AN: Hawak Kamay (pronounced hahh-wahhk kahh-migh) translates into Hold Your Hand. It's a Filipino song that I just recently discovered and fell in love with and soon became inspired. I translated (loosely and used my interpretation) the lyrics and used them later on in the story. italics symbolize flashbacks.

Hawak Kamay

She played the same melody over and over again, hoping that if she played it long enough the lyrics would somehow find her, and she could finally record this song. It was the strangest thing, really. She had been in the middle of recording a song and suddenly this melody came to her. No matter how hard she tried to fight it, no matter how hard she tried to push it out of her head and wait until later, it didn't want to leave. It got to the point where she couldn't record anything because she was so distracted by it.

Her fingers grazed over the strings of her guitar, the same chord progression played for the fifteenth time, as she let out an exasperated sigh. G-Em-C-D. G-Em-C-D. It was all she had so far and she had been at this for the past two hours.

"Jude."

The voice from the intercom broke her from her thoughts and she looked up at the glass in front of her.

"You've been playing that over and over, are you sure you don't want to finish recording the song from earlier?"

She shook her head slowly as she continued to strum out the chords. G-Em-C-D. G-Em-C-D. There really was no explanation as to why she was so adamant about finishing this song, but that didn't matter to her.

Pausing for a few moments, she started strumming again. "When you start to feel your world start to fall beneath your feet…"

The man behind the glass stopped what he was saying and listened to the girl in front of him.

With her eyes closed, she continued, "And all your problems are killing you," Dropping her hand she pursed her lips together and shook her head.

"Look, Jude, I understand that when inspiration hits, it hits; but we're on a deadline here," he said as he pointed to his watch.

"I know," she said softly. Finally, she stopped strumming and set her guitar on the floor next to her. She ran a hand through her blonde, messy hair and tucked it behind her ears. "It's just that I haven't been able to write anything in so long, you know?" she said as her voice cracked slightly. Clearing her throat she gave him a weak smile.

"Girl," he started but as soon as he said it, he instantly wished he hadn't.

She held up a hand to stop him from speaking. "Kwest," she whispered as she watched him get up from behind the soundboard and make his way into the recording booth. He wrapped his arms around her and she finally let out the tears she had been holding back. His hand roamed up and down her back as her sobs shook her, causing her to hyperventilate slightly.

"I'm sorry," he whispered as he rubbed small circles on her back.

Nodding her head against his chest, she clung on tightly to him, hoping that maybe the last year would be erased and none of it had actually happened. When she finally calmed down she looked up at him, her tears slightly blurring her vision, and said, "I think I'm going home early today."

He placed a light, chaste kiss on her forehead and let her go, his heart heavy for her.

She pushed her front door open and walked into her dark apartment. A flash of lightning lit the sky outside and was quickly followed by a loud clap of thunder. She dropped her keys on the console next to the door and trudged to her bedroom.

A year ago today, she was doing the exact same thing. Walking to her bedroom in the dark, pealing off her wet clothes, slipping on his, and pulling out her phone to call him. Only this time, there would be no calling. He was gone, he wasn't coming back, and it was because of her.

Another clap of thunder from outside brought back all the memories of that night.

"Darius hated it," she mumbled into her phone as she lay on her bed. "He's gonna drop me."

She heard him chuckle softly on the other end of the line and he said, "It'll be fine."

"Can you come over tonight? I know you're busy mixing," she said, her voice trailing off.

He hesitated slightly before letting out a small sigh. "Jude, it'll be late. I can just come over first thing tomorrow morning," he started.

"I need you," she said softly, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes.

"I'll be there as soon as I can," he said quietly. "I love you."

"You too," she said before hanging up.

That was the last time she ever spoke to him. Because she was too selfish, because she wanted to feel better about herself, she killed him. In his desperate attempt to get to her place at a descent time, he had gotten into an accident.

It was late, it was raining, and he didn't see the other car in time. In an effort to try and avoiding hitting the car that had blown the red light, he swerved and lost control, his car hitting a tree.

She even called his phone a few times when he wasn't there by midnight, leaving a very angry voicemail on her last call. And when her phone finally rang an hour later, she picked it up without looking at who was calling and angrily started cursing. But her cursing soon stopped when the voice on the other wasn't Tommy's but rather a police officer. The rest of that night was a blur for her.

Hastily, she wiped at her tears and finally managed to finish dressing. She pulled on one of Tommy's old sweatshirts and pulled it tight against her, imagining that it was him she was feeling and not his old clothes.

She reached into the closet and pulled up a worn out brown box from the top shelf. Settling her self on the floor with the box, she opened it carefully and stared at its contents. It had been a year since she looked at anything in it, and she had almost forgotten what was inside.

Reaching into the box, she pulled out a picture of the two of them from her release party. In the picture she held a CD in one hand as the other wrapped around his neck. Both his arms wrapped around her waist and his cheek pressed against hers as he whispered something in her ear.

A stray tear fell on the picture and it was enough to bring back that night.

They had been arguing ever since they got back to her place and no matter what he said or did, nothing seemed to calm her down. She had put herself on the line and told him she loved him and his initial reaction was a thank you.

"Thank you? Thank you!?" She paced the floor of her bedroom, her face growing redder by the second. "Who the hell says thank you for saying I love you?"

He reached out for her, trying to calm her down. "Jude, I'm sorry," he said as he moved toward her. "I was just caught off guard," he said quietly.

She stopped her pacing and stared at him. "Tell me you can't live without me," she said hysterically, her chest rising and falling rapidly. "TELL ME!"

He watched her intently, choosing his next words carefully. "I can live without you," he said calmly. He watched as her eyes grew wide with disbelief as she took a few steps toward him. "But I don't want to." He cradled her face in his hands and brought his lips down to hers.

She held the picture close to her, the pain of losing him growing stronger. It had been a year since his death and she thought she was finally healed, finally ready to move on, but after today's session with Kwest, it was clear that she wasn't.

Carefully, she placed the photograph on the floor next to the box. She stared at the box for a few moments, contemplating on whether or not she should continue to pull out items. She felt as if she was opening Pandora's box, afraid that she continued, she would be faced with realities she wasn't quite ready to deal with.

Inhaling a shaky breath, she reached in and grabbed the first thing she felt. The metal was cool against her hand as she wrapped her hand around it. Even in the dark of the room, it still managed to shine and instantly memories of Tommy's 27th birthday came flooding back.

"Happy birthday," she said as she pulled the box from behind her back.

He glanced down at the black leather Emporio Armani box and shook his head slightly. "You really didn't have to get me anything," he said as he pulled her close to him.

"I know," she said as she pressed her lips against his. "But I wanted to," she said with a smile.

Throwing her a smile, he opened the box to find a silver stainless steel watch with modern Roman numeral hour markers – almost identical to one his father wore. "It's just like my father's," he whispered as he pulled it out.

"I know it's not exactly the same," she said as she took the box from his hands and placed it on the table. "But it's pretty close. I took that picture of you and your dad to almost every store looking for a watch similar to his."

She took the watch from his hands and slipped it onto his wrist. The snap of the metal band echoed throughout the room and he ran his fingers over the face of the watch. "Thank you," he said as he wrapped his arms around her.

She slipped the watch onto her own wrist and watched as the second hand moved reminding her that each second passed was one spent without him. As she continued to stare at the watch, she could have sworn she still felt his touch, still felt his hand within hers.

"I'll never let you go," he said as he grabbed onto her hand and brought it up to his lips. He placed a gentle kiss on her knuckles and smiled up at her.

She rolled her eyes and punched him lightly in the arm and said, "Oh stop being so dramatic."

"I'm serious," he said with a smile as he stressed his words. "I'll always be here, holding your hand."

A few more tears fell down her cheeks and she used the hem of her sleeve to wipe them away. He wasn't here, he was gone and she would never see him again. Picking up the picture, she looked at it once more as she traced over Tommy's image with the tip of her finger.

Sniffling lightly, she willed herself to stop feeling sorry for herself. She opened the box and as she went to place the picture back inside, the cover of her old red leather journal caught her eye. It was the one Tommy had given after wrapping her second album, and it was filled with unfinished songs and mindless ramblings.

She hadn't looked in it since Tommy had taken it from her, saying that he had to do something with it. When she began to protest, he promptly pulled out a new one, telling her that she needed a new one anyway. She never did get to find out what he wanted to do with her old journal.

She flipped through it, reminiscing about old songs and smiling to herself as she read over her old lyrics. When she finally reached the end, she noticed the last page was filled with words and handwriting that wasn't hers.

Her eyes scanned the page and she suddenly realized that it was Tommy's handwriting on the page. As she read over the words, her eyes caught a phrase in particular.


"When you start to feel
Your world start to fall beneath your feet
And all your problems are killing you."

Her breath hitched in her throat as her hand covered her mouth in shock. These were the same exact words she was singing earlier, the same words that didn't want to leave her.

"Oh, Tommy," she said breathlessly as she read the title. 'I'll Hold Your Hand.'

The tears once again came back in full force and she didn't try to fight them this time. She started from the beginning and read each line carefully, memorizing each word.

"Once your problems get to be too much for you to handle
Once it gets too hard for you and you say "I can't do it anymore"
Just look up at the sky
And don't let your struggle take over.
It's not impossible to call on me.
You'll know that no matter what"

The melody from earlier found her again and before she knew it her humming turned into quiet singing, with Tommy's words as the lyrics.

"I'll hold your hand
You'll never be alone on this journey
Even though this world holds no guarantees
I'll hold your hand
I'll never let you go
Even when the world ends"

A sob escaped from her, making her choke on her words. She laid the book in her lap, allowing herself to take in a few deep breaths. It was almost too much for her to take; the song made it feel as if he was right there with her.

Wiping her face free of her tears, she picked up her journal and continued.

"When you start to feel
Your world start to fall beneath your feet
And all your problems are killing you
Just look up at the sky
And don't let your struggle take over
It's not impossible to call on me
You'll know that no matter what"

Every time he told he would always be by her side, every time he said he would never leave her, he meant it and this was his way of telling her. This was his way of showing her that he was still here.

"Don't say that you're alone
Always know there's someone with you
I'm here, I'm here"

A single tear fell on the page below her and it smeared the end of the last line slightly.

"Until the end of the world
I'll hold your hand"

She picked up the picture and placed it on top of the page of lyrics. Shutting the journal, she ran her hand across the cover, smiling to herself. She placed the journal back inside the box and the box back inside the closet.

Making her way over to her nightstand, she slipped Tommy's watch off her wrist and laid it down. As soon as she closed her eyes, Tommy's image came to mind and she instantly felt at peace. She wasn't anywhere near ready to move on, but she was comforted in the fact that she knew he would never really leave her; that he would always be right here with her.