6/13/04
Heather had another nightmare. I had been hoping that as she got older she would outgrown them, but it seems that as she grows they are becoming more vivid. This morning, after I got home from work, Mrs. Thomas told me that Heather had been crying all night in her sleep. Calling out for her mom. Mrs. Thomas is too polite to ask me outright where Heather's mother is, but I could tell she wanted to. I don't know if I should lie to her or tell her the truth—the truth of June. Not Alessa's truth. Never. That truth was buried years ago.
I worry though. As Heather's vocabulary expands, she is becoming more vocal about her dreams. How many 5 year old girls say they dream of being on fire? How many can draw you the symbol I saw all over that town? I worry that one day she is going to say something to the wrong person and word is going to get back to that cult about us.
I read an article today at work about sleep inducing medication. A lot of people claim that they don't sleep while taking the drugs. I feel like a horrible father for even entertaining the idea of drugging my 5 year old daughter but the nightmares are getting more vivid and more violent.
A week ago, she woke up clawing at her skin, screaming that she was on fire. It took me two hours to calm her down. I was just lucky that I happened to have been home that night. Her forearms were covered in bandages the next few days. Mrs. Thomas asked me about it several times and I had to lie to her. I told her Heather had been helping me do the dishes and fell into the sink where there was a bunch of knives waiting to be rinsed. I was lucky she didn't call child protective services right then.
How much longer will my luck hold out?