Disclaimer: I don't own HP or James Bond, though I'd love to have both.
A/N: Yes, this is an almost-Canon James Bond crossover. In fact I plan on it being long, and possibly an alternative to book 7. :laughs: I need feedback though. This Ain't exactly orthodox. As usual, I'm not a native speaker so feel free to correct any funny sentences.
On Lord Voldemort's Secret Service
1. Introduction, or "Hermione Walks Into a Bar".
In the Greenery Pub, just outside of the University of South Florida campus, Severus Snape sat at the bar waiting for the release of book 7. In contrast to the usual motley crowd, he was wearing a nice black suit and carefully sipping his vodka martini (shaken, not stirred). It was the middle of the summer, and about a year from the release date of the last Harry Potter (WHY, oh WHY did they have to name the series after that smelly dunderhead?) novel, so he had quite a bit of vacation time left to just chill out and take it easy. Wait. There was that other job of his. Oh bother, he'd have to return to London and check in at headquarters tomorrow. He hoped for M's sake that it was something important.
Snape was distracted from his thoughts, though, when a pretty young lady in a yellow sundress took a seat next to him and put a hand on his shoulder. Let's see: book on her lap, brown eyes, incredibly bushy and frizzy brown hair… it couldn't be! HERMIONE GRANGER!
Miss Granger moved a little closer and gave him a long, rather creepy look.
"I know," she said for no particular reason.
"And what is it that you know, Miss Granger?" Asked Severus in a rather annoyed tone.
"I know who you killed last summer," she mumbled, as if in a trance.
"HBP is old news, Granger. Think of something more interesting to discuss before I leave."
"I have done some research." Hermione picked up her book and stuck it in front of Snape's nose just long enough for him to see "Ian Fleming" in big red letters. "I'm aware of your secret identity."
"Huh?" Was the only reply the stunned Potions Master managed to choke out.
"You know exactly what I'm talking about, James," whispered Hermione seductively.
"Well really now. For the last time, no matter what they like to think on the internet, I am NOT Harry's father!"
"Oh no, not that James," the bookish girl corrected herself, "I'm just saying that I know you are really James Bond. Under polyjuice."
"Oh dear," replied Snape warily, "and however did you make that connection?"
Hermione blushed a little, taking his response as an admission of defeat. "Well," she continued, "James Bond is British, and a spy. And, well, you're British, and a spy, too! And you're both sarcastic bastards!"
"Wow! That's pretty solid right there!" Exclaimed the blown spy.
"I know, I know! Now tell me, what have I been missing out on all these years? You know I won't tell the Order."
"Well, there's a lot to tell," he started, "but first thing's first, you have to know that the muggle Prime Minister knows about the wizarding world. I'm under his direct orders, and so is the man known as Voldemort."
"MERLIN! You're telling me that Lord Voldemort is a government agent of some sort!"
"You mean General Riddle? Why yes, he's been working on behalf of the Prime Minister since the 70s. He was first sent back to the wizarding world more than 20 years ago to investigate one Albus Dumbledore. The government had its suspicions that Dumbledore was a mad scientist, and together with some of his students he was plotting a doomsday weapon. General Thomas Riddle agreed to work with us as long as we subsidized his research into soul splitting devices called Horcruxes. We also sent some of our best men with him to participate in the organization known as the Death Eaters. We were to find out what Dumbledore was up to at all costs."
"So did you guys find out anything about the doomsday weapon and Dumbledore?" Hermione seemed to become more and more enthralled with the story.
"Oh, yes," Snape scratched the bridge of his hooked nose, "Quite a lot, in fact. Apparently the device Dumbledore had been plotting for years was Harry's scar."