AN- It's been a while... 2013 turned out to be a pretty traumatic year for me and I stopped writing. This is my first attempt at writing something new. Rest assured I will be completing 'Loose Lips' but I just need to slowly ease myself back into things.
The premise for this story was the season finale. While my hope for McSwarek was renewed, I felt absolutely miserable for Nick and Marlo. Loving someone who simply cannot love you back in the same way must be a painful thing.
Disclaimer: RB isn't mine.
Marvelous, Magnificent McNally.
"There's nothing more we can do McNally, except wait," Best says. "The hospital will call if anything changes. Go home. Get some rest."
That was six hours ago. After they had all left the hospital, Andy did go home, changed out of her uniform and went straight back to Sam's bedside.
But now Andy just needs a minute of fresh air to clear her head. She can feel the walls closing in on her as she steps outside and paces the length of the ambulance bay thinking about the doctors' earlier words. Sam was out of surgery but still in a serious condition. If he regained consciousness within the next twenty four hours then the outcome was positive.
There was nothing Andy could do now except wait. And hope.
They'd allowed her to stay with Sam, and she may have stretched the truth when she said they were 'together' but it got her what she needed. The chance to be with him and let him know that he was not alone.
Andy took several deep breaths and paced some more before she felt calm enough to go back inside.
Juggling a cup of coffee from the vending machine in one hand and a newspaper in the other, Andy makes her way quietly back into his dimly lit room. She's startled by the silhouette of a person standing by his bedside, staring down at Sam. Andy doesn't know why she's surprised but she is.
Marlo.
Andy tries, she really tries to keep the annoyance from showing on her face. After all Marlo is Sam's girlfriend. Was Sam's girlfriend. She doesn't quite know exactly what they are any more. All Andy knows are the feelings of jealously that is bubbling away in the pit of her stomach at Marlo's mere presence.
So Andy doesn't say a word as she places her items on the bedside cabinet. Pulling her chair closer to his bed, Andy sits down and holds Sam's hand.
Marlo stands on the opposite side of the bed, taking Sam's free hand into her own.
"I...I came as soon as I could," she said.
"Are you meant to be here?" Andy asked, sounding maybe a little too possessive.
"Are you?" Marlo bites back, her strong personality still present despite recent events.
Andy has nothing to say to that. Well she does actually but is focussing so hard on Marlo's hand that is caressing Sam's knuckles that all she can think is mine, mine, mine.
Andy watches Marlo closely then, realising this wasn't the same person from before. No longer the well groomed officer, Marlo now looks withered and still wearing day old clothes. Her hair is hanging loose which looks limp and oily. But she's still beautiful, and Andy can see why Sam or any other man for that matter would be drawn to her. But tonight Andy is sure Marlo would disagree with her analysis.
As if Marlo can feel Andy watching her and assessing her appearance, she rakes a shaky hand through her hair before looking at Andy.
"I know what you're thinking..." Marlo began, before returning her attention to Sam.
Andy knows Marlo is probably blaming herself for Sam's shooting. She gets that. She remembers how she felt thinking that somehow she had caused Sam to be made by Brennan. It wasn't a nice feeling.
"You don't need to explain anything to me," Andy says, as she sees Marlo struggle to formulate her words.
She wants to hate Marlo and it would be easy to blame her for everything, but deep down Andy holds her own portion of regret. If she had met Sam for a drink instead of going undercover then maybe they would have worked things out. Sam wouldn't have met Marlo and none of this would have happened. She wants to say this to Marlo, because deep down Andy can feel Marlo's anguish, as a range of emotions passes across her face.
"I love him," Marlo simply says, never taking her eyes off his face. "I want us to try and make a go of our relationship away from the job. I'll do whatever it takes to make things right again."
When Marlo finally looks at her, Andy trembles at the determination held in Marlo's brown eyes.
Marlo has made it clear that she wants Sam, but the problem is Andy wants him too.
Andy's heart beats loudly in her ears at Marlo's words. She looks down at Sam then and tries to keep her own voice even.
"I love him too. He's my story."
And just saying those words aloud relieved some of the pressure in her lungs.
So this is it, Andy thinks. This is what it has all come down to after so long liking one another and the events that followed. Her being tied up and almost killed in a lock-up, her and Sam finally surrendering to their feelings, Sam being tortured by Brennan, the suspension, making up then breaking up, her almost getting blown up by a bomb, and then Sam getting shot by Kevin Ford. This seems to be a running theme in their story. This game they play with death.
She doesn't want to play this game any more.
"We made each other happy..." Marlo began.
"But you're not who Sam thought you were."
"What, sane?" Marlo replies too loudly, and Andy cringes. "But Sam didn't leave me, really," Marlo continues hurriedly "He looked after me and made sure I was safe. So that has to count for something. It has to."
"Sam's that kind of guy," Andy said pointedly, causing Marlo's shoulders to droop slightly.
They both stare at him now.
"I would have told him eventually...about my condition... the medication. I just wanted to be sure you know?" Marlo speaks like she's talking to no one in particular, but Andy can't hide the flinch at her words.
"Look...I didn't mean to tell Sam..." Andy began.
"Really?" Marlo cuts her off. It's her tone that unnerves Andy. "It's just, you know," Marlo continues almost sarcastically, "telling Sam first makes you look good and me look bad."
"It wasn't like that. You were all over the place. I was worried."
"Sure, that was it. You were worried," she deadpans.
Marlo laughs quietly then, which somehow turns into tears. Andy finds her eyes filling up also but they do not fall.
They stay there for a few seconds in silence while Andy breathes deeply in and out several times.
Marlo finally breaks the silence.
"Were you two good together? Sam...he never spoke about your relationship. Ever."
The randomness of the question and her candidness got Andy's attention. Sam never really spoke to her about his and Marlo's relationship either unless she pressed.
"Yes," Andy said carefully. "We were good together. Great actually."
Marlo nods and sits down then clearly having no intention of moving for now and Andy does the same.
"I was just... I just felt so numb on the pills, and I just wanted to feel human again," she blurts. "And for a while I did…"
"You can't self-medicate Marlo, the doctors gave you those tablets for a reason."
Marlo shakes her head, as if not wanting to continue that line of conversation and Andy wonders if she has taken her pills today.
"Marvelous, Magnificent McNally..."
Andy's head shoots up at her quip.
"Everyone loves McNally," Marlo says in an exaggerated announcers voice.
For some unknown reason Andy feels herself turning red. She clenches her jaw knowing how hard this conversation is going to get and she's not even sure if they should be having it.
"Just let me have him." Marlo shifts in her chair so her body directly faces Andy before she continues her proposal. "Walk away and let me have Sam."
"Excuse me?"
"You've got every male officer at fifteen eating out of your hand."
Andy scoffs at the remark, but Marlo carries on. "The looks I got when I started dated Sam, all because of you. I may have bi-polar McNally, but that doesn't make me stupid."
Andy begins to protest but Marlo continues.
"I heard the whisperings in the locker room. Shaw showed his disapproval at the relationship and Nash, although she never vocalized it... well let's just say she looked at me like I was something she would scrape off the bottom of her shoe. All this was before I had even met you so I knew you had to be something pretty spectacular."
Marlo looks at her then. There's some sort of accusation in her tone that Andy can't quite decipher.
"Oh don't get me wrong, I'm not naïve. I know Sam still has feelings for you but they will fade and you have Collins now."
Nick.
Andy had barely thought about him the last several hours and she suddenly feels like a bitch for forgetting him so easily.
"Collins is in love with you McNally, you'd have to blind not to see that," Marlo says with certainty.
"But I don't love him in that way. I love Sam." Andy did not know how many ways she needed to say it for Marlo to understand that her feelings for Sam were very real.
Marlo shakes her head vigorously, unwilling to accept Andy's words.
"Love can grow, give Collins a chance."
"It's not gonna happen."
"It won't if you don't try."
Andy looks at her in disbelief and wants to ask her if she's crazy, but bites back the inappropriateness of that comment.
"Would you believe me if I told you that we were happy together?" Marlo closes her eyes, and by the soft expression on her face she is remembering the good times her and Sam had.
"For the first time in a long time, I met a good man. A man who understood me. Lavished me with affection but gave me the space I needed. I...I don't form relationships that easily."
She opens her eyes again and really looks at Andy.
"I don't have a lot going for me right now McNally, except for Sam. I don't know, I just hoped we could still make a go of it, but it's hard with you in the way being so... I don't know...marvelous and magnificent."
"Don't make fun of me," Andy warned.
"I'm not. Not really. It's a compliment I guess," she says softly.
Andy couldn't help but notice how Marlo's temperament keeps changing and rises to her feet to create a distance although she's more angered than threatened by Marlo's actions.
"Why do I feel behind that compliment I'm the bad guy here?" Andy is so offended by Marlo's words that she almost doesn't finish her sentence, but she feels Marlo deserves to hear it straight.
"I'm the bad person yet whose been here with him? Me not you. Why didn't you go in the ambulance with Sam today? Why did you just back away when he was bleeding in the floor, huh? People in love don't do that to each other."
Across from her Marlo stills, her fingers no longer caressing Sam's.
"Because it was my fault he got shot. My actions caused the person I cared about to be shot." Marlo's pain is evident.
Andy's filled with both anger and pity but she can't back down. Not now. Sam nearly died today and she still doesn't know if he will pull through.
"I'm sorry Marlo, I really am. I can't help the way I feel. If Sam wants to try again with me then I will grab it with both hands."
Marlo sighs this time and nods, and brings Sam's hand to her lips.
Andy expects Marlo to retaliate but there's nothing. She takes a seat once more suddenly exhausted from her outburst.
What's your favourite thing about Sam?"
They have been sitting in silence for the last ten minutes, and Andy's almost grateful for some dialogue. Her coffee's gone cold and her stomach grumbles with hunger.
"His eyes." Andy says honestly.
"Yeah, his eyes are nice but it's his smile. Gets me every time. When he..."
They are interrupted by a soft groan and movement. Andy looks to the bed and feels her eyes welling up with tears. "Sam," she whispers, touching his arm. He smiles softly and gazes up at her before squinting under the the harsh glare of the lamp above him. Andy stands, pushes the lamp away.
"Hey," is all she manages wiping her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt.
"Sam," Marlo interrupts their silent reunion, as she leans forward into his view.
His smile fades and looks at Marlo then, a little sad. "You shouldn't be here," he croaks.
"I was worried about you."
Marlo leans closer and brushes a hand across his cheek. "I'm sorry for everything," she says.
As Sam seems to relax into her touch, Marlo looks as if she's going to cry again and Andy suddenly feels very unsure of herself. She was so certain and confident just now and earlier in the back of the ambulance. She meant everything she said to Sam, but seeing Marlo there brings every insecurity she ever had about their floundering relationship flooding back.
"I should go," Andy says hesitantly, taking a step away from the bed, and tries to release her hold.
Sam holds her hand tightly, tugging her back.
"No, Andy. Stay." His voice is low and scratchy but determined.
She sits hesitantly down on the side of the bed. Sam doesn't release his grip.
"What about me Sam," Marlo presses. "Do you want me to stay too?"
And it's a loaded question.
Sam seems to think for a moment, and then shakes his head slowly, before his eyes begin to close.
Marlo lifts her head proudly, stands up and makes her way to leave.
"Tell Sam I'm sorry and I wish him well. Can you do that for me McNally?" Her voice is measured. Controlled.
"Sure, but..."
"It's okay. I get it," Marlo shrugs. "I could never be you," she adds and opens the door.
"Marlo..."
She stops but doesn't turn around and her shoulders are beginning to shake. Andy feels she needs to say something.
"...If you need anything, please call."
Marlo doesn't bother to reply, not that Andy was expecting one anyway.
Andy watches Marlo walk away, unsure how to feel. She doesn't know what the future holds for her and Sam, she just hopes they can figure it out together.
Tightening her grip on his hand she takes a seat in the chair and waits.
AN 2- I'm tempted to add a second chapter, but as of now this remains a one-shot.