The Party

The fifth years had taken over the Gryffindor common room. Their OWLs were over, and everyone was celebrating feeling free and relaxed for the first time in weeks. Everyone except Lily. Lily sat alone on one of the good armchairs by the fire, sipping a goblet of firewhisky, feeling hollow. For once, she was grateful that Sirius Black and James Potter were in her house, because Sirius had managed to steal some drinks from Merlin-knows-where and James had performed a refilling charm on them to make sure there was enough to go around.

She knew she should be feeling just as elated as everyone else, that she should put her ex-best friend out of her mind and just enjoy herself. But she couldn't. No matter how many times she tried, she couldn't stop "I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!" from circling her brain. He'd never called her that before, and although she'd heard him use the word on others, it had shocked her beyond belief to hear him turn that prejudice on her, on Lily, who had always been the exception to his discrimination. As much as she tried to pretend it didn't bother her, especially in front of James Potter, Lily felt shaken. Yesterday, she finally realised she had misjudged Severus Snape, and she was embarrassed it had taken her so long to see him for what he was: a judgmental, spiteful, jealous, weak-minded git.

Lily wished she could get forget everything. Now that she saw him clearly, she never wanted to think about him again, she didn't want even his name to dirty her thoughts. But still, she couldn't bring herself to join in the party. Marlene had tried to get her to dance, but her movements were rigid and awkward, lacking her usual energy, so she had sat back down alone with a drink.

She'd never actually had alcohol before, apart from butterbeer. Lily quickly found that she liked firewhisky, once she became used to the burning sensation in the back of her throat. It warmed her insides as it slid into her belly, making her feel less empty. Draining her goblet, she watched with satisfaction as it instantly refilled itself. This was at least one thing Potter could do right.

Lily sat there for a long time, staring out at the party without really seeing anyone around her. She drank her firewhisky, soon barely noticing as the goblet became empty and then full again. Why couldn't she block him out? Last night he'd come crawling with an apology, all the way up to Gryffindor Tower, but she knew his words were empty. She had put on a brave face, or rather an angry face.

"I can't pretend any more. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine."

"No – listen, I didn't mean –"

"To call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?"

She had so wanted him to admit he was wrong. Not just in calling her Mudblood, but also in his choice of friends, in his beliefs, in his admiration of You-Know-Who. Lily wished desperately that she could have convinced Severus that the path he was choosing was categorically wrong. She didn't understand how two children who grew up in the same town, who had been friends for so many years, and had so many other things in common could grow up to be on opposite sides of a brewing war. She didn't know which hurt more, the pain of Severus' betrayal, or the sense that she, and her own poor judgment had betrayed herself.

Their fight had hung over her all day today. She knew she hadn't done as well in her Transfiguration exam as she should have. The fear that she might not gain the Exceeds Expectations mark required by Professor McGonagall to take NEWT level Transfiguration only added to her distress.

Lily shook her head, and took another swig of firewhisky. Severus had ruined enough. He had made her feel stupid and angry and hurt all day, he had affected her concentration in her exam, and now he was wrecking what should be a fun party with all her friends, celebrating the end of their OWLs. Determined to forget all about him, rather than sit stewing over it, she stood up, looking around for Mary and Marlene. The sudden movement made her head spin, and she looked down at her goblet, astonished. Was she drunk? She didn't have any experience with drinking, so she supposed she might be. She hadn't been paying much attention to her drink, having simply enjoyed the warmth and the strength it gave her. She tried to remember how many times her goblet had refilled itself. Three times? Four?

Lily decided she didn't care. She emptied her cup again in one, and strode over to where Mary and Marlene were laughing with Eliot Emerson. Lily had never really liked Eliot, ever since she had seen him making fun of Peter Pettigrew's abysmal attempt at a hovering charm in one of their very first classes at Hogwarts. Lily had always felt sorry for Peter, always in the shadow of James, Sirius and Remus, who really were much more talented than he was, not to mention popular, though Lily herself found them thoroughly tiresome. Still, she joined in conversation with her friends and chatted and laughed with Eliot too, forcing Severus from her mind.

"I thought about summoning Solmins' teddy bear and trying to swap them while the examiner wasn't looking, because the stuffing in mine was all uneven, but then Greta Catchlove accidentally set her bear on fire, and I had time to fix mine up with an engorgement charm instead because all the examiners were so distracted, and by the time he looked back at my teddy bear I think it was definitely passable," Eliot was retelling the story of his own transfiguration exam with great enthusiasm. Lily laughed, and launched into her own lamentation about how the bow around her teddy's neck had been made of rope instead of ribbon, and hopefully that wouldn't count against her.

The conversation turned from exams to their NEWT classes next year to holidays to sneaking out of their parents houses in the meandering way half-heard conversations do when parties are too loud to hear exactly what people are saying, and Lily finally felt herself relaxing properly, the smile on her face becoming less and less forced. And Eliot wasn't so bad really, he was even quite charming, the way he kept toasting everything and anyone in sight.

"To Marlene! The beater of the century!"

"To Sirius! Purveyor of firewhisky!"

"To McGonagall! And not having to do Transfiguration ever again!"

As usual, James had been watching Lily all night. Tonight though, he wasn't plotting ways to convince her to go out with him. Tonight James was worried about her. She'd been sitting all alone drinking for ages, pushing everyone who approached her away, and now that she was finally being social it was with that git Eliot Emerson. He could see him putting the moves on her too, his hand on her waist, leaning closer and closer every time they laughed.

"Prongs, could you be any more pathetic? She's not interested, mate, you've got to get over her," Sirius had come up behind him, and followed his gaze to where it always landed.

"I'm not – I just –"

"No, just no. Come on, let's go watch Wormtail failing at gobstones," Sirius dragged James to the other side of the room, forcing him to turn his back on Lily Evans. But still, every chance he got, he looked over his shoulder, checking up on her as she became ever more unsteady on her feet, leaning more and more heavily on Eliot Emerson.

Lily knew now that she was drunk, and she loved it. She had never thought it would be so liberating to simply not care. She didn't care that Severus Snape had called her a Mudblood, she didn't care that Eliot's hand was moving lower down her back and she definitely didn't care that James Potter kept looking over at her. In fact, to make sure Potter knew just how much she didn't care about him, she started leaning on Eliot, which was helpful anyway since the room had started spinning. At first she had felt uncomfortable under his touch, his rather insistent stroking of her arm, her waist, her back. But now she revelled in it, enjoying the fury it was surely evoking in Potter.

Finally James had had enough. Shaking Sirius off, he walked purposefully over to where Lily was standing with Emerson.

"Is everything ok over here?" he asked, looking meaningfully at Lily.

"Why wouldn't it be, Potter?" she shot back.

"Just looks a bit like Emerson here is in your personal space, thought I'd make sure you didn't mind the smell of prat."

"Since when have you cared about my spersonal pace? Haven't I told you a hundred times I don't like you? So will you just back off?" Lily made to physically push James away, but stumbled and only regained her balance because Emerson had such a tight hold around her waist.

"I think you should leave her alone, Potter," Emerson said loudly.

"I'm sorry, Evans, I just wanted to make sure you were ok, you know, after yesterday," James said quietly, ignoring Emerson.

"Well I am, not that it's any of your business anyway," Lily said, her words running into each other.

James was honestly alarmed, he'd never seen Lily like this. Angry and feisty, sure, but tonight she seemed unbalanced, and out of control, the exact opposite of the usually composed, confident girl he was head over heels for. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes were unfocused, and she swayed as she spoke, almost tripping into him in her attempt to push him. But, recognising defeat, he turned, and returned to his friends.

James sat back down next to Remus, Peter and Sirius, but couldn't stop looking wistfully over at Lily, and no matter how many times Peter was squirted in the face with black ink, he couldn't find it in him to laugh. Instead, he watched as Lily drank more and more, and then as she started dancing with Emerson. Barely a minute into dancing, Emerson had pulled her towards him and pushed their lips together. His arms were around her tightly, so tightly it almost looked like he was holding her on her feet. They were snogging for so long that James wondered whether either of them could breathe. Emerson started moving them towards one of the couches, sitting down and pulling Lily onto his lap. His hands were roving over her whole body now, and Lily started squirming as one hand moved up her thigh. Just as James was thinking he couldn't stand to watch any more, she pulled away, started shoving his hands off her, and stood up unsteadily. She lurched across the room, back to the drinks table, picking up another full goblet.

James looked around the room frantically for Marlene or Mary or any of the girls Lily usually hung out with, but Marlene was preoccupied with her boyfriend Lars, while Mary was nowhere to be seen. Desperately, he turned to Remus.

"Moony, I need you to do something for me," James said quietly, so that Sirius and Peter wouldn't hear.

"What?"

"Evans, she's wasted. She won't let me help her, but I think she needs someone to check on her, could you just go and, I don't know… just casually… you know…"

Looking over at Lily, Remus nodded, "I'm on it."

Just in time too, James thought, because as Remus went over to Lily, Emerson was trying to convince her to rejoin him on the couch.

"Having a good time?" a voice asked from behind her.

Lily spun around, and promptly lost her balance. Remus caught her by the elbow, steadying her.

"I was just -"

"She was just about to come sit with me actually, Lupin," Eliot interrupted.

"I wasn't, I wanted another drink, alone," Lily slurred.

"Hear that Emerson? I think Lily wants to be alone, actually," Remus said.

"Yeah, yeah, I do. Exactly. Alone," Lily said pointedly to Eliot. Looking embarrassed and angry, he moved away.

"Well, do you mind if I sit with you?" Remus asked, politely, gesturing towards some chairs well away from Eliot.

"I guess not," Lily mumbled.

"Looks like you're enjoying the firewhisky, there. Have you, er, had it before?"

"I – well, no, not really."

"It's quite good for taking the mind off things," Remus mused.

"Yeah, it definitely is." As Lily drained her goblet again, and it in turn refilled itself again, Remus reached over, and took it gently from Lily's hands. He instead, conjured another, empty goblet, filled it with water from his wand, and handed it to her.

"I think you've probably had enough of that though, you might want to try drinking this instead," Remus said gently.

"What is it?" Lily asked suspiciously.

"Just something to soothe the nerves," Remus said smoothly, suspecting that Lily would protest if she realised she had been switched to water.

Lily drank deeply, and hiccoughed before saying, "So why isn't James over here with you, trying to ask me out again or something?"

"Actually, I think he's finally taken the hint," Remus said, knowing full well that wasn't true in the slightest.

"Oh," Lily said, looking down into her cup, and then drinking more water. The two of them sat in silence for a few minutes, before Lily spoke again. "I suppose, if he really has, you know, given up on that, then I wouldn't mind if he talked to me, I guess."

Remus looked at her, astonished. Was it possible that Lily didn't hate James after all? Perhaps that she even liked him a little bit? But he tactfully asked neither of these questions, asking instead, "Do you want me to go get him, then?" Silently, Lily nodded.