Title: Vow
Summary: The thing about making vows was you were never guaranteed to stop the hurt. They're nothing but heart-wrenching promises.
Disclaimer: I do not own OITNB or any of its characters. They belong to Jenji Kohen, I do, however, own my writing so please don't steal- Johanna002©
Read, Review, Subscribe, Add to Favs
"You're actually married?" the question slips from Nicky's lips before she can stop it. Her body is tense and she can feel her knuckles morph into a shade of white. The beating of her heart picks up, the pounding in her ears ringing out of control. She almost misses the gleeful response that Lorna delivers smoothly. Almost.
"What, you thought I was lying?"
Nicky gives her a small nod, "I mean, obviously." She can't help but chuckle, a small, bitter huff of breath passing from between her perfect, pink lips. "It's you."
Lorna gives her a look, nearly insulted by her explanation. As quickly as her annoyance comes it's gone again and she excitedly babbles into a response, providing her former lover with a detailed account of the happiest day of her life.
"I wish you could have been there, Nicky," Lorna explains insensitively, her brain clouded in the common phenomenon known as the honeymoon phase. "My sister didn't come, but Red did. I don't know how I would have survived these last three months without her, Nicky. Red," Lorna can't help but leap into a sincere, praise. "She's really something."
Mechanically, Nicky nods. Her eyes move across the cafeteria, finding Red standing near the serving line. Warm brown meets cool blue and Nicky's heart instinctively skips a beat as she is rewarded with a smile, an obvious display of affection that is reserved solely for her.
Nicky nods her head, watching as Red begins to make her way toward the table. "Yea, Lorna," she agrees. "Red is definitely something."
Boo notices the tension immediately, a mischievous smile playing on her lips as Red nears closer. "How so, Nichols?" she asks.
Red quietly finds her place behind Nicky, her hands coming to rest on her shoulders. She squeezes gently, knowing that her girl had always enjoyed the more obvious displays of her adoration. She frowns at the tension she feels and squeezes once more, this time in question, silently asking if everything is okay.
Lorna smiles, the sight of mother and daughter warming her completely. "Red," she begins. "I was just telling Nicky about my wedding." she grins, "Red even wore a corsage, Nicky. She was very into it."
Nicky nods, her shoulders squaring under Red's grip. "Really?"
Boo can't help but chime in, "I hear the whole thing was a sight to see." She didn't miss the icy glare in the Russian's eyes as she dared her to continue.
"Oh, it was!" Lorna cried. "When I get out, Vinnie promised me we would have a real reception. We've even agreed on a vanilla cake!" Her eyes lit up, "Red maybe you could make it for me!"
Nicky stands up, entangling herself from Red's touch. "I just realized," she began lamely, "I have somewhere that I'm supposed to be." she grabs her tray and turns, daring- challenging- Red to follow her.
The only thing she want's right now is to be alone.
...
Never would Red have imagined that guilt could eat at her so intensely. She watched Nicky from a distance, her heart breaking at the sight of her beloved girl pacing back and forth underneath the canopy.
"She was going to find out sooner or later," Red whispers. She leans heavily against the doorway, her stomach knotting in sickening anticipation. It's not often that she's on this side of the fence and her heart goes out for her girl, who in one way or another always seems to find her way into a heap load of trouble. She can't help but wonder if Nicky experiences a similar feeling in her own stomach when she'd done something particularly distasteful.
Like a child being forced out of bed, Red is slow in her movements as she pushes herself to face the music. She balls her hands up nervously, grimacing at the slick, sweaty feel of her palms. She shoves her hands into the pockets of her gray hoodie, and as she nears her child she calls her cautiously.
"Nicky," she isn't surprised when she's met with an angry scowl, disappointment floating clearly in the brown eyes she adores so much. "Are you okay?" Her eyes cast downward, realizing instantly the stupidity behind her question. Of course, Nicky wasn't okay.
Laughter follows a hollow sound that sends chills down Red's spine. Nicky pushes her hair from her face, her eyes darken to an almost black color. It was as if she was almost looking through Red, disappearing before her very eyes.
"Ya know," Nicky whispers, her voice cracking under the weight of her emotion. She shakes her head, her eyes falling closed; thick lashes sweeping heavily against her cheeks. Her tongue darts out to lick her lips and she chuckles, sniffling her tears away. "If one more person leaves me, I'm going to start taking it personally."
What was so wrong with her?
For the life of her, Nicky couldn't comprehend what the malfunction was. She'd spent her whole life trying to figure it out, and after thirty years of searching, she would have thought that the answer would be evident. At this point in her life, she couldn't see how the problem could still be Marka. The woman had practically vanished into thin air. Whatever had made Nicky so unlovable in her eyes was surfacing once more. It seemed inescapable and permanent.
Red reached for her, her hand clasping firmly around Nicky's wrist and she pulled the young woman toward her. "Sweetheart," she whispered, her left hand pushed Nicky's chin up just enough so their eyes could meet. "Nicky," she inhaled a deep breath and exhaled slowly. With a firm shake of her head, her fingers grip tightly to Nicky's chin, the scarlet of her nail polish contrasting beautifully with olive tone of her skin.
Despite the anger that was raging inside of her, Nicky melted into her mother's touch. She felt her face heat up, ears burning in response.
There was no way to possibly misread the look of uncertainty and doubt, that clouded Nicky's eyes. Red relaxed her grip, her lips lifting into the smallest of smiles. Her eyes softened and naturally, her head tilted, the tone of her voice soothing and full of promise as it passed her lips. "I won't leave you, Nicky."
In any other scenario, Nicky would have fallen into her. She would have no qualms or reservations about letting herself dissolve into a broken puddle of heartbreak. She would have sought comfort in Red's words and she would have clung to her for dear life, giving herself to her completely- allowing herself to be weak- believing that Red alone would be enough to make the pain go away.
Lorna's undeniably, elated voice from this morning echoes in her head like a nauseating love song. One detailed description after another illustrating a picture of the perfect prison wedding. Who knew there was even such a thing?
The passion in her words had been so moving, and in slow motion, despite her every intention, Nicky couldn't help but get caught up in the new bride's web. From the DIY flowers to the long length of her generic toilet-paper vale; people gathered happily- Red two steps behind her- as she promised to commit and give herself completely and wholly to a man she barely knew; vowing to be his constant and him returning that promise to always be hers.
In a sick, twisted irony, something Nicky couldn't dream up even if she wanted to, Red stood before her promising the same. Like needles, Nicky's ears felt punctured. The words meant to soothe and comfort her doing nothing but destroying and severing her into a tiny, million jagged pieces.
"I won't leave." There was a painful amount of truth in Red's words. A promise seemingly so easy, yet one Nicky would never hear from Lorna.
Laughter vibrated deep in Nicky's chest, her throat burning in anticipation of the words she would say. "You already did," her voice cracked and she laughed louder, her body instinctively pulling away from the cradle of Red's palm. Her head shook, her massive, strawberry curls moving in waves against her shoulders, strands blowing across her face, caressing her skin softly.
Red's hand fell to her side, eyes darkening a shade of blue as her lips parted, a gasp of surprise forcefully pushing it's way free. "What?" She was the perfect portrait of wounded, the exact way Nicky felt.
Seeing her own feelings being reflected back at her caused Nicky to grimace. Her eyes break away from Red's to stare past her, unable to face the hurt that she had caused; the unintentional pain that she was so wonderful at bestowing.
"You chose her over me." Nicky shrugged casually, as means of explanation. Wasn't that the definition of being left? Did that not mean anything, or was everyone willing to look past that? "She has a husband, her happily ever after, and now, she even has my mom!"
Lorna was just one in a guilty party of many, and as much as she strived to be the center of attention, she wasn't the sole source of Nicky's heartbreak.
"You're supposed to be on my side." Nicky stumbled backward, her feet feeling as heavy as cement as her black, work boots scraped against the concrete.
Red followed her, the need to redeem herself a strong one. She reached for her again and missed, her fingernails just barely scratching the skin of Nicky's forearm. Denial flooded through her, and panic settled itself into the pit of her stomach. "I'm always on your side!" she promised vehemently. "Nicky, no one has and no one ever will take me from you."
What would she have to do to prove to Nicky that she was here for the long haul? She endured everything with her- the good and the bad- never once wavering from her side or threatening to withdraw her support.
"Really?" Nicky challenged angrily, her arms crossing protectively over her chest. She halted her backtracking, allowing Red to approach her. Her brown eyes rose to meet blue, and her shoulders squared, her posture straightening, making her a whole half an inch taller. "Because the way it seems is you stood at her side as she went and fucking married someone else!" Nicky's voice rose, her words thunderous, "You're my mom. You're supposed to want me to be happy… be on my side!"
Red shook her head, understanding too well the betrayal her girl was speaking of. She had no excuse, not one that would fix it. At this point, there was no way to turn back the hands of time, no way to make it all disappear.
Never is it intentional for a parent to hurt their child, and it seems that even the most right decision, often times ends up being the wrong one.
Nicky and Lorna were two dangerously, delicious individuals, who together could go either way; bloom into an unstoppable duo or completely destroy one another. Red's confliction was unimportant- irrelevant. She pushed it to the backburner. The entire focal point of Nicky's anger was her seemingly obvious role in betraying her.
Red didn't bother to excuse her actions, knowing it was the last thing Nicky would want to hear. She settled on being direct, a firm and honest approach that would later serve in healing. "What was I supposed to do, Nicky?" she asked calmly. "Say no?"
It would have solved everything, right? Saying no. The pain her child was going through at her hands could have so easily been prevented if she had denied Lorna's plea. If she had refused to support her and see her off, this conversation wouldn't be happening.
"Yes!" Nicky exclaimed. "Okay, yes! You should've said no."
A smile appeared on Red's lips, humor coating her words. "Nicky," she trailed off.
Nicky Nichols was many things but heartless, stupid- weren't accurate. The girl was too intelligent and too caring, probably too much so. It was everything that Red loved about her- what everyone loved about her.
The tense air between them evaporated quickly and Nicky's shoulders slumped. Her eyes cast down to the floor and her arms fell to her side as she allowed Red to naturally pull her close, her chest resting heavily against Red's. She turned her head, the chubbiness of her cheek pressing into Red's shoulder and she inhaled the natural, rose scent of her mother's hair.
"You were," Nicky whispered, her eyes pooling with tears. "You were supposed to say no." Her voice broke, and she sniffled, her arms instinctively moving to wrap around Red's back, her fingers desperately clutching onto the fabric of her hoodie.
Yes, no, was there ever a right answer? Red sighed, her eyes falling closed as she cradled Nicky to her. No one had yet to write a book on handling these sorts of things, perhaps she would be the first- the woman with all the right answers
A smile only a mother could have danced across her lips, a similar feeling of warmth igniting in her heat as she felt Nicky cling to her more tightly, desperately begging to be consoled. Red brought her hand up to cup the back of Nicky's head and her fingers disappeared into her hair, massaging her scalp lamely in an attempt to soothe her. She pulled back just an inch, her lips finding the warmth of Nicky's temple.
"Honey," she whispered, kissing her once more. "I'm so sorry."
Nicky nodded against her, struggling for every breath as she cried into her fabric clad shoulder, "It's not fair." She felt Red's hold on her tighten and she whimpered in response, her heartbreaking a little more as the realization that Lorna would never do this for her.
"I know," Red responded easily. "I know."
It never was.