Summary: There is a new guard between the dead and the Pearly Gates: Saint Peter Griffin. One-shot.

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Disclaimer: I don't own Family Guy. If I did I wouldn't be writing crappy fanfiction.

Saint Peter

Standing in front of large golden gate at his podium was the newly appointed guard, Saint Peter Griffin. A book, a golden phone, and two buttons were laid out before him. The blue and red buttons were respectively marked "Heaven" and "Hell".

The phone shook playing a harp chord sound for its ring-tone. Peter picked up the phone.

There was a relieved sigh from the other end and God said "Ok Peter, I need you to listen up for a minute. My usual guy just skipped out of work today, something about a family emergency. Fucking dick. I'm pretty sure he's just playing that video game, whatever the crap its name is, that came out today. So I'm going to need you to decide who gets into heaven. Just follow what's in the book and you can't fuck up. Thanks."

Click, the call dropped.

Mouth hanging down and eyes wide with shock, Peter put down the phone. "Wow. I didn't realize that game came out today."

Flinching, Peter covered his eyes as there was a flash of bright light. He peeked out from between his fingers and saw his family Brian, Chris, Lois, Meg, and Stewie standing in the clouds in front of him. They wobbled a bit as they looked around with wide confused eyes.

"Oh my god, are we dead?" said Meg as she clutched at her chest hoping to feel a heartbeat.

Lois snorted derisively. "Shut up Meg, this was probably your fault."

"I will not shut up, I had so much to live for!" Meg looked down sorrowfully and kicked at a cloud. "... No really, I at least wish this could have waited till next Tuesday. I just figured out where Connie D'Amico stores her chewed gum. I bet it tastes like popularity."

Peter hummed thoughtfully while touching his chin. "Theft huh, sounds like somebody did... ah... not good things and doing not good things means no heaven for you Meg."

"You can't do that, dad! I'm your little girl, remember?"

"Nah uh no can do, sorry Meg your going to hell." Peter punched the red button and a trap door with flames jutting out opened under his screaming daughter. "Next!"

In shock, Chris took a step back. "Holy crap, dad did you really have to do that!?"

Peter's eyes narrowed as he glared down at his son. "Are you questioning my methods?"

"Uh, yeah?" said Chris with a shrug.

"Wrong, answer." Peter poked the red button.

The trap door opened under Chris. "I always hated you anywa-"

Prowling forward, Lois came up to the podium. "Peter, just think of all the angel sex we can have."

Peter laughed and shook his head negatively. "Lois, I think you're confused. It's anal sex." He flipped open the book and then pointed down at one of the pages. "Anything kinkier than that and the book here says I gotta drop you straight to hell."

"For fuck's sake, you've got to be kidding me..." said Lois as she rolled her eyes in contempt.

Peter hit down the red button. "Nope, next!"

"Take that you vile woman! Finally, you don't know how long I've been waiting for somebody to do that," said Stewie clapping his hands as he bounced up and down on his heels.

Brain snickered. "You know, Stewie, I hear the brimstone lakes are lovely this time of year."

Stewie smiled at Brian and said "I know. Actually, I've already got a room reserved and everything. Maybe we could be roommates! It could be so much fun. We could spend the summers having spa days at the lava pits and spend the winters ice skating on the lake of frozen tears."

"Really?"

"No, of course not. How would that even be possible for one and furthermore I don't want to spend my afterlife having to listen to you prattle on about your trash-quality novels." Stewie spit on a cloud and rolled up his sleeves. "Alright Fat Man, you're going to let me through that gate or else."

Peter waved down at his son. "Hey there Stewie." His nose wrinkled as his face contorted with disgust. "Oh no, we have a dirty diaper here. I don't want to clean poop, to hell with that." He smashed his fist on the red button.

Flailing Stewie tried in vain to grab a hold of anything he could. "Damn you, you lazy son of a bi-wah!"

There was a soft chuckle from Brian. He wagged his tail, gave his widest smile, and looked up at Peter. "All dogs go to heaven, right? I mean you can't send man's best friend to hell can you?"

"Wrong!" said Peter as he slapped down the red button.

A harp chord played and the golden phone rattled in its holder. Peter brought the phone to his ear.

There was a bit of static over the line, but God's voice was clear as he said "Hey, Peter. It's just me, God, again. So anyway, I'm going to be swinging by the front gate to check on you soon and I've brought some beers as congratulations on your first day. I bet it was a bit rough given your family was slated to come in. Is that a trail by fire or what, am I right? So how went seeing them, did you let them in?"

"Nah."

God faked an awkward cough into the receiver. " ...Well ok then, guess we only have to split the beer two ways."

Peter placed the phone back in its holder.

"Sweet."