Hey! Yeah, it's me, Xigbar! Since I'm, like, the Xigbar-MASTA, I've been recently writing down all of Xemmy's…well, "flaws", shall we call them? Little bits of info you're probably NOT supposed to know, and I probably SHOULDN'T tell them, because, well, if Xemnas ever found out about this…

But let's make this as…uh….teen-appropriate as possible. But if you can't handle the facts, TURN BACK NOW.

Disclaimer: Keco-Mari doesn't own me, (kinda obvious, don't you think? And if she DID, it would be IN HER DREAMS!!), Kingdom Hearts, Kingdom Hearts characters, Star Wars' little 'Light sabers.'

So, dudes and dudettes, let the Xemnas madness BEGIN! You have been WARNED.

(A/N: No insult to Xemnas fans BY ALL MEANS.)

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Okay, so when I joined (the Organization), it wasn't sooo obvious. I actually started noticing this whole deal with the Superior when my main target—I mean, Roxas showed up. But then it was really too late.

I guess the little bean had nothing to do with it. I mean, starting out, he was almost as quiet as Zexion. ALMOST being the operative word. But nevertheless, he was a withdrawn little whelp. Until he met Axel.

Biggest troublemaking pair I ever did see. The only runner-up I could think of is when I would look into the mirror, but golly, as soon as it became Organization XIII instead of XII, things never seemed to settle down.

And I was wondering if the Superior was going crazy. But as I remember it, he was always a bit of a kook.

But no, as soon as his 'Key of Destiny' showed up, The World That Never Was got turned upside down. Literally. I was so ticked off, I messed around with the world's gravity. And of course, got beaned over the head for that.

And that's where it all began to get out of hand.

I was sitting in the living room with the TV turned on, when suddenly, the shrimp appeared. Perfect. "The Chosen One" was going to choose his death if he interrupted my favorite show. AGAIN. I wasn't going to miss the shot this time.

But he wasn't alone. Demyx and Axel were with him. Joy. What fun I always had with them.

"Yo, Xiggy;" Axel said, plopping down onto the couch.

"The hell do you want?" I spat venomously.

"Aww…don't be like that. I just wanna watch TV with you." With you are the words that indicated Axel was going all Zexion on me and was scheming something. Besides the word anyway.

"Shove off, twerp." I said in between popcorn bits.

Changing the subject and rethinking his plans, he decided to stare through me with cold, green eyes. It was like Vexen when I 'accidentally' sold all his chemicals on EBay. I mean, who needs carbonated acid mixed with whatever-the-heck anyways?

"Hey, I was thinking-"Axel started.

But I cut him off. "Of some way of getting me off the TV so you could watch Teletubbies for the 1,000th time? Don't think that'll work this time, pal."

"I don't watch-"

"And I suppose you don't want to try interrogating me, poisoning my soup, threatening to flush my favorite poster down the john, robbing me of all sugar whatsoever, and breaking my one and only CD I have left just so I can get off the TV? Well, everything of mine that is left is gone kaput, so I suggest you try violence."

"Or we could have a sleepover!" Demyx suggested. He was denser than the hobo that I remembered got hit by the bus in Twilight Town.

"Come ON, Xigbar! You've been glued to the screen for 4 hours STRAIT. Let us have some time too!" Roxas finally piped up.

"It's been 3 hours and 59 minutes, thank you very much." I said.

Roxas tried to hit me, but I easily knocked him aside.

That was a bad idea. It just so happened that Xemnas had decided to waltz in that very same second. And what's more, he had to come in as soon as I knocked Roxas down. So he was like, 'You dare to touch…' There was silence for a few seconds. I think the Superior ran out of breath. I mean, have you HEARD how SLOW he talks? '…my Key of Destiny?'

And the whole thing was humiliating. Not because I knew Axel and Roxas where enjoying the whole lecturing ordeal, but because it was so dang BORING. He started ranting at about mid afternoon, and was done at about 11:00. And I counted only about 301 words and about 90 pauses. It was so cheesy, I almost hurled. Those three morons where the ones causing trouble, yet I was the one who had to listen to Xemnas drone on. And on, and on, and on…..

But what spooked me the most is that Xemnas stood up for Roxas. Was it that he was probably our best chance we had to obtain Kingdom Hearts? I must know…

But what was really weird was back in Marluxia's garden.

Xemnas was too busy smelling a flower to notice Axel gaping at him. And it didn't end there. Xemnas started picking them. It was sick. And then Axel lol'd. I think he spent too much time with Demyx, because that wasn't bright at all.

"AXEL!"

Axel went pale. What did the loon expect? But I got an idea. I got out my camera and started filming the whole thing.

"Oh…uh…Xemnas….hi," breathed Axel. It looked like he was about to faint.

"It's SUPERIOR to you! And what the heck and you doing here?" He shouted, dropping the flowers.

"Um….what are you doing here?" That was the dumbest question I heard since Demyx asked if he was stupid or not.

"That doesn't matter, you imbecile!" This was delicious. "And if word about…this gets out, you know who I'll-"

"I know; you'll light-saber me, right?"

"They're not light-sabers …you blockheaded idiot!" Oh, goodness. Xemnas talks slow even when he's yelling.

"Okay, okay!" Axel was now as white as a "spookable," as ghosts where called in the 100 Acre Wood. "I will never breathe a word! Promise! Cross my heart-!"

"You don't have a heart. You are a Nobody. And Nobodies don't have hearts. That is why we cannot feel emotions. That is why we strive to obtain Kingdom Hearts!" Xemnas said, taking about 2 seconds for every letter. And Xemnas and Axel spoofed off somewhere with their darkness portals. And I sat there chuckling, thinking how much Xemnas fan girls would pay me for this video.

But that wasn't the end of it. Oh, no.

There was this one time that the Superior wasn't acting like the leader he should be. And that's when Organization XIII started to ACTUALLY notice Xemnas' problem-o.

The VHS player started to forget what the word 'eject' means. In other words, it wouldn't pop the tapes out. You had to FORCE them out, usually ending up in tearing up the film. So the Organization soon learned to just watch DVDs and regular TV until Luxord won the lottery (which would be NEVER), so we could get a new VHS player.

Somehow, though, everyone BUT the Xemnas-dude was aware of this. So, as you can figure out where I'm going with this, which you probably can, unless you're Demyx, the Superior decided to watch Bambi.

Okay, so that's wrong enough. But wait, it gets better…

So Xemmy put the tape in the player, and watched it. I soon realized that what he was watching was so OOC for him, I seriously lost my popcorn, if you know what I mean. But luckily, when I came back from the john, it was over. I don't know what he was smiling about, but it was so very, very wrong. I can't believe my other ever worked with that guy.

Oh, me? I didn't know Xemnas was crazy when I joined this Organization. I just wanted my freakin' heart back!

Anyway, Xemnas tried to eject the tape. There was this ripping sound, like the when Axel starts tearing pages out of Larxene's books for some idiot reason, although that usually involves more stabbing, screaming, running, and giving chase. But the Superior couldn't figure out what was wrong. So, he reached inside the VHS player and grabbed the tape, and pulled. Duh.

Well, soon he realized it wouldn't give him back his beloved tape. So, after yanking on it for several hours, he summoned his "light-sabers" and started beating the crap out of it. I was struggling not to say 'bonehead' when the best-example-of-the-word-stupidity walking in the room.

"Heeeey Xem-a-nas. What's up?" questioned Demyx. Hey, wait. That's a catchy nickname. Maybe I'll use it as a title or something…

Xemnas was too busy trying to save Bambi from the clutches of the "evil" electronical horror to pay any attention to him.

"What'cha dooooooin' with the tape player thingy? You DO know that thing ruins the films, don't you? You're only supposed to watch DVDs, ya' know?" Just the tone of his voice made the Superior glare.

"I KNOW THAT, STUPID!" he lied, and ripped out the tape, only to find the film was sticking out of the back, destroyed.

After much confusion, a few 'GET OUTs', and non-existant tears, Bambi got destroyed into lotsa little Bambi-bits from Xemnas' rage.

And Demyx was like, "Awww man, I wanted to watch Bambi tooooo!" in the most childish, stupidest voice possible. But of course, that 'stupidest voice possible' record was soon broken by Xemnas.

And this was a sight to see. For the dude was getting bloody stupider by the day. Well, maybe you wouldn't call it stupider. We were all kinda crazy since Roxy appeared.

And that's it- Roxas. He was ALWAYS the source of the problem. It's like he gave off some waves or something. For him, it was his advantage against the Superior. For us, it was like some bozo was putting us in a barrel. What? Don't understand? Well, here's an example.

Demyx's drum was stolen one day. Big whoop. He's always loosing SOMETHING. Don't know how he does it, but that's Demyx for you. Good for nothing except target practicing. But, anyway, Demyx finally gathered the courage to tell the Superior. Can't deal with his own problems to save his life.

The Superior really didn't want to bother with Demyx, so he said 'Deal with your own freakin' problems,' or something like that. Demyx flooded out the west hall with tears all the way to his room. I mean, seriously, the guy's got issues. So, since Demyx was always screaming after that when he saw our Superior, I called a meeting to end this madness. Xemnas surprisingly came. So we asked who stole the stupid bean can.

"It's called a drum." Demyx said in between sobs. One glare from Xemnas made him scream and try to run away. It took four of us to hold him down. I thought this was going to be a long night.

But as soon as things settled down, almost everyone averted their eyes toward Roxas. So that was easier than I thought.

"Hey, Roxas? Did you steal Demyx's drum?" This must be the stupidest meeting ever.

"Uh…uh…" It was so obvious. Roxas couldn't play poker and win a penny.

But then he pulled the 'puppy eyes' on us.

It was cute…

Well, I mean, what member of the Organization goes so low as to give their higher-ups puppy eyes??! Rubbish! I hated to look at him. I can't believe the Superior let him into our-

WHOA!! Would you look at Xemnas! You can just tell that he was thinking
"Adorable…I want to squeeze it…" That was too disgustingly weird for me. I left the room. But as I left, I heard him say "Sweeeet!!" in a totally stupid way.

Now I knew Roxas was Xem-a-nas' weakness. I don't know how it got to be that way. There could be multiple reasons. I really DIDN'T want to know. But I figured out that after that little…horror meeting, Demyx was still bean-can-less, Xaldin was driving me crazy with statements such as; "Why is the Superior acting this way?" "Why don't we lock Demyx in the basement so we don't have to hear those infuriating noises?" and yadda, yadda, yadda…

"Okay, Xaldin, first of all, the second question has an obvious answer. Demyx would bawl his eyes out, flood the basement, and make so much noise we'd hear him anyway. As for the first….I don't know. And I really don't want to."

And suddenly, someone, er, I mean no-one started running down the hall, screaming. It was a noise that I'd never heard before. So I stuck my head out the door. My jaw immediately dropped when I saw Saix AIEEEE-ing his fool head off. And as I watched him pass, I was wondering how Moonboy ever got his scary reputation with the way he was screaming. And then a little dog chased after him. Dirtiest little mutt ever. And last came Xemnas, chasing after them both.

"Come back, Tramp! You haven't got your collar yet! And I want to hug yooooou!"

"Hey, Xemnas!" I called out to him.

He stopped running. "What is it, number II, and make it fast!"

"Where's the best place for me to hurl?" Before he could even scowl, Saix darted into my room and hid under the bed, the mutt not far behind. And then Xemnas pounced on "Tramp" and squeezed him.

"Puppyyyyy…." Xemnas cooed. And I was beginning to wonder if I was having a nightmare, and started pinching myself.

"Awwwwww….so cute!" Xaldin said, clasping his hands together. And then, almost about the time I almost passed out from a stupidity-stoke, Roxas came in the room. Should have known he was the center of this swirl of madness. It all kinda reminded me as the time the Superior had me clean all the toilets as punishment for turning Zexion's hair green... HEY! It was soooo his color!

"Uh….Xemnas…I got his collar."

By that time, I was so ticked off. It was entirely his fault. This madness all started with him. He was always the center of attention nowadays. So I summoned my weapons and started targeting him. It took number XIII about 3 seconds before he figured out I was aiming my little missiles of death at him, and before I knew it, I was chasing him down the hall.

"NOOOOO!" Xemnas said, leaping up. "Don't kill my Key of Destiny!! I need him!!" Was it all about Kingdom Hearts to Xemnas, or did 'I need him' mean…Oh, you'll figure it out in the end…

But nevertheless, I soon gave up the chase, for he was faster than me, so it was pretty much a wild Rox-chase. So, Xemnas caught up, and scolded me. Luckily, the Superior was out of breath, so he didn't say as much, but it made him talk even SLOWER, if that was even POSSIBLE.

Well, there were more things that involved Roxas, probably, but for trying to shoot Xemnas' oh-so-special Key of Destiny, I am gonna to be thrown in this little kill-your-eyes-pink room, spending hours listening to some recorded Superior-voice chewing me out, so I better stop right now and let Keco submit the first chapter. Let the other members tell you THEIR point of view of the whole story. But remember: my story is right, 'cause I'm the Super-Xigbar-dude-MASTA'!

And now I'm off to the Pink Room. Lets hope I don't go as ido-freak as Xemnas has gone. And please don't tell him 'bout this story…

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So that was Xiggy's side of the story. XD That wasn't so bad…

Please review, I mean, this job isn't that easy. Risking their lives for some stupid story is a lot to ask from these Nobodies. But it's Xaldin's turn next time around…

BETA'D BY: RA-YUN. LIKE ALWAYS. DIES