Undone
By
Misha
Disclaimer- I don't own Stephanie Plum or any of the other characters (though I wish I owned Ranger). They belong to the incredibly talented Janet Evanovich and I'm just borrowing them. I'm not making any money off this, so please don't sue me.
Author's Notes- This is sort of a companion to "Toast to the Future, But That'd Be A Lie". Both stories are set to Sister Hazel's "Champagne High", but one is from Ranger's PoV and this one is from Morelli's, mainly because I couldn't decide which one worked better. I'm a Babe fan and I wrote this one because the first one depressed me too much. This is just an angsty story told through Morelli's eyes, I hope you like it!
Pairing- Stephanie/Morelli, Stephanie/Ranger.
Summery- He stood and watched as she married another man and thought about how it could have been him...
Spoilers- Up to Fearless Fourteen.
Rating- PG13
I wasn't looking for a lifetime with
you.
I never thought it would hurt just to hear,
"I do"
and "I do"
And I do a number on myself,
It
was a beautiful wedding, deeply moving for everyone in attendance.
More than a few tears were shed.
I didn't cry, but I contemplated it, though not for the same reasons as everyone else.
I wasn't moved by the depth of the bride and groom's love and devotion, so touched that tears were inevitable. Just the opposite, in fact. As I watched them take their vows, I was filled with anguish and regret.
You see, I was in love with the bride. Deeply, crazy in love with her.
For years, I'd always imagined that I'd be the one to marry her someday. Yet, the stars never aligned for us and we never got our act together. Eventually, I realized that if we'd been meant to be it would have happened and I walked away, but it was still hard to sit in that church and watch her marry someone else.
It was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do and I'm a cop, so I've had to do a lot of hard things. I was surprised by how hard the day was for me, given that I was the one who walked away.
I'd gotten fed up with waiting and decided that she wasn't what I wanted in a wife anyway and walked away. I regretted the decision almost immediately and I would have given anything to take those words back and instead beg her to be my wife. But by the time I'd realized the mistake I'd made, it was too late.
He'd gotten there first and unlike me, he wasn't stupid enough to let her go. So now she was standing at the front of a church, dressed in white satin, pledging her love and her life to him. To the man who was smart enough not to let her go. Listening to them exchange vows nearly killed me.
"Do you Stephanie Michelle Plum take this man to be your lawful wedded husband in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, for as long as you both shall live?" The Priest asked.
"I do." She said softly, her voice trembling with emotion.
Those two little words was like a knife to my heart. I wished that I could be the one she was saying them to, the one who'd inspired that depth of emotion, but I wasn't. It was him.
"Do you Ricardo Carlos Manoso take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, for as long as you both shall live?"
"I do." The words were said strongly, confidently, but with as much emotion as Steph's.
He was claiming his woman. And I couldn't
blame him, if I was in his position, I'd be doing the same. But I
wasn't, because I was stupid enough to let her go and he wasn't.
And all that I thought--to be,
And you'll be the one
Who just left me undone
By my own, hesitation.
Part
of the reason was wedding was so hard on me was because Stephanie had
always been a part of my life. I had gotten used to being there and I
guess I'd never really thought that would change.
I mean, from childhood, we impacted each other's life.
I looked up her skirt when I was eight. When I was eighteen, I took her virginity, though I'm ashamed to admit that at the time I didn't realize how precious that was and what a lucky bastard I'd been. Maybe that was why at twenty, she ran me down with her car.
At thirty-two I fell in love with her and at thirty-five I was stupid enough to walk away. I'd gotten impatient and I was sick of waiting for her to become what I wanted her to be, so I just decided that she wasn't the woman for me. It only took me a month for me to realize what an idiot I'd been, but it was already too late, by then she'd already moved on.
While I'd always played the waiting came with Steph, I guess he wasn't so patient. I screwed up and he stepped in and stole her away, as I said, he's a much smarter man than I.
As I stood in the church watching her become another man's bride, I wished with all my heart that it could have been different. I wished for the magical power to go back in time and be able to change things. If only I'd been more patient, if only I had waited a little longer, maybe it could have been different. Maybe I could have been the man up there in the tuxedo marrying the most amazing woman in the world.
Still as many what ifs as I have, there's also a cautious voice that points out that even if I hadn't walked away, I still might not have won. The truth is, that even when I was with Steph, Ranger was still in the picture, just lurking in the background waiting for the perfect moment to come in and sweep her away.
Yeah, I screwed up and gave him that chance, but it might happened even if I hadn't. It was always a possibility that haunted me, though I never really believed it.
Maybe I was a fool, because I never worried about him as much as I should have. Not because I didn't see him as a threat, he was rich, attractive and in love with my girl, of course he was a threat, but at the same time I never thought he'd step up. He never struck me as the commitment type and that meant he wasn't really a threat, because he wouldn't want forever with Steph, but apparently I was wrong.
Apparently for her, he was willing to change. I'd always known that she was special to him, that he loved her as much as I did, but he always held a part of himself back from her and because of that I guess I fooled myself into thinking that he wasn't a threat.
Now I realize that he was always in for the long haul, he was just biding his time, waiting for the perfect moment to step in and take her away forever. If I hadn't given it to him, he probably still would have made his move, but it still sucks to know that I screwed up and I gave him that moment.
But maybe the best man won, because I'm
the one that walked away and he's the one that never let go.
Definitely the smarter of the two of us, that's for sure. And
for the million hours that we were
Well I'll smile and remember it
all,
The regrets were only some of the millions of thoughts running through my head as I stood there in that church, watching as they exited together, man and wife.
Honestly, it was with a heavy heart that I watched Stephanie Plum become Stephanie Manoso and had to let go of my dreams that she'd become Stephanie Morelli instead.
But it was too late for that, too late for regrets. How I felt wasn't going to change anything, she'd made her choice and it was him.
Still, even if i didn't get a lifetime with her, at least I'd always have the memories. It was those thoughts that I was choosing to focus on right then. I might be letting go of Stephanie, but at least I got to keep the memories.
For the rest of my life I'd remember what it was like to have her in my arms, in my bed and in my life. I'd remember the joy of waking up with her, of lazing around and watching sports with her, making love with her, even arguing with her and all the other simple joys that we shared over the years.
She and I had a lot of
history, a lot of wonderful memories and just thinking about the
moments we'd shared over the years brought a smile to my face. Maybe
we weren't meant for happily ever after, but our time together had
been beautiful and I knew I'd always treasure the memories.
Then
I'll turn and go.
While your story's completed,
mine is a long
way from done.
Still, as beautiful as our time together had been, it was over now. There would be no more precious moments for us, all that was left were memories.
It had taken me a long time to accept that, in fact I wasn't sure that I really had. I could stand at a church and watch her marry someone else, but truly let her go? That would take time.
It was just too painful to accept that Steph was never going to be mine again, that we were never going to have a future together.
I'd had months to accept it, but it still felt unreal, as I stood there I couldn't help but remember the moment she told me just how over it was and how I felt like my heart was going to break in two...
//It
was a sunny Tuesday afternoon and I'd gotten a call over the wire
that Stephanie had had another ëincident' and that her car had been
destroyed. Again. I wasn't getting that many
Stephanie-related calls these days, not because they weren't
happening, no chance of that, but because pretty much everyone knew
that we'd been off for some time. Still, this one had come in
and I'd decided against my better judgement to check it out, mainly
because I missed her and I had decided that I wanted her back, even
if I had to beg. I'd been stupid and I was ready to admit it. Sure
I still hated Stephanie's job and I hated the danger she put herself
in it, but I loved her enough to put up with it. My time away from
her had taught me that, I missed her and I wanted her back, any way
that she was willing to come. Even if it meant I had to buy Maloxx by
the case, it'd be worth it. I got to the scene and spotted Stephanie
right away. She didn't look hurt, in fact she looked better
than she normally did after these encounters--there was no strange
substance on her person, just a very dead car. A black SUV
I'd never seen before, but that I bet I could place the origins of.
The only time Steph ever drove a black car was when Ranger gave her
one. Not a good sign, however it didn't discourage me either, Ranger
had given her a lot of cars without them being a thing, so I didn't
see why this had to be any different. Or at least that was what I was
telling myself as I approached her. As I got closer, I saw
that that she was on the phone, so I didn't interrupt. "No,
no don't fly back from Miami, I swear I'm fine." She was saying.
"It's your car anyway." So that confirmed who she
had to be talking to. I'd wondered why I hadn't seen him swooping in
on the scene and now I knew, though I was sure he'd called the second
he'd heard and that he'd heard immediately--his sources seemed to be
even better than mine. There was a pause and then Stephanie
laughed. "Uh huh." Another laugh. "I just have to fill
out the paperwork and then I'll head home and I'll stay safe inside
until you get home tomorrow. I promise." I smirked.
Stephanie always promised to be good, but she never actually managed
to keep that promise. The conversation bothered me, I'd never
heard her sound quite so at ease with Ranger before and it was
definitely a little worrisome. My worry grew as I watched her
smile warmly and heard her voice soften. "I love you too." The words were like a punch to my stomach. Stephanie had
never been that great at saying "I love you" when we were
together, generally she'd only said it when one or both of us was in
mortal danger and never with that casual ease, so the idea that she
could say it so casually to Ranger... It hurt a lot. I
suddenly started to worry that my regret had come to late and that
I'd lost my chance with her, still I had to find out for sure. "Ranger?" I asked casually as soon as she ended the
call. I hadn't heard that they were together, but I wasn't
surprised either. Ranger had been the silent threat the entire time
we'd been together, so it didn't surprise me that he'd moved in when
I'd messed up. "Joe." Stephanie murmured, obviously
surprised to see me. She looked embarrassed and then nodded. "Yeah,
Tank called him and told him what happened, and he just wanted to
make sure I was ok." "What She rolled her eyes and gave out
an exasperated sigh. "Just the usual,a skip that didn't want to
be caught, a complicated plan that I managed to fall into and a
series of unfortunate events that lead to me destroying yet another
car. Lucky me, huh?" I shook my head. It never change.
"Same old Cupcake." I told her with a smile. "Do you
want a ride home?" She paused, obviously having to think
about it, and then finally nodded. "Sure. I'm supposed to let
Tank deal with this mess anyway and this way, he doesn't have to
worry bout me too." She disappeared for a moment to go
find Tank and tell him she was leaving and then came back and got in
my SUV. I started driving towards her place, but she stopped me right
away. "I don't live at my apartment anymore."
Stephanie told me softly. "I moved out for good two weeks ago." I looked at her sharply. "Oh?" It had only
been four months since we'd stopped seeing each other so things must
have moved pretty quickly between her and Ranger. It was
disconcerting because no matter how many times Stephanie had moved in
with me, she'd never been willing to make that final step to true
commitment and give up her apartment. But apparently for Ranger she
could. It was a definite blow to my ego. "I moved in
with Ranger." She confirmed and then she paused, obviously
trying to decide what to say. "Actually, Joe, I was going to
call you..." "Oh?" I asked again, an
unpleasant feeling bubbling in my stomach. The last split
hadn't been ugly, but it had been painful, so I doubted she wanted to
call just to chat, and she obviously didn't want to get back
together, so... I really doubted that I wanted to hear what she was
going to tell me. I was right. "Ranger asked me
to marry him and I said yes." She told me quietly. "I
wanted to tell you myself, before you heard it from someone else." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Ranger, the original
man of mystery was tying himself down? The only reason I'd never
really considered him a threat was that I couldn't see him getting
involved in anything long-term or serious. I knew he wanted her, but
I didn't imagine that he'd wanted a lifetime with her, apparently I
was wrong. "That's great." I said when I finally
found my voice. "I'm happy for you." It was a lie, of
course, but what else could I say? ëDon't marry him, I love you,
marry me instead?' It was too late for that. I'd given up any rights
I had when I'd walked away four months before. Stephanie
smiled, obviously grateful at well I was taking it. "Thank you." I pulled into the RangeMan lot and leaned over and kissed her
cheek. "Congratulations, Cupcake. Invite me to the wedding?" It was all I could do to keep my tone light and my expression
cheerful, even as my heart was breaking. I really didn't want to go
to that wedding, but it seemed like the right thing to say. I wanted
to do this right for Stephanie, I didn't want to ruin her joy, no
matter how much it hurt. She nodded. "Of course."
She smiled at me and then got out of the car and walked away, back to
the life she shared with Ranger,a life that no longer included
me...//
That was six months ago and here I was now, attending their wedding.
Stephanie had kept her promise and invited me and I had shown up because it would hurt her if I didn't and I would never do that. Besides, as painful as it was, I felt like I owed it to her, and to everything we'd meant to each other, because this was her happy ending.
There was no more searching for her, no more waiting, she'd found everything that she'd been looking for. I'd wanted to be her Prince Charming, but it wasn't meant to be, in the end all I could do was be part of her journey and stand on the sidelines and watch as another man swept her off her feet.
Stephanie had everything she'd ever wanted and I, on the
other hand, had no idea what I was looking or even if I'd ever find
it.... All I knew for sure was that my story had to continue without
Stephanie in it and that sucked. I'm on a champagne
high.
Where will I be when I stop wondering why?
On a champagne
high--high.
"And now, I'm happy to present to you,
for the very first time, Mr. and Mrs. Carlos Manoso!" The DJ
announced exuberantly as Ranger and Stephanie entered the reception
hall, hand in hand.
I hated to admit it, but they made a stunning couple and the happiness fairly radiated off of them.
Ranger wasn't a man who smiled a lot, or at all really, but that night he was beaming as he looked at her. I couldn't blame him, if I had been the one lucky enough to have her as my wife I'd be beaming too.
I couldn't tear my eyes away from them and as I watched him help her into her seat at the head table, his hands both gentle and possessive, I downed my glass of champagne and motioned for the waiter to bring me another.
One good thing about this wedding, the alcohol was certainly flowing freely, which was good, because I knew I'd need a lot of it to get me through the night. It was a good thing I wasn't driving, because I needed the buzz of alcohol to help dull the ache in my heart and stop myself from wondering why.
Why him? Why was he able to step up and be the
man she needed? Why did it never work between us? Why couldn't I have
been the one to give her happily ever after? A lot of questions for
which I would never get answers, at least not ones I wanted to hear.
Spring turned to summer,
but then winter turned to
mean.
The distance seemed right
at the time it was best to
leave,
And to leave behind,
What I once thought was fine and so
real--to me
The evening crept by at an agonising rate, but I forced myself to sit through it all, even though every moment was torture. This was a happy occasion, but the only emotion I felt was bitter regret.
That regret was deep as I watched them share their first dance as man and wife. I never really thought of Ranger as the dancing type, but he looked completely at ease.
Of course, I've yet to see Ranger in a situation where he didn't look at ease, even when he was being shot at. BUt this was different, this wasn't some mask of calm this was him looking completely relaxed.
In fact, he looked downright blissful as he held her in his arms and I knew why. He knew just how lucky he was to have her, to be the man that she chose. Of course, Ranger had always seemed to be aware of just how special Stephanie was, more so than me.
Even when she and I were together and he was just her "friend", he seemed to know how special she was and went out of his way to prove it. He kept her safe, gave her a job when she need it, provided her with cars... Everything he did showed her value to him.
Maybe it was why I was never comfortable with their relationship. In fact, that relationship was one of the things that lead to me walking away...
//Stephanie had another
stalker and it had lead to us having another fight about her job,
about how she was always in danger. By this point all the
yelling and arm waving was done and we were just staring at each
other, both completely exhausted. The truth was, I was exhausted by
the whole situation and I'm sure Steph was too. "I can't
do this." I told her quietly. "Can't do what?"
Stephanie asked in a shaky voice. I think she knew, but she
needed me to say it. We both needed me to say it, because we'd been
dancing around it too long. "This." I told her,
waving my hand around. "Everything. I can't spend my days
waiting to hear about my girlfriend's latest disaster or spend my
time worrying about what danger you'll get yourself into next. I
drink full bottles of Peptol Bismal because of you and I can't do it
anymore." I loved her, I really did, btu we were at an
impasse and I think we both knew it. "So you want me to
quit my job?" She asked softly. "Yes!" I
exclaimed. "But it's more than that. I want There,
at last I'd gotten to the real problems between us. It wasn't
Stephanie's job so much as the fact that we wanted completely
different things in life. And honestly, I could handle her job if I
was at least certain that I had her heart, but... I didn't even have
that and I just couldn't live with the situation any longer. Stephanie froze. "What's that supposed to mean?"
She asked, but she couldn't hold the guilt in her eyes. She knew
exactly what I meant. "Cupcake, everywhere you turn,
Ranger's there." I pointed out. "Am I really supposed to
like my girlfriend associating with a dark, dangerous man who
obviously wants her?" I didn't want this to get ugly so
I didn't voice my fears that she wanted him just as much. "So
not only do I have to quit my job and conform to your standards, I
have to walk away from..." She stumbled, obviously trying to
find the right word . "From someone I care about, to make you
happy?" The fact that she had to stumble over the words
to describe Ranger was like a physical blow. She couldn't even call
him her friend, because he was more than that to her and I didn't
need to ask to know that she wouldn't walk away from him. "And
there's our problem." I told her quietly, reigning in my pain
and anger. "You can't walk away from him and I'm not going to
make you, because it would just end badly and I'd still lose." I paused, trying to find the right words. God, it was
painful, but... I didn't know what else to do. We'd let this go on
too long... "The truth is you and I, we want different
things." I said finally. "That's not going to change, so
I'm done, I'm walking away." Stephanie looked like she
was about to cry. "Just like that?" She asked in a shaky
voice. I looked at her, suddenly feeling ancient. "Cupcake,
this has been coming for a long time, we both know that." I told
her quietly. "I told you that I couldn't wait forever and
well... I just can't wait anymore. I'm sorry."//
And
that was that, the end of my relationship with Stephanie.
The truth is, I'm not sure it would have ended like that if it hadn't been for her reluctance to walk away from Ranger.
That was what caused the final break. After all, it highlighted the big problem in our relationship, not her job or even the fact that we wanted different things from life, but the fact that she wasn't even sure who she really wanted to be with. I kept coming out ahead, but I didn't feel secure and it was why I'd gotten so frustrated.
I was ready to commit to Stephanie, to spend the rest of my life with her, and she couldn't even decide if I was the man that she wanted. It turns out that I was right to walk away, because it wasn't me that she wanted.
I can't help but wonder how long it would have taken her to realize that if I hadn't snapped or if she would have realized it all. Maybe she would have married me eventually, if I hadn't walked away and maybe we would have been happy. Maybe she chose Ranger, because I left, not because he was the one she wanted more...
Those are the thoughts that haunt me, but I'll really
never know. All I do know is that I walked away and she ended up with
him and it hurts like Hell. I always thought that Stephanie Plum was
going to be forever. Apparently I was wrong.
And while I'm
still gone
On the quest for my song
I'm at your,
celebration.
I've been to a lot of weddings, one of the
pitfalls of being born into a big Italian family, but this wedding
was different than most of the ones I'd been to.
In a lot of ways, I considered that a good thing, because it meant that this wedding, Stephanie and Ranger's, wasn't very similar to what I imagined Stephanie and I's would be.
Yeah, I'd thought about. In fact, I thought about weddings a lot more than I'd ever wanted to admit, I'd fantasised about how beautiful she would be and how happy we'd be. I never shared my fantasies with her, because it wasn't manly, but I did think about it. A lot.
It would have been a huge Italian celebration that would have rocked the entire Burg. Large, happy, and very familiar. This was a little smaller, a fair bit more sophisticated and a lot less Italian.
It also didn't take place in the Burg, something that I'm sure upset Stephanie's family, but didn't really surprise me. Stephanie had spent her entire adult life trying to escape the Burg and Ranger wasn't really Burg material.
Still, it was a beautiful wedding, very elegant, and a wonderful celebration of love, I just didn't want to be there. But I knew that I needed to be, for Stephanie's sake and for my own. I needed to see her off into her happily ever after, otherwise I'd never really be able to let her go.
As hard as it was, I had to let her go before I moved on to whatever came next for me. So, I vowed to endure the entire painful day.
One interesting thing about the wedding was the odd assortment of people gathered there, people who would normally mix.
There were Stephanie's family and friends, of course, lots of people I recognized from the Burg and the force, then there were Ranger's Merry Men and an assortment of characters that Stephanie knew from work and then a couple dozen people who I assumed must be Ranger's family.
It was funny, but until then I never really thought of Ranger having a family, he was such a loner. Still, there they were, people who looked just like him and who must be his parents and his siblings.
The only person I did recognise was his daughter Julie, who was accompanied by her mother and stepfather. She looked happy, everyone did. And even though it was an odd mix, people who would normally never socialize, it seemed to work as everyone came together to support Ranger and Stephanie and their love.
And then there was me, the odd man out, the lose who came to watch the woman he loved celebrate her marriage to the man she loved.
And for the million hours
that we were
Well I'll smile and remember it all,
Then I'll
turn and go.
While your story's completed
mine is a long way
from done.
The reception was now in full swing and the people around me were dancing and celebrating, but I wasn't joining in. I definitely wasn't the life of this party, instead I was just sitting there, watching the celebration go on around me, completely lost in my own thoughts.
Mainly I was remembering all the moments that Stephanie and I had shared over the years. As I sat at her wedding reception, I couldn't help but think of every kiss, every laugh, every smile that we had ever shared.
Steph had been a part of my life for almost thirty years, on and off, and it was weird to think that that was coming to an end. Oh, I knew it didn't have to, that I could still be Stephanie's friend, be on the outskirts of her life, but I couldn't do that. So, this was it, the end.
Stephanie had a new life, one that I couldn't be a part of. Still, I was glad that if we had to part ways, at least she was getting a happy ending out of it.
I always wanted that for her, the fairy tale happy ending. I looked at Stephanie and saw how happy she looked, saw the love pouring out of her as looked up at Ranger. I hated to admit it, but she him in a way she never looked at me. Like she was completely happy, that in him she had found everything she had ever been looking for. Stephanie had gotten forever. She'd gotten everything anyone could have ever wished for her and I was glad.
I just wondered when I was going to find my happily ever after and it it was even possible. I wasn't sure, because every time I'd imagined living happily ever after it was always with Stephanie and now...
Now I had to face the fact that that was never going to happen and try and find a happy ending that didn't include her. Somehow I didn't think that was going to be an easy thing to do.
I'm on a champagne high.
Where
will I be when I stop wondering why?
On a champagne high.
"May
I have this dance?"
I turned to see Stephanie's mother standing beside me.
She looked lovely and happy in her role of the Mother of the Bride, though maybe it was just wistful thinking, but I'm sure I saw a little bit of regret in her eyes.
"It'd be my pleasure." I told her, standing up and leading her to the dance floor. I hadn't been able to steel myself to dance with Stephanie yet, so before I did I'd give it a test run and dance with her mother. I tried not to think about how we could have been dancing at my wedding.
"It was good of you to come." Ellen told me quietly.
"I wouldn't have missed it." I said honestly.
"You're a good man." She said, squeezing my arm gently. "Some day you'll make some woman very happy."
But not Stephanie was the unspoken addition.
"She looks happy." I said quietly, my gaze going across the room to where Stephanie stood with Ranger, talking to Julie and her parents.
Ellen followed my gaze. "She is." She said with a smile, then the smile vanished. "I just... I always hoped that she'd choose you."
"Me too." I told her honestly. "But she had to follow her heart and her heart chose him."
It hurt to admit, but there was no denying it. That was what the whole day was about after all.
Ellen nodded and then looked sad. "I know and he's a good man and he loves her, I just... He'll take her away, while you would have brought her home."
"What do you mean ëtake her away'?" I asked quietly. I couldn't imagine that Ranger and Stephanie had any intention of leaving Trenton. I know Ranger had a Miami base, but he was pretty settled in Trenton, they both were. I couldn't see that changing.
Ellen just shrugged. "He's not from our world." She pointed out. "And he's slowly taking Stephanie away from it."
I looked at her and saw how hurt she was that the reception wasn't being held in the Burg, probably more than she'd ever let Stephanie know. She was right, though, Ranger didn't belong in the Burg and I couldn't see that changing, but then that might have been the point.
Stephanie had told me time and again that she didn't want to conform and become the perfect Burg housewife, but I'd never taken her seriously. She was a girl from the Burg, it was what she'd been raised for, so I'd always figured that she'd eventually change her mind, but she hadn't. She wouldn't change for me and instead, she'd chosen Ranger, a man who'd accepted her as she was and who'd take her away from everything that I kept pushing at her.
"She'll always be your daughter." I told Ellen. "Marriage isn't going to change that."
It was true, Stephanie loved her parents very much and she'd always be close to them, even if their life wasn't the one she wanted for herself.
"I know." Ellen told me, giving me another sad smile. "And she's happy, that's what really matters, but... I guess I just can't help wishing it was different."
"Me either." I told her honestly. "Me either."
The music ended and I released Mrs. Plum.
"Thank you for the dance." I told her sincerely. She smiled, a true smile this time. "You're a good man, Joseph, and I'm going to miss you."
"I'm going to miss you too." I told her quietly, realizing how true it was.
Not only was I giving up Stephanie, but I also had to let go of her whole crazy family and the truth was, as crazy as they were I'd gotten pretty attached to them over the years. I guess I always thought that they'd be my family some day and it was weird to think that they would no longer be a part of my life.
But then
again, everything about the situation felt weird to me.
Toast
to the future but that'd be a lie.
On a champagne high -
high.
I'd done a lot of hard things that day. I'd forced
myself to attend her wedding, I sat through her reception, and I even
danced with her mother, but the one thing I hadn't been able to do
was toast to her future.
I'd had the opportunity, of course, since there'd been plenty of toasts though out the night, but through each other I'd sat perfectly still, unable to join in. I couldn't even bring myself to raise my glass.
I wanted to say I'm a good guy and I sincerely wished them the best, but the truth is: I didn't. Deep down I still hoped that they'd fall apart, that he'd let her down and she'd come back to me.
Oh, I knew it wasn't going to happen and mostly I was a big enough person to not want it to. For the most part, I just wanted her to be happy and that meant I wanted this to be her happy ending and that I hoped that she got everything she had ever dreamed of.
Still, though my intentions are good, it didn't mean I had to be happy about it, because I wasn't. How could I be? The woman I love just married another man. That was why I hadn't been able to toast to their future, because felt like too much of a lie to do so when I still wished that their future was mine.
Your wagon's been
hitched to a star.
Well now he'll be your thing that's new.
Yeah
and what little I have you can borrow
'Cause I'm old (I'm old) I'm
blue.
"Think I can steal you away for a dance?" I asked Stephanie with a forced lightness later in the evening.
I'd finally made enough trips to the bar to fortify myself enough for the task. Not that I had to be drunk to ask Stephanie to dance, never that, but I knew I'd need the alcohol to face the reality of having to let her go at the end of it.
She gave me one of her 1000-watt smiles and offered me her hand. "Of course."
I lead her onto the dance floor and we settled into a comfortable rhythm, one born out of familiarity. After all, Stephanie and I had danced together many times before, but this was different. This was her wedding day and it was also our swan song, our last dance before we went out separate ways.
"You look beautiful, Cupcake." I told her honestly.
She blushed. "Thank you." She laughed and then made a face. "I wasn't really sure that I wanted to do the big wedding thing, after all we've both been married before. But both marriages were annulled, so we were able to do the church thing and Mom really wanted it and Carlos... He wanted it for me, so here we are."
It was weird, hearing her call him Carlos, but it made sense. He was her husband now, of course she'd call him by his real name. She was smiling even as she made her complaint and I could tell that she was glad that they'd decided on the formal wedding.
It also didn't surprise me that Ranger had wanted to give her the wedding of her dreams. Stephanie made a man want to offer her the moon and Ranger had the resources to do just that. Still...
"I would never have pictured Ranger as the big wedding type." I commented lightly.
She might be calling him Carlos, but to me he'd always be Ranger, because that was all that I knew. I only knew the mercenary, not the man and I was ok with that. I didn't want to get to know the man she had chosen instead of me, I wanted to be able to continue to think of him as some sort of mysterious super hero who had swooped in and stolen my girl away.
Stephanie laughed, God it was a beautiful sound. "Neither did I. Honestly, he's not, but..." She smiled, a sweet, loving smile that broke my heart because I wasn't the one that put it there. "He said he wanted it to be special for me, for us."
"I'm glad." I told her. "After all, you deserve special."
She deserved the world and I was glad that she'd found someone willing and able to give it to her, even if it couldn't be me.
Stephanie looked at me then, her eyes suddenly sad. "You deserve someone special too, Joe." She said softly. "I just couldn't be that person for you. We just couldn't be that for each other."
I nodded, knowing that she was right.
"We wanted different things in life." Stephanie continued. "We'd never have made each other happy, not in the long run."
"I know." I told her. "I want a woman who'll be content to stay at home and just be my wife and the mother of my kids and you want more than that. You want a man who'll help you fly."
That was the biggest problem, I'd never been comfortable with Stephanie's reckless nature and I probably never would have been and I wouldn't have been able to curb it, either, no matter how hard I tried.
I'm not sure Ranger is any more comfortable with the risks that she took, but heís more equipped to deal with it than I was. That had been true even when I was in the picture. I'd yell and scream and just aggravate her and cause her to defy me, while he'd work around her, having his men guard her and putting her under constant surveillance. I hated to admit it, but his ways always seemed to work better.
"Yeah." She agreed quietly and then smiled softly. "But it was fun while it lasted, wasn't it?"
"You bet, Cupcake." I told her as lightly as I could, not wanting her to see how much this was hurting me because that would only hurt her and I didn't want to do that. Not today, not ever. The song ended then and I kissed her on the forehead and then let her go.
"Be happy." I told her.
"I will." She promised quietly, her eyes full of emotion as she looked up at me.
"Good-bye Joe." She said softly, gently squeezing my hand as she lid out of my embrace.
"Good-bye Cupcake." I whispered as
she turned away from me and return to her husband's side. I watched
her go, having never felt as old or as blue as I did at that moment.
And for the million hours that we were
Well I'll smile
and remember it all,
Then I'll turn and go
It was hard for me to let Stephanie go.
I don't think anything in my life thus far has been anywhere near as hard as standing at her reception and watching her celebrate her life with another man, except holding her in my arms for too brief a moment and then having to send her back to her husband.
We'd meant so much to each other over the years and now it was all over. This was our swan song, our final parting. There'd be no on-again this time, this was it and that was hard to accept.
Maybe that was was why I was still at the reception, even though I'd had my last moment with Stephanie, had already said my good-bye. It wasn't my wedding day, but it was the end of an important chapter of my life and maybe I needed to stay and ride it out.
In some ways I felt I owed that to Steph and everything we'd ever been to each other. For a million hours, Stephanie had been a big part of my life, and this was the end, the final moment that we'd share. Who I was to rush it? Instead, I'd stay until it was right for me to go, because I owed that to her.
I smiled, despite myself, it had been quite the journey and I knew that I'd never ever forget a single moment of it.
On a
champagne high (so high)
Where will I be when I stop wondering
why?
On a champagne high (so high)
Toast to the future but
that'd be a lie.
"It means a lot to Steph that you came tonight."
I turned from where I was standing to see Ranger standing behind me. As always, he was dressed in all black, though at least this time it was formal black, a tuxedo with a black silk shirt. Not what I would have chosen, but then I wasn't the groom, as I might wish I was.
"I know." I replied. "That's why I'm here."
I wasn't sure why we were having this conversation, it wasn't like Ranger and I had ever been friends. At worst, we'd been rivals, at best grudging allies working together for a common goal.
It wasn't just Stephanie that had come between us but also the fact that we played by a whole different set of rules and moral guidelines. It made for an uneasy relationship, at best. Still, maybe we needed this moment.
"We always knew that eventually the best man was going to win." I told him quietly. "And it turns out that you're that man."
Ranger was completely silent, which wasn't unusual. Ranger wasn't exactly a big talker, which is why I was surprised that he approached me at all.
"Take care of her." I told him after a moment.
"I will." He promised. He paused and looked me in the eye. "I was always going to try and take her away, I was just waiting for the right moment." He told me quietly. "You two breaking up, it just sped things up and gave me that moment, but it would have happened anyway. Even if you hadn't broken up, I still would have tried to move in eventually."
I wasn't sure why he was telling me this, especially today of all days, but strangely it made me feel better. Because now I didn't have to just blame myself for what happened, now I was able to tell myself that it would have happened anyway. That even if I hadn't walked away, I still would have happened.
I have no idea if it was true or not, had no clue how Ranger and I would have fared in direct competition or who Stephanie would have chosen if she'd had to make that choice. But at least, now I could tell myself that even if I hadn't screwed up, I still would have lost, and maybe it was a lie, but its a lie that made me feel a little bit better and eased a little bit of my pain.
I nodded in acknowledgement of his words and Ranger walked away, nothing else to be said. I watched him go and decided that it was time for me to leave.
I'd done what I'd come to do. I'd seen them happily married, talked to everyone I'd needed to talk, and now all that was left was for me to go home and to take my exit from the story.
There was nothing
here for me any longer, if there ever had been at all.
On
a champagne high (so high)
Where will I be when I stop wondering
why?
On a champagne high - high (so high)
(So high you left me
undone.....)
Before I left, I'd turned and took one last
long look at the happy couple.
I watched them together, dancing in one another's arms, and saw the love radiate from them and in that moment I knew that things had worked out the way they were supposed to.
They looked right together and I knew that Stephanie was going to be happy. Ranger would take care of her, keep her as safe as he could, and more than that he'd love her with all his heard and that was all I could want for her.
I had tears in my eyes as I finally turned and walked away. Stephanie had achieved her happily ever after, but I had no part of it. She wasn't mine anymore, if she'd ever really been at all.
Still, we'd had our time together, our moment in the sun, but now it was done. Obviously, what we'd had hadn't been meant for forever and it'd burnt itself out. Now Stephanie'd moved on to something else, she'd found her forever and it didn't include me.
I stepped out of the reception hall into the cold night air and felt a pain in my heart that I wasn't sure would ever go away. I'd always considered myself a strong man, but that one day had left me completely undone.
No, it wasn't the day, though it had certainly been a special kind of Hell, it had been her... Stephanie Plum had been turning my life upside down for a long time and now she'd managed to take away all my defences and left me completely undone. She'd always been my biggest weakness and now she'd destroyed me, by simply walking out of my life.
- End