A/N Another insomnia-inspired cracky kind of fic. (Seriously, I've had 3 1/2 hours of snooze in the last 3 days). It's probably only funny if you are a) similarly sleep-deprived and b) familiar with entirely dysfunctional families around the holidays.
They sat in the Ready Room for five decakliks. Brawl was already twitching: Bonecrusher was muttering something completely predictable. Starscream seemed perfectly well-inclined to stretch his legs along the sim-table, optics drowsing closed. Only Blackout was worried. Finally, Blackout stood up.
"Uhhh, okay. How 'bout I fill in the basic outlines while we wait for Barricade to get here?"
"I hate Barricade," Bonecrusher muttered.
"Thinks he's so smart," Brawl added, egged on by Bonecrusher. It didn't help that he took smartness to be a personal affront.
"I think," Starscream slitted his optics, arms still folded across his chassis, "that Barricade is merely depressed from the loss of Frenzy and should be given a bit of a break."
The other muttered, but quieted down.
"Okay," Blackout said. How hard could this be? Stupid squishy customs? He could figure it out. "Topic of today's briefing," he squinted at the datapad, "is the upcoming changes to squishy behaviors, including air and road traffic, over the next few weeks."
"Oh, I can hardly wait to hear what this festival of human psycho-socioculture is called," Starscream said, with poorly feigned interest.
"Well, actually, that's a problem." Blackout called up Barricade's notes, preset on the Ready Room's datapad. "Seems it's called Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or Litha…Eid, or…wow, that's a lot of names."
"Inefficient," Starscream spat, disdainfully.
"Confusing," Brawl chimed in, nodding earnestly.
"I hate humans." Bonecrusher muttered. He glowered at Blackout, his tails shifting idly on the floor.
Well, no argument there from Blackout. "Anyway, all these names. Apparently different holidays all celebrated at once."
"Too efficient," Starscream contradicted. "They would be much wiser to spread them out. More opportunities for overcharge." Brawl's head bobbed in ardent agreement. He did like the high-grade.
"Look," Blackout said, a little tense. How did Barricade handle the constant backtalk so calmly? "I didn't design the system, and we all know squishies are stupid, so…it makes sense. You know, squishy-sense." Even Brawl nodded, comprehending. "So, this one called Hanukkah's kinda cool. Apparently a celebration of the discovery of some sort of perpetual energy."
"Humans do not have perpetual energy," Starscream said. "This holiday is fake."
"No it's not! It's right here!" Blackout pointed at the datapad. He mumbled through something about the Maccabees. Huh, must be some kind of gestalt. "They had only a little bit of this fuel, but it lasted for eight whole solars. They celebrate it by lighting candles for eight days." Even Bonecrusher started snickering. "What?!"
"Oh, some celebration," Starscream said. "They have discovered…fire!"
"Primus I hate humans!" Brawl blurted. He caught a nasty look from Bonecrusher, apparently ready to say the same thing.
"Uhhh, okay. Well, it's humans. What do you expect?" Blackout riffled through Barricade's notes. "How about 'Christmas'?"
"Is this a celebration that they have discovered rhyme?" Starscream said, sweetly
"No," Blackout said, tartly. Even he knew this one. "This is where they celebrate this sparkling who was hunted down by three evil Magi—who I think are a kind of groundframe—and didn't die."
"So a human sparkling," Brawl asked, slowly, "managed to defeat three opponents? In single combat or did they team him?"
"Uhhhh, not sure. I think they teamed him." Maybe Blackout wasn't so sure. They all surrendered together, that much he knew. "Anyway, the sparkling grew up and saved everyone, too."
"Saved them from what?" Brawl asked.
"Ummm, bad stuff."
"Oh. Just like Megatron." Brawl sat back, satisfied.
"I hate Megatron," Bonecrusher muttered.
"Uh, yeah, thank you for that, Bonecrusher." Blackout said. "But there's this other thing about Christmas that's totally cool. This red-armored mech named Santa comes into your recharge during your recharge cycle and gives you stuff."
"Just like Megatron!" Brawl said, proudly. The others looked at him. "What?"
"I am unimpressed with the security systems these squishies have on their recharge stations," Starscream said. "Truly poorly-evolved."
"No, it's not like that!" Blackout said, defensively. His rotors ruffled in agitation. He wasn't explaining this right, somehow. "If you're good, you get junk, and if you're bad, you get a lump of coal."
"That is ridiculous," Starscream spat. "So the bad ones are rewarded with fossil fuels while the good ones get junk parts. Only the humans could create such a skewed moral scheme."
"What are you complaining about?" Bonecrusher muttered, "You'd be up to your vernier thrusters in this coal."
"Oh, like you would not?" Starscream retorted, cattily. "And Blackout, what does this San-ta give for those who are merely stupid? Brawl is not engaging enough to earn coal." He smirked as Brawl got the comment and began growling at his back.
"No! It's just good and bad. No one gets anything for stupid." Blackout checked the notes, just to be sure. Barricade sure made a lot of notes.
Starscream tsked. "A shame, Brawl. Nothing for you. And I shall probably require all of my coal for my own purposes. Maybe you can convince Bonecrusher to share his ration."
"I hate sharing," Bonecrusher spat.
Brawl looked between them, his eyes wide in his barred optic cages, devastated. "But-but--?"
"Blackout would share with you," Starscream added, "But he is doubtless 'good', and will only have junk parts."
"Better than nothing!" Brawl said. "I get nothing!" His beetly face scrunched up, on the brink of tears.
"I hate crying." Bonecrusher muttered. Brawl schlorped back his tears.
"And that is why you shall get coal, Bonecrusher," Starscream said, smugly.
"No one's getting anything! It's just a squishy myth!" Blackout cried out. Brawl looked miserable and Bonecrusher's tails were twitching in a way Starscream HAD to know was dangerous. "It's something they make up to scare sparklings!"
"I suppose," Bonecrusher said, reasonably, "having a mech able to override your recharge security at all is fairly scary to sparklings. The junk is irrelevant. He's been there while you were out of recharge—the very fact you are still online is probably half the point." He looked like he considered that to be a pretty clever idea. Blackout made a note to check his recharge secure codes.
"Maybe that is what he does to the stupid ones," Starscream needled, "he offlines them in their recharge." Brawl's optics spiraled wide. Blackout frowned at Starscream. Barricade would have figured a way to stop the Seeker from goading Brawl. It wasn't Brawl's fault he wasn't very bright. A few too many hits to the cranial plating. Sure, some were self-inflicted, but, Blackout didn't like to judge.
"SO!" Bonecrusher said, loudly, "We have this Santa mech with his enigmatic visitations. We have a festival about 'perpetual' energy that is celebrated for only eight pitiful solars. Anything else?" Under his breath he muttered, "I hate briefings."
"Uhh, it's the astronomical solstice. The shortest solar days of the year for the Northern Hemisphere."
"Whut's that mean?"
"It means, Brawl,"Starscream said, "and I shall say this using only very small words so that you may, perhaps, follow: there is little sunlight reaching the ground. The humans, being organics, require sunlight. Without it, they become irritable and depressed."
"So…they're like part plant or something?"
"Yes," Starscream said, patronizingly. "You should see them in the spring when they are all in bloom."
"Should just remove the sun altogether," Bonecrusher muttered. "Maybe they'd do us a favor and kill each other off."
"Maybe we could just lock them in a room with you, Bonecrusher," Barricade said, from the doorway. His arms were folded, his shoulders leaning against the door frame. He took in the scene: Brawl was on the verge of humiliated tears, Starscream was lording it over him, Blackout was trying desperately to keep the illusion of peace together, and Bonecrusher was within a micron of attacking someone.
"Thank you, Blackout, for demonstrating the true spirit of the squishy holidays," he said, dryly.