That Nothing Feeling

Summary: No amount of police training could stop Kerry from feeling nothing on what was the worst night of her life. [AU, season one]
A/N: This story is a bit of a dark alternative ending to Kerry's drink driving storyline in episode nine.

Fight, flight or freeze. She'd heard it many times before; they were often the responses many people experienced when faced with some kind of traumatic or fearful event.

Response number one: Fight.

Fighting back should have come easy, or rather, naturally, for someone like Kerry. She was a cop, and had been ever since she was 21. She was pretty good at defending herself if she had to. That was the first problem though, if she had to. She never thought she would have to defend herself against someone senior to her. Someone who she was supposed to look up to.

Response number two: Flight.

Running should have been easy for Kerry too. She had two feet and two legs, all of which were capable of moving when she wanted them to. Only this time was different. And it had nothing to do with the high heels she was wearing.

Response number three (and the most common): Freeze.

There was no amount of police training or 'toughness' that could have stopped Kerry's body from freezing, from being completely still, as she was assaulted later on that night. She'd merely watched, whimpering helplessly, as her dress was ripped and dark red blood ran down her legs. Soon she was feeling nothing but empty, and her thoughts took her back to earlier in the evening...

/ / /

He was relatively handsome and he seemed pretty friendly too. Kerry noted that last point because he was laughing and constantly smiling at the person he was talking to. Her first mistake, however, was merely thinking those things, because it was then that he first noticed her. He smiled in her direction, slowly making his way over to where she was standing. "Hey," he said, the smile stayed on his face.

"Hi," she answered, pausing as she glanced down at his name tag, "John."

It was around this moment, that, in hindsight, Kerry should've smiled politely, turned around and walked away from 'John'. But she didn't. She let him get her a glass of wine, which was followed by another, and another... and that was it, her fate with him was sealed and the rest of the night turned to shit.

/ / /

Kerry wasn't sure how long it had been since the incident, or how long she had been driving for, when the flashing blue and red lights ahead of her finally seemed to wake her (at least a little) from the dazed state she was in.

Subconsciously however, she took her foot off the accelerator and the car slowed down, eventually coming to a stop some 20 to 30 metres from where the police were. Knowing that avoiding a random breath testing unit was usually one of the first signs of a drunk or drug driver, a police officer ran towards Kerry's car, while another made a move to get into one of the patrol cars.

Only Kerry didn't take off, unlike a lot of drivers would in this position.

The first police officer knocked on her window, and startled by the sound, she slowly wound it down. "Can I see your drivers licence please, m'am?" he asked, using a stern and authoritative voice. It was only then, while Kerry was reaching over to the passenger seat to get her purse, that the officer noticed her torn dress and blood stains running in various crooked lines down her legs. Feeling concerned about her wellbeing, he then asked, "Are you alright?" as Kerry handed him her licence.

"Yep," was all she could answer, her voice quavering slightly, but not enough for him to notice. It was an automatic, almost robotic, response. Her mind had left her body somehow, and that nothing feeling hit her again; she felt no pain, no anger, no guilt.

Not a fucking thing.

/ / /

Sitting in his usual spot in front of the computer, Leon rubbed his hands together, almost wickedly. He'd just received a phone call from the St Kilda police, regarding Kerry. He didn't know the full story, just the words Kerry and RBT, but it had him feeling rather gleeful. "Hey Lawson," Leon said into the radio, smiling as he talked, "Do you guys want to head down to Albert Park Lake... it might be worth your while!"

"Why? What's there?" asked Lawson, wondering what game Leon could be playing this time.

"It's Kerry. She's been picked up by the cops!" he chuckled, deeply amused.

Scoffing, Lawson glanced across at Stella, who was driving, "What for?"

Leon was still chuckling, loud enough to be heard over the radio, "Well it's an RBT, so DUI one would assume. She was at a work piss-up. I would pay to see her face when they book her!"

Lawson motioned for Stella to drive to Albert Park, who understood what he meant despite his unusual hand gestures. "Oh, and she's going to be so happy to see us, isn't she?" Lawson eventually answered, annoyed.

"Can I come?"

The look on Lawson's face suggested that not only was he annoyed, he was also quite unimpressed. He wasn't looking forward to what he thought was coming. Although he only had Leon's word, he knew that Kerry didn't mind a drink or three. Lawson did, however, think it was surprising that she would be drink driving. Kerry was a whole lot smarter than that.

/ / /

When they arrived at Albert Park Lake, Lawson was slightly confused upon seeing an ambulance parked on the side of the road, near the RBT. Unable to see Kerry, he couldn't help but frown. He'd half-expected to find Kerry in hand cuffs, sitting down on the curb somewhere, yelling obscenities. Lawson undid his seatbelt and got out the car before Stella had a chance to put the handbrake on and switch off the ignition.

An officer, seeing them arrive, started walking towards Lawson, holding out his hand just before they reached one another, "Sergeant Russell Dempsey," he told Lawson as they shook hands and stood still.

"Senior Sergeant Lawson Blake, Tactical Response. So... what's going on here?"

Russell sighed softly before he began to tell Lawson what happened, "A car pulled up, fairly close to the RBT site, and we immediately thought it was someone trying to avoid it. Ya know, someone who was going to do a u-turn and drive away. But it wasn't until I went over to the car that I saw something was wrong."

Lawson's eyes narrowed at Russell's last few words, unsure of where this story was going, "Okay..."

"When she handed me her I.D, I saw that her dress was ripped from the bottom of it and there was blood running down her legs. Dry blood," he continued, ushering Lawson in the direction of the ambulance. "I did a breath test on her... she blew slightly over, but at that point, the amount of alcohol in her system wasn't what I was worried about. And it was when I helped her out of the car, she told me she worked at Tactical Response. So we got someone to call you guys."

"None of that explains the ripped dress and the blood though," Lawson concernly observed, finally seeing a figure who looked to be Kerry, sitting in the back of the ambulance with a dark grey blanket around her shoulders.

"No..."

/ / /

From inside the too brightly lit, nausea inducing ambulance, Kerry looked on as one of the paramedics chatted to Lawson, using his hands for emphasis as he explained what was happening. She quickly decided that she wanted to get up and tell Lawson that whatever he was being told, it was a load of shit. But as she made an attempt to move, the paramedic who was sitting nearby stopped her, "It's okay, stay seated for a little while longer. You're still in shock," the woman, who looked so much older than she probably was, said to her, soothingly.

Kerry gave her a quick glance of disapproval. I'm not in shock, you stupid bitch, she thought, eventually gazing past the paramedic, in the direction of where Lawson was standing. She watched the expression on his face change. At first, he looked like a typical cop listening to some bullshit witness, nodding his head at what he was hearing. But as the seconds went by, his expression turned to surprise, and maybe even anger, Kerry wasn't quite sure. He stopped moving his head... in fact, he stopped moving completely.

She closed her eyes, sighing as she did so. Some minutes past when she heard, "I'll take her to the hospital." It was Lawson's all too familiar voice, sounding as though he was near by.

Kerry opened her eyes and blinked a few times, trying to focus. It was then that she saw Lawson standing at the back door of the ambulance, directly in front of her, looking at her through sympathetic brown eyes. Kerry thought about rolling her eyes at him. The last thing she wanted, or needed for that matter, was Lawson's sympathy.

/ / /

They drove to the hospital, mostly in silence. Every now and then Kerry could hear Lawson breathing heavily, in and out through his nose, and it was obvious that he didn't know what to say to her. So instead, Kerry decided she was going to be the first to speak, but what she said wasn't what Lawson was necessarily expecting her to say. "Do we have to go to the hospital?" she asked, there was a slight hint of desperation in her voice, "I'd rather go home," her voice turned flat and emotionless in an instant.

"You need to be checked out by a doctor, Kerry," Lawson softly said, quickly glancing at her before turning his attention back to the road ahead, "I'm sure it won't take long. I'll take you home afterwards."

Kerry rolled her eyes at what was, from her point of view, his crappy attempt to 'comfort' her... or whatever the hell it was. She knew that the next hour or so was going to be one of the longest in her life.

But she still felt nothing.

/ / /