Mike walked into the lair and had a seat on the couch in front of the TV.
"Hmmm..I hope there's something good to watch." He started flicking through the channels but something didn't seem right here. Something creeped up from behind in the shadows of the den. It creeped up right behind Mike and touched his shoulder.
"What do you want?"
"Your sssssoul!" There was a seven foot snake like creature standing behind him. His tongue flickered in and out and eerily touched the top of Mike's head. He had huge fangs with blood dripping down from them. With one swipe he bit off Mike's hand.
"Ack!!" Mike grabbed his chest then breathed a sigh of relief.
"Don't scare me like that Fred and go home." Fred sniffles.
"I ssssssorry."
Fred sadly slithered off, chewing on Mike's hand.
"Man, I didn't mean to hurt the poor lil guy's feelings." Mike said to himself. He got up to go to the kitchen to make a sandwich.
He opened the fridge and thousands of black widows began flooding out. Mike jumped back a few feet.
"Jeez, lil guys you made me jump a little. Take all the food you need." Mike looked in the fridge and laughed.
"Looks like no sandwich for me. It was just as well, because what I really wanted was a pizza. I think I'll order some since our friends decided to eat lunch here today."
As Mike walked back to the living room, he noticed something very disturbing. Mike started hyperventilating. He rubbed his eyes to make sure that he wasn't hallucinating.
"There's...there's..a pineapple sitting on the coffee table! The pineapple began to vibrate."
"Mike wake up. Heh..having a bad dream?" Raph said as he was shaking him.
"Why??" Mike started yelling out in horror. "Why was there a pineapple on the table?"
Leo walks in. "It's okay Mike. There's no pineapple on the table. Everything will be okay."
"And I suppose someone left popcorn in the fridge too." Raph said jokingly.
"That would've been worse. Please tell me there isn't popcorn in the fridge either?" Mike started hyperventilating again.
"Nah..no popcorn Mike. Calm down..jeez." Mike breathed a sigh of relief as he got up.
"Master Splinter wants us in the practice room now so let's go Mike." Leo said.
"Okay..okay I'm coming." Mike glanced at the table before following Raph and Leo.
Don and Splinter were already there waiting for them.
"I am glad that now all of my students are here. Today, I will teach you a new move that is a long tradition of the foot clan. It is called the Monkey Dance. First you start by chittering and scratching yourself. Then, grab onto something and start swinging around. You should always carry a banana along with you everywhere just for such an occasion. You will then pull out a banana and eat it because monkeys like to eat the nanas. This will freak out your opponent and make them think that you escaped from a mental institute. Then jump on top of the distracted opponent. I want each of you to practice this move ten times."
After practice was done, the turtles went their various ways while Leo stayed in the practice room. Raph and Mike went to watch TV while Don went to work in his lab. Splinter was in the kitchen getting something to eat.
Splinter opened the cabinet and looked inside for a certain favorite snack. He pulled out a box and reached into it but found only a few pieces left and crumbs.
"Michaelangelo please come in here right NOW!" Michaelangelo ran into the kitchen afraid of what he was in trouble for this time.
"Yes, Master Splinter?" Mike said nervously. Splinter held up the box.
"Did you eat my Cheez-its? Mike gulped.
"Ummm..well..ummm..yes I did." Splinter gave him a stern look.
"Where's my Cheez-its? I want my Cheez-its. Why do people always try to take you away from me?" Splinter said shaking the box. Splinter then started to freak out more.
"CHEEZ-ITS!!! I WANT MY CHEEZ-ITS!!" he said as he shook Mike. Splinter then poured out all of the contents on his face as he bit the air and ate whatever crumbs fell into his mouth. Then he grabbed Mike by the arm really hard.
"CHEEZ-ITS!!! They don't deserve to be in your stomach. You hear me turtle? CHEEZ-ITS!!!!" He quickly let go of Mike and went over to the cabinet. He let out a long high pitched squeak as he began scratching the cabinet. Mike just stood there, shocked at the scene before him. By now, Don, Leo and Raph had heard all of the noise and were standing in the doorway of the kitchen. Splinter took off his kimono and pulling on the hairs on his chest. Raph and Leo came up to Splinter and grabbed him. Splinter turned around and started chewing on Raph's arm.
"Ow!! Bad rat!!" Raph said.
Don gave him a shot to calm him down. Splinter twitched as he finally stopped gnawing on Raph's arm. They carefully put Splinter's clothes on. Don offered some comforting words.
"It's okay Master, don't worry. We'll get you some more." He said as he petted Splinter's head.
"Okay, here's the plan guys. I'll stay here with Splinter while you guys go to the store and get some groceries including the cheez-its" said Leo.
It's a good thing that today is half price day at the Piggly Wiggly!" Mike said excitedly.
And so Don, Mike, and Raph decided to journey out to the Piggly Wiggly. Who knows what dangers they will encounter. Well keep reading if you want to find out. Hey wait! Don't you even care? So a store isn't so exciting. All kinds of things can happen like forgetting your checkbook or finding a cracked egg. And what if the stamp machine breaks? All you want to do is hurt the cashier and the bust that damn machine open. Give me my damn greenback stamps!! Maybe Miss Piggy found out that her true love is Piggly Wiggly himself and that a pig in a grocer outfit is actually quite sexy. Awww...how sweet. Next thing you know, you'll read the paper that Piggly Wiggly was sold as bacon. Oh the horror! Anyway...
The turtles entered Piggly Wiggly with a shopping list ready at hand. This wasn't just any ordinary day, it was half price day! It was quite a special event. Even Piggly Wiggly himself was there in costume shaking hands with his young adoring fans. (nah-uh!! He's real! It's not a costume!)
"Ohhhh!! It's Piggly Wiggly!" Mike said excitedly as he pointed at the costumed pig. (grrrr...)
"We don't have time for this..stupid!" Raph said hitting Mike.
"Ow!" Mike hit Raph back. They continued back and forth with the hitting thing. Don walked ahead of them pretending he wasn't with them.
"Come on guys, quit fighting so we can get our shopping done and get Splinter his cheez-its." Don said. These words got Mike and Raph to finally stop for awhile. Well okay one second. Okay, okay half a second...JEEZ!
The turtles started on there journey collecting the items on their list.
"Hey! All of the store brands are half off while everything else is 25% so let's get all store brands." Don said.
"But...it's not cool to have all store brands." said Raph as if store brand did something to his manhood.
"Besides Donnie, store brand isn't as good. It's just not the same." said Mike.
"It's the same thing except with a different box." Don said. Both Mike and Raph shake their heads. Then Mike sighed.
"Okay, how about we get store brands on things we don't care about and brand names on stuff that matters?"
"Okay guys, whatever." Don said not even caring anymore.
"Hey guys, I'll be right back. I gotta get something." Raph said as he walked off. Don and Mike gave each other confused looks.
"Ohhhhh...cereal!" Mike said. He raced down the aisle to grab his favorite and saw that there was only one box left. Just as he went to grab it, another hand reached for it. The hand belonged to a rather large woman.
"Hey!! That's my Cinnamon Toast Crunch!!" said the lady. Mike swore that he had grabbed it before her.
"Ummm..excuse me lady, but it was my cereal first." Mike said defendedly but innocently. She narrowed her eyes, keeping a grip on the box. She was determined to have her cereal. Mike continued to hold onto the box, knowing very well that it was his. The lady stepped on his toes.
"Ow..hey lady!! Fine have your cereal, if you're gonna get like that." He let go of the cereal and she gladly took it hugging it against her body before placing it in the cart. Mike walked away with a smile on his face. Don was standing near by looking at the ingredients and health facts on a box of Count Chocula. He looked up at Mike and was puzzled by the smile.
"How come you're happy even though that bitch took your Toast Crunch?"
"Well I noticed that it's past the sale date. It's probably been sitting there for a couple of months. I wish I could see the look on her face when she opens that box and finds out that it's all stale."
"I've seen you eat stale food and worst and yet you think stale cereal will bother her?"
"Well she seems to love it very much and would be able to notice any imperfections in it. Trust me Don, I know cereal people."
"Hmmm...okay if you say so. Is this cereal sugary enough for you?" Don held up the box of chocolate cereal.
"Yeah...I just love chocolate cereal, especially with marshmallows."
"I'm almost afraid to get this. Look at how much sugar there is in this." Don said as he held the box up at Mike. " If I take the number of grams of sugar per serving by how hyper you get from one gram, you would be....hmmm.." Don said mumbling to himself.
"I would be very hyper." Mike said excitedly as he grabbed the cereal and threw it into the cart.
Raph slammed a six pack into the cart and grinned.
"Is that what you left for? Beer?" Mike asked.
"Yeah..what's it to you?" Raph said staring at Mike.
"Ummm..Raph? How do you expect us to buy beer? First of all we're not 21 yet and second of all, we're turtles. We don't have photo ID." Don said.
"Awww...don't worry about it stick boy, I got it covered." He reached into his back pocket of his pants and pulled out a fake ID. He held it up to Don and Mike. Don and Mike glanced at each other then back at the ID and started laughing.
"What??" Raph asked.
"That picture looks nothing like you." Mike said as he continued to laugh.
"Look Raph I don't think they'll buy it, so you should just return the beer. We don't need the attention." Don said.
"Fine." Raph growled as he turned around.
"Hey! If you need us, you can find us in the pets' aisle. I gotta get some cat food for Klunk." Mike yelled.
"Buying stuff for your stupid cat, eh?" Raph commented as he left them behind.
"Hmmm..I should probably get some kitty litter too." Mike said.
Raph on the other hand was placing the beer back in the fridge when he got that not so fresh feeling. For some strange reason there was some weird energy trapped in the fridge. It had to do with how the fridges were connected all in a row. The planet, Venus, earth, and the moon were exactly aligned on this day. This caused a very rare phenomena to occur. Raph had switched personalities with the nonexistent Venus. (who???)
Back in Nonexistent Land (does it even exist?):
There is nothing but white space. The only creatures who inhabit this place are those misplaced souls. They were once people living ordinary lives but for various reasons, they were wished into nonexistence. Being nonexistent, they never died yet they do not exist. Their whole lives were erased and unacknowledged. They have memories of their lives and how they effected people. But that is all lost now. Nobody remembers them and have carried on with their lives without them.
Here is where a mutant turtle with boobs lives. Venus spent her days silently meditating and sadly thinking of her past life. She wanted so badly to come to peace with herself and accept her fate. Like Hell, this would last an eternity. A new feeling came over her. She could feel the testorone flowing through her veins even though there wasn't a drop of the hormone in her body. Her mind became clouded with anger. Instead of sitting around, she felt like hurting someone. She got up and began ripping apart at the whiteness that made up her world. She wanted to destroy everything. Blood began to pore down the white.
"Yes!... red, my favorite color!" She had a demented look on her face. Blood splashed on her face. She licked the blood off her lips, enjoying the taste.
Back in the grocery store...
Raph went towards the pets' aisle to catch up with Mike and Don. He couldn't help but to feel angry in a different way. It felt like he had PMS. He felt the worse pain he has ever felt in his life in his abdomen. He painfully made his way to the others.
"What would happen if I braided my bandana?" Raph thought to herself (herself??? I thought Raph was a he). He bumped into a shelf and found that his chest was feeling a little tender. He felt like crying.
"So what else do we need, Don?" Mike asked as he accidentally ran into a achy Raph who was quietly standing behind them.
"Umm..sorry, Raph." Mike said, expecting Raph to pound him but instead Raph just stood there almost bursting in tears. All he wanted to do right now was roll up into a little ball and lay in bed all day.
"We need to get some Milk and then Cheez-its." Don said as he looked at the list.
"Yes, my minions, there is plenty of cheese for everybody." the Rat King said to his rats. Rats flooded the dairy aisle.
"Mwhahahahaha!! I shall rule this aisle so we shall feast on cheese!" The turtles entered the aisle from behind and were surprised to see the scene before them. The rats were too busy nibbling on cheese to notice them.
"Ummm...how about we forget the milk?" Mike said. Don and Mike turned to Raph thinking that he would disagree and decide to fight.
"Good idea." Raph said as he turned away to Mike and Don's surprise.
The Rat King turned around after making his evil dialogue and laughter and spotted the turtles.
"So you dare challenge me and my rats over this aisle?"
"Ummm..actually, no." Don said.
"We wanted to get some milk but...oh well." Mike said.
"This is so strange. I thought you turtles were here to ruin my evil plans but instead you're just here shopping like everybody else." The Rat King scratched his head. "This is so weird..it's like seeing your teacher in the store. I can't see you being anything but the good guys. You're actually normal citizens. Well if you're not going to oppose me then be on your way. I must be evil towards you and say: THE MILK IS ALL MINE!!! MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"
The turtles turned around and moved on to the aisle of crackers to get Splinter's cheez-its. Mike grabbed a box and put it in the cart.
"Wait..guys...the store brand is much cheaper and we can buy more boxes of it." Don said as he examined the prices.
"But won't Splinter notice the difference?" Mike asked.
"They're all the same and we can get a larger supply for him." Don answered.
"Okay..if you say so Don. Are we done?" Mike asked.
"Yeah, that's it. Now we can check out and go home." Don said.
Later...
"THIS ISN'T CHEEZ-ITS!!! THEY PRETEND TO BE, BUT THEY'RE NOT!! THEY MUST DIE!" Splinter stuffed them into his mouth then puked them out onto the floor.
"WHY MUST YOU PLAY WITH MY MIND AND NOT LET ME HAVE MY CHEEZ-ITS!! YOU HAVE DISHONORED ME MY SONS." Splinter twitched and pulled a couple of whiskers out. He chewed on them for awhile as he ripped another box apart and pored the contents onto the floor over the puke. He pulled out some matches he had, hidden in his kimono. He lit the pile of mush and crackers.
Raph huddled in the corner not caring about what was going on. He was in too much pain. A tear rolled down his face.
The End!
(and nobody even seems to notice the fact that the turtles have
money. Where the hell do they get the cash to buy things? I
didn't know that being a hero, pays. Splinter must have been a porno
star. It really paid off but made Splints insane.)