The haunting dark walls surrounding my dying soul. The freezing floors holding my draining body. The room swallowing me into oblivion. No more emotions running through my body. I have been here for almost three years in this hell hole with him. Four silent walls that hold many secrets that I'm afraid of anyone finding out the truth. The things he did to me, the torture, the abuse, the rape. My body used as a punching bag, as an object that you can use and throw away at any instant. The helpless screams of my agonizing soul. I keep on praying that someone will find me someday, but as the days go on it all seems too far to come true. Chains that hold my body subduing me. The chains attached to my hands, legs, and worst of all one around my neck like an animal. "Sit, speak, listen, and obey" are only of the many commands he has made you follow.I can't fight, not that I try to anymore. Fighting is useless now.
I remember when I used to fight him, he made a mockery of me, humiliated, and degraded me for his own entertainment. Every night he comes and enjoys himself while I lay there still wanting for it to end. The way he touches me, his hands roaming every part of my body. The moaning and grunting sounds he makes when he is in me. My brain learned to block out everything that happened through out the whole time. I learned to dissociate from reality every time he comes into my room. My body is physically there but my soul seems to escape this horrible reality. The tears are silent, I try to hold them in, but it's useless, they cascade down my face. Why keep try to be strong if there is no shred of bravery in you anymore? You learn to adapt to these conditions that you're forced to live on. You learn, you behave because if your a "bad girl" then "daddy" will beat you till your whole body is purple and blue.
You keep on wondering "Why do I keep going on? Going when there is nothing worth fighting for…" But then you remember that there is something to keep fighting for… Those two little brown eyed innocent children that you see playing, they are yours and only yours. They need you to keep on fighting for them and if you have to keep receiving everything he does to you, you will because they need you to survive for them. If you are gone, they stay with that horrible monster, their father only "biologically". Then there are two more on the way, they also need you to protect them with your life, to love them, to cherish them. They may come from a horrible monster but they are yours, and only yours no one else's, and you will love them unconditionally. You will not treat them the way your mother treated you every time she saw you. They may have come from one of the most horrible crimes there is, but they are still yours. These babies are mine no matter who the father is and how they were conceived that would never dictate my love towards them.
Family, I remember my only family was the squad most importantly, my squad. Do they still remember that you are gone? Do they still remember that you disappeared? Are they still looking for you or any sign of you? Have they forgotten about you yet? Your team… your family… the people you loved once and you still do… they haven't forgotten have they? No right… you were the heart of the team until you where abducted but now do you even have a heart left… he took EVERYTHING away from you… your bravery, your boldness, your love, your compassion, your fire, your determination, EVERYTHING was taken away from you by a single retches and heinous crime he did voluntarily to you without you having any say in the matter. your voice didn't count at that single moment and now you barely make a sound and if you try to defied him he will teach you a lesson like all the many he has. you look back in time in what use to be you life and you ask yourself show all this happened. you life ripped away from you in seconds. you use to think you would have a husband, children, have a wonderful family, amazing job, loving friends, spectacular life but nothing ever goes as planned from Olivia Benson does it….you never get a chance to be happy and when you think you are something always has to happen to mess it up.
Luck is never on my side…
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