The Affair
A/N: Don't own a thing so don't sue me. DJ can't fight what they feel for one another, but when push comes to shove, can they really stick it out?
I think people use the term, "I'm having an affair" way to lightly. I mean what exactly is an affair. When I think back to when my mom cheated on my dad in high school, I guess her "affair" was screwing her co-anchor behind my dad's back for weeks and she probably would have kept it a secret unless Joey hadn't seen them together.and well the rest is history there. If I were to use that example to define the word "affair," then that's not really what I'm doing. Well yeah I sleep with this other woman, who is not my wife, occasionally, but what I have with this other woman is so much more than just sex. What I feel for her and what I know she feels for me transcends that, lovers, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend. What I feel for her is so deep that I cannot describe it. She's my soul mate, why should I feel bad for what I'm doing, she doesn't. Or she didn't.
Things are so different now than what they used to be, actually they're a 180-degree turn from my life a year ago. What seemed so complicated then is nothing as what it is now. How did I get here? How can I fix all the wrong things I've done and help all the people I hurt, especially Joey. The last image I have of her in my head is burned into my retinas and it haunts me in my dreams. I wish I could change that, change what I did and take back the things I said, but I can't. Now I suffer in silence while my wife continues on with her daily business, unaware of the secret I harbor and the true feelings that hide inside of me. I should tell her that I don't love her anymore, that I want a divorce so I can go find my true love, if she'll still have me. After our last official conversation, I'm not sure she would and I can't really say as I blame her. I was a bastard, cruel and heartless but I still love her..I would do anything to have her back. But before we get into that, we should probably catch up to how I got here.
So after Jen's funeral, I went back to LA and Joey and Pacey went back to New York. Sure I was a bit jealous that they were attempting to date again, but after the promise Joey and I made, I know it wouldn't last. Six months later I got that phone call, from her, saying it was over. She never gave a reason and I honestly didn't care. Back to being best friends, we talked several times a week, visiting when we could and e- mailing one another all the time. I missed her a lot, but was content with how life was going. I didn't know then that I still loved her, although there were hints at times that she still loved me. A few times when we visited one another, there were heavy make out sessions and near sex experiences, but I always pulled back. After about a year of this, she asked me flat out if I would consider getting back together and I lied, I said no. She had hurt me so badly before that I couldn't let myself get close to her at that moment. Needless to say, things strained a bit after that.
She went back to New York and we began speaking less and less. I wanted to call her up and say that I was wrong, but when I finally got up the nerve, she called me to say she and her former boyfriend Christopher were back together and getting married. I remember watching them wed, noticing Joey was giving me every opportunity to stop it. She was waiting to hear the words, "I love you," but they never came from my lips. After they were married, I felt like I had nothing left to lose romantically. The only person I ever really loved was unattainable in the utmost sense of the word so I began dating Sarah, a young actress I met one night. She was nice, cute and sweet but she was a workaholic just like me. Bound and determined to succeed, her priorities were elsewhere all the time, which made it easy for me to be with her because she wasn't a top priority for me either. She began pressuring me to take the relationship to the next level and after talking with Joey one night, hearing how happy she was, I proposed and married her in private without telling anyone a few weeks later. It's funny but I regretted it the minute I said, "I do," and the sound of shock and hurt in Joey's voice when I called to tell her the news haunts me as well.
"Are you serious Dawson? You're married?" she gasped, trying to collect herself.
"Yes aren't you happy for me?" I said, analyzing her reaction.
"Yes, congrats," she said after a long pause, her voice cracking a bit.
So I settled into married life and was happy myself. Having someone there to talk to, to be with and be around was great and Sarah and I were happy for a time. But then she became obsessed with work, using my contacts to help her out, working at bizarre locations all over the world on any bit part she could get. Looking back, I see she only really married me for my name and what I could do for her, maybe that's partially why I didn't feel as bad for what I did later on. On our second anniversary, Sarah got a job offer for a sitcom shooting in New York and wanted to take it. I was growing tired of the LA scene, having lived here for a long time, and I missed Joey more than anything. After the marriage bombshell we spoke even less and I wanted so badly to fix that and so I agreed. "The Creek" was over now and I was just putzing around for a new project. We moved to New York, "accidentally" near Joey and Christopher's apartment and I set out to win back my best friend. Sarah spent all hours with the cast and crew, working and rehearsing and taping and my new job at the network was.well not that challenging so I had all the time in the world to find Joey.
She still worked in publishing, for the company she started at after college. Apparently she was a big wig there now after a few successful books she worked on. Audrey even told me that she was writing a few of her own books and the buzz on one was hot. For two days I waited outside Craig Publishing in Soho to see her, afraid to call and schedule something. When she finally left, I felt my heart stop for a minute. She was older now, her dark hair hung loosely over her shoulders and she still had this unidentifiable gleam in her eye and confident step in her walk. I followed her for a bit and then ducked around a corner to "accidentally" bump into her as she turned Houston Street.
"Hey watch it," she snapped, leaning down to pick up her briefcase.
"I'm sorry Joey," I stammered, finally realizing that I had to talk to her.
"Dawson." she started, looking at me with wide eyes and dropped jaw. Before this, we had not spoken in months and had not seen one another in years, since her wedding. But now we were right in front of one another, neither one sure of what to say. I was waiting for the inevitable, the yelling the what-do-you-think-you're-doing-here, but it never came. Tears started in her eyes and she threw her arms around me, holding me so tight that I felt lightheaded.
She forgave me in that minute and all the hurt and pain of the past few years absence was gone. What happened between us though didn't happen right away. No, we went back to being best friends first. After several weeks of hanging out together constantly after work, she told me that things with Christopher were strained. He worked too much, was gone researching or promoting too much. I scowled when she said he blew off her birthday and anniversary because he had a book signing tour that he refused to leave for a day. He never did deserve her though so I wasn't totally surprised. After dinner and several glasses of wine, she told me she was unhappy in her marriage, that her husband never paid attention to her and was never around. She suspected he was cheating but couldn't prove it. I confessed as well that Sarah was never around and was so work obsessed, something I got over a year ago, that I felt like I was dragging behind her. I even admitted on our second bottle of wine that I still loved her, Joey that is, and that I missed her terribly. She did the same and with that look in her eyes I knew trouble was ahead.
It was innocent in the beginning. We went to the theater and to dinner at night. I would pick her up from work or meet her somewhere and we would just spend hours talking and laughing like we used to. When she received another promotion, I took her to dinner because Christopher said he was too busy. I made her feel better when he said that he would rather work than celebrate. It was like we were fifteen again, laughing, joking and talking like we used to. We hung out at each other's apartments and even went for walks in the park and ice skating in the winter. Because our spouses were gone so much, it was almost like we were married, minus the sleep over and sex part. It's funny looking back because Sarah was never jealous about Joey, maybe because she would rather worry about work then her husband hanging out all the time with a former love. Joey never mentioned anything about Christopher either, but I doubt he cared. When we went out we still held hands, linked arms and hugged and kissed affectionally. It was strictly platonic, well sort of. Things began to change as more time went by. I took her to work events, never thinking to ask Sarah anymore and Joey always knew I would be there for her if she needed to talk or cry. Things were getting worse at home and when Sarah was out some night she started sleeping in our guestroom.alone and only because I didn't want to start anything with the possibility of my wife coming in late.
It stopped being innocent though a few weeks before Christmas. We were out to dinner, our usual routine, when we started talking about the past and things we would have done differently. A dangerous subject I know. Anyhow, it was friendly enough up to the point that she admitted how hurt she was when I just wanted to be friends years ago when we were visiting and making out regularly with one another.
"I'm sorry," I said, hanging my head while holding her hand.
"It's okay because I shouldn't have let it end with that," she said, catching my attention. "I should have made you hear me out more, I should have made you admit how you really felt because I knew it in my heart that we should have been together."
Hearing her say that sent me spinning and next thing I knew I kissed her in the cab on the way back to her apartment. She froze at first but then relaxed, kissing me back and wrapping her arms around me. As I think about that night now, I just remember that kiss and feeling like for the first time in years, I was wide awake and not just going through the motions of my days. She could still stir up every emotion I had inside and make everything seem like it would be okay. We ended up at the Plaza hotel that night and made out for hours, kissing, holding and touching one another like we hadn't in years. I felt at the age of nearly thirty that I was fifteen years old and madly in love with the girl down the creek. We didn't make love that night but it was so amazing. I felt alive again. The next morning, still dressed in our clothes and lips swollen from kissing. I woke to find Joey frantically putting cover up on her neck to cover the huge hickey I gave her, hey I couldn't help myself. She saw me and smiled, jumping back on the bed and into my arms.
"I think we have to talk about this," she said softly, kissing my jaw.
"Why," I said softly.
"Ah because we're married," she said with a "duh" look on her face. "What does this mean?"
"I don't know," said honestly. "But I do know that I don't want to lose you and I don't whatever this is to end."
"Me too," she said with a smile, leaning in to kiss me again. So we never really defined what it was that we were doing, but I know neither one of us regretted it.
For the next year we fell into a new routine and amazingly neither Sarah or Christopher were the wiser. It blew my mind at first how the red flags came up in front of her face but she remained solid and worried only about work, sometimes ignoring my presence. Three days a week Joey and I would meet. I told Sarah that I was taking a class in the suburbs and would be late most nights, which she didn't care. Joey actually told Christopher she joined a book club, yeah because book clubs require formal dress at times and returning home late or early the next morning. But surprisingly he didn't care either. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't even hear her say it. As I said before, Joey and I met privately three times a week and sometimes more, but our activities would be appropriate for public. A guy at the network at unlimited access to a room at the Plaza, overlooking Central Park and agreed to share it with me so long as my "activities" didn't coincide with his. I never thought I would time share a room with a co-worker so we could "cheat" on our wives.
So I met her there, but it wasn't like we were porn stars every time. Sometimes we just watched movies and cuddled or ordered room service and danced to music like we were at homecoming. Oh there were occasions where we would make love all night until neither one of us could breathe or literally handle anymore. Being with her physically again was just like it was in college, except better. I think my favorite thing we would do outside of sex was reading to one another from great books while lounging in the tub, bubbles all around us. I leaned against her so she could wrap herself around me and I just closed my eyes and floated away as she read. My favorite daydream to visit was us, doing the exact same thing, except we were married and we didn't have to hide everything. I hated leaving her, going home to a cold and often empty place, but with just a phone call we were together again. During out time together, we just focused on being together in every sense of the word, never worrying about past lovers or the experience we acquired without one another. I told Joey she was the best lover I ever had and she laughed at first.
"I thought you told Natasha back in college that she was 'the best you ever had,'" she laughed, stroking my face.
"That was before you.after that nothing ever compared," I said, leaning in to kiss her again and letting nature take its course. We never talked about our spouses and if we wanted to leave them or not. We were just happy being together. It was a bit uncomfortable at the holidays back in Capeside though. Sneaking away together, holding hands privately under the table with our spouses just a few feet away. I won't lie and say I wasn't jealous when Christopher kissed Joey in front of me, but I never let it bother me because she loved me and was "cheating" on him with me. She was mine, finally.
So life was good.no it was great. Work was great, friends were great, family was great and love was even better. I was so happy, I never saw the fall out coming.
It happened one afternoon when Joey called me at work and said she had to see me immediately. I agreed and we met up at the hotel after work. I could tell she was nervous about something but I didn't let it bother me. She even seemed a bit reluctant in my kiss and embrace but I could only focus on how she felt in my arms.
"What's the matter," I said, leading her to a chair and pulling her on my lap.
"I have to tell you something and I don't know how you're going to react," she said, tracing her finger around on my shoulder.
"You can tell me anything Jo, please, just be honest," I said, starting to panic a bit.
"I'm pregnant Dawson, three weeks a long," she muttered, looking up at me with a feared yet hopeful look in her eye. I think the words "pregnant" rang in my ears for a bit and I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. "It's yours."
"I figured," I muttered, feeling a rush of emotion hit me.
"What do we do? Do we tell Sarah and Christopher, do you want to do this?" she asked hesitantly, burying her head in my neck.
"Do what?" I asked, feeling the walls begin to close in on me.
"Raise our child together?" she said.
"How is that even possible?" I asked, feeling very warm and cramped all of a sudden.
"Well we could divorce our spouses and be together, we don't to get married right away or at all but we could be together as a family," she said, placing my hand gently on her stomach, where our child was growing.
"How did this happen?" I stammered, trying to sort through all the thoughts in my head. This may sound horrible, but I love Joey more than anything, but I still wasn't sure if I could leave Sarah for her. Sarah, despite all her faults and constant absences, was still somewhat stable. I knew what to expect from her and what she wanted from me. It was comfortable. Joey still stirred up everything inside of me and I was afraid she would leave and hurt me again, which sounds ridiculous now because she had willingly and happily cheated on her husband with me for over a year.
"I don't know but it's not like we were careful every single time," she said softly, keeping my hand on her stomach.
"I can't do this Joey, I'm so sorry," I said, jumping up from the chair and tearing my hand away from her stomach. She looked at me in shock and horror.
"What do you mean you can't do this?" she demanded and with damn good reason.
"This, a child, you and me, this is just getting way to out of hand," I said, fishing for my keys and briefcase.
"You're leaving? What about me and your child, the one we made together," she stammered.
"What do you want from me Joey, what do you want me to do?" I asked, still unable to face her because I knew I could crumble. I was doing it again, pushing her away, punishing her and abandoning her.
"I love you Dawson and I know you love me, I want us to be together and be a family," she said, hearing my sigh. "I want you to leave Sarah and be mine because I don't want to be without you anymore." Looking back I should have told her that I felt the same way and that I wanted to marry her, be with her and raise a family together, but I was scared and I ran away.
"Joey I'm sorry but I can't," I said, finally looking at her, hoping the words would come out. "This was just a fling, a fun thing we did because we were unhappy. I can't be there for you and the baby and I think."
"You love me don't you, you believe in what we have?" she interrupted, looking for something to hold onto. Finally getting my briefcase and keys, I had to put the final nail in the coffin, even though it would kill me and probably cause me to be in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life.
"No I don't, I don't love you Joey, not like that anymore..it's over for good," I said with a cold tone and brushed past her before I could hear her collapse in sobs in the room while I managed to wait until my apartment to break down because I was such a fool.
A/N: Don't own a thing so don't sue me. DJ can't fight what they feel for one another, but when push comes to shove, can they really stick it out?
I think people use the term, "I'm having an affair" way to lightly. I mean what exactly is an affair. When I think back to when my mom cheated on my dad in high school, I guess her "affair" was screwing her co-anchor behind my dad's back for weeks and she probably would have kept it a secret unless Joey hadn't seen them together.and well the rest is history there. If I were to use that example to define the word "affair," then that's not really what I'm doing. Well yeah I sleep with this other woman, who is not my wife, occasionally, but what I have with this other woman is so much more than just sex. What I feel for her and what I know she feels for me transcends that, lovers, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend. What I feel for her is so deep that I cannot describe it. She's my soul mate, why should I feel bad for what I'm doing, she doesn't. Or she didn't.
Things are so different now than what they used to be, actually they're a 180-degree turn from my life a year ago. What seemed so complicated then is nothing as what it is now. How did I get here? How can I fix all the wrong things I've done and help all the people I hurt, especially Joey. The last image I have of her in my head is burned into my retinas and it haunts me in my dreams. I wish I could change that, change what I did and take back the things I said, but I can't. Now I suffer in silence while my wife continues on with her daily business, unaware of the secret I harbor and the true feelings that hide inside of me. I should tell her that I don't love her anymore, that I want a divorce so I can go find my true love, if she'll still have me. After our last official conversation, I'm not sure she would and I can't really say as I blame her. I was a bastard, cruel and heartless but I still love her..I would do anything to have her back. But before we get into that, we should probably catch up to how I got here.
So after Jen's funeral, I went back to LA and Joey and Pacey went back to New York. Sure I was a bit jealous that they were attempting to date again, but after the promise Joey and I made, I know it wouldn't last. Six months later I got that phone call, from her, saying it was over. She never gave a reason and I honestly didn't care. Back to being best friends, we talked several times a week, visiting when we could and e- mailing one another all the time. I missed her a lot, but was content with how life was going. I didn't know then that I still loved her, although there were hints at times that she still loved me. A few times when we visited one another, there were heavy make out sessions and near sex experiences, but I always pulled back. After about a year of this, she asked me flat out if I would consider getting back together and I lied, I said no. She had hurt me so badly before that I couldn't let myself get close to her at that moment. Needless to say, things strained a bit after that.
She went back to New York and we began speaking less and less. I wanted to call her up and say that I was wrong, but when I finally got up the nerve, she called me to say she and her former boyfriend Christopher were back together and getting married. I remember watching them wed, noticing Joey was giving me every opportunity to stop it. She was waiting to hear the words, "I love you," but they never came from my lips. After they were married, I felt like I had nothing left to lose romantically. The only person I ever really loved was unattainable in the utmost sense of the word so I began dating Sarah, a young actress I met one night. She was nice, cute and sweet but she was a workaholic just like me. Bound and determined to succeed, her priorities were elsewhere all the time, which made it easy for me to be with her because she wasn't a top priority for me either. She began pressuring me to take the relationship to the next level and after talking with Joey one night, hearing how happy she was, I proposed and married her in private without telling anyone a few weeks later. It's funny but I regretted it the minute I said, "I do," and the sound of shock and hurt in Joey's voice when I called to tell her the news haunts me as well.
"Are you serious Dawson? You're married?" she gasped, trying to collect herself.
"Yes aren't you happy for me?" I said, analyzing her reaction.
"Yes, congrats," she said after a long pause, her voice cracking a bit.
So I settled into married life and was happy myself. Having someone there to talk to, to be with and be around was great and Sarah and I were happy for a time. But then she became obsessed with work, using my contacts to help her out, working at bizarre locations all over the world on any bit part she could get. Looking back, I see she only really married me for my name and what I could do for her, maybe that's partially why I didn't feel as bad for what I did later on. On our second anniversary, Sarah got a job offer for a sitcom shooting in New York and wanted to take it. I was growing tired of the LA scene, having lived here for a long time, and I missed Joey more than anything. After the marriage bombshell we spoke even less and I wanted so badly to fix that and so I agreed. "The Creek" was over now and I was just putzing around for a new project. We moved to New York, "accidentally" near Joey and Christopher's apartment and I set out to win back my best friend. Sarah spent all hours with the cast and crew, working and rehearsing and taping and my new job at the network was.well not that challenging so I had all the time in the world to find Joey.
She still worked in publishing, for the company she started at after college. Apparently she was a big wig there now after a few successful books she worked on. Audrey even told me that she was writing a few of her own books and the buzz on one was hot. For two days I waited outside Craig Publishing in Soho to see her, afraid to call and schedule something. When she finally left, I felt my heart stop for a minute. She was older now, her dark hair hung loosely over her shoulders and she still had this unidentifiable gleam in her eye and confident step in her walk. I followed her for a bit and then ducked around a corner to "accidentally" bump into her as she turned Houston Street.
"Hey watch it," she snapped, leaning down to pick up her briefcase.
"I'm sorry Joey," I stammered, finally realizing that I had to talk to her.
"Dawson." she started, looking at me with wide eyes and dropped jaw. Before this, we had not spoken in months and had not seen one another in years, since her wedding. But now we were right in front of one another, neither one sure of what to say. I was waiting for the inevitable, the yelling the what-do-you-think-you're-doing-here, but it never came. Tears started in her eyes and she threw her arms around me, holding me so tight that I felt lightheaded.
She forgave me in that minute and all the hurt and pain of the past few years absence was gone. What happened between us though didn't happen right away. No, we went back to being best friends first. After several weeks of hanging out together constantly after work, she told me that things with Christopher were strained. He worked too much, was gone researching or promoting too much. I scowled when she said he blew off her birthday and anniversary because he had a book signing tour that he refused to leave for a day. He never did deserve her though so I wasn't totally surprised. After dinner and several glasses of wine, she told me she was unhappy in her marriage, that her husband never paid attention to her and was never around. She suspected he was cheating but couldn't prove it. I confessed as well that Sarah was never around and was so work obsessed, something I got over a year ago, that I felt like I was dragging behind her. I even admitted on our second bottle of wine that I still loved her, Joey that is, and that I missed her terribly. She did the same and with that look in her eyes I knew trouble was ahead.
It was innocent in the beginning. We went to the theater and to dinner at night. I would pick her up from work or meet her somewhere and we would just spend hours talking and laughing like we used to. When she received another promotion, I took her to dinner because Christopher said he was too busy. I made her feel better when he said that he would rather work than celebrate. It was like we were fifteen again, laughing, joking and talking like we used to. We hung out at each other's apartments and even went for walks in the park and ice skating in the winter. Because our spouses were gone so much, it was almost like we were married, minus the sleep over and sex part. It's funny looking back because Sarah was never jealous about Joey, maybe because she would rather worry about work then her husband hanging out all the time with a former love. Joey never mentioned anything about Christopher either, but I doubt he cared. When we went out we still held hands, linked arms and hugged and kissed affectionally. It was strictly platonic, well sort of. Things began to change as more time went by. I took her to work events, never thinking to ask Sarah anymore and Joey always knew I would be there for her if she needed to talk or cry. Things were getting worse at home and when Sarah was out some night she started sleeping in our guestroom.alone and only because I didn't want to start anything with the possibility of my wife coming in late.
It stopped being innocent though a few weeks before Christmas. We were out to dinner, our usual routine, when we started talking about the past and things we would have done differently. A dangerous subject I know. Anyhow, it was friendly enough up to the point that she admitted how hurt she was when I just wanted to be friends years ago when we were visiting and making out regularly with one another.
"I'm sorry," I said, hanging my head while holding her hand.
"It's okay because I shouldn't have let it end with that," she said, catching my attention. "I should have made you hear me out more, I should have made you admit how you really felt because I knew it in my heart that we should have been together."
Hearing her say that sent me spinning and next thing I knew I kissed her in the cab on the way back to her apartment. She froze at first but then relaxed, kissing me back and wrapping her arms around me. As I think about that night now, I just remember that kiss and feeling like for the first time in years, I was wide awake and not just going through the motions of my days. She could still stir up every emotion I had inside and make everything seem like it would be okay. We ended up at the Plaza hotel that night and made out for hours, kissing, holding and touching one another like we hadn't in years. I felt at the age of nearly thirty that I was fifteen years old and madly in love with the girl down the creek. We didn't make love that night but it was so amazing. I felt alive again. The next morning, still dressed in our clothes and lips swollen from kissing. I woke to find Joey frantically putting cover up on her neck to cover the huge hickey I gave her, hey I couldn't help myself. She saw me and smiled, jumping back on the bed and into my arms.
"I think we have to talk about this," she said softly, kissing my jaw.
"Why," I said softly.
"Ah because we're married," she said with a "duh" look on her face. "What does this mean?"
"I don't know," said honestly. "But I do know that I don't want to lose you and I don't whatever this is to end."
"Me too," she said with a smile, leaning in to kiss me again. So we never really defined what it was that we were doing, but I know neither one of us regretted it.
For the next year we fell into a new routine and amazingly neither Sarah or Christopher were the wiser. It blew my mind at first how the red flags came up in front of her face but she remained solid and worried only about work, sometimes ignoring my presence. Three days a week Joey and I would meet. I told Sarah that I was taking a class in the suburbs and would be late most nights, which she didn't care. Joey actually told Christopher she joined a book club, yeah because book clubs require formal dress at times and returning home late or early the next morning. But surprisingly he didn't care either. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't even hear her say it. As I said before, Joey and I met privately three times a week and sometimes more, but our activities would be appropriate for public. A guy at the network at unlimited access to a room at the Plaza, overlooking Central Park and agreed to share it with me so long as my "activities" didn't coincide with his. I never thought I would time share a room with a co-worker so we could "cheat" on our wives.
So I met her there, but it wasn't like we were porn stars every time. Sometimes we just watched movies and cuddled or ordered room service and danced to music like we were at homecoming. Oh there were occasions where we would make love all night until neither one of us could breathe or literally handle anymore. Being with her physically again was just like it was in college, except better. I think my favorite thing we would do outside of sex was reading to one another from great books while lounging in the tub, bubbles all around us. I leaned against her so she could wrap herself around me and I just closed my eyes and floated away as she read. My favorite daydream to visit was us, doing the exact same thing, except we were married and we didn't have to hide everything. I hated leaving her, going home to a cold and often empty place, but with just a phone call we were together again. During out time together, we just focused on being together in every sense of the word, never worrying about past lovers or the experience we acquired without one another. I told Joey she was the best lover I ever had and she laughed at first.
"I thought you told Natasha back in college that she was 'the best you ever had,'" she laughed, stroking my face.
"That was before you.after that nothing ever compared," I said, leaning in to kiss her again and letting nature take its course. We never talked about our spouses and if we wanted to leave them or not. We were just happy being together. It was a bit uncomfortable at the holidays back in Capeside though. Sneaking away together, holding hands privately under the table with our spouses just a few feet away. I won't lie and say I wasn't jealous when Christopher kissed Joey in front of me, but I never let it bother me because she loved me and was "cheating" on him with me. She was mine, finally.
So life was good.no it was great. Work was great, friends were great, family was great and love was even better. I was so happy, I never saw the fall out coming.
It happened one afternoon when Joey called me at work and said she had to see me immediately. I agreed and we met up at the hotel after work. I could tell she was nervous about something but I didn't let it bother me. She even seemed a bit reluctant in my kiss and embrace but I could only focus on how she felt in my arms.
"What's the matter," I said, leading her to a chair and pulling her on my lap.
"I have to tell you something and I don't know how you're going to react," she said, tracing her finger around on my shoulder.
"You can tell me anything Jo, please, just be honest," I said, starting to panic a bit.
"I'm pregnant Dawson, three weeks a long," she muttered, looking up at me with a feared yet hopeful look in her eye. I think the words "pregnant" rang in my ears for a bit and I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. "It's yours."
"I figured," I muttered, feeling a rush of emotion hit me.
"What do we do? Do we tell Sarah and Christopher, do you want to do this?" she asked hesitantly, burying her head in my neck.
"Do what?" I asked, feeling the walls begin to close in on me.
"Raise our child together?" she said.
"How is that even possible?" I asked, feeling very warm and cramped all of a sudden.
"Well we could divorce our spouses and be together, we don't to get married right away or at all but we could be together as a family," she said, placing my hand gently on her stomach, where our child was growing.
"How did this happen?" I stammered, trying to sort through all the thoughts in my head. This may sound horrible, but I love Joey more than anything, but I still wasn't sure if I could leave Sarah for her. Sarah, despite all her faults and constant absences, was still somewhat stable. I knew what to expect from her and what she wanted from me. It was comfortable. Joey still stirred up everything inside of me and I was afraid she would leave and hurt me again, which sounds ridiculous now because she had willingly and happily cheated on her husband with me for over a year.
"I don't know but it's not like we were careful every single time," she said softly, keeping my hand on her stomach.
"I can't do this Joey, I'm so sorry," I said, jumping up from the chair and tearing my hand away from her stomach. She looked at me in shock and horror.
"What do you mean you can't do this?" she demanded and with damn good reason.
"This, a child, you and me, this is just getting way to out of hand," I said, fishing for my keys and briefcase.
"You're leaving? What about me and your child, the one we made together," she stammered.
"What do you want from me Joey, what do you want me to do?" I asked, still unable to face her because I knew I could crumble. I was doing it again, pushing her away, punishing her and abandoning her.
"I love you Dawson and I know you love me, I want us to be together and be a family," she said, hearing my sigh. "I want you to leave Sarah and be mine because I don't want to be without you anymore." Looking back I should have told her that I felt the same way and that I wanted to marry her, be with her and raise a family together, but I was scared and I ran away.
"Joey I'm sorry but I can't," I said, finally looking at her, hoping the words would come out. "This was just a fling, a fun thing we did because we were unhappy. I can't be there for you and the baby and I think."
"You love me don't you, you believe in what we have?" she interrupted, looking for something to hold onto. Finally getting my briefcase and keys, I had to put the final nail in the coffin, even though it would kill me and probably cause me to be in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life.
"No I don't, I don't love you Joey, not like that anymore..it's over for good," I said with a cold tone and brushed past her before I could hear her collapse in sobs in the room while I managed to wait until my apartment to break down because I was such a fool.