A/N: I've been away from Fanfiction for a long time now. I'm not sure why I stopped, but I'd like to try and come back if you'll have me. It may take me a while to get back into the flow of things, or it might not even happen. I'm sure a lot has changed here since I frequented back in 2010/11, but hopefully not so much that I'm back to being a complete beginner.

I'll do my best to update regularly, but in the meantime feel free to check out my past selves stuff. See you soon hopefully. Jenni x

While I'm Gone

One

"Don't you want to escape this place, Kyle?" Stan Marsh was lying on his bed, staring up at his bedroom ceiling as he asked the question. His legs were bent at the knee; his black skinny jeans hugging his lean legs, legs that Kyle Broflovski was unabashedly staring at. Stan's blue eyes rolled lazily towards his best friend and he couldn't help but smirk as he realised Kyle was staring.

"I dunno," Kyle shrugged, his gaze moving slowly up Stan's slim body before meeting his eyes. "It's home."

"Well I'm going to get the hell away and never look back," Stan semi shrugged, exhaling a breath he hadn't been aware of holding.

"You'd leave me?" Kyle's eyes widened in surprise. They had always been together; to picture Stan gone was unimaginable. Of course Stan had mentioned leaving before, and colleges outside of South Park had definitely been on his radar, but somehow his words actually hit home this time round.

"Come with me."

Kyle shifted his gaze away from Stan. He focused his attention on an old poster. It had been in Stan's room since he was eight and was frayed and curled at the edges. Although faded with age, Terrance and Philip still smiled wildly back at him, bringing back fond memories. Kyle had spent many happy hours in this bedroom; he didn't want to think about it not being a part of his life anymore. Sure, he realised everyone had to change eventually, but right now he wasn't ready. Right now he just wanted extra time; there was still so much left undone and unsaid.

"Is it really that hard?" Kyle could hear the hurt in Stan's voice and it was obvious to what he was referring to even though it remained unsaid.

Some things were better left unsaid; some, but not all.

"I want to come," Kyle admitted. "I do, I swear. It's just..." he trailed off. He daren't close his eyes for fear of what he would see. Instead he pinched the bridge of his nose, something he had actually picked up from Stan.

"Cartman's gone, Kyle." Kyle winced at the harshness of the words and all at once felt a mixture of guilt and grief. He risked peeking at Stan and saw the pain behind his eyes; eyes you could almost swim in. Eye's you could definitely drown in.

Eric Cartman, a childhood frenemy of the boys had been missing for just over a year. Nobody knew where he was, nor if he were alive or dead.

He hadn't even said goodbye.

"You think I'm stupid," Kyle said.

"Yes."

"Maybe I am."

Growing up, Cartman had always been a douche, especially so to Kyle. He was vindictive, cruel and twisted; a real sociopath and psychopath rolled into one fat blob of a boy. Yet Kyle had seen a different side to him, or at least he thought he had. Now he was less sure.

Kyle had known he was gay long before he fell for Eric Cartman, but it was Cartman who made him come out of the closest. Cartman had been his first.

And now Cartman was gone, and Kyle didn't know whether he was meant to grieve or be pissed.

"Am I not good enough?" Stan asked. Another hard question; Stan was just full of them tonight.

Growing up, Kyle had always had a little thing for Stan, but Stan had always only had eyes for Wendy Testaburger. And on the rare occasions when he was not with Wendy it was always a different girl and then back to Wendy. Kyle had never stood a chance, and he had come to accept that. After Cartman left however, things changed. Stan was there for Kyle emotionally and physically and things just... developed. It had never meant to happen and had certainly never meant to continue, but things don't always go as planned.

"Shouldn't I be asking that?" Kyle asked eventually. "You are still with Wendy aren't you?"

Yes, okay, they were cheating. In a way it made their oh so wrong relationship all that much more exciting, and it was certainly what Kyle needed after Cartman abandoned him. He needed that thrill of knowing what he was doing was wrong, and that risk of possibly being caught. If anything though, Stan enjoyed their forbidden secret all the more than Kyle.

"She's going to Cambridge," Stan said.

"Sorry."

"It is what it is." Stan had always been the most moral of the group, and he had clearly shown remorse over cheating on Wendy for the past few months, yet that remorse was obviously not enough to stop anything. Kyle was sure Stan would have caved and told her eventually, but it appeared that now he had been offered a get out of jail free card and was going to take it.

"You could always go with her?"

"You think I'd get into Cambridge?" Stan laughed. "I'm not that smart Kyle. You on the other hand..." Stan rolled onto his side and brought his legs over the edge of the bed. Kyle watched his fluid movements without meeting his eyes.

"I think I'll hang around here..." Kyle shrugged. It was wrong of him to think Cartman would return. Kyle knew it was way past time to move on, but moving on completely was more difficult than he could have ever imagined.

This time Stan was the one to pinch the bridge of his nose. "You're better than all this, Kyle."

"But what if I'm not?"

"Don't you get it Kyle? I want you to come with me. I want to be with you. We can't have that here."

"Why not?"

"There's too much history. Too much sour past. And too many people we'd piss off."

"Wendy's parents?" Kyle had never admitted it, but it hurt to be Stan's seconds. It hurt to be the 'other woman' in the relationship (or 'other man' in this case.)

"And Cartman's mom."

Kyle still visited Cartman's mom every Sunday. She wasn't doing too good, but seeing Kyle seemed to help. He wasn't sure she would ever recover from losing her son. She wasn't naive, she knew what a psychopath he could be, but he was still her baby boy and she loved him. Mrs Cartman was forever grateful to Kyle for showing Cartman love and making him happy; she had once confessed that she wasn't sure anyone would ever be able to love her son other than herself, but she was glad she had been wrong.

"Mrs Cartman still believes he'll come back and you'll be waiting," Stan pointed out. "You can't wait forever."

"I know," Kyle sighed. "I know," he repeated sadly. Kyle pulled himself to his feet, still avoiding eye contact. "Listen, I need to think about all this. Wait for me?"

"Always."

Kyle closed his eyes and it was Cartman's voice he heard that echoed always.