Disclaimer: Tolkien wrote the masterpiece. Peter Jackson directed the movie. Sean Bean was born. All three deserve great amounts of praise for what they have done.

For Sean Bean, the most gorgeous and potentially the least-gay, man on the planet.

~Man Of Gondor~

"Fetch the Hobbits, Boromir."

"Yes, Aragorn."

"You haven't forgotten you're on cooking duty?"

"No, Aragorn." Three bags full, Aragorn.

I hate the way he's taken charge. I hate the way he commands such loyalty. I hate the fact that if he told me to jump off a cliff I would ask him if he wanted me to take a running leap or just step off the edge.

It's bloody annoying.

I can't help it. I think I love him, or maybe it's just lust. He is very attractive- long lean body, rough stubble across a firm chin, tender eyes, and beautiful hands…

Okay, yesterday I thought he was some stupid upstart who fancied himself as king, and now I think his hands are beautiful. This love, or whatever else it could be called, is progressing fast.

The problem is that men of Gondor don't fall in love. Especially not with other men.

Aragorn's voice interrupts my thoughts. "Boromir, stay guard over the Hobbits. I'm going to have a look at the lay of the land."

"Be careful!" I say. Damn! Now he might think I care about him. I don't. I'm only in love with him. It's not like I have to like him or anything!

The hobbits all look at me expectantly. "Sit down. Take some rest," I growl. If I hate Aragorn then I definitely like the Hobbits. I like the way they all seem to know everything about the others. I like the way they flop into a tired pile of Hobbit every time they're given a rest. I like the way they're small. I guess I just like them.

On the other hand, I can't stand the elf. "You owe him you allegiance," indeed! I owe no man my allegiance! And he keeps giving me this 'You're-in-love-with-Aragorn-look'.

I shoot elf-boy my evillest, most manly, most intimidating glare. The elf just smiles. "Told Aragorn you're in love with him yet?"

Bugger.

Merry, Pippin, Sam and Gimli all stare at me with shock plastered across their faces. Frodo just nods his head and looks very worldly.  

"Is it true, Boromir?" asks Pippin slowly, looking decidedly confused.

Say no! No! No! NO! "Yes," I say.

"What's true?" asks Aragorn appearing out of the middle of nowhere. Even the elf jumps. Bloody rangers, always sneaking about.

The elf smirks. "He's in love with-"

"ARWEN!" I cry.

Merry, Pippin and Sam look bewildered. Gimli stalks off murmuring something about men, elves and threesomes. Frodo has grown bored and is staring at his ring.

And all the time Aragorn just looks at me as if he's trying to see to the bottom of my very soul. And all I can think about is how beautiful his hands are. Really, they have to be seen to be believed. Long, slender fingers, nails bitten to a manageable length, soft palms perfect for a gentle touch…

No! I'm a warrior! A steward of Gondor! And stewards of Gondor do not fall in love. Especially not with other men's hands!

"You're in love with my fiancé? The elf maiden I'm betrothed to?" asks Aragorn.

No! No! NO! I nod my head. Aragorn turns away from me as though disgusted. His shoulders are shaking.

The elf gives me an evil grin. "Aragorn, I don't think-"

In less than a second I've pounced on Legolas, wrestled him to the ground, got him in a headlock and mimed pulling out his hair. And they tell me that elves have quick reactions.

What have I got myself into? "Aragorn, I'm sorry. I'm in love with Lady Arwen," I lie.

Aragorn turns around and I see the tears of mirth rolling down his face. "That's funny because I was sure you said 'yes' when Pippin asked if you were in love with me!"

He knows. "I…urgh…erm…well…"   

The rest of the hobbits also seem to have grown bored. They're currently sat round a campfire toasting lembas bread on sticks. Except for Frodo who is talking to his ring. And in my shock, I release elf-boy from the headlock and he climbs up a nearby tree before I can get my hands on his precious hair.

Aragorn gives me a seductive look. "Why don't you show me how in love you are?" he purrs. "Now that we've got some privacy…"

Is he flirting?

"…Why don't you kiss me?"

I shake my head hopelessly. "But Men of Gondor do not kiss other-"

I don't finish the sentence because his lips are covering mine and those beautiful, Oh-so-beautiful, hands are entangled in my hair.

It appears that men of Gondor do fall in love with other men.