I still haven't figured out how I did it; how I let my best friend- the only person in the world who truly knows me- walk away. He promised he wouldn't leave me. We're partners; we are supposed to take care of each other. Or we used to be.
What the hell was that "talk" anyway? We've been dancing around each other for years, so why didn't I get to really talk; tell him how I really feel? That entire conversation was Marshall trying so hard to not hurt me, and find- what may be considered to be- true happiness at the same time. A wise man once said, "If you love something, set it free," but... We have gone from being the BEST of friends to utter strangers. We no longer go out for lunch, get a beer on the way home after a rough day, or have our weekly movie nights. Work is a miserable place now. I almost wish they had closed the office down so I could have transferred to anywhere else. Our discussions are kept to work-related things; he doesn't discuss his home life, and I say nothing about my family. Delia often acts as a go-between for us. I was doing pretty well with continuing our usual banter until Bug came down with a nasty fever.
It was the middle of the night, and she wouldn't stop crying. Brandy & Jinx had both disappeared for the evening, and I wasn't sure what to do for Norah. I take care of minor medical problems everyday as a marshal, but it is something completely different when it is your own child. Out of pure instinct, I started to call Marshall. The phone rang once, when I realized what I had done. I quickly hung up the phone; taking some deep breaths to calm down. My phone suddenly lit up on the counter. I wasn't sure if I should answer and explain, or hit "ignore." I decided to go with the later of the two options- safer that way. The phone began to ring again, and I hit "ignore" again. The phone started to ring a third time, Marshall's name on the screen. I had to give myself a pep talk before answering. I immediately launched into an apology, saying I made a mistake, when the voice on the other end interrupted me. She told me they were busy at the moment, and that she thought I had understood about "releasing him." I mumbled another apology and hung up. To keep from crying, I focused on my daughter, who looked like crap. I had no freakin' clue what to do for an infant. When I'm sick, I down a bottle of NyQuil and sleep it off. I didn't think Bug was big enough for a bottle of medicine yet, when a thought occurred to me. I decided to call Joanna. She would know what to do, and she was always so patient when explaining things to me. When I hung up with Joanna, I was fully armed with how to take care of Norah. After much rocking and walking, I finally got Bug to fall asleep. After I put Norah in her crib, I sat on the couch to replay the events of the evening. On one hand, I was so proud of myself that I had called someone else for help, besides Marshall. On the other hand, I was pissed as hell because rather than accepting my apology for calling accidently, I got my ass chewed off by the cheerleader. I decided right then and there, that a clean break was better than this make-believe world of happiness I had been thrust into. This all took place a month ago. I doubt Marshall even knows about what happened that night. If he did, he probably would have tried to explain.
Any way you slice it, I can't do this anymore. I knew it was going to be difficult standing aside and watching him start a new life that didn't include me. I guess I just didn't realize how much I had come to love the random factoids, the office bets, the unspoken conversations, and so many other things. I just miss my friend. About a week ago, I received a phone call from the Witsec office in Atlanta asking if I would like to be an instructor for a traveling seminar they were putting together. My gut reaction was to say "No," but the more I thought about it, I started to change my mind. I didn't want a new partner, I couldn't stand the situation at the ABQ office anymore, and I was worried about something happening to me. Heaven help me. I was going soft because of a 30 lb. baby. I printed a transfer request form, and sat on my couch staring out into space for hours. After a bottle of my favorite whiskey, and playing the "Should I, Shouldn't I" game, I finally sign the papers at 3am. I haven't had a decent night's sleep in a long time, so why should I start now? I decide to take some vacation time to pack the house & make arrangements with Atlanta, so I called Marshall's office voicemail- I am such a chicken- telling him I am taking 2 weeks of vacation because something came up.
After packing for 5 days, I decided that I need to drop off my transfer papers & to collect my things. The best time to go is really late at night. The building is usually empty, and I didn't want to run the risk of seeing anyone. On Sunday at 2:30am, I sneak into the Sunshine building. I slide the envelope containing my transfer papers under Marshall's door, hoping it didn't slide under his desk or something else. As I'm putting my personal things in a box, my phone starts to ring. I know it is him before I even glance at the screen. He has been calling every other day, sometimes leaving a message saying he's worried about me and to call him back. I haven't called him back. What gives Marshall the right to demand a call back after telling me to back off? Personally, I'm surprised he hasn't confronted me about Atlanta yet. Being the Chief, he has to have heard something by now. I leave my building swipe card, parking pass, and an envelope for Marshall on my now clean desk. I take one last look around the office trying to remember the good times, the camaraderie before I made two mistakes that have proven fatal to second most important relationship in my life. I will spend the rest of my life regretting my flings with Faber & Mark (except for Bug, of course). I have tears running down my face as I get on the elevator one last time. I know Marshall will grant me my request because he knows he has no right to ask me to stay, Chief or not.
As I it in my car crying, an ironic thought occurs to me: for two partners as in sync as we were, personally, Marshall and I were completely out of whack. One of us was always ready, when the other one wasn't. I know I cannot make amends for all of the abuse & crabbiness he has had to endure over the years, but I had to try. In one of the more mature actions of my adult life, the letter sitting on my former desk has only two words in it, "Be happy." My daughter has made me change in so many ways. I suppose that is why I was able to become more self-reliant so as to let my keeper to find happiness and freedom. Marshall will always hold a special place in my heart as my truest friend and soul mate. Maybe one day I will actually allow myself the possibility for something greater, but in the meantime, I just need to begin living again without holding onto someone too tightly.