Blackadder - A Rare Hero
A single gunshot echoed over the trenches as the ever idiotic Lieutenant George Colhurst St. Barleigh raised his left hand over the top of trench and extended his middle finger in jest at the German sniper hidden somewhere in no-man's-land as rapturous laughter filled the trenches at the inept sniper. If it wasn't for the game created by one of the privates they would just have continued to shoot the rats that had begun biting their legs not so long ago.
The game consisted of drawing a smiley face on a metal plate and holding it over the trenches as if someone was looking over the top only to be greeted by the bullet of the moronic sniper, it all worked in practice except for the sniper has yet too hit a single plate, much to the enjoyment of the men.
"Well golly" he almost got the that time men"
A voice came from the crowd almost laughing as he spoke.
"Three cheers for the sniper… Hip-hip… no takers? Screw you all, you're no fun!"
"Forgive me Lieutenant… but perhaps you should look at your hand"
The ever droll and idiotic voice of Private S. Baldrick called out as the Lieutenant looked down at his left hand dripping with blood.
"Golly! It appears the sniper has hit my hand… Ohh my!"
Almost the instant he saw the blood running from his finger, the Lieutenant's eyes rolled up into his head as his legs gave way and he passed out much to the laughter of the men.
His eyes opened slowly as his vision cleared, he was in a white room with clean walls, even a window dressed with a nice clean curtain. Smiling he looked around as his a face appeared in his vision.
"Mehhhhhhh Lieutenant! Breathing once more I see!"
"Gen… General?"
"Who else do you think George?"
"Well, golly this is a shocker… what am I doing here?"
"You where shot son by a blasted German Sniper of all things"
The clear sarcastic voice of Captain Edmund Blackadder echoed threw the small room.
"Yes Lieutenant, it seems the General rushed you here when he heard, tell the General just how it happened"
"Umm… Sniper sir, got my hand"
"Don't worry George we'll get that German Bastard for you I've already sent three thousand men into no-man's-land to find him. You'll a medal for this son"
"Pardon me General, but Three Thousand Men? for one Moron who flipped off a German? Are you drunk or an idiot?"
"Nothing of the sort Slack-bladder…just doing my job, taking care of the men is my Number One Priority"
"Unbelievable…"
Replied Blackadder, as he turned to leave three nurses ran into the room giggling like school girls as they looked at the injured lieutenant.
"Is this the one General? Who bravely faced that horrible German Sniper?"
"This is him ladies…"
Sarcastically Edmund turned and laughed as he left the room saying too himself.
"Incredible, he flips off a sniper, gets nothing but a paper cut… but he gets three Hootie MacBoob and a bloody medal for comfort mean while the moron General sends in three thousand men to look for one inept sniper… Not two brain cells to rub together to star a fire…"
As he closed the door behind him a voice rang out threw the hospital corridor as footsteps pounded on the floor in a flat out sprint.
"Cap'n B?…"
"Speaking of inept and not enough brain cells… what is it Baldrick?"
With a smile the scruffy and horrible stench that was Private S. Baldrick spoke with words that made about as much sense as a wet fart.
"I brung some flowers for the brave Lieutenant…"
"Flowers Baldrick? Where the hell did you get some flowers?"
"From that big metal room down the road"
"That's the bloody morgue Baldrick… and I don't think that flowers can bleed…"
"Whoopsiee…"
"Baldrick what starts with five fingers and ends in ouch?"
"I don't know sir! what does start with five fingers and ends in ouch?"
With a smile Blackadder held up his right hand, made a fist and punched the private in his face, taking a deep breath he turned and left the corridor with a slight hop in his step.
Back at the trenches Private Baldrick was nursing a black eye as the Captain looked at the daily casualty reports with a deep sigh.
"Three thousand sent in, no one returned… all because of one moronic joke…"
Suddenly Baldrick started to laugh slightly as Blackadder looked up from his reports.
"What is it now?"
"What starts with five fingers and ends in ouch? That's funny!"
"Baldrick… that was two days ago…"
"I know, I just got the joke…"
"I'm living with a bunch of morons… Actually speaking of morons…"
A call of booing and guns being loaded came from outside as Lieutenant George Colhurst St. Barleigh entered the small filth ridden room with his usual glazed over smile, completely oblivious to anything going on outside his own little world.
"George… I see the men have noticed your back"
"Notice anything Different Captain B?"
Proudly George held out his chest as the light from the burning candles dimly illuminated a shiny medal on his chest.
Blackadder's eyes almost popped out of his head as the medal on his chest was clearly the Victoria Cross, as if the last two days hadn't been strange enough the idiot who caused all the blood shed had been given one of the highest medals in British Military history. Throwing his hands up in the air Blackadder stepped out of his chair and left the room in silence, with a look too Baldrick, George followed the captain who by the time they left the small smelly room the captain was atop of the ladder and stepping over the wire into no-man's-land.
Laughing manically his eyes where aflame as bullets bounced on the floor around him as he walked towards a small tree in the distance, with a dark look in his eyes he froze as out of the corner of his eye he saw the unmistakable flash of a rifle, smiling he turned and walked towards the flash and aimed his pistol at the man laid on the floor.
In an instant he burst into laughter as he looked down at the soldier laid in the mud surrounded by army issue rations.
"You're the sniper that has caused all this trouble?"
"You speak perfect English for a German swine!"
Still laughing Blackadder looked at the sniper and drew his army issue revolver and pointed it at the man before motioning him to stand and walk, slowly the soldier stood and picked up his rifle by it's stock and began to walk with the Captain back too the trenches, with the sound of machine gun fire echoing in the back ground and the spatter of bullet hits on the ground around them they both walked towards the home trench as the sniper looked around at his captor and spoke with no respect.
"You German swine, you have captured your sniper"
"I am Captain Edmund Blackadder of HIS Majesties Expeditionary Forces, you've been shooting your own men you IDIOT!"
Shocked the sniper stopped and looked at the uniform Edmund was wearing and began too laugh slightly before realisation hit him.
"Ohh my god! I must have gotten lost in that mud pile, turned around and thought it was the enemy trench, Captain I am so sorry"
"Save it for your court-martial Private"
With a smile Edmund lead his prisoner into his office where his company clerk Baldrick was sat at a table preparing lunch something looks like road kill.
"Hello Cap'n B… making lunch"
"And what culinary disaster are you making?"
"A steak lunch sir…"
"A steak? Where the hell did you get a steak out here?"
"A van crashed and the men raided it, I managed to get somefing for us. How does Steak, mashed potatoes, peas and gravy sound?"
"Like your looking for a promotion Private"
"Nooo Cap'n B just lunch"
Once again the sound of rifles being loaded echoed into the Captain's office as Lieutenant George entered with his usual glazed over look in his eyes.
"Ahh Captain, have a nice walk?"
"Sod OFF Lieutenant"
"Isn't it customary to salute the Victoria Cross Captain?"
Slowly Edmund raised his hand and extended his middle finger to George, with out looking as he began too read the daily reports.
"That's not the official salute sir?"
"George, the day I salute you is the day I French kiss a skunk"
"You as well sir?"
"Shut up Baldrick"
After what was by far the best lunch Blackadder had since he stepped foot in the trenches, he leaned back with a sense of satisfaction as he released his belt another notch smiled deeply.
"Baldrick, that was by far the best meal I have ever had… I may have to promote you"
From outside a rather feminine voice called out as Blackadder sighed at the recognition of the voice, while General Melchett and Captain Darling entered the barracks.
"Hello Darling, General"
With a twitch in his eye the Captain spoke abrasively.
"That's CAPTAIN Darling to you Blackadder"
"Come-Come now Darling… you are speaking too a true hero, the man who stopped that Dastardly sniper… A true Hero in every sense of the word"
"Actually…"
Quickly Blackadder changed what he was about to say, much too his own surprise.
"… It was the Private I brought back who really saved the day, He killed the sniper and turned his gun on the Germans"
"What?"
"Isn't that right Baldrick?"
"Umm, I fink so… not sure Cap'n B"
The repressed and beaten down Captain Darling spoke up next.
"Really? Where is this Hero?"
"Talking with the men Darling…"
Once more the twitch in his eye began, much too the amusement of Blackadder.
Two hours later…
After a ceremony in honour of the 'Hero' the General and his assistant turned to leave the trenches with the newly promoted Lieutenant at their side as the General spoke with a sense of amazement at the heroism of the young man at his side.
"You've done great lad, your new promotion is only the start of this… more too the point a free ticket home, you'll be eating bangers and mash before and pint down your local pub the day is out. You've earned that medal, you heroic bastard you!"
Anger spilled over deep inside Blackadder as he turned and entered his barracks as the sound of a scream irrupted from inside.
"OHH MY GOD NOOOOO!"
Slowly he walked back outside and smiled as Captain Darling walked back towards him with a smug grin on his face.
"Well Blackadder, it's always fun to see you… by the way, did you find those men who high jacked the General's wagon?"
Blackadder smiled slightly as he slowly shook his head and turned before he began to laugh, suddenly another scream came from inside the trench as George ran out in a panic looking around the muddy puddles and dirt covered floors as Blackadder walked past him.
"Lost something Lieutenant?"
"My medal, it's gone Captain…"
"Ohh? These things happen around here, you can't trust anyone. Can you?"
Story by
GW Ryan.