Title: Thank you, but no thanks (Because I have no idea what to title this fic even after I finish with this oneshot)
Genre: Angst and Friendship
Summary: When being normal is the norm and he felt like there is something not normal to him then he met Sai. He met him twice then Sai followed him with his own touchy-feely gestures and made his normal directionless life changed. Thank you, Sai but.. AU. Hikaru's POV. Platonic Relationship. Human Sai. Oneshot. May 5th fic.
A/N: Writing this oneshot for Hikago day even if I am busy with work though, this is short. I wrote this for only few hours before Hikago day. This is Unbetaed. Anyway, Happy Hikago Day!~ :~) I'll be reading and remembering all the touchy feelings of the Hikago day.
Disclaimer: I don't own Hikaru no Go, I don't wanna be sued if I tell otherwise.
~Thank you, but no thanks~
In a world where everything normal is a norm and anything not belonging to it is cast aside, he have grown in a normal family life, of a normal always-working father, typical housewife as a mother and normal loving and boastful grandpa. But despite living and growing up in a normal household, there is always that feeling of abnormality to him ever since he was a child. He didn't know exactly when or why he started thinking that there was something not normal with him but that thought have already embedded onto him and thus he is forced to act normal, love everything normal, and despise everything outside of the norm which is all sets of prejudices.
He knew that all the normal people have their set of prejudice in everything outside of the norm. He saw what it brought people and he is almost afraid to experience it first-hand.
One time when there was a gay on one of his schoolmates, when that secret came out that certain student was judged and sneered by everyone then he ended up being scorned and isolated. He doesn't like everyone's behaviour towards that schoolmate but he wasn't that selfless to defend that person so he ended up doing nothing and looking elsewhere as if he didn't see anything amiss. He disliked himself for it, and hated those prejudice on his community.
He have grown into a young man with normal kind of living, going to school and attending high school because he was told to do so while on the inside he was undecided on what to do with his life. Maybe he could follow his father's footstep into the office work even if he know it himself that, that kind of work doesn't suit him, and he dislike it as well. But he was undecided and lost.
His life was a shadow, always following others footstep and never stepping outside of those shadows. It was an unsatisfying life and he never felt accomplished for all he did because he never did anything that is only for himself, only for his family, only for a show. He have grown to dislike himself because of this kind of life. He wanted direction.
He wanted to step out of the norm, to go his own way, and to shine through it all but he wouldn't take that step. He was a coward, always behind other's shadow, such a pathetic existence. He have grown to despise other people for making him a coward.
When he met that person who always shine, he thought that he would only see that person once then forget about that person altogether then continue his nonlife. But he felt a slight feeling of jealousy of that person and so, he tried to meet that person for a second time, and he did. He thought that when he met that person once again, his passing jealousy would go and it's now gone, then he could move on with his life. However he was proven wrong on the latter. That person took notice of him and began to follow him, in an almost obsessive behaviour and made him want to return the favour with the same dedication but not the same fervour.
It was a childish and laughable whim, he admitted it but he didn't think that he was capable of it. He was always acting normal, always following, always on other's footstep, he never knew that he could dominate his own life, and dominate he did. And it felt nice, a sort of giddy excitement, a thrill he lack in his life, it was spectacular and he now knew what he want with his life.
The prejudice he expected wouldn't stop him, nor make him pause on his steps, he would run a mile like a bullet train.
Go, it was a part of the norm, bordering non-norm due to the new generation not liking and playing it. He doesn't like the game which is normal, even when he could feel a slight tinge on his fingers when he touch the stones when he was a kid, he didn't try to learn the game, because young people like him playing Go is outside of the norm and look down upon by other young people.
But when it was introduced to him, he wanted to learn and the slight tinge he felt when he was a kid never disappeared and maybe it stayed – that soft tinge – because it was meant to happen, he was meant to play. Though he acted like a stubborn bull when his mentor tried to make him learn the game for three months as a show because young people playing Go is outside of the norm and he is still couldn't drop what he have grown up to. On another matter, his mentor just knew it was a show and thus remained stubborn like a brick wall of the great wall of China, much to his ever growing embarrassment and amusement for his mentor's part.
Playing Go, it was the direction his life is heading to and it's because of his mentor with his ever obsessive behaviour. As for why he says that his mentor have an obsessive behaviour, it's because he was perfect looking, modest and polite – even more so – like those big company owners, CEO or even actors but when they are talking about things that interest him. He would have that excited look in his eyes and he would start being touchy-feely all of the sudden which makes him uncomfortable, being a guy and all. But Sai is like that, Sai not being an excitable puppy and touchy feely isn't the Sai he knew and that would be off-putting and plain weird.
When he said, that Sai being touchy feely, he only meant hugs not this. Sai is literally being weird and this is like being in an intimate relationship and this just, freaks him out.
"Get off, Sai!" He huffed in annoyance, as he tried to wiggle his right lower arm from Sai's deathly grip, and his other hand trying to pry off Sai's hand to no avail. That only made him let out a long suffering annoyed sigh bordering resignation at his current suffering.
Sai didn't let go, merely pulled him even closer and it's definitely weird. He called out Sai's name in annoyance with a final thug but Sai continued holding him close. And now Sai pulled him even closer, he just knew that his nose will bump on Sai's nose if only they are on the same height. "Sai!" He yelled in panic because he couldn't stop feeling that if what's between them is a relationship then from the look of it, he isn't the domineering partner, and isn't that weird because they aren't even in a relationship to begin with.
Sai remained silent all this time, but Sai keep looking at him with that same intense penetrating gaze yet something more, like a faltering emotion which he couldn't discern because that emotion disappeared fast before he could dissect it and identify.
"Sai?" He inquired in a worried tone, with a frown on his lips because something on his guts tells him that there is something of concern Sai isn't telling and Sai never remained silent when he is being touchy-feely.
Sai's lips pulled upward into a wistful smile, his eyes now lighting with delight and then Sai slowly reaches down on him, then pressed his forehead on his forehead. "I just want to be near you, it makes me feel better when you're near me, with me, Hikaru." Sai stated with a smile, but there is a forlorn note on his voice.
"That's gross, you know." He said with an annoyed huff but didn't move, his lips pulled into a smile. Sai's smile only grew wider when he answered then Sai suddenly pulled him into a sudden embrace that startled him at first.
Sai clung to him, tight and he felt like he couldn't breath but it's only his heart constricting because Sai is acting like.. he is breaking down. He rested his arms – he didn't even felt when Sai let his arm go earlier – on Sai's back, trying to sooth his mentor slash friend. He caressed his back like what his mother did for him as he whispered softly, "It's alright, Sai. I'm here."
This kind of event, reeks of girlish stuff and he idle wonder how women could stand being this close when comforting their friends but then he realized that being this close to a person feels nice and warm. And Sai needs this, but it instil a question on what happened to Sai to make him act like this?
Sai didn't appear on his home on the time he always go but that's normal, what annoys him is because this time, he waited for two hours already yet Sai didn't even contact him on why he was running late to begin with. Sai is punctual and when he is late, he would call to inform him but from the looks of it now, he is currently swamp with work. Poor Sai, being the son of a big company owner and a member of a famous and wealthy family clan is definitely a heavy burden.
Then there was the ringing of the telephone. Most likely it was Sai calling.
He went downstairs to answer the call and the first word that came from his mouth when he answered is the annoyed voice, "Sai! You're late!" Which is mostly for show, but instead of the same answer he receives from Sai, there was another voice, a woman. "Is this, Shindou Hikaru?"
"Sorry, I mistook you for someone and yes, I am Hikaru." He apologized instantly when the voice began speaking then answer her question.
Just like how Sai changed his life, Sai tilted his life once again.
To learn a big horrible news about Sai is.. mind blanking. The woman's voice rang on his mind in a slur and his vision was spinning that he forget which way is left or right or up and down. When it all sunk in, he already let go of the telephone, stares at it as if not staring at all, pick it up then put it back on where the hell it belong. Then he run upstairs to his room, closed the door with a loud clatter, and finally just lean his back on the wall as his body slide downward, making him sit pathetically on the floor with his unseeing gaze.
Damn you, Sai! He cursed on the confine of his mind, as he closed his eyes shut with his brow creased downward while he gritted his teeth, grinding it tighter to each other as his body let out tremor.
He wasn't weak. But this show how currently weak he is.
He opened his eyes once again, stares on the open window, then stares up at the bright less cloudy sky and he wonders if Sai saw this same scenery as well. He could also see the koi flag outside and it reminded him that today is boy's days. A holiday.. So why the hell is Sai, on a fucking plane on a freaking holiday!? That idiot!
He snarled like a wounded animal, his hands gripping at whatever he could get his hands on as he wreak havoc on his room because everything reminds him that Sai was here with him, stayed with him and Sai felt at home in his room, laughed on his room like he own it, hugs him tightly, squeal when excited and he couldn't just.. couldn't just..
"Uaaahhhh!" He screamed, yelled, or whatever angry sounds he made because he couldn't think, couldn't think properly. He felt wounded on the inside, it hurts, it hurts. It fucking hurts!
Then he was sobbing, shaking like a leaf, moaning in despair, rocking himself, crying, muttering string of curses because Sai is.. freaking gone! The plane he was in fucking.. crashed on a fucking ocean on his way back to Tokyo.. and.. he heaved and continued sobbing and shaking.
... If not being normal would not be this painful…
Then.. he will..
He shook his head.
..He will live his life like an empty obedient and kicked dog because Sai wasn't finished – and never will be – teaching him how to live.
Sai couldn't just leave him in stalemate without direction. Sai was supposed to teach him the intricate way of living. Sai couldn't do that when he is not with him. And how could he learn it when Sai isn't with him? Sai also need to teach him more Go.
Damn it, Sai! You can't just leave abruptly! You haven't told me what's wrong with you the other day! He thought angrily as he wiped his angry fat tears from his red-rimmed eyes and tears-stained cheeks.
..But now that Sai is not with him, how could he live his life?
Maybe it was better if he was normal to begin with because if he did, he wouldn't be hurt like this.
And he wouldn't met Sai.
Then he wouldn't know that on boys day is the day Sai.. left him and he could still live his life living in a normal empty life.
But he doesn't want that kind of life and now he is lost, and the person who could answer him left him.
He doesn't know what to do with his life anymore.
~end~
A/N: How is it? Please READ and REVIEW :~) It took me two hours to finish this short May 5th oneshot.