Title: Alienation
Author: Corvidae333
Disclaimer: Blah blah blah, it's not mine.
Summary: Set towards the beginning of Prince Caspian. At nine years old, Lucy begins to recall thoughts, feelings, and actions from when she was in her twenties and reigning Queen in Narnia.
As the Pevensie children spent more time in the Narnia of King Miraz and the rebel, his nephew King Caspian, they found their old Narnian selves returning. Lucy was grateful for this in that many of the muscle-memories and knowledge had very practical and even vital uses; however, she began to experience something else that was rather odd. As she lay asleep one night several days after such memories and habits began to return to them, other memories that had been blocked from her mind after her return to England also began to show. As she tried to sleep, her mind wandered and suddenly she remembered…things that her adult, Narnian self had done…things that she did not know much about as a nine-year-old girl. She remembered falling in love. She remembered politics and suitors. The Midsummer Feast the fauns and dryads held. Intoxication. Breaking rules. She remembered sex. She remembered a mad, passionate affair. Tumnus. Suddenly Lucy felt very old. She felt like a twenty-year-old inside a nine-year-old's body. It was very odd, she thought, to be nine years old and have this knowledge. To have had such wonderful, exciting, and at the same time (to her nine-year-old mind) frightening things happen to her body and her heart, and yet know that such things had not actually happened to the body she was in now. But the love that filled her heart when she thought of Tumnus was so thrilling and beautiful to her that she despaired at the thought of losing it again.
When the throne was restored to Caspian and the children were brought back home, Lucy remembered a tiny purse she'd found in her pocket when they all had fallen out of the wardrobe. Finding it along with other Narnian odds and ends that had been with them upon their return underneath a floorboard, she thrust her hand inside and found what she'd been looking for: a silver locket hanging from a delicate silver chain. She gingerly opened it up and inside lay a small lock of hair. Faun hair. Tumnus hair.
As Lucy grew and became a teenager, she refused to forget. She kept the lock of faun hair always with her. It was Narnia. It was love. It was knowledge. It was faith. Her interest in the boys her age was shallow at best. She knew and understood too well that they could not give her what they themselves could not yet understand. As lively and cheerful as she always was, it was partially to cover the oddness she felt knowing the things she knew in what was to her such a young body, and partially a reflection of the cheer she felt at the thought that someday she would grow into her memories, someday she would love again, and someday she might see a Tumnus in her own world.