Disclaimer: Mean Girls is Tina Fey's. Alexander Hamilton is no one's, because he was a real historical person! Ha-ha!
Washington: We have a new soldier with us. He just moved here from Nevis.
Hercules (to Lafayette): Welcome!
Lafayette: I'm from France.
Hercules: Great.
Hamilton (VO): I'm sixteen, and until today, I was a trading clerk. And then it was goodbye Caribbean, and hello American revolution.
Hamilton (to Laurens & Hercules): Hi, I'm Alex.
Laurens: I'm John Laurens. This is Hercules Mulligan.
Hercules (pushing through a crowd to make way for Hamilton): Watch out, new meat coming through! Get it? Meat? Ham - never mind.
Laurens: This map shows the government's central nervous system. Congress. You got the Federalists, war vets, old money, the greatest people you will ever meet, and the worst.
Burr: So you've never been to a real convention before? Shut up. Shut up!
Hamilton: I didn't say anything.
Laurens: Democratic-republicans.
Hamilton: Who are the Democratic Republicans?
Hercules: The new American royalty.
Laurens: James Madison. He is one of the dumbest guys you will ever meet.
Madison (to Hamilton): If you're from the West Indies, why are you white?
Jefferson: Oh my God, James, you can't just ask people why they're white.
Laurens: Thomas Jefferson.
Hercules: He has a plantation and hundreds of slaves.
Laurens: And evil takes a human form in Aaron Burr. He knows everything about everyone.
Hercules: That's why his notebook is so big, it's full of secrets.
Jefferson (to Hamilton): We want to invite you to have committee with us.
Hamilton (to Laurens & Hercules): Burr seems… nice.
Burr (sitting in a boat): Get in, loser, we're going dueling!
Hamilton: Your connections are amazing.
Burr: I know, right?
Hamilton (VO): Being with the Democratic-Republicans was like leaving the actual world and entering the political world.
Jefferson: Have you seen any bills that you think are good yet?
Hamilton: There's this bill to establish a national bank.
Jefferson: No!
Madison: No!
Jefferson: National banks are off-limits to democratic agrarian societies. That's just, like, the rules of republicanism!
Madison: Yeah, voting for a national bank is political suicide! You are so lucky you have us to guide you.
Maria (to Hamilton, leaning in for a kiss): You're so hot.
Hamilton (looking at pages of Reynolds Pamphlet strewn on floor): Why would she do that?!
Eliza: She's a life ruiner.
Hamilton (VO): I knew how this would be settled on the battlefield. But this was politics. All the fighting had to be sneaky.
Burr: I want to gain three Senate seats.
Hamilton: Just talk less and smile more, don't let them know what you're against or what you're for.
Madison (to Burr): You don't have the votes.
Burr: But I talked to everyone!
Madison: You could try England.
Jefferson (to Burr): How come you never express any opinions?
Burr: What?!
Jefferson: That's why no one is voting for you.
(Burr screams in rage)
Washington: Who does he think he is? I like invented him!
(delegates are lined up on congress floor waiting to read out apologies)
Madison: I'm sorry I called you a Tory pig.
Jefferson: I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me. But I can't help it that I'm a rich genius.
(Jefferson lets himself fall and lands on top of Madison)
Washington: Walk it off, walk it off.
MEAN FOUNDERS
Hamilton (to Laurens): You know who's looking fine tonight? Angelica Schuyler.
Laurens: She's your sister-in-law.
Hamilton: What? She's a good debater.
A/N: I know that the historical Madison was super smart, but I couldn't think of anyone else to take the Karen Smith role, so just go with it. I apologize if this has been done before.