I don't own any of the characters. i'm just extending their life onto the page. No infingement is meant. They belong to their rightful owners and creators. I''m just playing with them for a while.
Enjoy.
Just like me.
The case is over, it's closed. It was all a set up, a plan laid out, just to get to Jane again. The lengths a psychopath will go too to get what he wants. It could have gone so wrong. But it didn't, they'd won. So why did she feel like this?
Maura closed the report, placing it in the out tray, ready to be filed away. She sagged, as if the action had taken the last bit of strength from her. Hands coming up to run over her face, trying to keep the tears away. It was hard, so hard to wrap her emotions back up into something she could handle. The relief she felt right now was making her hands tremble. She gave in, allowing her tears to fall, already reaching for a tissue to try and minimise the damage to her make up. Sniffling, as she walked to the chair in the corner, letting the weight she felt on her shoulders push her down to sit.
She sniffed again, wiping under her eyes, dabbing at the mascara she knew wasn't 100 percent waterproof no matter what the label said. It was impossible to guarantee such a thing. An involuntary sob escaped. She balled the tissue up into her fist. Sitting back, laying her neck along the back of chair. Focusing on breathing, on meditation. She just wanted it to go away this feeling, all these feelings. They were an assault on her senses, fear, pain, relief, anguish.
She stiffened... Hoyt, blasted into her mind. His face, his words. She sat up, fingers curling into the fabric of her skirt as she tried in vain to rid his voice from her thoughts.
''you are just like me.''
Her spine went ridged. Was she? Was he right? Jane had said no. Jane believed, believed in her. That she was never capable of anything Hoyt could do, was nothing like him. But Maura, Maura wasn't sure. So many similarities. Everything she'd told Jane had been the truth. But Jane hadn't heard, hadn't seen what Maura could see, know what she knew.
Her head bowed in defeat.
She was so like him, so much so it scared her. One choice, one different road in her life and she knew it wouldn't have taken much to be him. What would she have become in the interest of revenge? Losing her parents, a friend? Which part of her would be there then? The clinical unemotional one? The person she became when needed? The science, the armour, all of it. The person inside, that could very easily move past the importance of life. Break it down into atoms, and cells. Not see the humanity or the person who lived and breathed. The side of herself that had protected her, kept her safe from the taunts and darkness of the world, the loneliness.
She wiped at her eyes. Only Jane had showed her their was light, only Jane believed enough in her. But right now, Maura didn't believe in herself.
She shifted, hands going to her hair, running fingers through it. One burning emotion rising through, hate. She hated Hoyt, hated what he had done to Jane, did to Jane. But right now, she hated him because of this, making her question herself. Jane was right Hoyt played mind games. Maura couldn't help it, couldn't keep him out. He'd gotten to her and that only made her hate him more.
What would tip her over the edge? What was her Achilles heel... What would now make her into him? The answer came easily... Jane. If Hoyt had gotten to Jane, had hurt her, or worse...
She felt heat rush through her veins, heart rate tachycardia. Maura's head came up slowly, eyes blazing cold green. Her shoulders rising, breath calming, emotion dropping from her face. If he'd done that, then she knew, she would have found him and killed him, made him suffer, dissected him like a frog. See beneath the skin, the bones, find the source of his evil.
Her breath stuttered, face shifting emotions, stopping on shock. A hand going to her mouth, nearly gagging on the bile. ''oh god... I am just like him.''
''what the hell!''
Maura jumped, head turning so fast her vision spun. Watched as Jane entered, her face a mix of anger and pain. Maura could do nothing but stare as Jane came towards her fast, dropping to her knees in front of her.
''God damn it Maur... weren't you listening.''
Maura felt the tears start again, but could nothing to stop them. She tried to breath, feeling Jane take her hands. Dropping her gaze to them. Seeing those scars. A sound came out of her mouth, but she wasn't exactly sure what it was.
''God. Maura... don't let him do this, don't do this. He's gone okay, gone.''
Maura shook her head, trying to pull her hands free. But Jane s grip was tight on them. She felt the shake to them. Not looking up, she couldn't, couldn't meet Jane s eyes.
''look at me.''
Maura shook her head again. Desperately trying to rein in her emotions, she was falling, breaking apart.
''please, please Maur, look at me.''
Maura closed her eyes, sending more tears free. Jane's voice was broken, vowels lost in the wind. She was doing that, hurting Jane. Maura shook her head harder. She didn t deserve to look at Jane now. Didn't want to Jane to see the truth. She tried to pull away again, struggling.
''okay, okay. Calm down. Just don't... okay, don't fight me. You don't have to look at me, but, listen, okay, just listen.''
Maura stopped struggling. Hearing Jane exhale in relief. Felt Jane s thumbs rubbing circles on the back of her hand. Her eyes opened again, focusing on that, the touch, the warmth of it.
''Hoyt is a fucked up psychopath. Gets his jollies from doing just this, this Maura. He gets into heads. Shit, I should know that, he's fucked with mine for long enough.''
Maura kept her focus on their joined hands.
''don't let him make you doubt who you are Maura. Don't let him win like that...please.''
Maura sobbed. The escape of sound mingling with her exhale. ''I... you... you don't know.''
''I don't know what?''
Maura struggled for words. ''me... I could... me.'' she moved her fingers free from Jane s grip, tracing one over the scar. Feeling Jane tense, then relax.
''Maura. I know you... come on. If anyone knows you I do... I don't know how many times I have to say, but I ll keep saying it, until you get it. You. Are. Nothing. Like. Him.''
Maura stilled her finger on the top of the scar, eyes coming up slowly to meet Jane's. Her breath stuttering when she saw the emotion there. ''I could be, so very very easily.'' she watched as the emotions crossed Jane s face. Anger, compassion, love, the final one being rage. Maura swallowed hard as Jane pulled her hands free, rising to her feet.
''bullshit!''
Maura flinched.
''Just... You really believe your capable of this!?''
Maura flinched again as Jane held up her hands, exposing her scars.
''Capable of inflicting this onto someone? Torturing? Raping? Killing them?''
Maura lowered her gaze.
''Really Maura! Fucking really! If you really think you are, you're right I don't know you...''
Maura couldn't speak, couldn't breath.
''You know what...fuck it.''
Maura sobbed, hearing Jane turn and walk away, heels echoing until they were free of her office. She cried, she cried for herself, for Jane. For everything.
Maura gasped as her hands were pulled from her face, a scalpel shoved into her hand, before she knew what was going on. She cringed back, but Jane s hand was a vice on her wrist pulling her up. ''J...Jane?''
She was pulled across the room to her desk. Watched as Jane with her free hand shoved a clear space, her other hand still on her clenched hand with the scalpel. ''Jane... what?''
Jane slammed her free hand down onto the desk, palm up. Air exhaling in grunts, sweat covering her face. ''okay. Do it.''
Maura mouth fell open.
Jane pulled on her hand, hovering it over her other exposed palm. Eyes locking with her. ''Do it. Do what he did... come on.''
Maura was frozen. Senses all overloading. Till she felt the pull on her hand again, changing the angle of the scalpel downward, just inches over Jane s other. Horror rushed through Maura. ''NO!'' she pulled on her hand, tilting her body to get back, away.
''come on Maura. You're just like him remember. This is what he likes, what he wants. me... me like this. Do it! Then you can go tell him, share in the moment. Compare notes.''
Jane pulled again. Maura struggled harder, unable to get free, she did the only thing she could, she shoved her hand forward, covering Jane's on the desk. ''no... no... god, Jane.. stop... no.''
Jane stopped pulling, feeling the shakes going through Jane's body. turning her head to see, gasping as she saw the anguish there. it hurt, god it hurt. ''J...Jane.''
Jane's voice shook as she spoke. ''Do you see...'' dark eyes dipped to the desk. Maura's gaze followed.
Jane eased the grip on Maura's wrist. Her other hand wrapping around Maura's, feeling Jane squeeze it hard.
Jane was crying freely now. ''how can you even think you're like him? Would he put himself between me and that? Would he even fucking care? Maura... Jesus Christ, not one part of you is like him. Did you have a shitty emotion starved childhood? Yes, fuck, yes. Do you hide behind science and other shit.. fuck, yes. Are you a little weird... god yes, but that makes you human Maura, and Charles Hoyt isn't... You are nothing like him Maura. Nothing. I am more like him then you will ever be.''
Maura's hand shook as she placed the scalpel down. ''I m...so sorry... he... he just...''
Then she was engulfed in a hug, so tight, so strong it pushed against her ribs, compressed the air. She reached up, wrapping her arms around Jane. ''he... I...'' the rest was lost in a sob.
''I know, I know Maur... I love you. Please don't let him win.''
Maura held on, held on to the light, held on to the warmth. She drew back enough to catch the lips above her. Deepening the kiss immediately, putting everything she felt into it, everything she was. Welcoming Jane's tongue, meeting it with her own. They broke apart enough to breath. Jane s forehead coming down to meet hers. Eyes locking.
''I... love you. Jane.''
Their lips met again. Maura knew now, knew, she wasn't like him, because he would never understand this emotion of love, crave, or need it. He'd gotten inside her head, but the one place he couldn't invade, was her heart.
fin...