Chapter One: The Ice is Getting Thinner

It's been a year today but it feels like yesterday. It was the day that changed everything, the day that ruined everything.

It was early December, as cold as tonight, colder even. Edward and I were riding back from Seattle with the heat cranked up and the music blaring. I'm belting Christmas songs with hands flailing. He's laughing with that crooked smile and shaking his head. After four years and a long afternoon Christmas shopping he's used to me. He's used to the eccentricities, the quirks that I'm too embarrassed to share with most people.

We're ten minutes from home when it happens. His Volvo's bright lights shine against the slick road, through the flecks of white fluttering from the sky. It's a deer that does it, prancing into the road and knocking down the first domino of many. He doesn't swerve but I feel the car lurch as he hits the breaks and then we're skidding, spinning over the icy asphalt. Screams rip from my throat and I'm clutching the cool leather seat. It feels like time is flashing before my eyes and slowing down all at once. Finally after what feels like years or seconds of spinning and falling there's impact and everything is dark.

Looking back I wish I could change that. Maybe if I hadn't fallen unconscious, things would be different now. If I were alert, maybe I could have saved myself. I could have opened the door or broken the window. I could have swam through the water as it cut through my skin, into my bones, a cold I could never forget, and reached the shore without his help. It would be traumatic but maybe it wouldn't be life altering.

It didn't happen like that though. I did black out and he did save me. I don't know firsthand the panic he must have felt, the responsibility for someone's life – my life- lying heavy on his chest. I don't know the time it took to decide an escape route. I don't know how the water felt, impossibly cold and piercing I imagine. I wish I remember all of that but I don't.

The first thing I recall is his velvet voice sounding so scared and so far away. He's saying my name over and over again but I can't speak. It starts to move closer, the sounds and the sensations. It begins with the ice. I feel the chill of it against my back and wrapping around me like an unwanted blanket. Hands are grabbing at my shoulders. They claw at the fabric of my jacket before finding my face with a gentler touch. Everything hurts and I want to scream. I want to cry and run away from the darkness holding me down. Instead I'm trapped, stuck in oblivion and as frozen as the ground around us.

"Bella! Bella! Bella!" My name over and over again and the heartbreaking way he's saying it.

When I finally open my eyes he's right there in front of me, then and now.

"Bella, what are you doing?" His voice is panicked again and it burns inside my chest. Warm hands grab at my jacket and he's pulling me back and away from the railing I'm peering over.

"Edward?" It's a useless whisper. Of course it's him. He's here to save me, like he always does and I fear he always will.

"Bella we've been so worried." He grasps at me, touching my shoulders and then my face, like he thinks I might fade away at any moment.

"I'm sorry." My voice sounds hollow and I swallow roughly to try and make it better.

"You didn't come home. We called but you didn't answer. Your mom, she's called all of your friends." I wince slightly at his words. That will be fun to explain. "She wanted to report you missing but…" He pulls away and glances back to his car, to the blue lights shining over everything.

"I'm sorry." It doesn't sound any better despite my swallowed efforts.

I feel the burning behind my eyes, the need to release what I've somehow managed to keep in all day. I blink hard and fast, trying to seal it away. I don't want to break in front of him, not again. I want to be stronger than this. I know how he sees me. I see the way he looks at me every day, the way he looks at me now, and I hate it.

"Bella, you can't just disappear like that." His voice is more clipped than expected.

I risk a glance at him and find a clenched jaw and hard eyes. He's angry. And then a tear falls, without my permission. I brush it away with my sleeve and hope he hasn't noticed.

"Bella…" his voice is softer now.

"I'm sorry." I can hear the tears in my voice, the sob I'm holding back.

"Stop apologizing." I hear the anger again. It's laced into his deep voice.

"I'm s-" I stop my self before I can apologize for apologizing. "You're mad."

I hear him sigh but I don't look up. I know if I do it'll all break.

"I'm not mad."

"You sound mad." Luckily my voice is sounding better, stronger.

He reaches out again and squeezes my arm lightly through my coat. " I promise I'm not mad." He pauses and huffs again. "I'm worried about you."

"You don't need to worry about me." Once the waterworks feel securely locked away, I lift my eyes back to his. They shine with concern and the flashing blue light.

"It's almost 2 am Bella. It's freezing and you're back here." His eyes drift quickly away and over the railing to the dark water below before they're back on me and searching.

"I wasn't going to jump or anything." It's the truth. I may feel trapped a lot of the time but I never thought to do that. "I didn't even plan it. I just…I just ended up here. I don't know" I look down again, unable to take his piercing stare.

"It's the anniversary." His voice is deeper and my stomach clenches at the sound.

"A year ago tonight." A year ago since the beginning of the end. He sighs at this, a warm gust of air against my skin.

"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry this happened to you…to us." He sounds almost as broken as I feel.

"Stop apologizing." I mimic his words back to him and watch the corner of his lips twitch upward.

"It's cold out here." It's a neutral response and perhaps an attempt to change the subject. He looks around and breathes white clouds against his bare hands.

"I've been colder." His eyes snap back to mine and there's too much written there for me to decipher.

"Me too." He's the one whispering now.

We sit in the quiet for a while longer, drenched in cold and memories we'd rather forget. The water below runs against rocks and frozen edges and the woods rustle in the breeze.

"You okay to drive?" He motions to my truck, pulled off the side of the road, parked in the same spot where the ambulance sat that night.

I nod in response before he continues. "If I get in my car, do you promise you'll follow me home?"

"Promise."

"Bella, I'm not afraid to put you in the back of the squad car you know." His lips are curled again but it doesn't quite reach his eyes.

"Pinky promise." I lift my hand and this time I get a real smile before he links his smallest finger with mine.

"Alright, lets go." And then he's turning around slowly and making his way across the frozen bridge and towards the flashing lights.

I look over the railing again. It's new silver steel and looks strange against the old bridge. The water is tinkling softly below and I listen to the sound for another moment. It's a peaceful noise to most but to me it feels constricting, like a heavy weight sitting in my chest.

Another minute and then Edward honks the horn, breaking the spell and sending a couple of birds flying into the night. That's my cue to go I suppose. I make my way to the truck on numb feet, pull myself into the cab, and crank the growling engine. I wait a few minutes for the engine to warm and stare at the squad car waiting across the bridge. I think about the man inside, the man who saved my life, the man who is my life.

That night, a year ago, changed my life and I don't doubt that it changed his too. I'm thankful to be alive. I didn't lose any abilities or functions and I didn't lose Edward. If I were able to forget it, my life might be back to normal or normal enough. It's not normal though, the night terrors make sure of that. They're the dreams that lurk during the day and pounce at night when I'm most afraid. They claw at my lungs and my soul until I'm a mess of tears and overwhelming fear. When I think I've had a good day, when I think I'm growing stronger, they show themselves to me and they pull him to me like a magnet.

He's always there to rescue me, to see me at my worst and pull me from the abyss. If we didn't share this experience, this nightmare, I'm sure it would be different but it's not. He was there that night and he did save me and unfortunately, I love him all the more for it.

I love his calming whispered words, his constant warmth, and the safety of his strong arms. I love his green eyes and the looks he saves just for me. The looks that say he understands, he knows what I feel and what I need. He knows me better than anyone else, I'm absolutely sure of it.

I love and hate the way he knows me, the way he understands. It's made life easier since the accident but lately it's made things unbearable.

The fact is that I love Edward.

I love him deep in my chest, in the part of my soul that I thought I lost that night. I love him too much and in a way that I know I shouldn't. I love him in an impossible way that he can't ever know, because as broken as things may be now, it's nothing compared to the disaster of him knowing how my soul yearns.

The truth is that Edwards not mine to love so much.

He belongs to someone else.

Someone beautiful and self assured and stronger than I'll ever be.

More specifically, he belongs to my mother, his wife.

I grip my steering wheel hard at the thought of how fucked up it all is, my knuckles burning white against my skin. I'm teary eyes again and wiping at my face quickly. It hurts to feel this way. It digs through my throat and down into my chest and burns like a cigarette left lit.

I don't want to love him. I don't want to wish for him to save me, to hold me, to kiss me.

I wish I could go back to when it started changing. Back to the days when my thoughts and cares concerning him were those of a family member, of a stepdaughter. I want to warn that girl, I want to scream at her and teach her better. It didn't happen like that though. It wasn't quick and recognizable. It snuck up behind me like a thief, tiptoeing on my heels until it was impossible to ignore.

The blue lights on the cruiser turn off in an instant and then he's flashing his brights and easing toward me. I clench my eyes closed for just a moment and then I'm focusing again and putting my rusted truck in drive. I follow him slowly down winding roads. I focus on the white and yellow lines on the ground and the red of his brake lights. I focus on everything I can other than our destination until we're pulling up to it and I can no longer hide.

Home.

My mother.

Our family.