Unexpected Stress

Peter POV

Peter's day wasn't going spectacularly well. It wasn't going bad… just it was being encompassed by a lot of unexpected stress. It wasn't every day that Tony Stark hires you for an 'Internship' that includes a trip to Germany. That was why he was currently praying that Tony had provided a sufficient excuse to Aunt May which would get him a free pass from school to go to friggen Germany. Hopefully the whole internship façade would cover that. She'd left the house moments after to fetch him a new phone charger since his was broken and she needed hourly updates from him.

However… packing got… delayed. Kinda.

Humming the theme tune to Star Wars, he stuffed his pajamas into his mini suitcase; there was a high chance that he'd forgotten something but… honestly that was the least of his concerns with where he was going. So long as he had his Spiderman suit packed he was set. Peter was just finished attempting to cram all his 'casual' clothes into his suitcase, when spider sense went haywire and a sudden bright blue flash of light cracked on his bed which made him impulsively spring upwards onto the ceiling with a startled yell. Interestingly enough, another yell sounded in the air, this one projecting a far deeper voice than Peters; a blur of red and black rolled across his bed and tumbled onto the ground.

Peter stared with his mouth hanging open, the bright light faded now. There, on his bedroom floor was a person wearing… a black and red leather suit. Peter assumed from the yell that this was a male. The man groaned and pushed himself up. "Alright Cable is gonna be so pissed now..." He murmured, shaking his head then registering the room properly. "Let's hope I landed in the right Spidey universe this time… so many rewrites."

"What- what-?! Who are you?" Peter blurted out before he could stop himself, attracting the attention of the… rather muscular, masked person on his bedroom floor.

"Baby boy! This really is the right universe!" The man exclaimed excitedly, bouncing to his feet and outstretching his hands towards Peter who flinched against the ceiling some more, then the man took a step back in realization. "Oh. Oh. You really are a baby boy. Oh. You know I really should have thought this through some more. But my god look at you! You're even more adorable- you're practically a fetus!"

Peter furrowed his eyebrows "Why are you in my room? How did you even…?" he trailed off in confusion, sliding back down to the ground and flexing his wrists ready to shoot the mystery person with webs if needs be.

The man hunched over and laughed, pointing one finger at Peter "Listen webs, because I'm currently in the wrong part of our timeline to actually make a joke about you lowkey threatening to shoot your webbing all over me I'm going to give myself a mental pack on the back for will power, and tell you that man you need to take it easy. I forgot how up-tight you used to be."

"Forgot how… what are you talking about I've never met you in my life! How do you know that I'm spider- I'm not- how do you…?" Peter retorted, flustering slightly at somebody knowing his identity. Well… he did just stick to the ceiling.

"Details shmetails." The man waved him off then marched on over "Well, down to business, we need to go like right now before you hop on a spaceship and royally fuck everything over with bucket head and the magic doctor. Like right now, so hurry up." The man began shooing him towards the door.

Peter firmly held his ground and glared "Look buddy, I don't know who you are or how you got here but I'm not going anywhere with you. I don't know of any spaceships or… magic doctors even though that sounds insanely cool. Is this some sort of test? Did Mr. Stark send you?"

"Nope. I came here by my own accord which should hopefully earn me some brownie points! Wait- what do you mean you don't know the magic doctor? You're telling me you haven't met him yet? Strange. Hang on no- I'm getting all muddled. My bad. You meet him on the spaceship… I think…sort of… maybe…what year is it?"

"… dude what rock have you been living under? It's 2018."

The man flailed in annoyance, hitting his own leg "Dammit! Twenty Gay Teen of course. I was two years out! So close. So, you're what? 16? 12? 11? You look 16."

"Usually I don't give my age out to men who break into my room wearing skin tight leather." Peter drawled out, still processing what was happening.

The man cocked his head sideways, amused "You say that like I'm not the first skin tight leather suit wearing badass to break into your bedroom."

"That's not what I meant- who are you!?" Peter demanded.

"Oh, I'm sorry! my bad. I forgot you won't know me yet. Pleased to meet you for the second time Petey!" The man outstretched his hand eagerly.

"You literally didn't say who the hell you are." Peter deadpanned him, ignoring the hand and the fact this total stranger knew his name.

"Watch that potty mouth Petey, and from now on I'm your guardian fucking angel. Maybe not fucking. You're underage. And sexually frustrated still." The man said, eyes going elsewhere for a moment then he shook himself out of it and hit himself in the head.

Peter glared "I'm not- what? I'm… I'm really lost right now." He admitted.

The man beamed through the mask and bounced over, patting Peter on the head despite Peter jerking away. "Nothing spidey-widey! Don't you worry about it. DP Guardian Angel has it all under control. DP stands for Disastrously Planned. Or Delicious Pants but you're only allowed to use that nickname after the first time we officially meet."

"This is the first time we've met" Peter pointed out then felt himself grow somehow even more uncomfortable "… and I'm not calling you that… ever."

"Oh-ho-ho. Say that again in ten years…" DP murmured humorously. "Now I need to Tardis away again to stop you from drawing inspiration from David Tennant. So without further adoo… Allon-zi!."

The man punched a circular contraption in his hand and the same bright light shone for a second, before leaving Peter standing alone once again in his bedroom riddled with confusion.

What just happened?

Hi, Deadpool here. I bet you're thinking 'oh, the description said Deadpool was saving his Spider-BOYFRIEND but Peter's only young in this story' Well first off, I need to save Spidey before me and him get to live happily ever after. Secondly, me and him don't even hit it off until he's at least 22. Or at least if everything goes according to plan. You know, time travel can get messy.

So, before you go titling me as a pedophile, I would just like to clarify that I would not be in this position had some ugly bitch of a shriveled up, purple grape not gone and fucked the universe up the a-hole and wiped my baby boy from it. How do I know about that if I'm from the future? Details Shmetails. Well, I can tell you that it had something to do with a certain magic doctors tiny time ball, if you know what I mean. And, I'm Deadpool. I just know, okay?

Now sit back and stop that worrying because I can sense it through the screen and I'm not about to make any moves on Spidey when he's riddled with this much hormones and teenage angst. That and he's got to grow out of that damn awful addiction to Lego before we get together otherwise I'm going to go all the way back and shoot the guy who invented Lego in the balls three times since that basically equates to the level of agony one experiences when standing on one of those little blocks of pain.

As I was saying, we're working in the past here, I'm doing a service to the damn universe by coming all this way just to save one guy dressed in spandex. Half the universe to be precise. That is if my plan works… which it might not. A lot of my plans have been going tits up lately. I know, this might end up as my personal version of Titanic where I hit an ice-burg and go down with my Spideypool ship, essentially fucking over a bunch of people with me. But, if my calculations are correct there's at least like a 30% chance of success on this one. Don't worry.

You know I'm pretty sure Colossus once told me that love is the greatest weapon of all. That sounds like something unbelievably corny that he'd say. And that's exactly what this is, a love story. Like Titanic! Only this one is going to be packed with guns, blood and me trying not to set Thanos up with Colossus. Oh yeah, Bet that's an image you never wanted in your head. You're in the Deadpool monologue right now, none of the Peter PG Parker shit.

Still, this is a love story.

Probably. 30% chance of being one anyway.

Could love be the greatest weapon of all? I don't know. Huey Lewis and the News seemed to think love was pretty damn powerful. I guess we'll find out.

Now if you'll excuse me I need to take a short break from saving my baby boy so that I can stop Green Lantern from ever happening, but don't worry I won't be gone long. Ta-ta!