Disclaimer: If I owned any of this do you think I'd write fan fiction. No, I own none of this except this story. All the characters and situations you recognize belong to one Mrs. Jo Rowling (I don't think she changed her name-and I wonder when that babies due....) And also about a million movie and publishing companies. You can sue if you like, it won't get very far 'coz you'd have to simultaneously sue every author of every fan fic. And you'd have to track me down first! HA HA HA HA HA!
Author's note: I am crazy. This is my first fan fic. I have other, more serious and long ones planed. My friends tell me I'm only funny when I'm not trying, so If none of you laugh you know I've been trying. If I don't get any good reviews I won't bother with any other chapters. Why make people suffer.
Author's sister's note: DON'T DO IT. STOP READING NOW SHE'S CRAZY! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (muffled gunshot noise)
Author: sorry about the interruption
Warning: Gets kind of scary at the end. I creep myself out. Oh no! Not like that! (Ick, Flitwick and McGonagall. I need therapy now, thank you very much Dirty minded little girl in Montreal!)
Summery: What really goes on in the staff room. Each chap is a diff book. The incident time (or the thing there gossiping about) is written before. First ones not very good but it gets better, I hope. So here's Hogwart's Staff room gossip, book 1.
After the Sorting.
All the teachers, as it was traditional by then, gathered in the staff room after the feast. They only ever discussed one topic: the sorting, and who got whom.
McGonagall naturally was the smuggest. She resisted the urge to copy the Weasley twins and sing "I got Potter" because she knew everyone would then promptly remind her she had those Weasley twins.
"So Potter is a Gryffindor, like his father before him" Flitwick was the first to broach the subject everyone was dying to talk about. "Minerva will probably add there was never any doubt he'd be anything else"
"Hey," said Prof. Sinistra, head of Ravenclaw. "He might have been in any of the houses."
Nearly every teacher glanced at Snape and seriously wondered if the boy who lived could ever be a Slytherin.
Minerva smiled. "Tell us Severus, what would you have done if Potter were in your house?"
A couple of teachers from the days when Snape had been at school looked up rather interested. They all knew that Snape had HATED James Potter, but it was obvious Snape favoured his house highly.
"Ah," Said Snape. "If only he were a Slytherin, then Potter might have had a chance"
Minerva was slightly hurt, "What's that supposed to mean?" she demanded.
Snape smiled, "He'd have had the chance to see his house win the Championship. What a shame, Potter's always did like glory" He said as he stood. "Must go now, goodnight all" And he promptly left the room.
"Might win it this year, big...menace...old man...thinks he's better...always winning...in with chance..." Sinistra began her incoherent raging that happened through out the year when people insulted her beloved house. And at other random times.
"Yeah, we'll beat him," said Sprout, egging on Stella Sinistra's ranting. "We'll beat him good"
Other members of staff exchanged nervous glances. They knew a pact between clever Ravenclaws and hard working Hufflepuffs would be very dangerous. They didn't want to remember the last time Hufflepuff had won the House championships, with the Ravenclaw's help. They hoped that there would be no Devil's Snare and Tickling Charms involved this time...
"M-maybe this w-wi-will b-be the year th-they get beat-beaten e-eh?" Stammered Quirrel. "F-fair and Sq-square."
"Yes," Said McGonagall, looking pointedly at the muttering heads of houses. "We'd never want to sink to their level"
"Wouldn't we?" Said Sprout, with that glint in her eye.
The staff all decided to leave before they heard too much. And not to take points off Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff this year.
After Harry is spotted as the Next Seeker.
"PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE........."continues for five minutes.
"Minerva, it's not really fair on the other students"
"Ah, go on"
"I really can't"
"Yes you CAN"
"Alright then. I really shouldn't."
Meanwhile, in the darkest corner of the staff room (where the Pumpkin Fizz is kept so it doesn't go off in the sun) Sinistra and Sprout plotted.
"So McGonagall wants Potter as a seeker eh, wants to break the rules?" Sprout narrowed her eyes in thought.
"Stupid Slytherins...win Quidditch to...hardly beat...points..." Stella went off at what she was best at. She wasn't head of Ravenclaw for anything though; her ranting often led to incredible ideas.
"Sinistra you genius you. If we make sure that Gryffindor have a really strong Quidditch team the Slytherins won't be able to get any points that way!"
"So we should support Minerva...but then Gryffindor get points not us..." Stella whimpered. "But I suppose we'd be able to beat Slytherin more easily!" She brightened and returned to her coherent state.
"OI! Dumbledore" Sprout shouted. "Let Potter be on the team, I don't care."
"Yeah! The boy should get to play if he's got Minerva so excited. He must be good" Sinistra joined in, winking at Sprout.
Dumbledore frowned slightly. "Madam Hooch?" he asked, looking for her opinion.
"Well it is highly unusual. I mean we haven't let first years on the team for 100 years so really..." just then Hooch realized that she was receiving death glares from McGonagall, Sprout and Sinistra. "So we really should give it a try."
Madam Hooch had no desire to be turned into a pig, attacked by the Whomping willow or...well she supposed there wasn't anyway Sinistra could use astronomy against her. But those moon models were heavy and she could chuck pretty far when she was a chaser 14 years ago.
"OK," Dumbledore gave up.
And that's how Harry Potter got into the Team.
Halloween
"Potter and Weasley did WHAT!" cried out Flitwick in amazement.
"Defeated the troll" McGonagall repeated. "A fully grown Mountain Troll in a bad mood"
"Wow!" was Madam Pomfrey's only comment. "And none of them ended up in the hospital wing. I hope that means I won't be seeing much of them" (Thunder suddenly explodes outside. Everyone looks at her)
"DON'T tempt fate, I remember now!" She said brightly.
"Oh but Minerva, could you please tell us how they defeated the troll." Called out Professor Kettleburn. "I may teach it to my sixth years next lesson"
"Harry, showing true Gryffindor bravery..."
"With a dose of typical Gryffindor stupidity" mumbled Snape.
" And jumped onto the trolls back in order to distract it from young Miss Granger. The Mr. Weasley used the levitating charm to knock the troll out with his own club"
There was a stunned silence. "He knocked the troll out using the levitating charm?" Repeated Stella.
Flitwick jumped to his feet and said in an excited squeak (that just made him REALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO UNDERSTAND) "Ha! They used something they learned in CHARMS! My subject! HA! I TOLD you Charms always saves the day!"
Everyone stared at him so he chose to try and jump back onto his seat again. It took 4 attempts and a boost from Pomfrey.
"Ah, well, you know, it was quite sweet really," Said Sinistra gaining a few stares.
"How do you mean?"
"Well you know, Harry rescuing her like that...I think we might just be seeing his first crush..."
Sinistra wasn't permitted to finish her train of thought as Prof. Flitwick interrupted her. "Don't be ridiculous. Its obvious that Ron has a thing for Hermione, look at the way they fight! She must feel the same way back..."
"NO! Harry likes her and she likes him to. He jumped on that trolls back" Stella protested.
"But then Weasley did knock it out." Said McGonagall thoughtfully. This was a tough one to call.
A fight then took place amongst the faculty of Hogwarts. Who liked Hermione more, and which of the two boys would end up with her. That day the first bets were placed in a ledger, which would continue to have some use over the years.
After the First Quidditch Match
"We won! We Won! Na! Na!" Prof. McGonagall practically danced in front of Snape. Sprout and Sinistra watched from their corner and enjoyed.
"He caught it in his mouth! I'd hardly hail it as an achievement." Snape replied testily.
"Still counts!"
"And your poor cloak Severus, that caught on fire to. You're really having a bad day." Sprout felt good.
"Yes! Alas poor me. I had to watch Potter almost fall off his broom and then chuck up the snitch. Nobody deserves such torment." Snape said icily before leaving the room.
Minerva looked a little down trodden, "He could have been a good loser, it's not like I rubbed it in or anything..."
"Don't worry Minerva...Were gonna get him good. Maybe you should..."
"Have to go!" Minerva ran from the room before she found herself pulled into the evil scheming.
After the golden trio demand to see Dumbledore.
McGonagall ran into the staff room at full pelt, gaining the immediate attention of all those in the room.
"They KNOW! I told you they knew! Pay up!"
Minerva grabbed the ledger from the side. About a month ago she had bet that the trio had found out about the Philosopher's (or sorcerer's if you prefer) stone from there behaviour. Filch had agreed but Flit wick and Kettleburn had said it was impossible. Sprout bet 10 Galleons that they thought it was something else down there. Now they were going to have to pay up. She wondered if she'd made the right choice in the relationship betting stakes as well. She had won 24 Galleons 4 Sickles and 7 Knuts after the last Quidditch game was over in less than 20 minutes. Maybe she was on a winning streak...
"Oh now come on," Kettleburn began. "You just can't come in here and announce that. You've no proof."
"Hey! They came running into my classroom demanding to see Dumbledore! Potter said it was urgent and about the Philosopher's stone. I was so shocked I dropped my books with delight because I never thought they'd actually tell me! In front of witnesses. Of course I had to pretend to be angry." She replied excitedly.
Professor Binns choose this moment to glide in. "Minerva is indeed correct. I overheard the conversation." He confirmed.
"Humph!" Said Sprout, who gave McGonagall 5 Galleons and put 5 aside for Filch. "What were they saying about the stone?"
Prof. McGonagall was busy counting her money. "Oh something about someone stealing it." She answered absent-mindedly.
Professor Quirrel dropped his cup of tea with a squeal and ran from the room in sheer terror. He never imagined Potter would truly cotton on. How ever was he going to prepare his speech in time! He needed to sound positively evil in case Potter caught him out at any moment. Oh this was a disaster!
"Wonder what's up with him" Prof. Binns said lightly. "Looks like he's seen a gh...Oh would you look at that I'm dead!"
"Ha! I am on a winning streak! 4 to 5 years was my bet. Hand over the money!" Shouted Minerva as everyone was forced to give her a Galleon each after she correctly guessed when Binns would realize he was dead. Did I just state the obvious or what?
After Gryffindor wins the house Championship.
Sinistra and Sprout sat in the corner giggling madly with happiness. Sure, neither of their houses won but Slytherins hated Gryffindor so much more. They'd beat him good...
"Oh Stella! Our devious plan worked! We showed Snape!" Sprout tried to contain her manic laughter; they were beginning to draw stares.
"Look...Snape's face...showed him...gutted...secret plan...we rock...suspected..." Stella was mumbling with joy. Her brilliant plan combined with Sprouts little hints and efforts had secured a loss for Slytherin.
"We were in trouble for a minute there, weren't we old girl?" Commented Sprout, smiling slightly at the memory of the incident that had nearly ruined their plan.
"Silly Minerva...points...own house...think...new plan...he-he...no one suspected!" Sinistra continued raving, Sprout would have snapped her out of it but her brain wasn't needed right now.
"Yes, I did a good job of throwing them off. That bet...one of the best ideas I had." After Gryffindor had lost so many points and put Slytherin in the lead Sprout and Sinistra knew that they would need a drastic plan. There own houses could never catch up with out raising suspicion. "Threw them off and let me know they knew it existed...and Minerva even let it slip that they thought someone was trying to steal it! Perfect!"
"Potter and Granger...dragon...cloak...nobody could guess"
"Indeed you were clever there to" Said Sprout in an almost reassuring manor, patting Stella's hand. "Finding out why they were out and returning the cloak so they'd have a better chance."
"Snare...tell...innocent looking...help them..."
"Oh yes and I mentioned in class all about Devil's snare, even though they're not supposed to learn about it until 4th year." Sprout had easily gotten rid of their first obstacle.
"You-know-who...return...shhh...keep quite...beat Snape!"
Sprout smiled in a scarily evil way. With all her smarts (and slight ability as a seer) dear Stella soon knew that someone was after the stone. When they saw Potter complain about his scar it was really easy to deduce it was you-know-who.
"Yes. We knew Potter would want to take him on, didn't we dear?" Stella nodded feverently. "We knew Granger and Weasley would never abandon him. We helped him get past those obstacles."
"Defeat...evil...lots of points...beat him good!"
"Yes and if Potter and his sidekicks succeeded, then they'd gain lots of points for Gryffindor! Points enough to beat him" Sprout hissed staring at Snape across the staff room. "Good thing he learnt about the mirror from Dumbledore...after you let it slip you'd seen him in there." They had been lucky that Stella had spotted Potter. They'd never meant to tell Dumbledore but Stella let it slip. Luckily she was a good actress.
Sinistra began to impersonate herself, "Oh please Albus, do go easy on him. I'm sure he found the mirror by pure accident. Maybe he found it during the day. And he sees his parents in it...you have to forgive him for going back. Go easy, don't take points. This really shouldn't get out." Stella whispered the exact words she had used. She then, out of here babbling phase continued. "Who knew then that Potter learning about the mirror would be so essential for a plan we then didn't even need."
"Yes Stella! We sent Harry Potter to face the Dark Lord! We gave him everything he could ever need to succeed and we figured it all out by ourselves! We knew he would get the points he got today...WE KNEW WE'D BEAT HIM GOOD!"
They followed this by both cackling, which naturally drew looks their way. They both coughed slightly and the rest of the staff returned to watch the amusing sight of Minerva McGonagall dancing around Snape singing:
"Slytherin lost and you thought you'd won!
Well we did and that story's done,
We were the winners, Gryffindors rule,
Slytherins stink and we're just cool!"
This was the twelfth verse she'd made up (apparently on the spot though Dumbledore swore he'd heard muffled sounds of practice from her office.)
Just then, back in the plotting corner of Sprout and Sinistra, Stella was hit by something odd. She thought it was called a conscience, but she couldn't be sure. She couldn't remember feeling anything like this since she'd become obsessed with beating Snape...dirty git...thought...better..."NO WAIT!" she shouted aloud suddenly. Luckily Only Sprout heard as Minerva had reached the peak of what appeared to be an opera version of the song.
"What?" Said Sprout, looking at her plotting partner with mild concern.
"Well, don't you think we were a bit...I dunno...bad. I mean we sent three 11 year-olds off to face You-Know-Who all buy themselves. We found out exactly what the Dark Lord was up to and we kept it quite so that we could get back at Snape for insulting our houses. I mean those poor kids could've died." She said hurriedly.
"Oh" replied Sprout.
"Were not very good heads of houses are we?" Stella asked her.
"No. But we did beat him good."
Stella Sinistra sighed, got up, and walked away. Hufflepuffs were scarier then people gave them credit for. She'd always wondered why the last head of Ravenclaw had left so suddenly...
"Oh Stella...you wouldn't really think about leaving would you?" Sprout's sweet voice reached her before she was out the door.
She turned around and walked back. No, she liked being alive very much. It was going to take one heck of a plan for her to get out of this one.
End of Book 1
Note: So now you know the truth...you have seen inside the staff room. Yes, I've said it once and I'll say it again. I AM CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So should I continue...I love using three dots...review if you want more. Flame if you hate. Tell me if you frightened. Your response decides if I use my (rather good but a lot less plotting) book 2 ideas or whether I give up and right something serious. Please feel free to email suggestions as well.