I will always remember the day I bought my first fedora.
I was at a carnival, and if I got three rings around the cones, then I would win a fedora. I wasn't interested at first, despite my love for fedoras already at such a young age of nine. There were normal fedoras, blue velvet fedoras, fluorescent yellow fedoras, my little pony fedoras, and so many more! But then I saw it. There was only one of this fedora, and it had fallen off its hook and was lying on the counter behind the carnival game man. It was a Shrek fedora.
I had to have it.
I loved Shrek so much. But I knew I could never win the game! I only had one try…
Something warm taps my shoulder. I turn around. It's Shrek. He smiles an ogrely smile. "What are you doing in my swamp?" his voice lulls in my ear. I melt into his ogre hand.
"I want to win your fedora, Mr. Shrek." I say.
"I'll get it for you."
Suddenly, I hear a techno beat begin in the distance. I don't think anything of it; it's a carnival. But Shrek notices.
Shrek looks around, seeming furious. His body begins to quiver, until it is fully bouncing to the beat. I am scared. Shrek's neck becomes elongated, his face becomes incredibly goofy, and I fear for my life.
Shrek begins to dance. Angrily.
He is so beautiful. In his graceful movements of techno beats, I feel warmth. Shrek still looks angry. He grabs the carnival man from across the counter by the shoulders, like a plaything. He stares into his eyes and roars mightily: "WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING. IN. MY. P?!"
The beat increases and suddenly I feel as though we are at an underground club. Shrek throws the carnival man away, just like the garbage he is, and the man flies over the mountains and out of sight. Shrek is dancing aggressively now, his neck elongates again, and so does his penis. I am touched by the Shrektastic girth. The music has made me deaf, or maybe it was Shrek's ogre roar. I grab his length, and I am so ready.
Shrek has penetrated my butthole. His ogre dink-doink has burst right through his pants due to its might. I bounce upon it, to the ogre-tastic beat. The pain is unimaginable. I am amazed he fit. Shrek is beautiful as he dances, his limbs stretching to impossible lengths and fantastic shapes and forms. He does not have to thrust, his Shrek penis simply moves on its own. Beautiful.
"WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING. IN. MY. SWAMP?!"
The other people at the carnival have run away screaming at this point. Shrek repeats this frightening, ogrely phrase as he spills his warmth and kindness into my butt. His penis is normal again, and the hole in his pants remains.
He smiles down at me. Shrek is so beautiful. He touches my shoulder as he did before all of this began. "That'll do, little boy," he purrs, clapping me on the shoulder. "That'll do."
"But Mr. Shrek!" I say, panting and out of breath from our frolic. "I never got your Shrektastic fedora!"
He leans over me, with a smile of pure mischief, and holds out his hand. In it, appears the fedora, unscathed. (The rest of the carnival blew to bits from the previous events.)
"Oh Mr. Shrek!" I gasp in joy. He places it on my head. The fit is perfect.
Later that night, Shrek is gone, and I'm lying in bed and it's so cold. I just got into an argument with my dad over praying to Shrek. But I now have all the Shrek merchandise in existence. The fedora smiles at me from my dresser where it lay. A warmth appears beside me, and I feel something touch me.
It's Shrek!