Episode VI: Ditchin' Love…the Punishment Due
Part 1: If you want Convenience, Prepare for War
[Two guards are in a prison. No, they're GUARDING it.]
Danpaul: Who are we keeping in here?
Mamba: Someone very dangerous. So dangerous we put this person behind a brick wall made of CONCRETE.
Danpaul: Then how do we see him?
Mamba: Him?
Danpaul: SERIOUSLY!
Mamba: Of course not. And the fact is we don't.
Danpaul: Then what about that door right there guarded by two Palpatine Bodyguards?
Mamba: Yeah, good point. Excuse me guys, we are here to give the prisoner the daily Breakfast Deluxe with a Decaf Mocha-Hazelnut Soy Latte.
[They open the door. There's a big surprise.]
Danpaul: There's no one in here.
Mamba: SWEET JESUS OF SIBERIA!
[They sound the fire alarm. Outside the prison walls in the mountains shows the prisoner's dark outline.]
Part 2: Vampires will Never Hurt-Oh, wait. Nvm.
[Bart wakes up.]
Bart: SWEET TWILIGHT LAMBRIGINIO!
TR: Oh, good morning, Ba-oh my Good Charlotte!
Bart: Please don't go there. One wannabe poser punk band is enough. [TR just stares.] What? Is there something on my face?
TR: Actually, it's your whole face.
[Bart looks in the mirror to find pale skin and moderately fanged incisors.]
TR: Hey, how come your reflection still shows in the mirror? And don't act like it's my fault. I was awake the whole night staring at the bloody window.
[Flashback: TR and Z-Man are staring at the window on a rainy day.]
TR: Hey look…a window.
Bart: But how did this happen? All I remembered was this dream of some strange figure escaping prison.
TR: Maybe the future is trying to tell you something. You think he was a vampire?
Bart: But according to the guide to modern vampires, a vampire will not drink the blood of the same sex unless either the victim's bleeding, or the vampire is gay.
TR: On the lighter side, how many Punk Rockers do you know?
Bart: SID VICIOUS! JOHNNY ROTTEN! JOE STRUMMER! HUSKER DÜ! LEMMY FROM MOTÖRHEAD! MARK HOPPUS! TOM DELONGE! TRAVIS BARKER! DEFINITELY NOT GOOD CHAROLETTE! BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG! TRE COOL! EDGAR JESUS BAÑUELOS! ALEX SORKIN! BLAKE WAGNER! SOME OLD LADY! SOME OTHER OLD LADY! AND PETE SHELLEY! Oh, and FRANK RACCOON IS A LIE!
[They're in the lab.]
Jango Fett: No, these readings are impossible! Bart is turning into a vampire!
TR: What's a vampire?
Dengar: A vampire is like Michael Jackson. They're pale skinned, they were better 2 decades ago but are still better than Justin Bieber, and they like doing strange things to kids like Bart.
Bart: Ok, not Michael Jackson that much. But I'm BECOMING A VAMPIRE! But I don't have vampire markings.
Jango Fett: Apparently, it has something to do with your strange dreams.
TR: Ok, so apparently either Bart bleeds in his sleep, or the escaped prisoner is Michael Jackson, or Michael Jackson watches him in his sleep, or…
Dengar: Do the Raxxians really hate Captain EO that much? Damn!
Jango Fett: This dream was no coincidence. A prisoner actually did escape from prison. A prison that's meant to keep just him, and no one else. And we must hunt this person down.
TR: Finally, the Bounty Hunter Force Five is living up to its name! No more cheesy romance subplots or car-wash fundraisers! We finally get to do some BOUNTY HUNTIN'!
Bart: Fine, but I still wonder why this is going on. Plus, I don't have to go see that horror movie Charlie dared me to go to with Gena. I don't care how disappointed they both will be.
[Hitchin' a Ride.]
Jango Fett: So the fugitive is said to have headed through the Outer Mid Rim.
TR: Is that near Ireland?
Jango Fett: Ugh, never mind. You've drained my will to logic.
Dengar: Logic isn't a verb.
Jango Fett: Exactly.
TR: Oh, I get it.
Bart: The fugitive is said to have headed to Dagobah.
TR: Dagobah. Nobody ever leaves that place alone anymore. Fugitives all go there to escape the law. And get this. THERE WAS A HUGE BATTLE THERE ONCE!
Bart: No. That was only that in Star Wars Battlefront II.
TR: And I thought PANDEMIC WAS AWESOME!
Dengar: SHUT-UP-A-YOUR FACE! Pandemic is EPIC!
Jango Fett: Ok, some witnesses believe the escaped criminal is in Dagobah. TR, Bart, and Assassin J2 will head there.
Assassin J2: Yo, whazzup? I'm Dr. Seuss. And I love green eggs and ham.
Jango Fett: Take those stupid glasses off.
Assassin J2: Sheesh. I was just trying to give some motivation. I got these from Run-D.M.C themselves!
Jango Fett: Just go, before TR becomes addicted with that stupid My Sims Earth game.
TR: [On the computer.] OH NO! THE BUNNIES ARE TAKING OVER THE WORLD AGAIN! WHY WON'T THESE DAMN HURRICANES DO ANYTHING? MAYBE I SHOULD TRY A CATACALYSMIC EARTHQUAKE! OH SHIT! THE PEOPLE ARE FORMING A REBELLION! [Tiny people reach out of the computer and try to pull him in with porches and pitchforks.] AAGGGHHH!
Jango Fett: [Pulls the plug out.] TR, why did we even get you this computer?
TR: [Head is broken through monitor.] Because I was good?
Z-Man: Let's go.
[They get dropped off at a clearing in Canada. Whoops. Did I say Canada? I meant Dagobah.]
Jango Fett: Now it looks dangerous and dark. So please make sure you get the right weapons.
Assassin J2: Shotgun, BAR, and Colt .45 like always.
Bart: How about the Thompson?
Assassin J2: Trade you the BAR. Oh, and the guitar stays.
TR: Beam Rifle, Gavini Stick, Blue Öyster Cult CD's, all check.
Bart: BAR, check. Slingshot, check. Firecrackers, check. Stink bombs, check.
Jango Fett: Uh, Bart. Last time I checked, this wasn't Bully. A boarding school is not under control of you. And your mom isn't on a year-long honeymoon. And this jerk named Gary isn't trying to get everyone to mutilate you. And there isn't a short wimpy kid named Petey who you abuse. And you can't just make out with fat chicks by giving them chocolates. And there isn't an alcoholic English teacher who the math teacher tortures at your school. But you do get this bull mascot disguise.
Bart: Uh, no thanks.
Jango Fett: Hell yes you are! I just spoke for 1 minute and 32 seconds just to lead to that!
[Bart, TR, and Assassin J2 leave the Slave I.]
TR: Why is it us?
Jango Fett: It came to Assassin J2 in a dream.
Assassin J2: Ever since, I was never afraid to sleep again.
Bart: So are you going to back us up in case of-
Jango Fett: Of course not.
[They get in the ship. The ship takes off. The ship shifts into hyperspeed.]
Assassin J2: I guess we're on our own.
TR: At least I need no nervousness for suspense.
[TR turns on CD and listens to Cities in Flames with Rock 'n' Roll.]
Bart: I'm scared.
TR: Well, just don't separate-
[Bart's BAR is all that remains.]
TR: Whoa.
Assassin J2: Yeah. I wonder who's next-
[Flash. TR is replaced by a piece of paper.]
Assassin J2: TR? [Reads paper.] TR has gone home. Damn you TR! I gotta find shelter.
[At BHF5 HQ.]
Jango Fett: Good. Now that they're gone, we can finally have peace…What the hell?
TR: Hey, whazzup.
Jango Fett: WHAT THE FLARG ARE YOU DOING HERE!
TR: TR has gone home. Didn't you check your Roblox account? Right now, TR has gone home.
Jango Fett: I don't have a Roblox account.
Dengar: I did, I just didn't wanna read it.
TR: Assassin J2 is still lost, but Bart is really missing.
Jango Fett: I wonder…
Part 3: Random Part inserted so not just the first page has parts
[Meanwhile, back at Dagobah…]
Assassin J2: [Looking around with his shotgun.] Must find shelter.
[Assassin J2 sees Yoda.]
Yoda: Lost, are you? Hmmp?
Assassin J2: Oh, c'mon. Of all the people to meet!
Yoda: Purple, the sky is getting. Shelter, you must find.
Assassin J2: Of course. Your little house you made out of sod. Way to outwit the big bad wolf.
Yoda: This bar, I actually meant.
[There's a nearby bar.]
Assassin J2: Way better than a BAR. Plus, that means you won't have to steal my lunch.
[Bart wakes up.]
Bart: [Grunts.] Where the Hoth am I?
Figure: You're in a place.
Bart: Am I dead? Did I just die and go to heaven?
[Figure reveals Sarah.]
Bart: What do you know? I have died.
[Editor's Note: We received a lot of fan mail asking what the Hoth happened to Sarah. No, not really, we have no fans, but I'm sure you last remember her, Bart, Gena, and Lisa escaping Hoth. Sarah must've left the ship for some reason. So that's the answer if you're wondering whatever the Hoth happened to Sarah. PS: There really was no fan mail.]
Bart: Are you an angel?
Sarah: No. I'm your worst nightmare.
Bart: Who are you?
Sarah: Didn't you read the editor's note?
Bart: !
Sarah: That's right. I'm sure you can see I changed.
Bart: Actually you're still your gothy girly self. Now where am I?
Sarah: You're in Dagobah. Oh, and on Fox 11.
Bart: I know that! Where in Dagobah am I? Same to Fox 11!
Sarah: Uh, near the tree of hope. In this strange looking cave filled with enough ammo and good firing positions to rip a Chinook apart.
Bart: Ok, what's a Chinook? And WHERE AM I?
Sarah: I told you.
Bart: Oh, yeah. Right.
[Back at a bar.]
Assassin J2: So who are you people?
Poe: We're swamp hobos.
Assassin J2: Well, it's what you get for living here.
Poe: Hoboing in swamps is the worst. The only living things are bacteria, and whenever I scrape together enough money to buy a sandwich, Yoda just uses the Force to steal it.
Yoda: Aheeheehee!
Assassin J2: Zoinks!
Poe: Well, we must lock up now. There's a wolf on the loose. And all we have in weaponry are rubber band shooters.
Assassin J2: You mean that giant wolf in the distance?
Poe: SHI-ERLOCK!
[They lock it up using mattresses.]
Poe: Why are we using mattresses?
Assassin J2: It came to me in a dream.
[They're all locked up.]
Yoda: Scared, I am.
Poe: Where's the narrator?
[Right here.]
Present and accounted for.
Poe: Get out of here double bracket or whatever!
Assassin J2: Ew, what's that smell?
Yoda: Me, that was. Sorry.
Assassin J2: Did you remember to lock the back door?
[Everyone looks at Poe.]
Poe: It's always me, isn't it…?
[Poe disappears.]
Assassin J2: Ok, plan B. We panic.
Person: Did we have a plan A?
Assassin J2: Oh, yeah. Go for Anarchy.
Yoda: Like the Sons of Liberty, you mean?
Assassin J2: Yeah. Wait, you know the Sons of Liberty?
Yoda: Why, all the members that many people thought to have died there are, like Sid Vicious. Joe Strummer. Kurt Cobain. Dee Dee Ramone. Johnny Ramone. Marky Ramone. Joey Ramone. Steve Jones. And some old guy.
Assassin J2: You mean yourself?
Yoda: Yeah. Exactly.
[The wolf breaks in.]
Marky: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…..!
[The wolf claws Marky.]
Joey: OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED MARKY!
Dee Dee: YOU BASS-
[The Wolf claws Dee Dee then leaves. Dee Dee survives but is badly injured.]
Assassin J2: How long has this been happening?
Joey: Few days. They already killed Johnny.
Johnny: I'm right here!
Joey: I meant Johnny Rotten.
Assassin J2: I'M GOING CRAZY!
[Back at the Near Tree of Hope.]
Bart: Huh, what is thi-[Sarah isn't around.] I guess she was just an inigment of my imagination.
Sarah: Oh, I'm still real.
[Bart swings his arm at her.]
Sarah: I'm not a mirage!
[Bart stares at-]
Sarah: My eyes are up here!
[Yeah, that's a clue that he was staring at her SHADOW!]
Sarah: Bart, are you inverted peach melf floom meeg-?
[Sarah starts melting into a puddle.]
Bart: Okay, next year, I listen during Red Ribbon Week.
[Sarah's puddle re-forms into a T-1000. Bart shoots her (it?). Everything explodes. Bart wakes up and goes outside.]
Bart: A purple sky?
Sarah: Either that or black rain.
Bart: I think I would rather choose black rain.
[The intro for Black Rain plays. TELEPATHASM]
Jango Fett: You can just always find something pathetic and make people give in to it. You're harder to get rid of than Roger!
Roger: Did I hear my name?
Dengar: Get outta here, man!
Roger: Roger! Roger!
[Hops away and gets caught in a Poke ball by some kid.]
[The ship shifts to hyperdrive to Dagobah.]
Z-Man: Wait. My mistake. Forgot to carry the 2. The thief is on Malastare.
Alec: Hey, maybe that could be my tagline!
TR: Keep 'em guessing.
Alec: [Passes a note.] (Can I drive?)
Jango Fett: (No.)
Alec: (But…)
Jango Fett: (Never.)
Alec: (C'mon! MYEEEAAAHHHH!)
Edgar: You think Jango Fett is epic, right?
Alec: Maybe.
Edgar: Well, we can't finish this script until we know for sure.
Jango Fett: Ya know, you can drive.
Alec: Yes he is epic.
[Back at the swamp thing.]
Assassin J2: How the heck could he leave us like that?
Yoda: A way to pass the time, I have.
[Baby plays.]
Assassin J2: Ah, screw this!
[Assassin J2 takes out his guitar and plays "Flarg" the USA.]
Johnny: Know Ace of Spades?
Assassin J2: Sorry. I don't.
Alex: I NEED TO CAMEO IN EVERY EPISODE!
[Bart runs in.]
Assassin J2: Where the bollocks've' you been?
Bart: I got strangled by what I thought was one of my 7 ex-girlfriends. And guess what, it was. Now could you please get her off me?
Sarah: I'm right here, respecting your space.
Bart: You're gonna have to be more further than that. And don't say that one thing that I'd rather die than hear from you.
Sarah: But I LUV YOU!
Bart: Damn! Now I can't kill myself! Wait, this is a stupid script!
[The subtitles say "This is the best script EVUR!"]
Bart: Wait! I didn't say that!
I love Sarah.
Bart: WAIT! DON'T LISTEN TO THE SUBTITLES! THEY'RE EVIL!
I'm saying that I love subtitles too and that I'm saying every subtitle.
Bart: [BLEEP]ING NARRATOR!
I love you, narrator.
Bart: Alright fine. I admit it. I love you Sarah.
GO THROW YOURSELF INTO THE SARLAAC PIT! GET OUTTA MY TV SHOW.
Sarah: How could you say that?
Bart: Are you going to believe what you see or what you hear?
Sarah: Good point.
[SPOILER ALERT! SARAH IS PARTIALLY BLIND!]
Assassin J2: Holy shoot! Iit's the wwerewolf!
Sarah: IIT'S SSO HHEAVY, OOUR WWORDS AARE RRUMBLING!
[The werewolf falls into a random trap.]
Assassin J2: Let's see who the monster really is.
[It's Mamba.]
Everyone: Mamba!
Mamba: Yes. It was me.
Danpaul: But why?
Mamba: Because I needed to capture the thief.
[The thief is running in the distance. Johnny jumps on him.]
Johnny: THE THEIF IS REALLY POE!
Mamba: That's who I was trying to talk about.
Assassin J2: But why'd you still come after us?
Mamba: It's called strategy.
Poe: And I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling punks! At least Dee Dee: What can we say? We are the Sons of Liberty.
[God Save the Queen plays. Marky dies.]
Joey: OH, MY GOD! MARKY DIED!
Dee Dee: No comment.
Bart: So, are you gonna stay here?
Sarah: Actually I was thinking of going back to Earth. Where Earth fruit lives up to its name.
Bart: Just remember I don't have a crush on you.
I WANNA SEE YOUR SHADOW!
Sarah: I'm sorry, subtitles. What was that?
Bart: I said JUST friends.
Suck it up, you pansy.
[Meanwhile.]
Jango Fett: How much more longer now?
Z-Man: It's only another parsec.
TR: [From back room.] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
[Mad silence.]
TR: TR should've gone home.
[End]