"Vanya! You and I should be married tonight!"

"Wah! Ivan, please, could you stop that America from bullying me?"

"Get rid of that pest, Lithuania! Oh, but if you have no feelings for him, then I suppose he might stay for now."

"You're being unreasonable!"

"You can't run forever!"

"I really need your help!"

"Vanya!"

"Ivan!"

Russia barely resisted the urge to slam his fist into a wall, or fling the chair he sat in across the room. The only thing holding him back was just how comfortable the chair was. On an unrelated note, he wondered where Canada had disappeared to…

More importantly, the matter of his sisters had been giving him a headache so much that his head began to throb every time he even saw one of them.

Pavlov would've loved him.

He'd tried everything; from taking extended vacations to every other country he could think of, to ignoring their calls and barring the doors. Unfortunately, both just led to him feeling guilty about giving his only sisters the cold shoulder, even if he was completely fed up with them and their different types of insanity.

A familiar headache announced Belarus' arrival as she marched across the gleaming tile floor to his side. "Vanya, I demand that you resolve this seating mix-up this instant!"

"What now?" He groaned.

"That fool Switzerland put me all the way on the other side of the table. I want to sit beside you, but he never listens to my reasoning about anything. Won't you go make him see sense?"

He knew there was no dissuading her now. So he got to his feet, and trudged toward the head of the table, where the host nation stood, organizing notes with Austria.

"I told you to get your nose out of where it doesn't belong!" Vash was shouting angrily.

"You honestly think I care about whatever you've written? They're just so out of order, there's not way I couldn't interfere."

"Get bent! Only you would complain about that."

"Well someone has to."

"I hate to interrupt, but Switzerland, I think we should talk, Да?"

They both looked up with a start, and paled at the sight of him looming over their shoulders. "Can I help you Russia?"

"It appears that my sister has found an error in your seating arrangement."

"Oh. Well I'm sure it's easily fixed…" He started.

"Нет, you do not understand. I want you to make sure that even if she threatens you, you don't fix the problem."

He stared incredulously at the Russian, before slowly nodding. "Alright. That shouldn't be a problem either…I suppose."

"Thank you for your consideration." At least that was easier to deal with than most of Natalya's problems.

As he turned to leave, a small weight ran straight into his stomach, and he winced, expecting to see one of his sisters. But instead of loud demands or whispery blubbering, he got a bright – if not slightly stammering – apology. "I'm very sorry Mr. Russia, sir. I should've been looking where I was going."

"It's nothing to worry about." He insisted, smiling brightly, even as the poor girl shivered, and hurried by.

What did make him pause, however, was the interaction that caught his ear.

"Oh! Bruder! You've missed a page!"

"Thanks Lily."

Russia glanced behind to see Liechtenstein handing her brother the migrant paper, and his smile of gratitude. The siblings continued to chatter pleasantly, with no hints of the same intense clinginess he experienced with his own sisters.

Then again, he thought back to all the times he'd seen the two together. She adored her brother without the clinginess his own sisters conveyed, and had all of Katyusha's kindness without being whiny. A golden combination, to say the least.

Austria decided to call the meeting himself, and the assembled nations scurried around to their assigned seats, and in the rising levels of senseless babble, one thought stood out loud and clear in the Russian's mind.

Liechtenstein would be his new sister.

{}}{{}

"Lily! You're going out shopping with me and Laura, right?" Hungary called, cornering her young friend after the meeting.

"Well, I'm not too sure about today. I was going to have lunch with Vash…"

"Aw, come on! It'll be fun! We'll get you some new adorable dresses, and that grumpy brother of yours can just deal with it."

"W-well… I suppose he won't mind."

"Great! Let's head out!" She linked elbows with the younger nation, and proceeded to pull her along towards the entrance.

"Wait! Shouldn't I at least tell him first?"

"Don't worry about him! We can call him on our way there! Come on, Laura's got the car started and everything!"

"Elizaveta, I should definitely tell Vash that I'm leaving, or he'll worry. I'll catch up with you in a minute!"

Hungary sighed heavily, but nodded. "Okay, but five minutes, or I bring in the army, deal?"

"Deal." She agreed with a laugh. Turning back down the hallway she'd just come from, Liechtenstein hurried in search for her brother, only to again, collide into a barrel-chested coat. "Oh I'm so sorry!" She gasped, rubbing her forehead shyly.

"It is not a problem. Just be careful not to hurt yourself."

"Y-yes of course. Sorry again, but I have to find my bruder."

But as she turned to go around, a pair of large hands grabbed her arm, and covered her mouth. "But you have already found him, Да?"

{}}{{}

"I keep on telling you that it's not going to get you anywhere if you're constantly trying to show off, or put on airs. It just makes you even more of a prick."

"How is picking up a piece of paper putting on airs?"

"Because you think it's beneath you!"

"Well then, if it's so beneath me, why would I do it in the first place?"

"You know it annoys me!"

"Oh of course then. I live to annoy you, that's all I need in life."

The conference room doors hurled open, making both Switzerland and Austria glance up from their argument as Hungary sprinted towards them. "That's enough grinding of sexual tension you guys, this is serious business! Lily's missing!"

"What?"

"You heard me! I just came in to check on what was taking her so long, but she's not anywhere in this whole building!"

"How did you think that searching the entire building before telling me was a good idea?"

"Don't get all pissy with me, I'm trying to help!"

"You can help by getting out of my way!" Vash growled, sprinting from the room.

"What on earth do you think you'll accomplish running around like an idiot?" Austria called, hurrying after him. "You have no idea where she could be! Or did you forget that?"

"Could you shut up for more than a few seconds? There're security cameras all over the building, moron."

As though to illustrate his point, he pointed to the door now in front of them marked 'security room', and proceeded to fling it open, and start rewinding the tapes from the previous hour. "Make yourself useful and watch for Lily."

"Of course."

They found Hungary talking with Lily about shopping, and then followed her as she ran to look for Vash…

Switzerland's blood ran cold when he saw her run straight into Russia. "Oh Gott no."

He wished that there were audio. All he could do was guess at what conversation could possibly have led to this kidnapping. There wasn't much of a struggle. Lily attempted several of the self-defence tactics her brother had taught her, but those did little against the giant Russian, who dragged her out to the parking lot, where they lost sight of the two.

"Let's go. I know where that bastard's hotel room is."

But Austria was already shaking his head. "I heard him discuss it with his older sister this morning. He's heading straight home. Come on, I'll get us some plane tickets."

"Us? I beg your pardon, but I don't need help from a stuck-up aristocrat like you getting in my way from saving my sister!"

"She's my concern as well. And there's no way you can take Ivan alone." Roderick replied sharply, already searching his phone for the cheapest flight to Russia. "Go start your car. If we hurry, we can reach them before he has a chance to hurt her."

"You'd better hope you're right. Or I'll be murdering both of you."

{}}{{}

When Liechtenstein had been knocked out during her struggle, she couldn't say what she'd expected to see when she woke up. A dungeon, maybe? But a brightly lit bedroom, and a soft bed, certainly weren't on the list. Her wish list, perhaps, but not her reality-list.

"Ah, you're awake!"

Slowly, she turned around to see Russia sitting on a chair beside the bed.

"P-please Mr. Russia. I don't know what I've done, or why you've captured me, but I promise that I'll set it right if you let me go."

He tilted his head to one side rather comically, his brow furrowed in confusion. "Wrong? You've done nothing wrong."

"Then… why attack me? What am I doing here?"

"Hm… I suppose I should have explained this all thoroughly before grabbing you like that. Could've saved a lot of trouble…"

"This? Please, what're you talking about?" She felt nervous tears sting her eyes, and her hands began to tremble. If he wasn't angry, what on Earth could he want?

"You are to be my new сестра, of course. After all, my others are so bothersome."

"Pardon? Your… what?"

"Сестра. My sister."

Liechtenstein paused, opened her mouth, closed it, and then reopened it again. "You kidnapped me… because you're tired of your own sisters?"

"Да. I am so glad you understand! This should be even easier than I thought."

His smile dropped slightly when the girl before him began giggling softly. Her giggles quickly erupted into full-on laughter. "What is so funny?"

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh, but…" Her bright laughter drowned out whatever she was going to say next, leaving Russia deeply puzzled as he watched her. "That's just the silliest kidnapping reason I've ever heard of."

"You think it's that silly?"

"Well, a little. I think that I'm really just relieved that you're not going to kill me or anything."

"Why would I do that?"

"Oh I don't know. That's just always the impression you give off when I see you. You always look angry, or just… insane."

"I do not mean to…" His eyes turned downward, and the room became quiet again. Liechtenstein shifted uneasily before breaking the silence.

"Well… I don't think I could actually be your sister. Biology doesn't work that way, even for us. But I wouldn't mind… being friends if that's alright with you?"

Russia brightened immediately. "You mean it?"

"Sure."

"Oh спасибо!" He cried, wrapping the little nation into a crushing hug. As she struggled to breathe around his monstrous arms, Lily really, really hoped that her brother would figure out where she was quickly. She might've had a better chance of surviving an angry Russia.

{}}{{}

Austria sighed heavily at the sight of Russia's home. "You know? I might have been hoping that Ivan would have at least tried to make it look like he wasn't insane. But he's just a raving lunatic."

"And that's precisely why we need to get Lily out of there as soon as possible. There's no telling what's going on in there." Vash snapped in reply, already looking for a break in the Russian's defence system. But so far, it was airtight. If he weren't so pissed, he'd have been impressed at the level of attention put into the mechanics.

"Any ideas yet?"

"Just one. But it's a long shot."

"You've been known to go for those anyway."

He paused, uncertain whether or not he should take that as an insult, and then pointed to the top of the wall before them. "Lift me up over the wall."

"…That's it?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, that's your master plan for attack?"

"Yes. Get me over this wall, and then I'll give you a hand up. The best way to break through security this tight is right through."

"So… you intend to charge blindly through this compound of a house, unarmed no less, and you actually think you'll save Lily?"

"Who said anything about being unarmed?" He lifted the blazer he'd worn to the conference, revealing the pair of handguns at his side. "Now are you going to keep running your idiotic mouth, or shall we get this over with?"

"Right." The Austrian mumbled, kneeling down to offer a boost. "Just don't die or anything."

"You know I can't, moron."

Roderick groaned at the sight of Vash's dirt-caked shoes being pushed into his palms as the blond heaved himself onto the wall. He wasn't meant to be getting into situations like this. He should be home at his piano, composing, or perhaps with a nice cup of tea and a book. What the hell had he been thinking, offering to go on a suicide mission like this?

"Hurry up!" Switzerland hissed, offering his hand.

Liechtenstein's safety. That's what he was thinking of. No one should have to suffer under Russia's thumb, especially not such a fragile young girl.

The first shot nicked the wall, just at their feet. Loud shouts in thick Russian echoed through the courtyard as about a dozen guards poured out of some sort of barracks that looked more like a tool shed.

"Jump down if you want. I'll take care of them." Vash muttered, guns already blazing in retaliation.

"I don't take orders from you." Austria huffed. Though the ground below looked far more pleasing than being several feet up in the air. He was probably in the way now too. So without another word, he stepped forward, tumbling to the soft garden of sunflowers below, wincing as some of the tall stems snapped beneath his weight.

Moments later, Switzerland landed beside him, and took off towards the remaining soldiers. Quite honestly, he was only surprised that it was taking him this long to finish them off. He'd have to be very worried about Liechtenstein to be so off in his aim.

{}}{{}

For all his creepiness, violence, and generally evil aura, Russia had at least seemed eager to be a good person in her presence. In order to keep him happy, or at least buy some time before someone figured out where she was, the little nation had suggested baking.

At the very idea, Ivan's dark eyes lit up with childish mirth, and he agreed. "It has been so very long since I've done anything like this."

"Oh?"

"Mm. Katyusha and I used to all the time when I was younger. We would put together a huge feast of sweets and bread, and then bring it out to the parlour where Natalya would have been playing with her dolls…" He trailed off, already lost in the fond memory.

"Bruder was always funny with cooking. He always hated spending so long in a hot kitchen, but he would never hire a cook, even though Roderick constantly chastised him for not doing so. He said it's not dignified to be doing servant's work, but I don't think Vash really minded."

"So you are used to working, yes?"

"Aren't we all?"

"I suppose…"

Distracted, even for that moment, Russia lost grip on the flour jar, and it fell to the counter with a dull clatter, and sent a large spray of powder over them both.

"Are you alright? You didn't get any in your eyes, did you?" Liechtenstein asked, coughing a little.

"Нет, I am fine. And you?"

"I'm alright."

As the smoke cleared, the two looked each other over torn between being amazed that the flour had coated them so thoroughly in a single cloud, or amused at how the other looked.

"Should we just wash up and go watch a movie or something?" Liechtenstein suggested, already reaching for the taps. "I mean, we can still throw the cookies in the oven first, and do something else while we wait."

"Sounds perfect. I'll put the kettle on."

"Great!"

{}}{{}

"You know how you were saying a few minutes ago that Russia's house makes him look like even more of a psychotic maniac?" Switzerland shouted to his companion.

"Yes."

"Well I think it's safe to say you spoke too soon." He heaved in a huge breath, and lifted himself up out of the hole from the drop-floor he'd previously been dangling from. He should've known that the front door being open was too easy.

"I wouldn't say…" Roderick paused, struggling to get out of the same predicament, "that this makes him more crazy. It's more like a wealthy child's idea of a security system."

"So should we be looking out for rolling boulders?"

"I doubt we'll be so lucky." He replied dryly. "Shall we continue?"

"If you're not about to cough up a lung from actually having to put physical effort out, then yes."

Without waiting for a mostly likely sarcastic response, Vash spun on his heel, and stalked down the long hallway, flinging the doors open as he went, and growling threats to Russia under his breath.

{}}{{}

The entire house seemed to shudder as a loud mechanical groan echoed through the halls. Liechtenstein looked up from her tea with a start. "What's that noise?"

"Security. Another foolish thief, probably. You'd be surprised how many I get."

"O-oh." She tried to remain composed and calm, but still began chewing at her bottom lip. She was almost too afraid to ask, but curiosity demanded otherwise. "What kind of security system do you use?"

"Ex-KGB guards and cameras outside, and a lovely array of traps inside. Simple, but doesn't involve the police, and is highly effective."

"I'm sure it is."

"Lily!"

The two looked up from their movie to see Switzerland and Austria standing in the doorway, exhausted, and confused.

"Oh, hello bruder."

"Are you hurt at all?"

The blonde shook her head quickly. "No, I'm fine."

"Just what in the hell is going on here?"

"Well… we just finished baking, and now we're watching a movie while we wait."

"But, the kidnapping! Or did you just conveniently forget that part along the way?"

Lily turned bright red, and replied, in quiet German, so as not to offend Ivan. "He was a bit confused about how families should act. So I thought I'd help him a bit, and he's actually quite nice to have around."

Vash stared at his sister incredulously for a moment. "So, you expect him to be this giant teddy bear wherever you're concerned, just because of this one occasion?"

"Well, you're very much the same."

"Not sure that I deserve that."

"I'd like to have him over sometimes, if that's all right. He's a good friend."

"This is insane. Or do you always get Stockholm syndrome this quickly?"

"That's enough Vash." She snapped icily. Even she knew when her brother was going too far.

There was a long pause, and finally, Switzerland shrugged, and shook his head in amazement. "Okay. Go for it." He turned to Ivan, and held out a hand. "Sorry for the inconvenience. I'd be happy to have you over anytime." He said stiffly.

The Russian accepted the handshake with a large grin. "Same to you, comrade. It is only a shame that your entrance seems to be a little anti-climatic."

"Ja, well perhaps there would be no need for all this if you could act like a normal person every once in a while and ask before taking someone to your home."

"But where is the fun in that?"

Before anyone could respond, a muffled shout came from the other side of the living room door, followed by a pepper-spray of gunshots, and the door being thrown rather unceremoniously off of its hinges.

"I'm here to save the day!" America thundered, grinning at the room's other occupants. When he wasn't met with cheers of gratitude, his grin fell, and he hurried to explain. "Hungary tweeted something about Austria going to kick Russia's ass, so I had to come help. No commie will be left unpunished!"

"You are such an idiot." Roderick muttered, pushing up his glasses to rub the bridge of his nose in exasperation. "Come on. I think we've laid waste to enough of this place, don't you?"

"I suppose. Lily? Are you coming?"

"Yes bruder." She turned to Russia with a knowing smile. "I'll see you soon then?"

"Da." He gave her a –significantly less bone-crushing – hug, and saw the four out the front door, sighing at the idea of having to clean up all the dead guards in the garden. "Next time, I'll kidnap someone with a less trigger-happy brother." He mumbled.

Although… now that he toyed with the idea. Belarus was pretty handy at disposing of bodies. He knew there was a reason he kept her around.

{}}+{{}

Thanks for reading~!

And thanks to Joy for being so patient for this. I hope the wait was worth it! But seriously, you and your weird ideas.

My only defence is that Community is amazing, and I felt like marathoning all three seasons, if only to adore Danny Pudi. I regret nothing!

Pretty sure all the translations are self-explanitory.
And Laura is my human name for Belgium.