Free! does not belong to me. Neither does High Speed!
So. There is this For the Future Festival. It made me write in English again, even though I swore I wouldn't do it. If you find any mistakes, feel free to tell me.
To paint my dreams red
.
It's unusually quiet, even though you are swimming underwater.
You can't hear the ripples on the surface, or the stones moving beneath you, though you can see pebbles rolling over heavier rocks, and the shadows cast on the bottom of the sea give away there are waves above your head. But even what you see feels wrong. There isn't any blue, there isn't any colour painting the silent stones as they come and go.
It's unsettling. But it's water, so you keep swimming, feeling fine despite the lack of air. That submerged world seems to have forgotten about colours, because the only tones left are dull shades of grey and not even the corals remember what looking alive was like.
Just when you are starting to forget it too, it comes back.
At first, it's just a tiny spot, standing out in the steel-grey sea. It makes you stop to watch instead of getting closer. You don't want the colour to go away.
It keeps approaching you, painting the world around you. The water is blue again, the rays of light piercing through the surface have a yellowish hue and a world of colour spreads on the stones beneath your feet.
And the source of all that light is now right in front of you, so close you could tell what it is if it didn't shine so much it hurts your eyes.
You try to reach out, to resolve that mystery, but something pulls you away. You let out a growl, pushing and kicking against that force, but it's useless. You can't do anything to stop it from dragging you towards another sea, one without colour, without light.
.
Haruka inhales sharply as he regains consciousness, his lips trembling and his eyes wide open. He's laying on his back, his left arm stretched out as if trying to touch the familiar ceiling of his bedroom. He closes his mouth as he lowers his arm until it covers his eyes, afraid that his heart gets out of his body if it keeps beating this fast.
His fingers curl into fists as he remembers the dream that has left him so shaken up.
Again.
He can't do anything about the tremor that keeps running through his body as long as the memory is there, though, so he tries to focus on something else.
Rolling onto his side, he spots the figure sleeping on the futon Haruka laid out for him last night. Rin looks like he's having a peaceful dream, arms and legs spread out as he snores softly, his dishevelled red hair partially hiding his face and getting into his open mouth.
The pang of resentment that pierces through his heart at the endearing sight surprises him.
.
"What to do to remember your dreams?" Makoto repeats. "Hmm, how about writing them down?"
Haruka shakes his head.
"I can't remember them well in the morning."
"That's why you write them," Makoto explains patiently. "If you wake up in the middle of the night, note down what you remember before going back to sleep."
"But I'm bad with words," Haruka mutters.
"Draw, then," Makoto replies, smiling in a way that could make Haruka believe everything is okay even in a nuclear apocalypse. "Anyway, why are you so interested in dreams all of a sudden?"
Haruka looks away from his friend, to the sea, as they walk to the school.
"Lately I've having weird dreams," he answers, choosing his words very carefully, "and they are all alike."
Makoto doesn't need to know about the blinding light that brings colours to his dull dreams, nor about the red engraved in the back of his eyelids.
.
You know it's a river because you are swimming against the current.
It would be easier if you turned around and let the water carry you towards the sea, but you know that whatever awaits you will be worth the effort of swimming towards the spring.
Maybe you'll find the colour the water lacks, to give it back to the creatures that live in there
However, it gets more and more difficult. You are grateful the river isn't too deep, because soon you get tired of swimming and start walking instead. The world above the water is colourless, too; white trees and white land and white skies hurt your eyes, and you wonder if you have lost your colours, too.
You don't dare take a look to your hands.
But then a voice breaks the silence, and you can swear even the sky blushes.
.
Rin stays over for the fourth time this month. Apparently he left his comb the last night he slept in Haruka's place and forgot to tell him to give it back when they had a joint practice. And he came in the last train, so he can't go back to Samezuka until the morning. How convenient.
Haruka shouldn't mind. He likes having Rin close, and definitely enjoys when it's only the two of them and competition isn't as important as when they are with their friends.
He wouldn't mind, if he didn't already know what Rin's presence means.
It's not only the dreams. Haruka can deal with them, and it's not like they are exactly nightmares. It's that he's already learnt the pattern: whenever he sees Rin, he has one of those colourless dreams. And the closer Rin gets to him, the more upsetting they get, the more restless he feels in the morning.
And then there is… this. This, that isn't upsetting itself but scares Haruka more than anything else. This, that pushes him towards Rin without minding what Haruka has to say. This, that is more intense than anything Haruka has felt before, that is getting stronger with each passing day, that makes Haruka afraid of not being able to control it ever since Rin kidnapped him and took him to Australia.
But he doesn't tell Rin anything, because he doesn't know how to; if his friend notices that he's quieter than usual, he doesn't make any comment. They have dinner in silence (mackerel, obviously) and Haruka forgets to take a bath, laying out Rin's futon next to his bed and placing a notebook and his pencil case on the floor.
Rin doesn't remember that Haruka hasn't bathed either; he complains about the Northern Stoplight Loosejaw-kun t-shirt that at this point practically belongs to him, thanks Haruka for letting him stay the night and offers an apology that Haruka knows he doesn't really mean.
"It's okay," he replies, though. "Just make sure you don't forget anything when you leave tomorrow."
Haruka can tell he has hurt Rin with only a brief look. His friend opens and closes his mouth several times, as if looking for the right words, and at last he manages to croak out:
"Are we okay, Haru?"
Haruka fixes his gaze on his pillow.
"Yeah."
He doesn't understand why it feels like a lie, when he's being honest. They are fine. The problem is within him, not Rin.
.
Haruka rouses at dawn, with his pencils scattered across the floor and a page of his notebook full of red.
Rin has already left.
.
Haruka is starting to lose sleep.
But it's not because he's trying to avoid those dreams, and it's definitely not because he's afraid of them. What's there to be afraid of, anyway? The absence of colours? The silence? The light that approaches him every night and is slowly but surely taking a familiar shape?
No.
It's just that lately he's been feeling more energetic. Rin would be happy, he thinks, if he knew Haruka is training on land more often. He'd say 'So at last you're taking this seriously!' or something like that, and then he'd want to race him.
It's not like Haruka wants to tell him, anyway. Rin seems a bit distant since the last night he spent at his house. Sure, he talks to Haruka and laughs with him and swims with him, but he's gotten more cautious, like he was suddenly afraid of offending Haruka when he's never before treated him like something delicate that could break at any time.
He knows he has to do something, but he'd rather find the way to stop those dreams first.
Haruka has thought about telling him everything, about taking this weight off his chest. If he's learnt something lately it's that there are things that can be conveyed only through words. But then he thinks about the meaning of those words, about what he could win and about what he risks, and another kind of fear closes his throat.
"Haru," Haruka looks at Makoto, who looks like he just called him for the fifth time. "Are you alright?"
Haruka nods, heading to the lockers without waiting for Rei and Nagisa, who are still messing around in the pool with Momotarou. He briefly wonders where Rin is and why he isn't keeping his team at bay, only to find his answer right after turning around the corner, talking to Samezuka's coach.
"…already sent him your times. He's thrilled to have you there again, you know."
Rin can hardly keep his face from show his satisfaction. No wonder that he doesn't notice Haruka.
(It's not like Haruka is purposefully walking slower so he can eavesdrop on them.)
"I'm glad he wants to keep coaching me, too. I can't wait until I start training in Australia again."
Haruka can feel his heart sink to his stomach, and for a second he's twelve and wants to kick Rin in the shin for doing this again.
He shouldn't feel so much bitterness. He's known Rin will leave again since summer, it's not a surprise.
He just let himself forget it.
.
You can barely sink to your knees. That's not a lake; it's more like a deep puddle.
And, once again, the world is dull and grey.
You are waiting for him; you don't know when he'll come, but you are sure he will, shining and bringing colour to your dreams. So you sit on a rock and kick the water, looking around for that stain of life in that boring world.
It may be hours of only seconds; but finally he appears between two large trees, painting their leaves green, their trunks brown and their flowers pink. By now your eyes have gotten used to him, and you can see his smile through the blinding light.
But as soon as you reach out to touch him, he runs away, so quickly you can't even call his name.
.
It isn't dawn yet, but Haruka doesn't turn the light on. He knows which pencil the red one is –the shortest one–, and he opens the notebook blindly and doddles in the dark. He scribbles a name on the corner of the page, in case he forgets who he was dreaming about.
He almost laughs out loud at himself. As if he could possibly forget Rin.
.
"We are going on a picnic!" Nagisa announces.
"Are we?"
"Yes!" Nagisa doesn't seem affected by Rei's unenthusiastic question. "Next Sunday. I've already told Momo-chan, so Rin-chan and the others will come too-"
"I won't go," Haruka interrupts his friend. Four pairs of eyes look at him. "My parents are going to spend the weekend here."
It's not a lie and Makoto knows it, yet Haruka avoids his eyes.
"Then we can do it another day-" Gou starts.
"No, I think it's better like this," Makoto replies. "I mean, we are quite a lot, so it'll be hard to find a day when everyone can go anyway."
Haruka knows Makoto will want to know what's up, but right now he feels grateful to him.
.
"Is anything wrong with Rin?"
Haruka shakes his head. He doesn't try to make Makoto believe his parents wouldn't let him hang out with his friends; it would be useless, anyway.
"I don't want to see him so often," he explains, realizing too late how bad his choice of words was. "I mean-"
"Did you argue or something?" Makoto asks, confused and worried.
"No, we… It doesn't have anything to do with him. Not exactly." Maybe it would be easier if he just told Makoto everything, but saying out loud he's been having dreams about his rival for weeks is way more embarrassing than just thinking about it. "But we're okay."
Makoto must realize how scared Haruka is, because he doesn't press the issue further.
.
It's not the lack of colour what upsets you.
It's the fact that there is absolutely nothing there.
No trees, no clouds, no rocks. No water.
You don't wait for him. You can't wait for him in a dead place like this, so you walk, hoping you'll find water or colour soon.
You walk, and walk and keep walking, but you find nothing. Only the same dead world where all that is left is grey, without animals or sounds or water.
Without him.
You try to call him, but the empty dream swallows your voice, as if making sure nothing disturbs its silence. You can't even hear your startled cry when you trip over and fall to the floor, only to sit up and find colourless blood flowing from your scraped knee.
But not even the terror creeping up your chest makes him appear.
.
After waving his parents goodbye at the train station, Haruka comes back to his house only to find Rin repeatedly stabbing his doorbell.
"If you break it, you'll have to buy a new one."
Rin jumps out of his skin at the sound of Haruka's voice, turning around so quickly he probably hurts himself.
"Haru! What are you doing here?"
"I live here." Rin snorts. "What are you doing here?"
Rin bites his lower lip, suddenly looking a lot less confident. Haruka waits for him to say something, trying to ignore everything he should have gotten used to by now as he stares at Rin's feet, which is easier than looking at him in the eye. His hands curl into fists, and Haruka hopes it's enough to make Rin believe his fingers aren't trembling.
"I wanted to talk to you," Rin starts, "and since you're avoiding me, I had to come here. Don't worry," he quickly adds, "I won't stay over. I'll get back to Samezuka in the last train."
"I'm not avoiding you," Haruka replies, looking up just in time to catch Rin's raised eyebrow. "I'm not," he insists. Rin doesn't move. Haruka opens the door. "Come in," he whispers, because despite everything he still wants Rin to be close to him. Even if it's somehow painful and he doesn't quite understand it himself.
Rin stays silent while he sits in the living room and Haruka goes to the kitchen to get tea for him.
"Is it something I've done?" he asks, and Haruka freezes with two glasses in his hands.
"No."
"Then?" Haruka hears his sharp breath and turns around. "You… You still want to keep swim-"
"Yes. It's not about that."
Rin's gaze follows him as he places the glasses with the tea on the wooden table and sits in front of him. He rests his head on his hands, his elbows on the table.
"Why are you avoiding me, then?"
"I'm not avoiding you," Haruka repeats, having a feeling of dejà vu when Rin raises his eyebrow again.
Then, Rin sighs.
"You know, it'd be great if this conversation took us anywhere." Haruka runs his index finger over the edge of his glass, trying not to mind Rin's words. It doesn't work.
(Ignoring Rin has never worked.)
"So… I haven't done anything wrong."
"You haven't." Haruka doesn't dare look up.
"And swimming is fine."
Haruka nods.
"But there is still something wrong."
Truth is, Haruka didn't expect Rin to be so straightforward –or maybe he foolishly hoped Rin would somehow get distracted–, and the idea doesn't sit well with him. Because even if he doesn't want to, if Rin is determined to get information he'll definitely get something, and Haruka doubts it'll be something he wants to hear.
"It doesn't have anything to do with you."
"Yeah, of course." Rin rolls his eyes. "Are you acting like this because it's about Nagisa, then?"
Haruka glares at him and thinks about the notebook and the pencils scattered across his bedroom.
"I'm… doing something to fix it." Haruka knows that answer is not going to satisfy Rin, but it's all he can tell him without lying.
"Is it working?"
Haruka cups his hands around the glass as Rin sips his tea.
"You sticking your nose won't work, that's for sure."
"Sticking my- I'm worried about you, you dumbass!"
"You don't need to." Haruka knows he's acting like an idiot and he's successfully pissing Rin off, but he'd rather keep him a bit further away than lose him again. "Just drop it."
Haruka hates seeing Rin this lost. But he can't tell him.
"Not until you let me help you."
Haruka's hands grasp his glass tighter.
"I don't want your help!"
"Like I care." Rin's reply is so quick Haruka thinks he was expecting him to say something like this. "You never want anyone's help-"
"Because I don't need-"
"-and look where that got you in regionals!"
Haruka can feel his blood running out of his face. Rin pales too, already regretting such a low blow. His lips tremble as he tries to form words, but if he gets to say anything Haruka doesn't hear any of it; his heartbeat echoes in his eardrums as he lets go his glass.
"That's…" he starts, not knowing what to say next. He wants to go away, to run until he finds a place where he doesn't have to think about any of this.
"Haru, I just- I didn't mean…" Rin bites his lip. "I shouldn't have said that. But-"
"I'm going for a run." Haruka stands up, not looking at Rin as he gets out of the living room. "You said you could still catch a train."
After putting his trainers on, Haruka walks down the stone stairway, nearly tripping over his own foot, and only stopping when he runs into Makoto, who is coming back to his own house.
"Haru? Are you alright?"Haruka nods, not looking at his friend in the face. "Where are you going?"
Haruka mutters something between his teeth before resuming his fast pace, and starts running when he knows Makoto can't see him anymore.
Away from Rin.
.
The moonlight paints the sea black, the sand a pale grey. There are already stars in the sky, shining like tiny white freckles against a dark canvas.
It reminds Haruka of his recurring, colourless dreams.
The thought makes him kick the black surface harder, droplets of water splashing his clothes. Haruka draws his bare feet back, out of the sea, and hugs his legs as he rests his head on his knees.
It's a pity that it's too cold to swim in the sea.
Rin should have already left, Haruka thinks, but he can't bring himself to get up and walk back to his late grandmother's house. Remembering that he has managed to hurt Rin, that Rin has also managed to hurt him, again, is already too bad without being in the place where it's happened. Right now he's better like this, sitting on the rocks, hidden from anyone who looks at the sea from the street.
He wishes he could hide from his problems too.
When something bothers Haruka, he usually ignores it. When he can't ignore it, he puts up with it until it goes away, not getting anyone else involved.
He can't do any of those things when it's about Rin. Somehow he always forces Haruka to look for the third option he didn't know he had; but this time it doesn't matter how hard Haruka thinks about it: his only options are telling Rin and say goodbye to him or not telling him and… this. Hurting each other and having empty dreams.
"Found you!"
Haruka nearly falls into the water. He turns around to find Rin leaping from one rock to another to get closer to him.
His hands close into fists.
"I told you-"
"Yeah, and I didn't listen." Rin stops a few rocks away from Haruka, brushing red strands off his face. He looks paler than usual under the silvery moonlight, his skin glowing in a way that reminds Haruka of his dreams. Right now, he wishes he was dreaming. "I was looking for you."
"What about your train?"
Rin shrugs.
"It's not too cold to sleep outside." Haruka feels a pang of guilt. "Besides, I bet Makoto is nice enough to let me stay over. He's worried too, by the way."
Haruka stands up slowly.
"I don't have anything to tell you," he states, hoping the darkness is enough to hide his lie.
"And I don't have any train to catch until tomorrow, so we can stay here all the night." Rin crosses his arms over his chest. "Come on, Haru. It can't be that bad."
Haruka stays silent, looking at his wet feet.
"If you failed an exam or something I can help you," Rin offers.
"My grades are fine."
Rin sighs. Then he gasps, and Haruka looks at him, startled.
"You… It isn't… You aren't sick or anything, are you?"
"No." Haruka runs a hand through his hair. "I shouldn't have tried to avoid you, but I'm fine. So leave."
"Not until you-" Haruka huffs and turns around, seriously considering diving into the water to get away from Rin. "Hey, don't. The sea at night is dangerous."
Haruka looks at Rin again.
"Then leave already!" he almost yells, and his voice breaks because he's getting tired of pushing Rin away for nothing.
"Tell me and I'll leave!" Rin raises his voice more than him, and he looks angrier than Haruka has seen him in a while.
"I'd tell you if you were actually able to help!"
Haruka doesn't think about the power his words carry until it's too late. No; he doesn't think at all until Rin's face blanches and his lower lip quivers, but now he isn't trying to come up with the right thing to say, nor does he bite it to stop it from trembling.
"Okay."
Rin's gaze lowers as he turns around and walks from one rock to the next one, not jumping anymore.
And Haruka is thirteen again and a crying Rin is running away from him, and he's sixteen and his world goes dark as Rin tells him they won't swim together again. Haruka's feet start moving on their own accord and before he's aware of it he's running, chasing after the only person he has ever had to pursue.
"Rin!" He barely feels the sharp pain when the edges of the rock scrap his soles. "Rin, wait!" But Rin doesn't seem to listen. He's further away now, leaving Haruka's world dead and grey.
"Rin-"
Haruka slips.
Rin's warning echoes in his mind as the world turns upside down, only to be abruptly cut with a heavy blow on the side of his head. Haruka tries to get up, but the coldness surrounding his legs numbs his senses, and his arms don't want to obey him. He's fallen into a darker night, one without moon and stars, and he can only cling onto the warm body that lifts him from the water, blinking repeatedly as Rin's voice reaches his ears.
"…Running on the rocks… What kind of idiot-" Haruka tries to look around, but he still can't make out his surroundings. His legs hang in the air without touching anything. Is Rin carrying him? "Is that…? Fuck." Whatever that means in English, it doesn't sound like a nice word. "You hit your head, didn't you?"
The world gets clearer as Rin lowers Haruka until he's sitting on the ground. He reaches down to touch sand, making sure they are on the beach, and Rin's face appears before him, angry and worried and scared as his fingers brush Haruka's hair.
"You were in my dreams," he starts, trying to put in order his thoughts. He doesn't want Rin to leave again like that no matter what, "and you shone and brought colour-"
For some reason, Rin looks less angry and more scared. His hands grab Haruka's shoulders as he looks at him in the eye.
"What are you talking about?"
"You wanted to know, so I'm telling you," Haruka explains.
Rin lets out a laugh, though he doesn't seem overly happy.
"Haru, forget that right now-"
"But I don't want you to leave."
Rin sighs.
"I'm not leaving, okay? But you're bleeding and you need-"
"Not now."
"You're bleeding!"
"The dreams started when we came back from Australia." Haruka takes a deep breath. He can tell his head hurts pretty badly, but this is more important. Rin might leave if he doesn't tell him.
Rin shakes his head.
"We'll talk about that later," he insists. "Your trainers… They're on the rocks, aren't they?" He tries to get up, but Haruka manages to grab his arm. "I'll be back in two seconds."
Haruka squeezes his arm, refusing to let go.
"You're supposed to leave after I tell you."
"I said I'm not leaving. I'm-" Rin struggles to free his arm, but Haruka won't let it go until he says what he needs to.
"Listen. Then leave."
"Haru, please." Rin looks desperate.
"At first I thought it was just that I missed you-"
"It's not the time for that-"
"-then I felt guilty and I thought-"
"And where the hell is Makoto when you need him?"
"-and when we went to Australia I thought I was grateful, but it wasn't just that-"
"I'm calling an ambulance and I don't care what you have to-"
"-and I love you."
Incredible as it seems, Rin shuts up and stops struggling. He tilts his head, as if he weren't sure Haruka just said that, and frowns, and then sighs again, biting his lower lip. Haruka doesn't understand why he looks like he's about to cry.
"Exactly how hard did you hit your head?" he asks, so softly Haruka almost misses it.
"You can leave now," Haruka whispers, finally letting go of his arm. "You would've left anyway, so I wanted to tell you at least."
"No, that's not-" Rin shakes his head, his hand tentatively cradling Haruka's cheek. "I told you, I'm not leaving you, let alone bleeding and probably with a concussion."
"Bleeding?"
Smiling, Rin takes Haruka's hand in his and guides it towards a point somewhere below his temple. When Haruka looks at it again, his fingers are stained with dark red.
"That's what I've been trying to tell you for the last five minutes, but you had to-" Rin looks away. "You meant it?"
Haruka frowns at the question, mildly worried when Rin gets blurrier.
"I think so."
"Think?"
"I hit my head, but I was sure before I slipped," Haruka swallows and closes his eyes as his head feels lighter, no longer being able to ignore the throbbing pain from the wound. Rin's hands are back on his shoulders, steadying him when Haruka feels the world swaying around them. "Why aren't you angry?"
He feels a soft kiss pressed on his forehead. When he opens his eyes, Rin's cheeks are flushed, but his moves are a bit more confident.
"Let's try something." Rin's voice is barely a whisper, calm and unusually soothing, and Haruka lets it wash part of his uneasiness away. "We go to the hospital and get you examined, and when you have your wound stitched up, if… if you still are sure you mean what you said, then we'll talk."
The pain is sharper now that Haruka doesn't have anything to distract himself with, but he still knows what he's agreeing to when he nods.
.
When the doctors finally allow him to sleep, Haruka dreams about a colourful world next to a light that no longer blinds him.
Watching over him as they wait for Haruka's parents to get to the hospital, Rin draws circles with his thumb on the back of his hand, not knowing the reason behind the tiny smile that lights up his face.