A/N: WOW. I haven't talked to you guys in a long time! Ah….I know, I should be updating Truth or Dare, but I just don't have that much motivation for it right now. But I can guarantee you that some of the next chapter is written. Here's a late X-Mas/Hanukkah/ New Years present for you.
Oh, and this is not meant to be hurtful in anyway. I'm just poking fun at everything. If it's hurtful…I'm sorry you can't take a joke haha. Nah, just kidding. But seriously. This is probably the worst thing I've ever written: but I must say, writing bad and completely useless stuff is actually pretty fun. Don't worry: I'm never doing anything like this again.
Gordie Lachance patiently sat on the couch, scribbling inside his pink, fluffy heart-shaped notebook. He occasionally sighed, glancing at the clock hanging on the wall. He was ready to get this over with.
Vern, on the other hand, was creating so much noise the other movie fandom relaxation rooms thought they would explode. He continually banged his head against the food machine: stocked with cherry flavored Pez. But not even one package of Pez managed to release itself from the vice grip of the black pincer and fall to the bottom of the machine so he could retrieve it. Damnit.
Suddenly, a gong, the fandom's choice of an alarm, signaled the arrival of fellow characters, or at least one of them. This meant that they were either no longer needed in a story or the story was completed.
Teddy Duchamp pushed open the swinging doors furiously and collapsed on the couch next to Gordie. Gordie did not fail to notice that Teddy's caramel colored hair was covered in blood, which dripped down his face.
"Hey Teddy," Vern greeted, "You've got a big dark spot on your shirt."
Teddy barely glanced down at the same green shirt he always wore and glared at Vern. "It's blood, you twit."
"Another suicide fic, I presume?" Gordie inquired without looking up from his notebook.
Teddy pushed himself into a standing position and made his way over to the water fountain next to the food machine. He dunked his head into the rush of water.
"Of course! These fuckin' teeny boppers….what the hell makes them think I'm suicidal? Look at me: I'm a gorgeous hunk of stud muffin!" Teddy exclaimed, shaking his head to get rid of the water in his hair.
"MUFFIN?" Vern questioned, sniffing the air, "WHERE?"
"YOU SEE?!" Teddy cried, pointing at Vern, "Exhibit B: those crazy-assed teens make Vern freak out at the smallest food reference! Jesus Christ…"
"He's doing that on his own time," Gordie remarked, "We're not being used in stories right now. Why do you think I'm writing in this?"
Gordie held up his pink, fluffy, heart-shaped notebook. Vern snickered and Teddy cackled.
"Shut up," Gordie told them moodily.
"Ah, I love it when the 'Gordie's gay and in love with Chris' fic comes around," Teddy announced.
"I don't. I'm not gay, for crying out loud! Yeah, ok, I have a friendly relationship with a guy and I write. Big. Fucking. Deal," Gordie whined, launching the book in Teddy and Vern's direction, "Besides, what's worse is that I don't even write this sappy love poem in the story: I have to do this on my own time!"
"Yeah, but at least you've got a lot of time," Vern pointed out, "Teddy, where's the muffin? Seriously?"
"Unlike someone we know who happens to get laid in every story he's in," Teddy snarled.
"Which is basically every story in the Stand by Me fandom," Gordie muttered bitterly, "I haven't seen him in a long time….he never gets any time off…."
"Gay," Teddy immediately pegged.
"I'M GETTING IN THE MOOD, ALRIGHT?" Gordie snapped, "Besides, once Chris gets back and his ten minute break is up, we have to go in and start the story."
As if on cue, the gong…gonged, and in trudged Chris, looking flustered and frustrated, followed by a pack of rabid girls of all shapes, sizes, races, nationalities, religions, and beliefs.
"Hey guys," Chris greeted tiredly.
The girls immediately squealed, sounding like a group of sick pigs.
"AHHH! THE ALL POWERFUL OCEAN-COLORED EYED BOY SPOKE!" one exclaimed.
They all swooned and the ones in front fainted, causing the ones behind them to fall and faint, and then the ones behind them, and so on and so on. The four boys watched on for five minutes as the domino effect finally stopped. They sighed gratefully, but soon enough, all of the girls were back on their feet.
"DID YOU HEAR HIM? THE MYSTIFYING, SEXY, SENSITIVE BLONDE SIGHED!" another girl cried.
They all swooned again, and before they could faint, Chris stormed towards them, pushing them towards the door.
"GET OUT OF HERE, YOU PACK OF CRAZY ANIMALS! DID YOU HEAR ME? GET OUT! YOU BELONG IN THE OC RELAXATION ROOM! GO THERE! THE ALMIGHTY GOD OF HOTNESS HAS SPOKEN!" Chris shouted.
Once he managed to get all of the girls out of the room, he locked the swinging doors. He took a few deep breaths and sat on the couch next to Gordie.
"I hate my life," Chris murmured, burying his face in a pillow.
"Ah, ah, ah, Chrissy bear! Your emo cutter fic doesn't start until tomorrow!" Gordie informed him, petting his friend's hair.
"DAMNIT!" Chris exclaimed, but then looked up into Gordie's doe brown eyes which sparkled intensely, "Oh…oh no. Oh no, Gordie. Please don't tell me we have a gay one coming up next!"
"Afraid so, Chrissy Wissy," Gordie cooed, snuggling closer to Chris.
"I'm all for gay rights, but I really loathe it when you get into the mood ten minutes before a fic," Chris told him, pulling away from him slowly, "I mean it."
"Where did all of those girls come from, Chris?" Vern asked, five minutes in delay.
"Let me guess," Teddy ventured sarcastically, "All of those girls were your lovers: but only the ones who had moved to Castle Rock, right?"
"Yeah," Chris admitted, "That's not a good phrase to use sarcasm in. You're right."
Teddy sent his friend a death glare. "Why do you get all the girls, Chambers? What's so special about you?"
"He's sensitive, sweet, caring, confident, strong, brave, intelligent…." Gordie trailed off, gazing at Chris lovingly.
"Plus I'm played by the hottest guy anyways," Chris remarked, "Everyone's attracted to that hot piece of ass. Boys, girls. They all keep comin' 'round for it, baby."
"Oh yes they do," Gordie agreed, pinching Chris' ass.
"No," Chris stated and moved away.
"You know that the guy who plays you OD's on a speedball and dies at twenty three, right?" Teddy snarled, "Plus, your guy was a hippie freak who was molested by a cult and probably had sex with the entire Gainesville, Florida community."
"Hey, at least my guy is loved! Your guy is a complete and total washed up child actor who starred on The Surreal Life!" Chris barked angrily, "And your partner tried to sell his teeth on EBay!"
"The guy who plays me is a computer and book nerd. He was on Star Trek: The Next Generation," Gordie commented.
"Uh…." Vern trailed off, "I think my guy's known for being sexy and taking John Stamos' ex-wife."
"Yep," the other three agreed.
"AH, QUICK, DUCK!" Teddy shouted, pushing Chris to the ground, Gordie and Vern following suit.
They heard noises outside, sounding like combat boots hitting the floor in perfect synch. But soon enough, they disappeared.
"Aha," Gordie said knowingly, "The 'Stand by Me' girls!"
"The ones who join in on our trip to Ray Brower," Vern informed, standing up.
Chris turned to Teddy. "You…you saved me!"
Teddy grinned. "Sure did. All of them want your ass too."
Chris hugged him. As soon as he did, the gong went off.
"Gay," a smooth, cool voice floated through the air
"Haha….gay boys! That's funny. But they're GIRLS!" a not so smooth, not so cool voice sliced through the air.
"Grr," Gordie replied, glaring at Ace and Eyeball, "What is wrong with being GAY, for Christ's Sake?"
"I don't know….we're gay all the time!" Eyeball answered, nudging Ace, "Remember that fic where I was a girl? Do you remember that? Do you? That was cool. I had a vagina. Do you remember that?"
Ace tossed his bleached blonde hair and pushed Eyeball away. "Leave me alone, cretin."
"Hey Ace, guess what?" Chris started.
"What faggot?" Ace asked.
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH BEING GAY?" Gordie cried.
"The statistics are in!" Chris grinned, holding up a white envelope.
Teddy scrambled and managed to grab the envelope.
"SUCCESS!" Teddy exclaimed, ripping the envelope open and then scanning the results, "…..Not success."
He growled, "Vern's gotten the least amount of hits. Then Eyeball, then Gordie, then me, then Ace, then Chris," he turned towards the latter, "YOU GET THE MOST NUMBER OF STORIES AND GIRLS AGAIN, DAMN YOU!"
"Hey, at least I rape girls!" Ace smirked, crossing his arms.
Everyone stared.
"What?"
"Um. You know that raping is against the law?" Vern asked.
"So?"
"You go to jail for that stuff, pal," Teddy told him frankly.
"So?"
"No booze," Gordie supplied.
"No girls," Chris added.
"No me laughing like this: HEHEHAHAHEH!" Eyeball laughed.
"Damnit," Ace remarked, "Ah, oh well. At least I rape girls."
"Dude, you be screwed up in yo' head, foo," Teddy informed, crossing his arms.
"Why are you talking like that?" Chris asked.
"Cuz dat's how dem sex kitten teenies make me jive in ma next fic, ya heard?"
"Nah, shit, now I be talkin' like dat…thanks fo nuthin', cracka!"
"Bro, you'z can't be goin' 'round sayin' 'cracka'! You be a white boy, foo!" Gordie exclaimed.
"R u high?" Ace inquired, "Cuz I be want'n some goods, bra."
"Nah, I just be a skinnay white boy, ya heard?"
"A skinnay gay white boy," Eyeball corrected, "I be feel'n funnie.
"OMGZ!" Vern exclaimed, "U R teh 1 hoo is (insert up arrow here because it won't let you use that symbol)!"
"Who says 'insert up arrow here because it won't let you use that sumbol' to display that they are high anyway?" Tupper Babe asked, tapping her foot.
"Dun o," Eyeball responded.
"You'z be teh sex!" Teddy purred, looking Tupper babe up and down.
"What? I can't understand you. Do you speak British?"
"Tis is bo-rang," Ace remarked
"All so da aww-thor is tie-erd neways," Gordie added.
"So from all of us in the Stand by Me Relaxation Room, we say goodnight!" Vern stated.
"Go both-her peeps in dem oth-her re-lax-aee-shon rooms, like dem freaks who think they're special because they can perform magic tricks from Harry Potter!" Eyeball ordered.
"Or those gay AIDS-infested strippers, rockstars, filmmakers, lawyers, philosophers, drag queens, and performance artists from RENT!" Chris exclaimed.
"Gordie would fit in there!"
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING GAY?!"