THE TRAINING OF EREGON

CAST
EREGON, new Dragon-rider
OROMIS, teacher
INILZABETH, Elven-queen
SAPHIRA and GLIDYR, Dragons

Eragon belongs to Christopher Paolini; the right to free speech belongs to the people of the United States.

I don't normally write parody, but while showing a friend my An Unexpected Family-Reunion, I came across this piece from several years ago. So, I cleaned it up a little and decided to post it. My misspellings, which were done for comic effect, were left intact. Anyone who can identify the source for the Elven-Queen's name will win a congratulatory PM.

I.
INILZABETH: Welcome to the Forest, Eregon. Here you'll be trained in many things.
SAPHIRA: [blows sparks] Your first lesson will be how to put out a forest fire.

[later]
OROMIS: I'm glad to see you, Eregon. You'll remember me - we talked before, in Farther Dur.
INILZABETH: What? You saw Eregon, and you didn't tell me?
OROMIS: You've seen him too, my queen. For example, you're seeing him right now.
[INILZABETH sighs and walks away, shaking her head.]
OROMIS: Now, Eregon, what do you think your training will include?
EREGON: Um... linguistics?
OROMIS: Perhaps. But your first lesson will be in logic. You can do many things by pointing out the simplest, most logical observations.
EREGON: Like what you pointed out to Inilzabeth?
OROMIS: Exactly.

II.
OROMIS: Listen to the plants.
SAPHIRA: Huh?
EREGON: But, teacher, all I hear are the animals!
SAPHIRA: Who're you calling an animal?
OROMIS: Listen!
EREGON: But I don't hear anything!
OROMIS: Listen! Listen! LISTEN!
EREGON: ...Yes, teacher, sounds are ringing in my ears.
OROMIS: Good.

III.
OROMIS: How can there be a god when there's so much evil in this world?
EREGON: But, teacher, how can there be a world unless there is a god?
OROMIS: We've watched a long time, and we've never seen a god make a world.
EREGON: But -
OROMIS: And so, we can't prove that any god exists, because we've never seen one. Thus, it is proven.
EREGON: But couldn't a god be doing things you can't -
OROMIS: That's our answer; why are you contradicting me?
EREGON: But you said -
GLYDIR: Eregon, I SAY THERE IS NO GOD! LISTEN TO ME!
EREGON: ...Yes, teacher.

IV.
OROMIS: Eregon, the celebration of Renewal of the Blood-Oath is coming up.
EREGON: So you want me to cut myself?
OROMIS: Don't be silly. Everyone needs to make a presentation.

[at the celebration]
INILZABETH: Next is our newest Dragon-Rider, Eregon.
SAPHIRA: You forgot his dragon!
INILZABETH: Oh - all right, next is our newest Dragon, Saphira.
SAPHIRA: Thank you. My presentation is the Skill of a Perfect Dragon. [blows a blast of fire at someone's helmet]
INILZABETH: Thank you... That is a most intriguing shape you left it in... Next, once more, is our newest Dragon-Rider, Eregon.
EREGON: Thank you. My presentation is a poem in the Ancient Language:

ᚠᚢᚦ ᚬᚱᚴᚼᚾ
ᛁᛅᛋᛏᛒ ᛘᛚᛦ
ᚠᚢᚦ ᚭᚱ ᚴᚽᚿ
ᛁᛆ ᛌᛐᛓᛙᛚᛧ

INILZABETH: Why, how amazing! How could you pronounce all that!?
OROMIS: He had a good teacher.
GLIDYR: Make that "good teacherS."
ALL: How utterly amazing!

V.
SAPHIRA: Glydir... what do you think of elves?
GLIDYR: They're very good... quite delicious.
EREGON: [entering] Wha?
GLYDIR & SAPHIRA: #$%&$#%&$%# &%$#!
[They both pin down Eregon]
EREGON: Huh? You can't kill me - I'm a vegetarian! I haven't killed or maimed any animal!
GLYDIR: And we kill animals every day.
SAPHIRA: Now, will you forget what you just heard?
EREGON: I've trained myself to remember everything.
SAPHIRA: Then we won't let you up.
EREGON: I also have the patience of a dragon... from you.
GLIDYR: Then that makes it another matter... How patient ARE we, Saphira dear?

VI.
EREGON: [to himself] My mind's all in turmoil... I need to stand up to those dragons... What should I do...?
OROMIS: [entering] So, how're your meditations?
EREGON: Premeditative.
OROMIS: You're listening to the plants and animals?
EREGON: Yes. [to himself] But they aren't saying a thing.
OROMIS: And what did you hear?
EREGON: Nothing.
OROMIS: You heard Nothing?
EREGON: Absolutely nothing.
OROMIS: Why, Eregon, do you know what that means!?
EREGON: What?
OROMIS: Eregon, you've passed your training!