Disclaimer/author's notes: Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto, not me, no profit involved. Warnings for limited proof-reading, parody, and dry humping/attempted smut before Naruto's big fat mouth changes that into a fist in face. Maybe I'll continue this, maybe not. The following quote is from Joss Wheedon's Buffy the Vampire Slayer and included 'cause I can see either boy having this conversation with his mamma:
-"Well, he... he actually told you? He, he said, 'I love you'?"
-"Well, I-I didn't let him get that far, but... I could see the words coming."
-"Honey, did you... somehow, unintentionally, lead him on in any way? Uh, send him signals?"
-"Well, I... I do beat him up a lot. For Spike that's like third base."
Naruto is straight. He knows this for a fact. His flinching at the idea of peeping on various female comrades in the bathhouse doesn't have any to do with distaste over their jiggly bits. Naruto loves their jiggly bits. He knows this for a fact. However, that doesn't change the fact that if any of Naruto's female comrades catch him staring at their jiggly bits, even the tinsiest bit—it's like they have a sixth sense for this too—they will be distinctly Not Happy. And by "Not Happy," Naruto means they will happily murder with their pinky toe if they catch him leering.
And then they'd drag him home to the Fourth Hokage (who, because Naruto never catches a break, happens to be his old man) and a long lecture and tearful questions about how Minato went wrong as a father.
Besides, Naruto is pigheaded enough not to let his hormones reduce one half of the population into objects to be ogled. Whether it be due to the brain damage from number of times Kushina has bashed him over the head with a frying pan at the slightest hint of picking up Jiraiya's pervy tendencies or Minato's calming influence, Naruto is a grown, sophisticated young man now—a veritable gentleman. Ogling and pervy tendencies are rude. No more Sexy no Justu. No more tripping over his feet when Sakura's top is slightly unzipped (okay, Naruto admits that he still slightly trips over his feet). In summary, over the last five years, puberty is a bitch, but Naruto won't let it make a fool out of him yet. Nosiree.
But Naruto is still very much a horny eighteen-year-old teenage boy and his hormones need to have an outlet somewhere. If his moral code won't let him eye Sakura or Tenten or Temari (Gaara would castrate him and then crush his balls in a sand-coffin if Temari doesn't it herself first with her fan, Naruto shudders to think), then whom is Naruto to fantasize to?
Certainly not bastard-y Bastards with their chest-baring shirts bending over in their too-tight ANBU regulation pants in the middle of the training field. Naruto is straight. He would never think of fantasizing about pretty, stupid, shameless Bastards anyways.
In front of him, Bastard stretches and arches his back before turning and smirking at Naruto. The parts of his chest not covered by his shirt (which is pretty much all of it, Naruto observantly observes) are glistening with sweat. Naruto wonders if he should be a helpful teammate and lick said sweat off. With his tongue. Maybe right there where Bastard's nipple is peeking out of the slip of white fabric (honestly, Naruto wonders, can that thing actually be called a shirt? clothing is supposed to cover you).
Disturbed by these thoughts, Naruto stares at Sasuke for a long second before throwing a handy shruiken at his head.
"What are you looking, moron?" Sasuke pants as he jumps away from the shruiken and lands in a crouch, barest hint of a challenge visible. "Is that the best you got? If you want to take me on, you have to come at me much harder, dead-last." Then, he promptly blows a fireball in Naruto's face. Bastard.
Naruto's ears perk up as he hears "take me" and "moron" and "come" and "harder." Dodging the incoming fireball, he imagines a pretty, sweat-covered, panting Sasuke repeating the same words under slightly different circumstances (by slightly different circumstances, Naruto means naked, needy, on-the-flat-of-his-back Sasuke growling and scratching as he commands Naruto to go harder right now, dead-last ; the challenge in his voice and disparaging pet names remain the same, though, because that's how they roll). This mental image makes Naruto pause, his body freezing as his brain processes this and dies from the picture: naked Bastard, pretty Bastard, me with pretty, naked Bastard. Brain cannot process the beauty. Complete self-destruct in four minutes.
Somewhere in the fog of this after-image, Naruto feels a fist colliding with his face and his body lumbering back with a thud, tumbling downwards like a sad Christmas tree haphazardly falling to ground after being cut down by a pair of alcoholics who waited to Christmas Eve to pick out a tree. Point being, in terms of Naruto's spars with Sasuke, he can safely say this is one of the ones he has lost more spectacularly.
However, other spars that Naruto has lost spectacularly with the Bastard don't end up with the Bastard planting his backside in Naruto's crotch and shoving his stupidly attractive face in Naruto's face, demanding, "Did they mix you up with a crack-whore's baby at the hospital when you were born, dead-last? Because that last match was pathetic even for you."
With the rear-end he has been obsessed over kicking (and not doing other things to, as Naruto reminds his not-so-straight subconscious several times) the last five years planted in areas that are beginning to react accordingly, Naruto forces his brain to start working again and his eyes to stop staring at the Bastard's pretty lips opening and closing. Pretty Bastard.
"How are you doin'?" Naruto hears his mouth saying as one blue eye winks entirely of its own accord. He has seen Jiraiya do that with Granny Tsunade more than once. It always ends up with Jiraiya being punched through a wall though.
The pretty lips Naruto has been not-ogling turn into a scowl and hiss, "Are you completely deficient?—" Naruto wonders what sounds those lips will produce if he bites down on them"—wait that's a stupid question, of course you are." Then, black eyes widen and Bastard looks traumatized. It looks like Bastard's holier-than-thou Uchiha bottom has made acquaintance with Little Naruto. Big Naruto swallows nervously. This cannot end well.
Sasuke's eyes swirl crimson. Big Naruto becomes even more scared and Little Naruto becomes even harder. "Is that what I think it is, idiot?" Sasuke says in a dangerously calm voice. Naruto stares back blankly at the Bastard as if this is all a dream, he will wake up very soon, and he won't be dead in the next minute.
And, as things always go with Naruto, his reply to Sasuke's query is a desperate, "I'm straight."
Sasuke's eyes twirl even faster and his body starts to spark static electricity in a way that does not bode well for Naruto. A pale fist clenches then pulls back before making route to a destination that seems to be Naruto's face.
For fuck sake's, the now only functioning part of Naruto—which happens to be the primeval chakra demon inside of him—roars, we're not dying because our vessel is an idiot. We're especially not dying because our vessel is an idiot virgin. Now pacify the raging vixen before he electrocutes us to death. Naruto's body begins to emit orange chakra and he moves his hips (and consequently Little Naruto) roughly up into Sasuke's rear to throw him off, finding himself strangely disappointed when this attempt actually works. Now that it isn't nestled against his crotch like it was born to be there, Naruto quite misses the Bastard's holier-than-thou Uchiha bottom. Sasuke snarls and his fist begins to hurtle towards Naruto's at an even more worrying speed. Feisty, is Kurama's only thought as Naruto catches Sasuke's fist and the two boys begin to try to beat each other into submission.
The fight ends with Naruto struggling to keep his grip on writhing, pinned-facedown Sasuke. With all the Bastard's wiggling and rubbing up underneath him, the situation with Little Naruto is worsening. Also, Kurama's running commentary of more productive things he could be doing with "the vixen" in this position isn't helping matters either. "Listen, Bastard, I'm sorry," Naruto whines as he tries to bite down his instincts to start to slapping down hard on that backside that just won't stop squirming against his groin, "It's my bad, errrr, sometimes I get a little happy in the pants when we're sparring. It happens to everyone. Now, stop squirming!" Bastard keeps on bucking his behind against Naruto's all-too-receptive man-parts. Naruto knows the Bastard's doing it on purpose.
One last squirm is the final temptation before Naruto gives into instinct and gives the bottom below him a resounding smack. Sasuke immediately stops writhing and and reddens delightfully and stiffens, stunned into obedience for once in his life. Just one time wasn't enough for catharsis, Naruto's subconscious tells him. Having denied it for so long, Naruto is now his subconcious's most loyal servant. He gives two, three, four more slaps to the Uchiha's squirming-once-again rear. Sasuke makes a strangled noise like a dying beaver, and Naruto shifts uncomfortably above him, fingers itching for another excuse to touch his rival that's so conveniently pinned below him. Naruto can count the number of times this has happened on two hands and one foot (pinning Sasuke, not spanking him; if that had happened more than once, Naruto probably would have died very happily of a nosebleed a long time ago). Still, maybe this time Naruto has gone a little too far.
"Hey, Sasuke, errr, I'm sorry about that right there, I just got caught up in the moment and—hey, hey I've apologized, getting loose and biting in the neck me doesn't help matters—" Naruto's voice raises three octaves as he tries to clutch what will become the world's biggest hickey with one hand and try to stop Sasuke's clumsy escape attempt with the other hand.
Of course, fate being as it is, this means both Uzumaki and Uchiha tumble in an undignified heap to the ground, the same lean bastardy body that got Naruto into this situation in the first place now trapped beneath him one more. "Got you pinned. Again. Who's the loser now, Bastard?" Nauto's mumbles without any real heat into Sasuke's smooth neck. Hmmm, Kurama tells Naruto slyly, we haven't paid the vixen back for the earlier stunt with the love-bite. Naruto nods his head in agreement and brings his teeth down gently on the place where Sasuke's pulse is fluttering softly on his neck. Bastard makes a soft, gasping noise and Naruto absently licks his tongue along the curve where the Bastard's jaw meets his neck.
Naruto moves his lips lazily upwards, nipping and claiming pale skin as his own before coming to a stop at perfectly sculpted lips. If wasn't for the slight flush on white cheeks, Naruto would think Bastard was bored. "Well," Sasuke drawls challengingly as Naruto hovers before his lips, "is that the best you can do? Better start doing a better job, or I'll find someone else to."
Naruto takes this as invitation to do his worst and shoves his entire tongue into Sasuke's mouth, sitting up and then pulling the Bastard onto his lap. Somehow in this process Bastard's legs get wrapped around Naruto's waist and his hands in Naruto's hair, tugging harshly as pale lips began to lap at tan skin along Naruto's neck. Naruto sighs contently and decides there's nothing to wrong with letting Sasuke does his worst to him instead. Besides, having one hand free to grope Sasuke's buttocks and another one to caress the soft skin under that slip-of-fabric-that-dares-call-itself-a-shirt is a good enough consolation prize.
Besides, Sasuke has started grinding himself into Naruto's lap and started making noises that Naruto never in the wildest dreams (not even in the really filthy ones that Naruto not at all had when he was still straight; with Sasuke draped now over him the way he is, Naruto acknowledges that he is slightly gay. only for Sasuke, though. anyone would be, honestly) could imagine he'd make. Not-Even-in-Naruto's- Most-Depraved-Imaginings Sasuke is becoming Real Sasuke and Naruto is starting to feel hot and bothered and he is going to—
Naruto freezes and realizes what is happening. He jumps away in horror. "You, you're hard, too!" Naruto splutters as he points his finger accusingly as Sasuke, "You're doing this on purpose … you, you seducerer! I'm not into your ass no matter how much you flaunt it at me. Nosiree, Uzumaki Naruto isn't falling for tricks so cheap."
Sasuke's response is short, elegant, and undeniably violent. "Just in case you didn't understand that, dead-last, I totally just kicked your ass right now," Sasuke calls over his shoulder as he stalks away from Naruto's battered body. Even Naruto, thickheaded as he is, can understand the meaning of this.
He's so totally into us, Kurama nods in agreement with Naruto's impaired subconscious for the first time in history, vixen is just playing hard to get. Now go to his burrow and seduce him. Flowers are good, right? Human vixens like flowers.
The next day Naruto walks to the front door of the Uchiha compound and presents Sasuke with a bouquet of daffodils. Sasuke sets the daffodils on fire and sics Itachi on him.
The next day, Naruto wakes in his hospital bed and smiles to himself. It's true love.