Title: Love and Hate
Author: Hailie
Summary: Carter finally returns from Africa, only to receive a letter of his own.
~~
"John Carter returns," Susan teased from her position behind the admit desk as she saw him walk through the ER doors.
"Yeah, did you miss me?"
"No not really," she assured him.
False anger filled his face as he tried not to smile in her direction.
"Did you find what you were looking for?" she asked, a serious tone filling her voice.
"I think I did," he answered.
"Are you back for good?"
"Yeah, I'm back for good," he affirmed.
"Carter," Luka said as he approached the side of the desk.
"Luka, good to see you're doing good."
"Well, it's been a long time."
"It hasn't been that long," Carter replied.
"A couple of months."
"Did I miss anything while I was gone?"
Suddenly a loud crash could be heard through the ER and as the three doctors turned around a young dark haired guy said "sorry."
"New med students," Luka said.
"Lots of new med students," Susan added laughing.
Carter couldn't help but laugh.
"So you think Weaver will give me my job back?"
"I don't see why not," Luka said as he walked away with a new chart.
"So, um, is Abby working today?" he asked sounding unsure. He needed to talk to her, but he was very nervous about the essential encounter.
Susan's smile faded and she said, "Abby left the ER."
"What?" Carter said surprised.
Susan just nodded.
"Where does she work? On a different floor?"
"No, Carter, she left the hospital." Susan explained. "She left Chicago."
"Why?"
"She said it was time for a change." Susan said quietly, "she left a letter for you, it in my locker."
~~
Susan handed him the letter from her locker. It was sealed in an envelope that simply had his name written on it. He opened it nervously, it said:
John,
I wanted to thank you for so many things. Most of all for doing what I knew I would never be able to do. I would never have been able to let go of you. Never.
I don't think I'll ever look back and think that we could have made it. I know we couldn't. I knew we couldn't from the beginning. I'm just glad you figured it out too.
I want to thank you for showing me what love was. For showing me that it exists outside of fairy tales, fantasies, and lies. I never really believed that it did. As a kid the words were never said, it was a secret that you held deep inside. So I guess that's why I never told you—
But I did love you. I do love you. I probably always will.
There are so many things that I wanted to tell you, but couldn't because I was to scared, or to ashamed. Whatever the reason, I think you should know. I don't blame you for anything that went wrong. We both know that it was me.
I want to thank you for caring even when I desperately didn't want you to. For insisting that I get better for me, not for us; not for you. I admit I did it for you, just like I went to that meeting for you so long ago. Each meeting became more and more for you, and less for me. That's changed now, for how long? I'm not sure.
A letter Carter? Why? I guess I'll never really know, but I don't think that knowing the exact reason could matter too much. I guess I just wasn't important enough for more. That's alright, I understand.
I need you to know that I don't regret what we had. Even if in the end we both got burned far worse then ever before.
Do you remember that night by the river when you told me you didn't want to be my friend? You said you weren't my girlfriend, and I looked confused. I think that made you angrier, but I was confused. You see Carter, you were my first best friend. I didn't know that what I was doing to you was wrong. Looking back I see it, and I'm sorry. But I really didn't know.
Why did we become friends anyways? Mutual addiction? Shared loneliness? I'm not quite sure, but that's how we should have stayed. It was uncomplicated; the one constant thing that we could hold on to in our overly complicated lives. It was ours, and no one could break it, except us. And we did.
We shouldn't have crossed that line. We hurt each other more then two people should ever hurt each other, because we knew how.
We had fun though didn't we? We were carefree like couples should be; At least for a while. Chaos theory. I do agree that explains us completely.
Forever and always. Carter and Abby. Coffee and Pie. All shattered.
The memories I'll carry for life and I can only hope that you do too.
I guess I should say something about the night that sealed our fate long before we acknowledged it. The restaurant. It was to early for us to be engaged. I honestly believe that. But what you didn't know, what I couldn't tell you was that I found it. It feel out of you're pocket onto the table when we got home.
That killed me. You had a ring. But I knew that I would never be the one to wear it. Because that was our night and we missed our chance to capture it. That's when I began to act cold and you began to withdraw, wasn't it?
I guess it doesn't really matter when our where, or even how it happened. But it did. We stopped being Carter and Abby long ago.
This isn't a letter of hate for anything that you did. It's just my goodbye, to you.
I'll think long and hard before leaving it for you, and even then I'll probably regret it. But I'll never see you again, so it doesn't really matter if you read it or not.
It's the truth; I'm not coming back. It would be too hard to see you with that perfect girl that was made just for you. And some day you'll be a daddy and it would kill me to see your picture perfect kids knowing that they should have been mine.
So I'll leave you with that. John Carter I wish you all the luck for a future that you deserve. I hope you find whatever it is that you've been looking for.
There's a thin line between love and hate, and I think we've crossed it both ways.
Abby
Tears filled his eyes as he finished the letter. He hadn't really meant forever when he told her that he needed time, that they needed time apart. But that's what Abby had thought. And now they were over for good. Forever.
She was wrong. He wouldn't find the perfect girl, because she had been the perfect girl, and he had screwed up with her. Again.
Some part of him though, understood. He hadn't even tried to contact her the last few months. So why wouldn't she think that he wanted them to be over for good.
Her letter contained her heart, it was completely and totally Abby. His had been a letter of excuses while hers a letter of truths.
She had thanked him, and he was sorry.
She was wrong; it wasn't her that didn't deserve him. It was him who didn't deserve her.
~~
Author's note: okay so I don't think it's very good, but Tizzy convinced me to post it anyways. So let me know what you think. Please!
And since I keep getting e-mails and reviews about 'one day' I will continue it, but I'm not sure how soon. I lost the last chapter twice thanks to my stupid computer, and I'm not quite sure what to write now. THANKS to all the encouragement about the story though.
~Hailie