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A Cultist Goes to Court
by sharnii (previously known as badbard)
Warning: This is a comedic script, containing strong language, violence, and strong hints of sex and other shocking things.
Disclaimer: Xena, Gabrielle and Najara belong to MCA/Universal and Rennaisance Pictures and are used in this parody for purely entertainmental, non-profitable purposes. Alas.
Author's Note: This is version 1.1 of this script. Tried to make some too-obvious jokes, less obvious.
Watch Crusader first so that this piece will make sense. The script starts immediately after the closing credits of that gratifying episode. Also watch out for some slight spoilers regarding Gabrielle's 4th season hair. o.O
For those of you who can't be bothered watching Crusader, Najara is a crazy cult-leader who has the hots for Gabrielle (who seems to have the hots for joining cults). She talks a whole lot about 'love' and 'light', and obeys the wishes of the mysterious unseen 'djinn'.
At the end of Crusader, Xena said Najara was probably going to prison after a 'fair trial'. Ha! Not likely. THIS is more like it...
SCENE 1: INT. COURT ROOM.
THE TIME IS JUST AFTER THE CLOSING OF CRUSADER. THE PLACE IS THE VILLAGE TAVERN TURNED COURTROOM. NAJARA IS ON TRIAL FOR KILLING A COUPLE HUNDRED, NOT SO INNOCENT, WARLORDS & ASSORTED THUGS.
JUDGE
Order in the Court! Would the lovely Najara please take the stand.
CROWD CHEERS AS THE CRUSADER TAKES HER PLACE. XENA & GABRIELLE STARE AT THE CROWD INCREDULOUSLY.
JUDGE
Welcome Najara. We're so happy you honoured our humble village with a visit!
NAJARA (BEATIFIC SMILE)
I love you too.
XENA (GETS TO HER FEET)
Now wait just a second!
NAJARA (BEATIFIC SMILE)
Oh sorry, Xena, did you feel left out? I love you too.
XENA (IGNORES HER)
She's a convicted murderer!
NAJARA (BEATIFIC SMILE)
So are you, Xena but I love you anyway.
GABRIELLE (CROSSES TO XENA'S SIDE)
What Xena is trying to say is that you're all being a little too nice to Najara. It's kinda suspicious. Are you sure she'll get a fair trial here?
JUDGE
We appreciate the fact that Najara killed all those disgusting Warlord scum, we really really appreciate that. Of course we'll give her a fair hearing. We want to hear all about it. In detail! Najara?
NAJARA (BEATIFIC SMILE)
I'll gladly tell you all about it because I love you so very very much. It's quite simple really. There were some nasty bad people doing nasty bad things. I told them I loved them but they were too dumb to understand and went on doing nasty bad things. I told them the Light loved them...
GABRIELLE (INTERRUPTS)
I'm still not clear on what the Light is?
NAJARA (BEATIFIC SMILE)
The Light loves you, Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE
Uh, yeah and that's just dandy but again, WHAT is this Light? Now really?
NAJARA (SOMEHOW MANAGES TO FROWN & SMILE SIMULTANEOUSLY)
I'm afraid my djinn don't approve of that question. Next!
GABRIELLE
And who are the djinn?
NAJARA (BEATIFIC SMILE)
The djinn love you, Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE
Who the bloody Tartarus are they?!
NAJARA (TILTS HEAD, LISTENING TO VOICES)
I'm afraid my djinn don't want you to know that they are really evil twisted spirits playing games with us all for their own selfish amusment. I'm afraid all I can tell you is that they love you and want to welcome you into the Light.
GABRIELLE (BLANCHES)
Oh. Um, my membership in your cult isn't lifelong, is it?
NAJARA (SMILES BEATIFICALLY)
No, Gabrielle. It only lasts until you die.
GABRIELLE
Oh. Goody.
XENA
I told you not to join another cult.
GABRIELLE
But, Xeee-naaa! If I keep joining cults I'm bound to get it right one of these days.
JUDGE
Shut up. Us villagers want to hear Najara speak. Who are you anyway?
GABRIELLE
I'm Gabrielle, bard of Potadeia.
JUDGE
Who?
GABRIELLE
Never mind. This is Xena, the...
JUDGE (SCREAMS)
...Murdering bitch! Kill her! Hang her! Burn her at the stake! Stone her! Draw and quarter her! Paint and half her! Do that all in consecutive steps!
CROWD LEAP INTO ACTION.
GABRIELLE (GETS IN FRONT OF XENA)
NO! She's changed!
CROWD KEEP COMING.
GABRIELLE (BACKS AWAY)
Uh, you're on your own, Xena.
XENA (SARCASTICALLY)
Thanks alot. (MUTTERS UNDER HER BREATH) Get yourself a sidekick, they said! Sidekicks are loyal, they said! Only need feeding a couple times a week, they said!
GABRIELLE
Shut up. I excercise more than you do.
XENA (KEEPS MUTTERING)
Sidekicks are truthful, they said!
GABRIELLE
What do you call all that walking?! And talking?! Being held at knifepoint makes my metabolism speed up. And other places.
CROWD (AS ONE AS THEY ADVANCE ON XENA)
Get her! Get her! Get her!
XENA
So you got me. Now what you gonna do with me?
CROWD (AS ONE)
We're gonna eat you!
XENA ARCHES HER EYEBROW.
GABRIELLE (GETS BACK IN FRONT OF XENA)
Hey, back off, she's mine. Find your own meal ticket.
NAJARA (SPREADS HER HANDS TO HEAVEN)
Only the Light can nourish your soul, Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE
Can the Light dice me up a cute little bunny rabbit?
NAJARA (SMILES BEATIFICALLY)
No but if you're ever in the mood for assorted thug...
JUDGE
Ha ha! Funny and beautiful. Are you married, Najara dear?
NAJARA (SMILES BEATIFICALLY)
No. My love is too much to be had by just one man...
JUDGE (RUBBING HIS HANDS TOGETHER)
Wonderful! You're one of those girls! How much for the night?
NAJARA (SMILES BEATIFICALLY WHILE CRUSHING NECK OF JUDGE)
...or woman. Unless they happen to be named, Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE (BLUSHES)
Awww. Isn't that sweet! Hey, Najara, did I ever tell you I dig your haircut?
XENA (HORRIFIED)
Gabrielle! She's evil!
GABRIELLE
Xena, honey, what do you think attracted me to you in the first place?
XENA
The fact that I was in my underwear?
GABRIELLE
Well besides that, and the way you talked dirty to me.
XENA (SHOCKED)
I did not talk dirty to you!
GABRIELLE
Yeah you did. 'Go home,' you told me, like I was your dog or something.
NEW JUDGE (STARES AT REMAINS OF OLD JUDGE)
I'm afraid we'll have to have a murder trial.
NAJARA (SMILES UP AT HIM)
But why? I love you, the Djinn love you, the old Judge is bathing in the Light as we speak and all's well in the known world.
NEW JUDGE
How do you know all that?
NAJARA (SMILE GETS EVEN WIDER)
The Djinn told me.
NEW JUDGE
Well, okay, since we have the djinn backing up your story. Now onto the original trial. Do we have any witnesses?
PEASANT
I saw Najara in the stables making out with HER. (POINTS AT GABBY)
XENA (SCREAMS)
Liar!
GABRIELLE (PLACATING VOICE)
C'mon, Xena, we haven't heard all the evidence yet.
PEASANT 2
I saw Najara sticking her sword up HER. Again and again and again! (POINTS AT GABBY)
XENA STARTS TO HYPERVENTIALATE.
GABRIELLE (NERVOUSLY)
I'm sure that peasant meant to say 'into', studmuffin. He saw Najara sticking her sword 'into' me.
XENA (BURSTS BLOOD VESSEL IN RIGHT EYE)
Maybe he meant to say 'up into'.
GABRIELLE (STARTS SWEATING)
Nope, it was 'into'. As in, 'into the pulpy flesh of my heart'.
CROWD
Ewww.
XENA (SPEAKS VERY CALMLY)
You're not dead, Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE (BACKING OUT OF ROOM)
Yet.
NAJARA (SMILES BEATIFICALLY)
Gabrielle just wanted to see the Light, Xena.
XENA
'Light', my hiney!
NEW JUDGE
What's a hiney? That sounds like an important piece of evidence. Somebody write that down. What happened after you saw the light, Gabrielle?
GABRIELLE
I heard a rushing sound and felt waves and waves of intense pleasure.
NEW JUDGE
Hmmm. So Najara's one of those girls is she? Where do I sign up?
XENA
The light is evil! Najara is evil! She'll kill you if you don't join, y'know!
NAJARA (SMILES BEATIFICALLY)
Don't be silly, Xena. I give everybody three days to decide. Then I kill them.
NEW JUDGE
Sounds reasonable. Is that why you killed those horrible warlord scum whom we're so glad to be rid of? Because they were indecisive?
NAJARA (VERY BIG TOOTHY SMILE)
I thought they were insincere in their conversion.
XENA
What gives you the right to judge that?
NAJARA (SMILES POINTEDLY AT GABRIELLE)
I think that Xena is insincere in her reformation.
XENA (NERVOUSLY)
Let's get back to the insincere warlords, shall we?
NAJARA (YOU GUESSED IT, SHE'S SMILING)
I loved those slimy bastards very very much but all the love in the world just isn't enough when those morons aren't moronic enough to become my slavish followers and cater to my every whim. And one day, when I'm the only god of this and other multiple worlds and dimensions, I'll admit that those warlord scum are melting into a puddle of fire in Tartarus, because the light couldn't care less about any of you.
CROWD CHEERS.
NEW JUDGE
Here here! What a stirring summation!
XENA
What a nut.
GABRIELLE
It's so sad, Xena. Najara is sooooo close to being this ultimate force of goodness but her driving ambition to kill all life in the universe just makes her so wrong.
XENA
Uhuh.
NAJARA (BEATIFIC SMILE)
I heard that! I forgive you, Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE
Thank you, Najara! Now if only Xena could be more like you in that respect...
XENA (INDIGNANT)
Hey! He was my SON.
GABRIELLE (CONDESCENDINGLY)
Who was your son, Xena dear?
XENA
S...S...Uh...er...DAMNIT! I don't remember his name.
GABRIELLE
That's understandable, honey, you only saw him twice.
XENA
Don't rub it in.
JUDGE
The jury that none of you were aware was in this script has consulted and determined the verdict! Foreman?
FOREMAN
On the charges of helping our village by disposing of all the nasty warlord scum, we find Najara to be guilty...
XENA
Ha ha!
FOREMAN
...so we'd like to present her with a medal, a giant tennis trophy that looks like a plate, a voucher for a 5-dinar-discount at the village tavern on all drinks served after dark on Solstice and the key to the village!
XENA
Huh?
NAJARA (SMILES BEATIFICALLY)
Thank you! I love you very much!
FOREMAN
No, thank you, sweet angel! May you lead us into the light!
GABRIELLE
What's tennis?
XENA
Who cares! How come I never got no key to a village?
JUDGE
Najara is a hero!
NAJARA SMILES & BLOWS KISSES TO CROWD AS SHE ASCENDS TO THE BIG LIGHT IN THE SKY, BREAKING A HOLE IN FLIMSY ROOF IN PROCESS.
SCENE CHANGE! SCENE 2: EXT. VILLAGE OUTSIDE COURTROOM.
NAJARA (RISING INTO SUN)
I love you! I love you all! I love you!
XENA (MUTTERS)
Stupid village ingrates never gave me no tennis plate...
GABRIELLE
Well, do you play?
CROWD
We love you, Najara!
GABRIELLE (SQUINTING INTO SUN)
How the Hades is she doing that rising towards the bright light trick?
XENA (MUTTERS)
Najara is so full of hot air.
NAJARA EXPLODES INTO FLAMES, CROWD BOWS DOWN IN THE DUST, XENA & GABRIELLE WANDER AWAY DOWN THE PATH.
GABRIELLE
Do you think we'll ever see her again?
XENA
Yeah. It'll make a great sequel.
GABRIELLE
I'll look forward to it. In the meantime, Xena, I'm suddenly thinking about cutting my hair...
THE END