, but she was getting there. And maybe that would be enough for the time being.