So I came up with this idea when chatting with RemytheReaper about "Joy." I thought the scene with Taub and Thirteen buying the cocaine was so funny! Then I wondered, what would happen if Thirteen pressured Taub into doing drugs? Then the plot bunny attacked. So here it is. They may seem kind of OOC, but remember, this is humor! :)
I do not endorse doing drugs!!! This is just a story, and I have never done cocaine myself. The closest thing to it is snorting a pixie stick in middle school. So I had to look up some stuff on cocaine, so I might (probably) will get some things wrong. This is just for fun!
Disclaimer: I don't own House. Friggin' duh.
Doctors Taub and Hadley (more commonly known as "Thirteen"), were alone in the hospital's laboratory. They had just solved their case involving the sleepwalking man, and everyone else from their team had already gone home, leaving the two disgruntled doctors to clean up the mess they had made while diagnosing the patient. Conveniently for the others, Taub and Thirteen also had been left with the paperwork, and they had been left to do the mind-numbing task of charting.
Taub was not looking forward to going home. He had not been kicked to the streets yet by his wife, but they were having some problems ever since he confessed his infidelity. Sighing, Taub made a final mark on the medical chart and looked over to Thirteen, who was fiddling with something with her back turned away from him.
"What are you doing?"
Thirteen slightly jumped and looked over her shoulder. "Nothing."
Taub pushed himself against the table, and glided over to Thirteen on the rolley chair, and coming to a halt by ramming into the table. He craned his neck trying to see what Thirteen was doing, but when she saw that the other doctor was at her side, she swatted him away.
"Stop being so nosey!"
"What are you hiding?" Taub asked.
"Nothing!"
Taub reached forward, grabbed Thirteen's wrist and looked down at her hand. There, in her palm, was the red package of cocaine that they had tested.
"Are you insane?" Taub incredulously asked.
Thirteen jerked her arm away. "No. This just shouldn't be wasted."
"Right. Put the drugs to a real good use."
"You shouldn't judge me. You have done some bad things too." Thirteen shoved the package of cocaine in her pocket. Taub however, grew more frustrated.
"I bought it," Taub protested.
"Thank you." Thirteen slung her messenger bag over her shoulder and walked past Taub.
"Not what I was looking for!" Taub yelled as he got up off the chair and followed Thirteen across the laboratory.
Thirteen wiped around. "Then what do you want?"
Taub paused. "Um..."
"Because I know that you don't really care about my well-being," Thirteen pointed out.
"I'm not heartless. But I don't really care what you do with your personal life."
"Then why do you care if I take this cocaine?"
Again, Taub didn't know what to say.
Her point being proven correct, Thirteen rolled her eyes and walked out of the lab.
"Wait!" Taub grabbed his coat and ran out of the lab as fast as his short legs could carry him.
Thirteen let out a loud sigh when Taub caught up with her in the hallway and had begun to walk next to her.
"What now?" she asked.
"I think you should cool down on your risqué behavior," Taub said hurriedly, partly because he was afraid of how Thirteen would react.
"I think you need to loosen up," Thirteen retorted.
"I am plenty loose," Taub said, trying to defend himself.
Thirteen snickered. "Yeah, I guess you are, with the affair and everything."
"That's not what I meant!" yelled a frustrated Taub, and then realized that his coworker had insulted him. "What? Are you calling me a slut, or something? Because I can say the same about you and-,"
Thirteen laughed. "Calm down. I didn't call you a slut." She suddenly stopped her fast pace and grabbed Taub by the arm. Taub looked uneasily at the female doctor.
"Um…if this you trying to hit on me…it's not really working," Taub muttered.
"Shut-up," Thirteen ordered, and seeing potential danger in her eyes, Taub thought it best to not say anything.
"I'm not hitting on you," Thirteen said. Taub nodded, as Thirteen looked around the hall, seeing if there was anybody else that could be eavesdropping on their conversation. There wasn't. It was late at night, and almost all of the hospital staff had gone home. Except for that weird janitor that wore his pants backwards.
"Um, I would like to buy some cocaine. Please?"
Taub stared at Thirteen in confusion before realizing that she was repeating the words that he had used when he had approached the women on the street to buy the drugs.
"What the hell were you thinking? Who says please when buying drugs?" Thirteen snapped.
"I didn't know there were rules when buying drugs," Taub mumbled.
"It's just common sense! But no, you just prance up there, in your dress shirt and tie, sleeves rolled up, all polite and casual, like you're ordering coffee!"
Taub stuttered trying to think of something that would save him from Thirteen's ridicule. However, Thirteen continued her rant.
"And to make it worse, you drop it on the ground!"
"Sorry," Taub squeaked.
"Idiot," Thirteen muttered. She shook her head and brushed a strand of hair away from her face. She was about to turn away, when she had a sudden idea. Eureka.
"Hey Taub…have you ever done cocaine?"
"Uh…no."
Taub watched as Thirteen's usual frown started to slowly turn into a grin. Taub was unsure at first why she seemed so happy, but then he began to become aware of her intentions.
"Oh no. No way. I'm not doing cocaine with you," Taub said.
"Oh come on. It will be fun," Thirteen protested.
"No."
"You'll be fine! I've done it before, and I'm okay," Thirteen said pointing at herself. Taub scoffed. Electing to ignore him, Thirteen continued, "and you're with doctor, so I'll be able to help you if something happened."
"Do you know what happens when you snort cocaine?" Taub asked. "Your heart rate and blood pressure increases, your blood vessels constrict, your pupils dilate-," he listed off smartly, because he is a doctor after all.
"Mostly all of those happen while having sex and that doesn't bother you," Thirteen said.
"Why do you always bring that up?" Taub whined.
"Because it's fun to annoy you. You get all uncomfortable and start fidgeting."
Taub threw his hands in the air and began to walk away from Thirteen. However, Thirteen was determined, so she jogged after him down the empty hallway. When Taub saw that Thirteen was at his side again, he looked straight ahead and imagined that Thirteen was not there.
However, it was not long before Thirteen made her presence known.
"Oh Taub, come on. You're just going to go home and fight with your wife anyway," Thirteen said while poking him on the shoulder. Taub glared at her with annoyance.
"Am I right, or am I right?" Thirteen asked. Taub was reminded of House, however, he didn't reply to Thirteen's question. She took this to her advantage.
"Come on, you should try it," Thirteen urged.
"No."
"Coward."
"I'm not scared. I just don't want to do it."
"Right. You're not cool enough."
"I don't – what? I'm cool." Taub straightened his jacket and nodded his head, trying to give off his aura of coolness. Thirteen however didn't buy it and shook her head at the plastic surgeon's attempts.
"Do it," Thirteen ordered.
"No."
"Chicken."
"Stop peer pressuring me!"
"Come on Taub. All the cool kids are doing it," Thirteen teased. "Don't you want to fit in?"
"STOP IT!" Taub sprinted the rest of the distance to the elevator and pressed the button. He began pressing it more when Thirteen continued to follow him. Taub could feel his pulse racing and the impending doom. All he wanted to do was to get away from Thirteen. So he began to press the "down" button multiple times, thinking incorrectly that maybe that would make the electric lift go faster. But to Taub's demise, Thirteen appeared at his side and whispered into his ear,
"Come on. You know you want to."
Taub closed his eyes and thought back to his days of high school. It was horrible. He remembered how Tommy and Bobby always mocked him because he wouldn't go smoke pot with the rest of the gang. Now Thirteen had turned into them, trying to force Chris into something he didn't want to do.
Or he did want to do. Were they right? Tommy, Bobby, Thirteen? Was he just afraid?
The elevator dinged open, and Taub walked into it followed by Thirteen.
It can't be that bad, Taub thought, trying to convince himself. And I'm a doctor…I know how to take care of myself.
Taub cleared his throat. "Um…"
"Did you decide?"
"Uh…" Taub was contemplating the pros and cons in his mind. In the "pros" side, there were things like, "Thirteen will stop bugging me," and "Just because," and "I'm bored." However, on the "cons" side there were much more troubling things like, "Heart attack," and "addiction," and "death."
"Taub, just this once. Try it. It won't hurt," Thirteen said with her eyes piercing into Taub's soul. Not in a romantic sense, oh no. It was more like a "do what I say or I will kill you" type of stare.
Thankfully, the elevator opened to the first floor and Taub rushed out of it. As he expected, Thirteen was jogging next to him.
"Just leave me alone!" Taub pleaded.
Thirteen grabbed Taub's arm so he would stop. "Just once won't hurt. And aren't you curious?"
Taub thought about it. Yes, he was curious. And he was growing tired of Thirteen annoying him. And her power of Peer Pressuring was too great for him to resist.
"Fine," Taub said.
Thirteen smiled in triumph. She had won.
--
One hour later, Taub and Thirteen were back Thirteen's apartment. Taub sat back, immersed in the fluff of the couch while Thirteen sat next to him, leaning forward, chopping up the white powder with her hospital badge with precision and skill. Taub guessed that she had a lot of practice. Then he wondered if he would be doing the same soon. Leaning over a table and chopping away madly, with your face so close to your project so you can see how fine the powder is, so close that your nose could almost drag through it.
Taub swallowed and clenched his fists so his hands would stop shaking.
He could possibly still escape. But Thirteen might kill him first. She had convinced him to come over here and do drugs with her…he was now her buddy…there was no escape.
"Done."
Taub looked up at Thirteen, who was pushing the fine white powder into lines on the table. Two of them. One, two. Two thin piles of white powder.
"Here," Thirteen said, handing Taub a dollar bill.
Taub stared at the bill in his hand. "Um…"
Thirteen rolled her eyes and yanked the bill out of Taub's hand, rolled the bill into a neat tube, leaned over the cocaine and inhaled one of the lines through her nose. She looked back at Taub expectantly. "Your turn," she said.
Taub begrudgingly took the rolled up dollar from Thirteen and scooted down to the edge of the couch cushion, nerves eating away at his insides. All of his medical training was telling him not to proceed as he hovered over the white powder, dollar bill in hand.
"Come on Taub!" Thirteen cheered.
The peer pressure was too much. Taub never was good at saying "No," in school either.
Taub succumbed to Thirteen's requests, and snorted the line of cocaine.
The first thing Taub felt was the burning rush that filled his nasal passages, causing his eyes to tear up and started coughing. Thirteen patted the dry-heaving Taub on the back.
"Breathe through your mouth," Thirteen said.
Taub did as she said, and his coughing fit died after a few seconds.
"It wasn't so bad, was it?" Thirteen asked.
Taub shrugged. He didn't feel different yet; the only things so far he had felt was the burning in his nose and a nasty taste that was draining in the back of his throat. This made sense. The nasal cavity was connected to the-
Suddenly, Taub felt this expedient flood of euphoria invade his system. The scientific reasoning for this is that the dopamine is not being taken away, leaving these happy emotions, whereas without the cocaine the dopamine would be-
Screw it.
Taub glanced over to a grinning Thirteen.
"Not bad, huh?" she asked.
Taub shook his head. Relaxed. Happy. Brave. Silly. Strong. Focused. Taub felt like he could do anything. He was Mini-Stud.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
"Thirteen!"
"What?" Thirteen yelled.
"This feels so cool!" Taub said, positioning himself on the couch so he could face Thirteen.
"I told you so!" Thirteen said, under the high of the cocaine too.
"So…….." Taub looked up, as if he was contemplating something. He wanted to talk, but he did not know what to have a conversation with Thirteen about. "Oh, oh! I know. So why are you so mysterious? I mean, I know you're going to die – no offense. And then you're bisexual, which is kind of interesting. But what else is it that makes you seem so…secretive?"
"Uh..." Thirteen wondered if she should divulge her secret. Oh what the heck. "You see Taub, I…" She motioned for Taub to lean in closer.
"I used to work for the FBI," Thirteen said. "I know who shot JFK."
"Whoa!" Taub exclaimed. "Who?"
Thirteen sighed, looked around the room to be positive that they were alone, and leaned over and whispered into Taub's ear the secret that everyone wants to know.
Thirteen drew back, leaving Taub wide-eyed. "I always wondered, but…wow," the marveled plastic surgeon said.
"I know. But don't tell anybody!"
"I won't!"
"Pinkie promise?" Thirteen asked, sticking out her pinky finger. Without a second thought, Taub linked his pinky with hers, sealing the promise to not tell the biggest mystery of American history.
"That's so cool Fifteen," Taub said.
"My name is Thirteen," Thirteen said.
"That's what I said." Taub leaned back, staring at the ceiling fan, oblivious to his error. "What's your real name again?"
"Remy Hadley," Thirteen said.
"Oh, that's pretty. Rema."
"No. Remy," corrected Thirteen.
"Oh! Rena."
"Remy."
"Mimi?"
"REMY!" yelled Thirteen, losing her calm.
Taub blinked and backed away from Thirteen, surprised by her sudden outbreak. The two stared at each other for a few seconds before breaking out into giggles.
"Sorry Fourteen," Taub apologized.
"Don't call me that ever! That is a horrible, horrible word! My name is Thirteen, or Remy, which ever you can get right!" Thirteen thundered.
Taub looked taken aback for a split second, but then patted Thirteen on the shoulder, laughing. "So who's hotter? Cameron or Cuddy?"
Thirteen rolled her eyes. I am never going anywhere with a high Taub again.
--
The next day, Thirteen was not surprised when Taub stumbled into the diagnostic conference room late.
"Nice of you to join us Taub," House said.
"Shut-up," Taub said, slumping in the seat next to Thirteen. Thirteen couldn't help but snicker at Taub's disheveled appearance. Taub glared at Thirteen as she stifled her laughs behind her hand, and Kutner and Foreman gave questionable looks in the direction of the two other doctors.
Taub rolled his eyes. Not only did he have a pounding headache and a hangover from alcohol, his nose burned and he was extremely tired. This morning, he had woken up confused, not knowing how he had ended up on Thirteen's kitchen floor with a bucket of lime green paint, an aluminum foil hat on his head, and Spice Girls playing faintly in the background. Thankfully, he was fully clothed, and Thirteen was as well, passed out on the couch with a matching aluminum hat and paint splattered on her clothes.
All he knew was that he would never do cocaine with Thirteen ever again.
Peer pressure would not win this time. No way. Maybe.
"Hey Taub," Kutner said. "Will you-,"
"NO!" Taub yelled, fearing being pressured into something.
Kutner, Foreman and House stared at Taub in confusion, where Thirteen just laughed and laughed.
So what did you think? Let me know! Press that review button! :)
:) Rev