Godzilla vs. Jeopardy!
By AtG
[A fanfare starts playing. The camera slowly pans in to show the stage.]
Narrator: THIS IS JEOPARDY! And here is your host, Alex Trebek!
[Camera pans in on Alex]
Alex: Hi folks. Today is the first of the Monster Series. Today's contestants are:
[Camera jumps to Godzilla]
Alex: We have Godzilla, King of the Monsters, and part owner of Tokyo Construction…
[Camera slides to the right]
Alex: Mothra, protector of Earth and one of the few inhabitants of Birth Island…
[Camera slides to the right again]
Alex: and Anguirus, easily defeated friend of Godzilla.
Anguirus: Hey! I'm not…
Alex: And now, today's categories:
_________________________________________________
| Monsters | Mad"ness" | This is Sega! | Before and After | 300
| $100 | $100 | $100 | $100 | $100 |
| $200 | $200 | $200 | $200 | $200 |
| $300 | $300 | $300 | $300 | $300 |
| $400 | $400 | $400 | $400 | $400 |
Alex: Godzilla, you go first:
Godzilla: I'll take, hmmm. What will I take? I'll go with "Mad'ness'" for $100.
Alex{ANSWER}: Often featured in Super Smash Bros., this character is from the Mother series of video games.
Mothra [buzzes in]: What is Ness?
Alex: Correct!
Mothra: Mad"ness" for $200, please.
Alex {ANSWER}: It breeds invention.
Anguirus [buzzes in]: What is a mommy invention?
Alex: Sorry, wrong answer.
Godzilla [buzzes in]: What is necessity?
Alex: Oooh, that was close.
Mothra [buzzes in]: What is needfulness?
Alex: That's the critter we're lookin' for!
Godzilla: Critter?
Alex: Now choose again.
Mothra: Same, for $300, please
Alex {ANSWER}: The forty-two letter long word for "The Knights Who Say Ni!"
Godzilla: WHAT! FORTY-TWO? That's way too long! [fires nuclear breathe at the Mad"ness" category, blowing the screens up] Let's move on people!
_________________________________________________
| Monsters | | This is Sega! | Before and After | 300
| $100 | | $100 | $100 | $100 |
| $200 | | $200 | $200 | $200 |
| $300 | | $300 | $300 | $300 |
| $400 | | $400 | $400 | $400 |
Alex:…ummm, ok? Mothra, choose another…category, please.
Mothra: I pick…eni mini miney mo…I choose 300, for $100.
Alex {ANSWER}: A movie made in 2008 about a hopelessly outnumbered force of Spartans.
Godzilla [buzzes in]: WHAT IS SPARTA?!?
Alex: Sorry, no.
Anguirus [buzzes in]: What is Halo?
Alex: No, sorry.
Mothra [buzzes in]: What is 300?
Alex: Correct!
Godzilla: WHAT? That was too easy!
Alex: Hey, I didn't make the clues: I'm just reading them.
Godzilla: [growls deeply]
Alex: (Gulp)…
Mothra: I'll take 300 for $200
Alex {ANSWER}: 300 of these were dug in the filming of 300.
Anguirus [buzzes in]: What are fortified entrenchments?
Alex: I don't think so…
Godzilla [buzzes in]: What are giant pits? I'm going to throw Alex into one, if this game doesn't start turning around!
Alex: (shakes) OK! That was the right answer, by the way.
Godzilla: Alright! I choose, Monsters, for $100!
Alex {ANSWER}: In 1954…
Godzilla [buzzes in]: What is Gojira!
Alex: Correct, but don't answer before I'm finished!
Godzilla: But it was on the screen!
Alex: Sorry, you loose all your money. Now Anguirus can choose.
Anguirus: OK! Now, I choose…
Alex: But look, it's time for a commercial break!
[cut to commercial #1]
Announcer: Got a ship?
Vortaak Dude: Yeah
Announcer: Got insurance?
Vortaak Dude: No, the Vortaak are going to rule the Earth. We don't need insurance.
Announcer: It's a crime to fly uninsured. Get your insurance from Safe Spaceship!
Vortaak Dude: [zaps announcer with ray gun and flies off]
Singing Girl Announcer: 1-800-Safe Spaceship! Play it safe, Safe Spaceship!
[end commercial #1, cut to commercial #2]
That Movie Announcer: (This movie has not yet been rated) In a world, where monsters roam…
[Godzilla walks past the screen]
TMA: One stands alone against the menace…
[Godzilla is standing in front of a small purple dinosaur]
TMA: That would corrupt the minds of our children…
[Godzilla is about to step on the purple dinosaur]
TMA: Godzilla vs. Barney, coming to a theater near you!
[end commercial #2, cut to commercial #3]
Politically Correct Announcer: Tired of taxes? Sick of spending? Frustrated at fools? If you are aggravated at the Gojiracrats, then you're not alone. For 54 long years, they have cut the defense budget. . .
[shows a decrepit, out-of-order MechaGodzilla]
PCA: . . .supported fruitless battles. . .
[shows Godzilla stepping on little tanks]
PCA: . . . and given tax cuts to the rich.
[shows Mothra sitting on a throne with 50 servants surrounding her]
PCA: We can't afford 54 more years of the same. . .
Ghidorah: I'm King Ghidorah and I approve this message.
Ghidorican Dude [spoken fast]: This message is part of the Ghidorah for President Ad campaign.
[end commercial #3, cut back to Alex]
Alex: Alright, I'd like to take a little time to get to know each of our contestants.
[Alex walks over to Godzilla]
Alex: Now, if I understand this correct, you broke a Guinness World Record? Which one was that?
Godzilla: Well, you must understand Alex, I'm a big monster, and I need big food. So yeah, I made the world's biggest Super Uber Spicy Bean Burrito.
Alex:. . . OK!
[Alex walks over to Mothra]
Alex: Mothra, it's a little known fact that you're the entire government on Birth Island. Now how did that happen?
Mothra: Well, I just flew there, and nobody else was there, so I claimed it in the name of Spai. . .Mothra!
Alex: Ha ha. . .now, on to Anguirus.
[Alex walks to Anguirus]
Alex: Everybody knows that you're the easily defeated friend of Godzilla . . .
Anguirus: . . .
Alex: . . . but what is little known is that you discovered a cure for the common cold. Wow, could you tell us how you did that?
Anguirus: Well, first I. . .
Alex: [looks at watch] Oh, sorry, we have to get back to the game.
[Alex walks over to his little desk thing and looks at his cue cards]
Alex: This is the board so far:
_________________________________________________
| Monsters | | This is Sega! | Before and After | 300
| | | $100 | $100 | |
| $200 | | $200 | $200 | |
| $300 | | $300 | $300 | $300 |
| $400 | | $400 | $400 | $400 |
Alex: You pick, Anguirus
Anguirus: I want Monsters, for $200.
Alex {ANSWER}: Archeologists at first thought that this "tyrant" lizard was a monster.
Godzilla [buzzes in]: What is me?
Alex: No
Mothra [buzzes in]: What is Anguirus?
Anguirus: Hey!
Alex: That's not it. Anyone?
Anguirus [buzzes in]: What is Mothra!?
Mothra: (glares at Anguirus)
Alex: Nobody got it. The correct answer was 'tyrannosaurus rex' Anguirus, you pick.
Anguirus: (sweats) I think we'll change the subject. I'll take Before and After, for $100.
Alex {ANSWER}: A preparation of food becomes a statue in the city of Gotham.
Anguirus [buzzes in]: What is fried Bacon?
Alex: Nope, that's not the food.
Mothra [buzzes in]: What is the Eggs Benedict Arnold Memorial?
Alex: Yes! Now choose a clue.
Mothra: (rolls dice) I pick Before and After for $200
Alex {ANSWER}: Hamlet's favorite saying becomes the Boy Scout motto.
Godzilla [buzzes in]: What is 'to be or not to be prepared'
Alex: You must have been a brooding monarch Boy Scout, because that's the right answer! Select a clue.
Godzilla: I want Monsters, for $300.
Alex {ANSWER}: Marie Shelley wrote of this lightning-resuscitated monster.
Anguirus [buzzes in]: What is Frankenstein!
Alex: Close, but close only counts in horseshoes.
Godzilla [buzzes in]: What is Frankenstein's monster?
Alex: Correct! See, we wanted the monster's name, not its creator. Pick again.
Godzilla: Let's finish the category off!
Alex {ANSWER}: Even though not monsters, elves and the likes are often treated as such. Which of these pointy-eared 'monsters' threatened to kidnap the child of the person who couldn't guess his name?
Mothra [buzzes in]: Who is Spock?
Alex: . . .what?!?
Mothra: Ariel? Sarek? The Muffin Man? Shrek? Destroyah? Dr. Robotnik?
Alex: Sorry, you only get one guess.
Godzilla: (scratches head)
Anguirus [buzzes in]: Who is Rumpel. . .
Mothra (cuts in): Marion Ravenwood? Deckard? James Bond? William Shatner?
Alex: . . .
Mothra: Jim Phelps? Cinnamon? Barney? Baby Bop? Elmo? The Cookie-Monster?
Alex: The last ones were close, but the correct answer is 'Rumpelstiltskin'.
Alex (impatiently): Since you guessed way too much Mothra, the judges have taken away all your money, and Godzilla and Anguirus, since you didn't stop her, they took your money away too, and gave all three of your money to their three year old Labrador Retriever.
Godzilla: GRRRRRRRRRR!!!
Alex: (gulp, gulp) Godzilla . . . you . . . choose.
Godzilla: I'll take 300 for $300.
Alex {ANSWER}: This Spartan commander-in-chief led the 300 against the Persians.
Godzilla [buzzes in]: WHO IS WILLIAM T. RIKER!
Alex: Wrong country, wrong century.
Mothra [buzzes in]: Who is Alexander the Great? [winks at Alex]
Alex: Hmmm . . . [talks into cell phone] . . . the judges accept that answer.
Godzilla: WHAAAAAAT! It was King Leonidas! And just who are these 'judges' anyway?
Alex: My ten grandchildren.
Godzilla: (sighs)
Alex: You know what? We need to cut to a commercial break!
[cut to commercial #4]
[a bridge can be seen in the background]
Heidi: Some tools excel, but others just don't cut it. Just look at this bridge built with Generics Tools.
[bridge collapses and explodes; cuts to second, stronger looking bridge]
Heidi: But just look at the same bridge built with Binford Tools.
[Godzilla falls on bridge, but it doesn't collapse]
Heidi: Just another example of what the Tool Man would call 'more power'
[end commercial #4, cut to commercial #5]
[Godzilla and Gojila sit in cave]
Godzilla: Someone hurt me. I'm gonna get 'em.
[flashes Godzilla jumping through a window]
Godzilla: And they're gonna hurt.
Gojila: . . . well, let me know how that goes! (Skips off)
[cuts to M-othra's office]
M-othra: I hope you're not motivated by personal hatred!
Godzilla: No.
[cuts to Godzilla walking down the street carrying a POLARIS skywriting rocket spelling out the title]
TMA: Monster of Solace. In theaters today.
[end commercial #5, cut back to Alex]
Alex: Alright, let's get back to playing. Here's the board:
_________________________________________________
| | | This is Sega! | Before and After | 300
| | | $100 | | |
| | | $200 | | |
| | | $300 | $300 | |
| | | $400 | $400 | $400 |
Alex: It's Godzilla's choice, but still anyone's game.
Godzilla: Let's finish off the 300!
Alex {ANSWER}: What was the name of King Leonidas' butler?
Mothra [buzzes in]: What is 'He Didn't Have a Butler, He Had a Maid'?
Alex: That's correct!
Godzilla, Anguirus, and the Entire Audience: . . .
Mothra: I want Before and After for $300.
Alex {ANSWER}: A movie with Godzilla and his son on Monster Island becomes the Sith's retaliation.
Anguirus [buzzes in]: What is Godzilla Returns of the Jedi?
Alex: Ha ha ha! That was funny . . . oh, you were being serious. That was wrong.
Mothra [buzzes in]: What is Godzilla's Revenge of the Sith?
Alex: That's it! Now choose again!
Mothra: I pick my nose! No, just kidding. I pick Before and After, for $400.
Alex {ANSWER}: Children's Bible song becomes an internet RPG.
Anguirus [buzzes in]: What is He's Got the Whole World of Warcraft?
Alex: That's right! Normally, I would say 'Now you choose', but since we're running out of time, the judges have seen fit to combine all of the "This is Sega!" category into one super difficult free-for-all question!
_________________________________________________
| | | This is Sega! | |
| | | $8888 | | |
Alex {ANSWER}: Who is the creator of Sonic's mother's father's cousin's neice's daughter's uncle's cousin three times removed's uncle's stepsister's cousin?
Godzilla [buzzes in]: Who is Yuji Naka?
Alex: No. You lose. [Godzilla loses all his money and growls]
Mothra [buzzes in]: Who is Number One?
Alex: I am! I mean, no, that's the wrong answer.
Anguirus [buzzes in]: Your mom!
Alex: . . . state that as question, please.
Anguirus: Who is your mom!
Alex: (shocked) . . that's . . . right . . . Anyway! Congratulations Anguirus! You're our new Jeopardy champion!
Godzilla and Mothra: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
Alex: Well, that's all the time we have today. See you next time, on Jeopardy!
[theme music plays. Fade out.]