I loved her once.
This is only a one shot, but depending on how it turns out, and what people think, I may make it multi chapter. I do not own criminal minds, this is only for fun. please Read & Review.
Everything had ended; everything had changed so quickly though I should have seen it coming. I should have known, I should have remembered that the past would always come back to haunt me, I should never have allowed my guard down not for one moment. However, I did and then things became what they had.
I would look at her sometimes watch her every move, study her looking to make sure she was okay without her knowing or noticing, it was faded into the background of every part of my life every fibre of my being.
I can remember so much but yet nothing really sticks in my mind, nothing shouts out that this is where it all changed where everything stopped and became the nightmare of which I now must endure. The shell, which my life must now become, well it already was a shell clouded in lies betrayal and some other things, which I do not know if I am able to explain.
We spoke about so many things but yet I hid from her, I kept so much hidden from her, would the outcome have changed if I had allowed her in? It all came crashing down in the end, I gave up, and I walked away. Not because I wanted to. God, I never wanted to walk away from her but I had to, I had no choice.
It had started so many years ago but I lost track of when it first happened the moment to which I had opened my heart till the second I slammed the cast iron walls back around myself, I forget which point it all happened when everything I felt for her was ripped away or did I make it go away?
I made it go away, I had been so closed off for years I was numb back then but I knew when it happened I knew the second I laid my eyes on her and she had smiled at me, the second she had introduced herself. I was slightly shy around her or maybe I was too guarded for her to even see what lay behind my eyes that my mind said the second I walked into her office some six years ago. It feels like a lifetime ago now, and it is.
Everything here is now hard and not in a way, it is something I had long excepted I should never have thought of them as a family, I should never have allowed them to get so close to me, I knew it would end in heartache. I knew I would hurt her and in fact hurt everyone, I cared too much I wanted to fit in so badly when I had finally met the rest of them.
Eyes fell on me sizing me up trying to figure me out, trying to see if my intentions were good if I would have their backs. I would have laid down my life for them, for her and in the end, I did. I gave everything I had to protect them or protect my heart, I should have told her I had so many chances to confess so many times alone with her.
I turned up on her doorstep one night, no questions had been asked as she let me in the door and allowed me in, she held me that night and I knew then, that I could never allow her to see me the real me. She was to kind and pure and I am damaged, in ways I could never allow her to see.
I was a hidden shell my soul had been ripped and burned once. I had known love, I knew what love felt like even though it was so wrong, but back then I didn't care I was someone else I was living someone else's life and now is not any different.
I was gone and maybe it was for the best my heart could not take it anymore, I had watched her for so long but then I stopped watching her. I stopped looking for the signs that something was there that something could have happened. Only it had happened but only in my dreams or when her arm wrapped around me, or her hand had rested on my arm it was a spark but I know she never felt it. She couldn't, why would she?
In the end I pushed her away I pushed her so far away she couldn't have known what I felt and what I still feel on some level, I wondered if my eyes ever gave it away, if they ever betrayed me and spoke for me. Nevertheless, as I sit here waiting for her to arrive I know she could never know, I had hurt her in fact I had hurt them all I had disappeared without a trace.
I guess it wasn't so much without a trace, they buried me and I watched on from the sidelines out of view, I watched as she placed the rose on my coffin, but something in her eyes was there something was held deep in those swirling blue orbs as she laid that rose upon the lid as though she was saying goodbye and she was but something pulled at me.
I had turned and walked away not because I wanted to but because I had to, I loved her once but now I was numb and alone. This is my life and where I was meant to be, alone in the darkness away from those I cared about, those people that I classed as my family.
However, I loved her or maybe I am still in love with her as I sit at the small café on the side street waiting for her to arrive to see those eyes again. Does she hate me for everything I have done, my skin crawled for so many reasons, I did not deserve her kindness, and she should not be the one to save my life.
She shouldn't be the person that came to my rescue and then have to lie to the people she loved so much, her family but in a way they were my family as well, I just never told them.
I would know that figure anywhere as the blonde sat down in front of my handing me the file which would give me a new life, a new life with her not in it, she wished me luck and in that moment I wanted to tell her, I wanted her to know that I loved her that I still love her, but I can't I know they may never see me again and it is for the best, while Doyle is still alive there is a chance that I may never come back and never see her face again.
I have to forget everything, leave it all blank and tuck it away out of sight, out of my mind, but so many thoughts, why is she risking everything for me, or was it Hotch that had asked her? I guess I will never know. I couldn't answer her aside for a slight nod, as I went to leave, her hand gripped mine and our eyes locked she looked as though she wanted to say something, was it goodbye did she know she may never see me again that this was going to be the last time our eyes would met.
She was and is my friend but now I have to grieve for them I have lost my family, I had already lost the one person which I wanted. I lost her years ago but she was still in my life back then but now we were here, her hand in mine and words failed me again like so many other times over the years.
She was my lover in my dreams, maybe she will still be in my dreams I can only smile as she tells me to stay safe but it is a strained smile not the one she knows it is different, I walked across the road, I can't look back, if I look back now my resolve will break. I don't want to leave her I never wanted to leave her, but I have to I don't have a choice my life would be one of staying in the shadows away from everyone it didn't really matter what happened to me it never did. Why did it matter to her?
I walked back to my hotel room with the passports and all the details I needed to start my new life, my life living as a shadow, living with a target on my back with so many eyes and ears all over, I am not sure how long it will be before one of his men will spot me, how long before they see me as something over than the new names I have been given. Details to bank accounts so I would not need to look for work, well not yet anyway who knows how long it will be before I end up dead.
The contents spilled over the desk, though I noticed a small envelope in very knowing handwriting, this was going to be the goodbye she never got to say to me or maybe this is where she tells me never to return with a prayer to hope I don't die. I read it slightly in shock my mouth open my heart pounding in my chest, why did I never see.
'Dear Emily,
I am going to miss you but I want us to stay in touch, I cannot imagine my life without you in it, even when I had to leave the BAU, you stayed by my side, like you always have done. I want you to know and I know this may either come across two ways but I want you to take in the context, which it is meant, and I hope you will.
Do not give up! I know you may not plan on doing, but I mean it for some many different reasons and mainly because I have so, many questions and I have had them for a long time. In addition, I know how unfair it is to ask you them now but I need you to listen to what I am writing as though I am saying it to you.
As though I am sat in front of you, I have never had the guts to say things to your face in the past and I think deep down you know this! On the other hand, I hope you know this. I want you to be able to come home in time, I want it to be safe for you again to grace us with your love, kindness and that protective streak which you try to hide but you never did that well.
I remember so much Emily, I remember that night, the three girls hitting the bar, Garcia thought at that moment you wasn't a team player, that you was someone whom would break away from us if you had the chance or if we got to close to you. Nevertheless, you made us laugh instead it is not hard to believe that he would chat you up with corny lines but when you brought him over to the table.
My heart sunk Emily.
However, I learnt that was your way of having fun but it hurt, and I never knew why. I never understood how that one action could have hurt so badly! However, it did and I was ashamed to admit it, Garcia knew, and that is only because she is my best friend and I have known her for so long.
It was in that one moment I knew or I thought I knew, you was straight and I did not stand a chance. It was a crush I guessed at the time though Garcia would tease me slightly, she knows my secrets Emily she always has, but I did not see the point in sharing that fact with you. Maybe I should have done.
But then you pushed me into Will's arms, you told me to go for it and me being stupid and hurting at the time I did with open arms, weekends sneaking off to see him, the air miles adding up. God Emily, I never meant for things to become so messed up, I never meant to fall pregnant, but I did.
Nevertheless, the look on your face when he told everyone in the hotel that night, I knew I had broken your heart and in fact broke my own, but I could not change it; I did not know how to fix everything. Though the next day you was so distant your emotions so hidden it was like looking at a blank wall and even that was covered with another layer a layer I knew I would never get past again.
You pulled away from me that day, you slipped so far away from me Emily and it hurt so badly. I wanted your arms around me again, like the times when you turned up at my home in the middle of the night looking for some type of comfort and comfort, which I needed; I just wish I told you.
I want you to have hope Emily. I want you to come home when all this is over, I want you to keep in touch with me every day, I know it is hard and it is going to be so hard for you and maybe all this is selfish on my part. I cannot not have you in my life Emily, why could not you have worked that out.
Why could you not have looked at me and seen the love that I have for you in my eyes? Please do not be angry with yourself or me, I need you to hold on for me and stay alive. I love you Emily I just wish I had told you years ago and that it had not taken something like this for me to find the courage to tell you.
Please stay alive you have so much to live for and so many people whom need you, I know I sound selfish and I shouldn't be asking you this, but you stay strong you have hope and you come home to me in one piece. You come home to me alive Emily!
I loved you once Emily and I never stopped.
You will stay in my heart till you come home,
Love Jen x
PS, I left him….'
I cannot hold the tears in any longer. I should have told her. I need to tell her. I was so stupid not to have seen, I cannot help but curl up on the bed hugging the pillow for comfort and it is in that moment that I make the silent promise to myself to JJ. I will come home and when I come home, I will tell you I love you.