Hi guys! So I really didn't plan on doing this so soon. I've had this story in mind for a while now and I was going to write it when I'd finished Perfect, but when I broke it down I figured it was going to be really short, probably around approx. six chapters. So I figured I might as well post this first chapter seeing as I've already written it. I know I've been MIA a bit recently but I'm going to try and update one of my stories once a week whether it be this one or Perfect (or dare I say Stone Cold).
If you know me at all, you'll know that this is a Merder story and is au. Please review and thank you so much for reading! The song I miss you by Clean bandit kinda inspired this story if you haven't figured from the title and the lyrics haha.
I know you're out in Cabo
Hanging with your brother
Wishin' that I was your bottle
So I could be close to your lips again
I know you didn't call your parents
And tell them that we ended
'Cause you know that they'd be offended
Did you not wanna tell them it's the end
And I know we're not supposed to talk
But I'm getting ahead of myself
I get scared when we're not
'Cause I'm scared you're with somebody else
So I guess that it is gone
And I just keep lying to myself
I can't believe it
I, I miss you, yeah I miss you
I miss you, yeah I miss you, oh I do
I miss you, yeah I miss you
Though I'm tryin' not to right now
You weren't a fan of pictures
So I hardly ever took 'em
Got them saved in my mind from the bedroom
So that way I can't forget your skin
So I saved all the texts
All of the best over the years
Just to remind myself
Of how good it is
Or was
And I know we're not supposed to talk
But I'm getting ahead of myself
I get scared when we're not
'Cause I'm scared you're with somebody else
So I guess that it is gone
And I just keep lying to myself
I can't believe it
I, I miss you, yeah I miss you
I miss you, yeah I miss you, oh I do
I miss you, yeah I miss you
Though I'm tryin' not to right now
So I saved all the texts
All of the best over the years
Just to remind myself
Of how good it is
Yeah, I saved all the texts off of my ex
Minus the tears
Just to remind myself
Of how good it is
Or was
'Cause I miss you, yeah I miss you
I miss you, yeah I miss you, oh I do
I miss you, yeah I miss you
Though I'm tryin' not to right now
I can't help it, I just
Though I'm tryin' not to right now
How? I can't help it, I just
Meredith gazed out of the window as the raindrops continued to splatter against it, making the view of campus extremely blurry. It was seven twenty, and she had been sat in the same seat in the damn library since four and read about half a page of her damn book. Her concentration was totally off, she had a paper due in three days and was so far behind it was crazy. Cristina had finished hers last week and Izzie was almost done with hers, whereas she was getting nowhere.
It was obvious tonight wasn't her night, it would probably be best to go grab something to eat and see if she could study all night in her room. And if not, maybe get an early night and study before class tomorrow.
It panicked her that she wasn't panicked. Usually she was so on top of all her work but this paper just wasn't happening for her. It was the first one of the new semester and normally she was really motivated, but she just couldn't concentrate. Third year of med school was already kicking her butt. She sighed as she sat up and closed her textbook, shoving it in her bag before picking up her empty starbucks cup and making her way out of the library.
The rain was pouring down outside, which only reminded her of Seattle. It rained there all the time, Hanover was lucky enough to more or less get four seasons, whereas Seattle was just rain all the time. Thankfully her dorm wasn't a long walk from the library and hopefully Cristina wouldn't be studying so she would have someone to talk to. If she hadn't already eaten, maybe they could get a takeout for dinner, invite Izzie over.
Izzie had been in one of Cristina's classes last week when they started back at college after the summer and lived in their building on the floor below. She seemed nice and it was good to have someone around who was a bit chirpier than Cristina. Not that Cristina wasn't a great friend, she was. She was totally great and got her in ways no one else did, but she also didn't get her in a lot of ways. But maybe Cristina was what she needed right now. She was behind on her studying and that was something Cristina would be good at helping with. She was a complete nerd, even if she'd never admit it. She had never skipped a class at their whole time at Dartmouth, whereas Meredith had been to her Thursday nine am class about twice last year.
She pushed the door open to their building, finally escaping the rain and heading up the first flight of stairs until she reached her and Cristina's dorm on the third floor. Her keys were right at the bottom of her bag and she fumbled with them until she managed to push the door open, revealing Cristina sat on her bed, textbook on her lap, and Izzie on Meredith's bed, a textbook on her lap too.
'Hey Mer.' Izzie grinned, moving over on to the side of her bed. 'Sorry, I'll move.'
'No, you're fine Iz.' Meredith shrugged, pulling off her coat and hanging it up on the back of the door. 'Do you guys want pizza?' she asked as she slumped next to her friend, leaning against the wall.
'Well you're cheery.' Said Cristina flatly.
'Thanks.' Meredith replied, smiling sarcastically.
'For real, you look like you've got up a stick up your ass.'
'I do not.' Meredith frowned.
'Yes, you do.' Cristina quipped, putting her textbook on the bed. 'You mentioned pizza?'
'Right.' Meredith nodded. 'I'm hungry.'
'Me too.' Said Izzie. 'Pizza sounds good.'
'Should I get the menu?' Meredith asked, standing up and walking over to the drawer by her desk and pulling the pamphlet out and giving it Izzie.
'Ooo I've never ordered from here before.' Said Izzie, her eyes widening at the menu. 'Is it good?'
'Yeah.' Meredith nodded, sitting back down next to her.
'Meh.' Cristina shrugged. 'The place on Smith Street is better.'
'It is?' frowned Izzie from behind the piece of paper. 'Then why don't we order from there?'
'Meredith?' Said Cristina, looking at her expectantly.
'What? I told you I don't want pizza from there.'
'Sure.' Cristina rolled her eyes.
'I don't get it.' Said Izzie, shooting a look at both of her new friends.
'Mer won't let us order from there anymore.'
'What?' she frowned.
'Cristina!' snapped Meredith.
'What? You wont.' Cristina shrugged.
'Ohhh, did you get food poisoning or something?' Izzie asked, her face screwed up.
'Yeah that's it.' Said Cristina sarcastically.
'Cristina!' repeated Meredith, pleading with her eyes.
'Okay, whatever I'll drop it. We'll get crappy pizza instead.'
'It's not crappy.' Meredith corrected. 'Their meat feast is so good.'
'Whatever.' Said Cristina. 'I'm getting vegetarian. Get me a coke when you order too.'
'Okay,' Meredith nodded, pulling out her cell phone and bringing up the number. 'Do you know what you want Iz?'
'I think I'm gonna get the meat feast too.'
'Okay.' She sighed, dialling and ordering. When she hung up she sighed, staring at her phone lock screen. A picture of her and Cristina the previous week at a house party on campus.
'So what's up?' asked Cristina.
'Nothing.' She said adamantly.
'Meredith…' Cristina raised her eyebrows at her.
'Nothing.' She said firmer, glaring at her friend.
'Okay I know I'm new here, so if you guys wanna talk, I'll leave if you want.' Offered Izzie, glancing at the two.
'No. Stay.' Said Meredith quickly. 'I'm fine.'
'Except you're not fine.' Said Cristina simply.
'Cristina. Drop it.'
'Okay.' She said, holding her hands up. 'Dropping it.'
'So..' said Izzie awkwardly. 'Do you want to study with us?'
'What are you studying for?' Meredith asked, looking at the textbook on Izzie's lap.
'The test on Friday.' Replied Cristina, picking her book back up.
'Friday?' breathed Meredith. 'You're already studying for Friday?'
'Yeah…. I started last night.' Said Cristina.
'It's super hard.' Sighed Izzie. 'If you haven't started, I would.'
'Are you kidding?' exclaimed Meredith. ' I haven't even finished my paper for Thursday yet. Hell I haven't even started writing it.'
'What?' gasped Izzie. 'Mer you said you were nearly done with that!'
'I know.' She sighed. 'I lied.'
'Dude what the fuck?' said Cristina. 'There's no way you're going to get all that done now.'
'That's not exactly the confidence boost she needs.' Hissed Izzie, shooting her a look.
'Don't make feel worse than I already do.' Meredith groaned. 'I just…. I don't know. I can't do it.'
'Sure you can.' Smiled Izzie. 'I know I said it was hard, but you're smart. Study this with us tonight, start writing your paper tomorrow and you'll have it done by Thursday no problem.'
'Yeah.' Meredith sighed.
'Okay I wasn't going to bring it up seeing as I'm "not allowed",' Cristina began, putting the words in quotation marks. 'But you need to man the fuck up.'
'Cristina!' Meredith hissed again.
'What?' frowned Izzie, settling her book down and turning toward Meredith.
'Meredith's being a sap.' Cristina rolled her eyes.
'I, am not being a sap.' Meredith shot back.
'Totally being a sap.' Cristina nodded.
'I'm not.' She insisted. 'I just cant concentrate.'
'You seriously need to stop thinking about him, Mer.'
'I am not thinking about him!' she gasped her eyes going wide.
'You so are.' Cristina laughed. 'You're supposed to be hardcore and you can't even study cause you're still hung up on him. It's been almost four months, get over him.'
'Over him?!' echoed Izzie excitedly. 'Oooo get over who?'
'Her ex-boyfriend.' Cristina replied quickly before Meredith could cut her off.
'Cristina please.' She begged. 'I don't want to talk about it.'
'Neither do I, trust me.' Cristina laughed harshly. 'But it's stopping you becoming a badass doctor so you need to get over it asap.'
'It is not stopping me being a badass doctor.' She rolled her eyes. 'I just can't concentrate. I don't know…. Being back here without him… it's just so weird.'
'I didn't even know you had a boyfriend.' Said Izzie as Meredith got under the covers of her bed, pulling them around her.
'We've not been allowed to talk about it.' Cristina explained, rolling her eyes.
'Oh.' Izzie breathed.
'I just…' Meredith started, allowing herself to talk about him for the first time in weeks was weird, especially to someone new. 'I miss him.'
'Ew.' Said Cristina.
'Cristina.' Izzie hissed again, before turning back to Meredith. 'I… how long did you guys date for?'
'Two years.' Meredith sighed, her heart clenching at the thought of him. His strong arms wrapped around her and his cheeky smile when he would meet her after class and bring her lunch.
'Oh… wow. That's… a long time.' Izzie continued.
'Yeah.' Meredith whispered, her gut wrenching.
'Was it a bad break up?'
'No.' Meredith smiled, tears stinging her eyes. 'And I think that's the worst part.'
'I'm confused,' Izzie frowned. 'If it wasn't a bad breakup and you miss him… then what's the big deal? Call him.'
'No.' Meredith shook her head. 'I can't.'
'Why not?'
'When she says the break up wasn't bad, it was.' Said Cristina.
'No it wasn't.' protested Meredith.
'It was.' Cristina shrugged.
'How was mine and Derek's break up bad?' she demanded. 'We left on good terms.'
'Yeah and you've been a mess ever since. You've never gotten over him. That to me is a bad breakup. Sure you didn't scream at each other and he didn't cheat on you. But he moved like three thousand miles away and that's the only reason you broke up. You still love him and you cant be with him.'
'Yeah exactly, that's why it's worse.'
'Oh Mer.' Comforted Izzie. 'Do you want us to try and help take your mind off it?'
'I don't know.' She sighed. 'I mean… I've tried to take my mind off it ever since we broke up… and I kinda started to do better but since we came back here… everything reminds me of him. Everything.'
'Including the Smith street pizza.' Chimed in Cristina.
'Oh.' Breathed Izzie.
'I just… I can't stop thinking about him.' Meredith blurted. 'All the time.' And it was true, she found herself thinking about Derek almost every minute of every day. Every time she walked to class she remembered their walks hand in hand around campus, every time she went to starbucks she would be reminded of the black coffee he used to have, and then when she would get her iced coffee it reminded her of how he would bring her one every day when she was studying in the library. And her thoughts drifted to him every single night before she went to sleep. Wondering what he was doing right in that moment. Wondering if he ever thought of her the way she thought of him. If he ever thought of her at all. He'd probably forgotten all about her by now.
He was attractive, kind, funny. He'd probably have women falling at his feet. There were lots of on call rooms in hospitals, he'd probably slept with at least three other interns by now. He was too attractive for them to not notice. Four months was a long time. She was probably just being pathetic. He'd no doubt moved on from her by now.
'Do you… want to talk about it?'
'I don't know.' Meredith sighed.
'Please say no.' groaned Cristina.
'I mean.. what is there to talk about? We're not together anymore. It's simple.' She said sadly.
'Not if you still love him.' Smiled Izzie gently. 'Why don't you tell me about it? Him?'
'I… I don't know.' Meredith sighed.
'He was a dork.' Said Cristina.
'He was not a dork!' frowned Meredith. 'Okay… he kind of was a dork.' She breathed, smiling at Izzie. 'But a loveable one.'
'He was sexy too.' Said Cristina.
'Cristina!' shouted Meredith.
'What?' she shrugged. 'He was a dork but he had good hair. And he was hot.'
'So hot and smart.' Nodded Izzie. 'Both good.'
'And thoughtful.' She said slowly. Because he was, Derek was extremely thoughtful. There was one time when he knew she had period cramps so let himself into her dorm before she got back from class and put a hot water bottle in her bed and her favourite candy beside it so that when she came home it was all warm and cosy. It was the little things he used to do for her that made her heart hurt.
'Thoughtful.' Izzie nodded.
'And kind. He's really kind.' She began to smile. 'He has four sisters, who all live in New York. Their dad died when they were younger and Derek looked after them all. He still does.'
'That's nice.' Izzie smiled reassuringly.
'And he loves his mom.'
'Dork.' Piped up Cristina.
'That doesn't make him a dork.' Said Izzie. 'It's sweet.'
'Really sweet.' Meredith nodded. 'He's a good guy.'
'He sounds it.' Izzie smiled. 'And he's moved away for residency?'
'Yeah.' Meredith sighed. 'He graduated.'
'Oh, he came here?'
'Yeah. Med school too. He's an intern now, in Seattle.'
'Oh…' Izzie breathed. 'And you… still love him?'
Yeah.' She sighed, pulling at the sting of the cushion in front of her. 'In stupid Seattle.'
'Aren't you from Seattle?' asked Izzie.
'Yeah.' She groaned. 'But I'm here for another two years while he's becoming a stupid surgeon.'
'Hey- surgeons aren't stupid.' Cut in Cristina.
'Derek's stupid.' Said Meredith quietly. 'Stupid Derek. With his stupid boy penis. And his stupid internship. Wanting to be a stupid neurosurgeon. In stupid Seattle.'
'Seattle is also not stupid.' Said Cristina. 'I want to do my residency there if I don't get into Mass Gen.'
'You can not go to Seattle.' Meredith said seriously. 'What if you go and Derek's your resident or something?!'
'Then he's my resident. Big deal.' She shrugged.
'Seriously?' Meredith demanded.
'Seriously.' Cristina shrugged. 'It's not like I'd talk to him.'
'But he's Derek.' She whimpered.
'Okay, getting too emotional, Mer.' Groaned Cristina. 'You sickened me when you were together let alone now you're broken up.'
'So you guys just decided you wouldn't be able to make it work?' asked Izzie softly.
'Yeah.' She sighed. 'We… he's gonna be there for at least five years for his residency. I'll be here another two. And then I might not get into Seattle Grace so could end up anywhere for my residency. And surgical residents hardly have any time off, we would never be able to make it work. And then we'd resent one another for not being able to see each other and then we'd hate each other and… I could never hate him. I could never want to hate him. So we figured it was better to cut it off before it got ugly.'
'How did he take it?'
'Derek?' she breathed. 'Hard I think. I mean, we decided together. But he was sad. Probably not anymore though.'
'What do you mean?'
'Well he's living his New life in Seattle now with loads of other interns. Female interns. Probably attractive interns.'
'Not necessarily attractive.' Quipped Cristina.
'True.' Said Izzie. 'You never know. If you really loved each other he could still be thinking of you, too.'
'I doubt it.' She mumbled. 'I probably would have heard from him by now. He's into all the feelings crap. He would have called.'
'That's true, he's like a girl.' Said Cristina.
'He is not like a girl.' Meredith frowned. 'He is very manly.'
'Oh yeah.' Cristina scoffed. 'Very manly. If you say so.'
'He was.' She pouted. 'And he was great in bed.'
'He was?' Izzie's eyes lit up.
'Yeah.' She sighed. 'Amazing.'
'That's true. She made some pretty wild noises while he was impaling her.'
'Can you stop saying that he impaled me?
'It's what it sounded like.' Cristina shrugged before turning to Izzie. 'Apparently he made her come six times on her birthday.'
'Cristina!' Meredith hissed.
'Wait what?' breathed Izzie. 'Really?'
'Yeah.' She groaned.
'And she hasn't slept with anyone since.'
'You haven't slept with anyone in four months?' asked Izzie. 'Wow.'
'No.' Meredith sighed. 'I can't… it just feels wrong. Like I'd be cheating on Derek or something.'
'But you're not together.' Said Cristina.
'I know that! I just… I still love him. The thought of anyone else… I can't do it.'
'Have you tried?' asked Izzie.
'I kissed this one guy… at a party,' Meredith admitted. 'But I.. it felt so wrong. I had to stop it and I came home. It just made me think of him. And then made me think about if he was out kissing other girls and then I started crying and ate a full tub of ice cream.'
'Wow that's rough.' Said Izzie.
'I know.' Meredith sighed.
'She never used to be like this.' Said Cristina. 'He ruined her.'
'Okay… well maybe we should try and help you?' said Izzie. 'Maybe you're missing the romance in your life not just the sex. We could try and set you up on some dates? I know people.'
'I don't miss romance I miss Derek.' Meredith shook her head.
'Well Derek's gone.' Said Cristina bluntly. 'And you cant be celibate the rest of your life.'
'I miss him.' She breathed, feeling the tears stinging her eyes again. 'I miss him so much.'
'Right,' sad Izzie. 'That's it. He's moved away and you're not getting back together any time soon. We're gonna help you get over him. Aren't we Cristina?'
'We are?' she asked dryly.
'We are. Okay. I know this guy called George who is super sweet and one hundred percent single. I'm gonna get him to take you out to dinner and even if you don't like him it's a step forward in moving on from…. What was your boyfriends name?'
'Derek.' Meredith breathed. 'Derek Shepherd.'
Thank you for reading! Please review X