THICKER THAN WATER

by Heartwings

In this angst ridden tale, Kathryn uncovers a deep dark secret that tears at her soul and both threatens her ability to command Voyager and her relationship with Chakotay.

THICKER THAN WATER

"Were you trying to kick down my damn door? What the hell do you want?" Kathryn asked as she opened the door to her quarters in response to pounding.

Chakotay entered juggling a casserole dish, salad bowl, bottle of wine and a packet held between his teeth and sat them down on Kathryn's dining table before he could speak. "Hello to you too! I'm sorry, I didn't have a finger I could spare to ring the chime and I'm sorry I'm late, but it took me longer to make the salad than I thought it would."

"Salad?" Kathryn replied as she looked over the things he had brought.

Chakotay began arranging them on the table as he spoke, "Yes, and for future reference, that recipe for 'quick and easy Mediterranean pasta salad' is neither. What did you make, Kathryn, is it in stasis?" He looked through her small galley and replied, "Kathryn, there's nothing here. It's Thursday, did you forget?"

She ran her hands through her hair and inventoried her brain. "Uh, yes, sorry, I must have."

Chakotay returned to the table and started setting it. "We've been having dinner almost every Thursday night for what, five or six years now, how could you forget? Don't worry about it, I'll just replicate something fast and we can still have dinner. Kathryn, now that I think of it, you were pretty scarce today, are you feeling OK?"

She sat on the sofa and propped her feet up on the coffee table. "I'm fine, but, if you don't mind, how about we just skip dinner tonight? I'm a little tired and I have things to do."

Chakotay finished setting the table and joined her on the sofa. He studied her before he spoke. "If you're not feeling well, maybe you should go to sickbay?"

She waved him off, "I'm fine, I'm just not in the mood for dinner, that's all. I'll eat something later, I'm sorry you went to so much trouble, but I'm sure you can find someone else to share it with you."

He reached for her hand, but she crossed her arms over her chest before he had a chance to touch it. "Kathryn, I don't want to have dinner with anyone else, I want to have dinner with you. You have to eat, so how about I replicate something quick and we eat together? I'll leave right after we're done if you want. Are you sure you're feeling OK? You look tired."

At that remark she jumped up from the sofa and started packing up the food he'd brought. "I said I'm not in the mood for dinner, Commander, so you and your food can just get out!"

He sat, dumbfounded, for a moment before he joined her. "What brought that on? Kathryn, if there's something bothering you, I'd be glad to talk to you about it, you did seem rather out of sorts today. Did I do something to upset you? If I did, I'm sorry, I…"

She started shoving the things he'd brought into his arms to cut him off. "Does there have to be something wrong? Can't I just spend the evening alone in my quarters?" When she piled the last of the things into his arms, she herded him towards the door. "Goodnight, Commander, I'll see you on the bridge tomorrow and I'm sorry about…" Her words were cut off as the door swooshed shut.

Chakotay turned and stared at her door, completely at a loss as to what had just happened. Kathryn had seemed preoccupied all day and kept to herself in her ready room, but she did look tired and he had just chalked it up to her not feeling well or, perhaps, not sleeping well the night before. Voyager had recently enjoyed an extended stay in orbit around a beautiful peaceful planet, procured everything they needed to make repairs and the cargo bays were full of supplies and some of the most delicious food they had eaten in years. Morale was very high as they had been granted safe passage for the next two months, nobody had to work extra shifts and they were all free to enjoy more leisure time and virtually no rationing of power or supplies. Everyone's spirits had been high for the last week, even Kathryn's, as they were all glad for the chance to relax and simply enjoy the ride.

Chakotay looked down at his armful of food and realized it was becoming heavy and he no longer had an appetite. Not wanting to see it go to waste, he took it to B'Elanna's quarters and kicked on her door, where he received a considerably more congenial welcome as B'Elanna said, "Free home cooked food? You bet you can come in, Tom should be here in a few minutes! What's the occasion?" She took a good look at him as he put the food down on her dining table. "Chakotay, what's wrong? You look like you just lost your best friend!"

"I might have," he lamented as he flopped down on B'Elanna's sofa.

"Of course you haven't, I still love ya," B'Elanna reassured as she opened the dishes to inspect the food and gave him a smile. She suddenly realized what must be going on as she abandoned the food and joined him on the sofa. "I know, it's Thursday, it's date night! What happened, did the captain stand you up?"

"No, B'E, the captain and I are not dating!" he huffed as he grabbed a coaster off the end table and suddenly found it fascinating.

"Really?" she giggled. "Then, what do you call it when you two have been having dinner every Thursday night for years and you're all dressed up nice, smell good, have food and wine like that and usually don't get home until almost midnight and don't think that I haven't noticed! Chakotay, that's dating!"

He stood and started to leave, but turned to face her and put his hands on his hips. "B'Elanna, they're working dinners, that's all."

"Fine, then, did she stand you up for your 'working dinner' that's not a date, but looks an awfully lot like one?"

He flopped back down on the sofa again and sighed, "Yes."

B'Elanna gave him a pat on the arm. "OK, well then, what happened? Did you two have a fight? She was in Engineering about two hours ago and chewed off my head because the fuel consumption report was ten minutes late this morning. I know damn well she doesn't even look at reports until after the morning briefing and, anyway, I've gotten it to her a few minutes late more than a thousand times, I'm sure, and she has never so much as said a word before, so what's going on?"

Chakotay leaned back into the sofa and sighed, "I wish I knew. She didn't cancel our dinner, well she did just now, but I honestly think she forgot about it and it's not like Kathryn to forget anything. No, far as I know she isn't upset with me about anything, but you're right and she was in a foul mood all day and more than a few people noticed."

B'Elanna looked at Chakotay with concern. "Do you think she could be sick or have a headache or something? Did she report to sickbay today?"

He chuckled, "If she weren't feeling well, sickbay is the last place she'd go, but, no, I checked and she didn't report there today. I asked and she said she was OK, just tired and had a lot to do. That doesn't make sense, with the peace and quiet of this region of space, none of us have a lot to do and I know for a fact she doesn't."

B'Elanna gave the matter more thought. "Well, then, that means you must have done something to piss her off. Think back, did you forget an anniversary, her birthday, to tell her she looked pretty, to say thank you or some man-nesia thing like that?"

Chakotay didn't have to think to respond. "Of course not! Her birthday is in May, you know that, we don't have any anniversaries to celebrate and I honestly don't know what I did… or didn't do. All I know is she's been avoiding me all day, looks tired and, by all accounts, is in a grumpy mood."

"Did she sleep well last night?"

"B'Elanna, I told you, she and I don't sleep together, so how should I know?"

B'Elanna threw a pillow at him and went to set the table. "That's not what I meant and you know it! You live next door to her and the bulkheads are like paper, so you probably heard her if she didn't sleep well. I live next door to Phillips and, heaven knows, I know whenever he farts which, by the way, is a lot, and I know when he had a bad night… or had company. I know Janeway has problems sleeping and roams the ship until all hours sometimes, but I didn't hear about her poking her nose into Engineering last night. Did you hear anything through the bulkhead?"

He thought for a moment, "No, but I did surprise inspections last night, didn't get back until late and was so tired I was asleep before my head hit the pillow, so I probably wouldn't have heard anything. You know me, I slept through a red alert once."

B'Elanna returned to the table and finished setting it. "Maybe that's it, she was pissed you did the inspections instead of something else… spending time with her? Will you stay and have dinner with us?"

He joined her and helped. "No, that's not it, she ordered me to do them. I'm just gong home, I'm not really hungry, I'm afraid I wouldn't be very good company and I only made enough for two. You and Tom enjoy the food and you can just leave the bowls outside my door."

B'Elanna gave him a hug. "OK, thanks, and I hope you and the captain can get whatever it is worked out. I'll see you tomorrow, goodnight and thanks again."

Chakotay returned to his quarters, took a shower and stretched out on the sofa with a book. He had no idea why Kathryn was so upset with him and it certainly wasn't like her to forget their weekly dinner, the woman hardly ever forgot anything. They'd had dinner in the mess hall the evening before and she had asked him to do some surprise inspections in the crew quarters on the lower decks and said she was going to start a new book and turn in early. When they parted they did so by exchanging warm smiles and a discrete hand clasp under the table as they usually did; nothing was out of the ordinary.

It was true she looked tired, but she usually let him know when she wasn't feeling well and she had said nothing specific. Kathryn had her secrets, he was sure, but she was seldom secretive about her health as, if nothing else, that was something she thought the first officer should be aware of. He could think of nothing he had done, so he finally chalked it up to her being entitled to have a bad day and returned to his book.

Over the course of the next day, Kathryn remained short tempered and aloof, spending most of her time holed up in her ready room and either ate there, in her quarters or not at all, he wasn't sure. She and Chakotay left the bridge at the same time at the end of their shifts and shared the turbolift down. He gave her a smile and invited her to the mess hall for dinner, but she curtly replied no, without any explanation. He pressed his luck and asked if she would join him later at Sandrine's and shoot a few games of pool, but all that did was produce a wan smile and another no before she ducked into her quarters.

After dinner he returned to his quarters, grabbed his computer and set himself up on his bed to work, as the common bulkhead his bedroom shared with Kathryn's gave him the best chance to clandestinely keep tabs on her. Chakotay smiled to himself, he was probably the only one on the ship who was glad they'd had to send Voyager out before she was completely finished and the soundproofing had never been added between the bulkheads. He really had nothing that needed doing that evening, but got a jump start on the crew evaluations he'd been assigned to do that month. Finishing up the ones for the maintenance crews he decided to hand deliver them to Kathryn. There was nothing pressing about what were essentially reports on Voyager's janitorial staff, but they were a good excuse to look in on her and see what she was up to and, perhaps, get her to talk. He replicated a bottle of wine, but immediately realized that would look too contrived, so he put it aside and replicated some caramel brownies. If there was one thing that Kathryn loved in this galaxy or any other, it was caramel brownies, and she had long ago entrusted him with her mother's secret recipe.

Chakotay had to ring three times before Kathryn finally granted him entry. He immediately began to fear that the reason it took her so long was because she'd fallen asleep and he'd awakened her, but she was still in full uniform and seated at her desk, so he knew that wasn't the case. As he entered she shut off a PADD and quickly shoved it in a drawer. He didn't see what she was looking at, just that it was a pink civilian PADD and not a Starfleet PADD, so she must have been doing something personal and not working. Normally he could read Kathryn's face perfectly, but it seemed to be devoid of any expression, so he decided to place a smile on it as he slid the plate of brownies in front of her, gave her his most sincere smile and said, "I come bearing brownies and I finished the maintenance personnel evaluations early. How about I replicate us some coffee or tea and we take a break together?"

She pushed her chair back from her desk a little and pulled her computer towards her, suddenly intent upon it. "No thanks, I had a huge dinner, I'm not really hungry. If you'll excuse me, I still have a lot of work to do. Goodnight, Chakotay."

He wasn't going to leave without a fight, so he slid the chair opposite her desk closer to it, grabbed a brownie and took a seat. "Kathryn, since when do you refuse a brownie?" She made no reply, so he idly picked up a book off her desk. "The Collected works of T'Plana-Hath - Volume One. Are you reading this? I hear it's drier than the dust on Vulcan, even Tuvok said…"

Kathryn jumped up, snatched the book from his hands and cut him off, almost shouting, "Goodnight, Chakotay!"

Seeing that her desk was devoid of its customary coffee cup, Chakotay rose and started for the replicator. "Kathryn, won't you at least take a break and have a cup of coffee with me or would you prefer…"

She slammed the book back onto the desk so hard it bounced the brownies on the plate. "I said dismissed, Commander… and take your damned brownies with you!"

He immediately started for the door, realized he'd forgotten the brownies and turned around, but the expression on Kathryn's face was so intense that he thought better of it and kept heading for the door. Kathryn had occasionally shouted at him in a professional capacity, but he didn't ever recall her shouting at him over a personal matter and wasn't certain he'd ever seen that look of anger in her eyes before. As the door slid shut behind him he heard a loud thump and clatter of metal on the other side, which he surmised was probably the brownies. As Chakotay looked up B'Elanna stood in front of him, apparently wishing she weren't there.

She finally managed to compose herself and smiled. "Hi, Chakotay. I wanted to talk to the captain about Crewman Gontag, but I take it now wouldn't be a good time?"

He took another look at her door and started for his own, "No, I'm pretty sure it's not. C'mon back to my quarters and let me know what's on your mind and I'll see if I can handle it as Kathryn would probably just shove any problem crewman out an airlock right about now… and me right after them."

B'Elanna followed him into his quarters and picked up the bowls from the night before she had left in front of his door. "Thanks again for the food, it was really good." She handed him a PADD before she took a seat. "Here's the report on Gontag. She's been in Engineering for almost six months now, is such a friggin' moron she's hardly useful, just doesn't fit in and, if someone doesn't transfer her out, I'm going to kill her." Chakotay activated the PADD, but B'Elanna rose, grabbed it from him, threw it on the coffee table and sat back down. "Never mind that, what just happened with you and Janeway? I wasn't eavesdropping, but I heard her shouting from out in the corridor and saw your face and heard whatever it was hit the door."

"Brownies."

"She threw brownies at you?"

"No, at the door. If she'd thrown them at me, I'd be digging pecans out of my flesh right now." He looked up a managed a little grin. "You know what deadly aim she has."

"And I also know no sane woman would throw away chocolate, so what's wrong with her?"

Chakotay rubbed his face, raked his hands through his hair and thought. "I don't know, I honestly don't know. I just took some reports and the brownies to her. OK, so it was an excuse to see how she was and maybe talk, and she threw me out. She won't talk to me, so I have no idea what's going on, but I'm worried about her and, before you ask again, nothing happened between us that I'm aware of. She's worse today than she was yesterday, but I don't think anyone so much as went near her today, so I'm still clueless."

B'Elanna laughed, "Are you kidding? Word's gotten around, I overheard the maintenance techs drawing straws to see who HAD to go up there and clean her ready room today and they usually fight over who GETS to. The whole damn crew is afraid of her; you're the first officer, can't you do anything?"

He threw up his hands. "I just tried! You got any brilliant ideas? She's the captain, I can't do anything official unless I feel the operation of the ship is affected and, while people are concerned about her and ducking for cover, she is doing her job and can do it from her ready room, her quarters or the broom closet if she so chooses. I'm her friend, but I don't think she sees me in that capacity right now."

"Yeah, you don't usually throw brownies at your friends… unless they're Tom Paris of course. Speaking of which, I have to go. Good luck with the captain, let me know if I can do anything to help her," B'Elanna replied as she gave him a hug and left.

Chakotay settled back onto his bed and tried to sort things out. He could hear occasional slight noises from Kathryn's side of the wall, but not enough to know what she was doing. Figuring work would be as good a distraction as any, Chakotay grabbed his computer from the foot of the bed and started looking into the Crewman Gontag problem. After a while he heard Kathryn's shower activate and then the room was quiet, so he assumed she had gone to bed and did the same.

With so much weighing on his mind, Chakotay wasn't able to fall into anything more than a light and fitful sleep. A little after 0200 he heard noise from the other side of the wall again and the slight hiss of the doors as Kathryn left her quarters, her footsteps down the corridor and the faint whoosh of the turbolift doors. It was not unusual for her to roam the ship when she was unable to sleep and he knew from experience she preferred to do this alone, so he resisted the temptation to get dressed and follow her as he knew she'd accuse him of checking up on her… and she'd be right. He did give in and consult the computer as to her location. Upon finding out that it was sickbay, he was worried something really was wrong with her, but relieved she had chosen to consult the doctor. Kathryn was generally very open about her health and it seemed odd she hadn't told him what was wrong, but he thought that it could perhaps be what his father always referred to as a 'woman's matter', and thus not something women discussed with male friends and family. Kathryn was always open, but she was secretive and old fashioned about some things, so perhaps this was one of them. He also knew the doctor was obligated to inform him of anything serious affecting the captain's health, so he would either hear about it in his morning report or be assured it was indeed nothing serious. When Kathryn returned about a half hour later he waited until it sounded like she was asleep and got a few hours of sleep himself.

Chakotay overslept and had to rush to eat breakfast and get everything done before the morning senior staff meeting. A quick check of his morning reports revealed nothing from the EMH, so he was at least relieved that Kathryn didn't have a serious medical problem. As he was on his way to the conference room for the morning briefing, Kathryn commed him and asked him to run the meeting without her and send her anything she needed to see. She offered no further explanation and cut the link before he could ask any questions.

Chakotay went through the rest of the morning and early afternoon not seeing or hearing from Kathryn. He had checked and knew that she was in her ready room and surmised she must have gone there extremely early as no one had seen her, but she was attending to ship's business, so he had no real reason to disturb her. Finally at about 1500 he couldn't stand it any longer and decided to use the matter of hapless Crewman Gontag as an excuse to speak with Kathryn in person. He also knew she usually took a coffee break at 1500 and it was probably the best time to approach her. His finger shook a little as he rang the chime to her ready room door. Chakotay figured the worst she could do was either deny him entry or send him packing after they discussed Gontag, but such a problem crewman really was a legitimate reason to see her and he would have discussed it with her in person any other day as well.

To his surprise she allowed him entry and, although she looked as if she hadn't slept all night, she offered the slightest of smiles as she looked up from her desk and said, "Good afternoon, Commander. What do you need to see me about?"

He waved the PADD at her as he took a few steps towards her replicator, "Join me for coffee, my treat? I'm afraid we have a problem child on our hands, Gontag didn't fit in in Engineering either and B'Elanna wants her transferred out because she's disrupting the whole department."

"So, transfer her," Kathryn replied, not looking up from her desk.

He went ahead and replicated two cups of coffee, put them on her coffee table and took a seat on her couch. "I'd love to, but it seems nobody else wants her either. Join me for coffee, Kath… Captain?" he corrected, remembering that she had chosen to address him formally. She didn't reply so he took a sip of his coffee and asked again, "Coffee? It's good!" He knew her weaknesses.

Finally she reluctantly joined him at the far end of the sofa and took a sip as she looked at the PADD he'd brought. "Transfer her to Security, Tuvok will get her straightened out."

"I just talked to Tuvok, he doesn't want her."

Kathryn punched a couple buttons on the PADD and tossed it on the coffee table. "Tough shit, she's his problem now. Was there anything else, Commander?"

He took a long sip of coffee. "Yes, Captain, there's another problem crew member and her behavior is disrupting the entire ship, everyone's worried about her, especially me."

She picked the PADD up off the table, tossed it into his lap and held up her hand. "I can see where this is going, you're dismissed, Commander."

Chakotay quickly slid over and took her hand in his. "Kathryn, I'm worried about you. I know something's wrong, it's affecting the entire ship, and I want to help you. Won't you please talk to me? Kathryn, what's wrong?" She didn't answer and he fully expected her to twist her hand away from his and throw something else at him, however Kathryn sat, almost catatonic, so he went on. "Kathryn, I'm your friend, I care about you and I want to help you, so won't you please tell me what's been bothering you the last few days?"

She remained in place, still with an empty look to her eyes and her hand went limp in his as she replied, "It's nothing, I'm not feeling well, that's all… I went to see the doctor about it last night and he gave me some medicine. I'm fine, Chakotay, really." She snapped back to the present and withdrew her hand from his. "If there's nothing else, I have a lot of work to do."

"Kathryn, I know you went to sick bay last night… and I also know the doctor told me this morning he was running a self diagnostic last night and didn't see you, so he didn't give you any medicine. I've never known you to lie to me, so what's going on that you would? You told me last night you had a huge dinner and I know you never went to the mess hall and I checked and the only thing you replicated in your quarters was too much coffee and a slice of dry toast, so I know that's another lie you've told me and you're not eating. Do you have a medical problem, are you sick or something? You don't need to discuss the particulars with me, but you need to get it taken care of."

She tried to smile to placate him, but it didn't come off well. "For the last time, I'm fine, there's no need for concern, Commander."

He saw right through her and grinned, "So we're back to 'Commander' again, huh? Since when do you and I address each other formally in private? OK, Captain, if you prefer, I just made an inquiry about your health that was well within the scope of my job to make and you just out and out lied to me for the second time in twenty-four hours. Most of the crew is running around scared to death of you and your recent very surly attitude and short temper. The rumor mill has produced everything from 'she's got terminal PMS' to 'she's pregnant' to 'she just found out something really awful about not being able to get home and won't tell us'. The crew is justifiably upset and so am I. Hell, Tuvok even asked me if you and I had had a spat!"

It was obvious Kathryn's blood was well on the way to the boiling point, but she had to laugh at that one. "A spat? A spat? Tuvok actually said that?"

Chakotay grinned and rubbed his chin, "Well, no, I believe his actual words were 'a disagreement of a personal nature'. My point is, even he is concerned about you. Ka… Captain, your welfare is crucial to the smooth operation of this ship, so it is our job to be concerned about it."

"I know," she capitulated, "You were right, it's just a really bad case of PMS and I'm sure I'll be fine by tomorrow, so let's just drop it. I apologize and I'll apologize to Tuvok and everyone else, OK?"

"No, it's not OK. I know you're lying to me again, it isn't the right time of the month for PMS, I know…"

"What!" Kathryn shouted as she bolted from the sofa, jammed her hands on her hips and cut him off. "What, now you think it's in your job description to keep track of my menstrual cycle? Dammit, Chakotay, you're out of line here, way out of line!"

He stood and stared her down. "No, I don't keep track of it per se, I just kind of know. I know you, so I know. We lived together for a couple months on New Earth, remember? The point is you're lying to me, lying about seeing the doctor, about eating, about your period and heaven knows what else. That's not like you, Kathryn, you're not a liar. You're not eating much, not sleeping much, lying and have become difficult for the crew to deal with and that's disrupting this ship and it is my job to point that out."

"So noted. Dismissed, Commander." He started to open his mouth to speak, but she took a step closer, looked up at him and the blue-gray lava flowing from her eyes silenced him. Janeway very slowly and loudly enunciated, "I said you are dismissed, Commander!"

Chakotay didn't dare challenge her and nodded curtly before he left. He stopped in front of his chair on the bridge, but being in the presence of other people wasn't something he needed right now, so he politely advised Tuvok he would be in his office and left. As always, Tuvok knew Chakotay's encounter with the captain had not gone well, however he trusted him to know what would be the best course of action in relation to her and to take it, especially if her problem were of an emotional nature.

Chakotay sat at his desk, leaned back in his chair and stared at the ceiling for a good ten minutes before he reached to tap his comm badge to see if the EMH were available to talk to him. He stopped himself, realizing that, if he raised any concerns about the captain, the EMH would be obligated to officially note them in his log and it would become a part of her permanent medical record. Something was wrong, of that much he was certain, but he was not willing to place a blot on Kathryn's record at this time and make an official inquiry. He had the authority, as first officer, to order the doctor to order the captain to submit to a medical exam, but he wasn't about to use it as it would undoubtedly cause irreparable damage to their relationship if her problem were, in fact, not medical. Chakotay knew Kathryn had the next day off, so he resolved to see if a day off did her any good and would let the matter rest until Monday. If she were still not herself after the Monday senior staff meeting, he would discuss the matter with the doctor and they would come to a decision as to the best course of action.

The door chime brought him back to reality all too quickly. Thinking it might be Kathryn, he quickly tidied his desk, ran his fingers through his hair, stood beside his desk and put on a huge smile before commanding come.

"Obviously you were expecting someone else?" Tuvok asked as he arched an eyebrow while Chakotay dejectedly sank into his chair.

"Sorry, I was hoping it was the captain, to be honest. Nothing personal, Tuvok. Let me guess, you're here because you're pissed about Gontag's reassignment, which was the captain's idea by the way."

Tuvok sat, clasped his hands and gently placed them on his lap. "To say I am 'pissed' would not be a correct assessment, however I do believe the term would currently be applicable to Crewman Gontag. Actually, I think assigning her to my staff was the logical choice, for I am best qualified to effect a positive change in her work habits and demeanor."

"Of course," Chakotay nodded, trying not to giggle.

"Actually, I am here to ask if you made any progress in ascertaining the cause of the captain's apparent distress or have you at least developed some plausible theories? I have given the matter considerable thought, but have come to no conclusions as to what precipitated such an abrupt change if it was not due to a personal matter between the two of you, as I am aware that the captain considers your friendship to be quite valuable."

Chakotay leaned back in his chair and clasped his hands behind his head. "As I told you, nothing happened and, no, I still don't have any idea. She seemed fine when she left the bridge Wednesday and, when I went to her quarters for our weekly dinner Thursday night, she was different."

"Have you considered inviting her for a recreational activity that she enjoys? Perhaps the diversion would be of benefit to her."

"Yes, I tried. She has the day off tomorrow, so I think it might be best to see if that helps and take the matter up again on Monday. She's doing her job just fine, in fact she's more productive than she's ever been, so I don't want to make any sort of official move until Monday."

"Agreed," Tuvok said as he rose from his chair. "If you will excuse me, Commander, I must check on Crewman Gontag's progress. I have assigned her to inventory and inspect all the hand phasers on the ship and prepare a report."

Chakotay chuckled, "That sounds pretty boring, but any idiot can do that, so I guess it will give her confidence that she can actually do something right, which, according to B'Elanna, she can't."

Tuvok clasped his hands behind his back as a slightly amused expression crossed his face. "Negative. In fact, I fully expect her to fail. I have intentionally placed two defective phasers among the rest and removed three phasers from the ship's stores, so her inventory should not correspond to the manifest. I anticipate she will hand me a report saying all phasers are functioning properly and accounted for; it is an integrity test. Once she understands the importance of integrity on a starship, we can work on her other problems. If you will excuse me, Commander?" Tuvok asked as he bowed slightly and left Chakotay's office.

Integrity, he thought, that was certainly one of Kathryn's problems right now, and something he had never known her to lack before and couldn't imagine what would motivate her to tell lies. If Kathryn were going to lie, she would do it well and she most certainly hadn't. Chakotay checked the reports he had given to her the evening before and she had already reviewed and signed off on them. In fact, she had done things she usually delegated to others and had been so efficient she'd left almost nothing that needed to be done. Whatever was wrong, it was not affecting Kathryn's ability to do work and she seemed more efficient than she had ever been. Throwing herself into her work and becoming super captain to avoid personal problems, that was so Kathryn! She had left him a personal message regarding the problems with Gontag. It was polite and to the point, nothing different than she would have sent him at any other time. Thinking perhaps a message might be the way to go, he sent her one thanking her for her thoughts on Gontag and asking if she would accompany him to the mess hall for dinner. The reply came quickly: No, thank you, I'm too busy. Chakotay leaned back in his chair and laughed, she had been so busy there wasn't anything for her to do. Kathryn had done all her work and half of his.

Carefully planning out the remainder of his day, Chakotay decided to return to the bridge prior to his and Kathryn's shifts ending, so he could catch her on her way off the bridge and, perhaps, ultimately persuade her to have dinner with him. When Harry and the rest of the evening shift came on duty, he hung around and pretended to be working, but realized everyone was staring at him and wondering what he was doing there, so he finally left and went to the mess hall for dinner. Kathryn never arrived for dinner and a quick check revealed that she was in her quarters, so he grabbed a tray for her and hoped she would at least invite him in. As her door slid open she was sitting on her sofa with a book that she quickly put aside when he entered. "Good evening, Kathryn. Sorry to interrupt, but Neelix made pot roast tonight, everyone was raving about it and I know how much you like pot roast, so I brought you a tray." He started towards the coffee table, hoping she would invite him to stay. "Shall I put it here?"

She looked up and smiled, but her eyes weren't smiling with her. "Yes, thank you, that was very thoughtful of you. Goodnight, I'll see you tomorrow."

Chakotay pressed his luck. "Mind if I sit down and stay for a few minutes? I have some thoughts on some… uh… personnel changes I'd like to discuss with you."

"Not tonight, I'd prefer to discuss them after the staff meeting on Monday morning. Goodnight," she said again as she grabbed a PADD off the end table and started reading. When he didn't immediately head towards the door, Kathryn again said, "Goodnight, Commander."

Realizing a third goodnight was terminal, Chakotay smiled warmly and said, "Goodnight, Kathryn, enjoy your dinner and I hope you feel better in the morning. Sleep well."

He started for the door slowly, but no more words came out of Kathryn. On the other hand, no foul words, lies or accusations had come from her either, so maybe it was actually progress. Chakotay returned to his quarters and took out the sand painting he had been working on, hoping he could finish it up. After several hours he decided it was finished and, quite pleased with it, propped it up on his bookshelf and headed for bed. He hadn't heard anything from Kathryn's quarters and was certain she hadn't left, so he hoped she had at least eaten something and, perhaps, gone to bed early or fallen asleep on her sofa reading as she sometimes did. Chakotay took a shower and, still unsettled about Kathryn, took out his medicine bundle in order to see what his spirit guide might suggest. As he sat on his bed to begin, he heard something from Kathryn's side of the bulkhead and stopped to listen. He could hear something, but wasn't sure what it was, so he put his ear against the bulkhead to listen and it became very quickly apparent she was crying.

He jumped up and started for the door as he had never heard her crying, but stopped as he was sure she would never let him in. After listening a few more minutes while her sobs tore through him like phaser blasts, they seemed to subside, so he put his head on the pillow, but he couldn't will his eyes to close. The crying started again, louder this time, and he finally couldn't stand it and felt so compelled to go to her that he was not able to stop himself. He rang the chime at her door, but received no reply, which was exactly what he expected would happen. Knowing that it might be the last straw and ruin his relationship with Kathryn forever, Chakotay let his heart overrule his head, keyed in his override code and entered her quarters.

The lights were still on in the living room and he immediately noticed the dinner tray he brought her was still on the coffee table, apparently undisturbed, and her book lay beside it. The bedroom was dimly lit and he could hear her crying, crying so hard she was having difficulty catching her breath. He walked to her bedroom door and softly called her name, but she either ignored him or didn't hear him, so he took a few steps in and spoke louder to the tiny bundle curled up in the fetal position on the bed.

Kathryn looked up at him, bolted into the bathroom and shut the door before he had a chance to say anything else. He stood outside the door and listened to her cry and then the unmistakable sound of her vomiting. Chakotay reached to override the bathroom door, but stopped himself, realizing nobody likes to vomit in front of someone else, and Kathryn would have to eventually come out. The vomiting was followed by more crying and then he heard a crash that sounded like glass breaking, so he overrode the door. Kathryn lay on the floor beside the toilet, holding up a bloody hand.

"Kathryn, my gods, what happened?" He grabbed a towel. "Here, wrap this around your hand to stop the bleeding. Are you alright? Come on, let's get you to sickbay. Here, let me, you have to apply pressure to stop the bleeding."

"Ouch!" Kathryn squeaked as tears streamed down her cheeks. As he held her right hand, she wiped her face with her left and tried to pull herself together enough to speak through her sobs. "I don't need to go to sickbay, it's just a little cut, it's not that bad. I was reaching for a tissue and I knocked over a bottle and it broke and I tried to pick it up."

Chakotay helped her up and sat her down on the edge of the tub. "Here, let me take a look at it, I think it's almost stopped bleeding. Let's rinse off the blood so I can get a better look at it, OK? Do you think you can stand?" She nodded, so he helped her to her feet and to wash off the blood. It was apparent she probably couldn't stand without his help, so he kept one arm on her back to steady her. "It doesn't look that bad, but I still think you should let the doc check it out. Come on, let's get you to sickbay."

"No, I don't want to go to sickbay, I mean I can't, not like this. I'll just run a dermal regenerator over it, apply ointment and a bandage and it'll be OK."

Chakotay handed her a glass of water as he took out Kathryn's first aid kit. "Here, rinse your mouth out and have a seat and I'll fix up your hand. Kathryn, why did you vomit, are you sick?" She shook her head as she sat on the toilet lid. "Kathryn, you're not… well, there's a rumor, you're not… you're not pregnant are you?"

"What? No, of course not! What ever gave you that idea? Oh, yeah, me crying my eyes out and puking. Chakotay, I assure you I'm not pregnant. I forced myself to eat the roll off my dinner tray and I don't think it agreed with me. Chakotay, what the hell are you doing here?"

He spoke as he fixed up her hand. "I overrode the lock and let myself in. I did ring first and then call to you, but I didn't get a reply. Kathryn, I'm sorry, but I heard you crying and I just couldn't take it. I know something is wrong and you're hurting and I want to help you. Listening to someone you love hurting and crying is the hardest thing to do and I just couldn't, I had to come over here. I'm sorry I invaded your privacy, but I just couldn't sit there another second and listen to you."

Kathryn looked up and rubbed her face again as her tears just wouldn't stop. "You love me?"

"Yes, Kathryn, of course I love you." He grabbed a tissue and wiped under her nose and began to laugh. "You gotta really love someone to clean off their snot, don't you? Here, blow your nose. Kathryn, in six years I've never heard you cry like that, what's wrong?"

She blew her nose again and inspected his doctoring job as he cleaned up the blood and broken glass from the floor. "Thanks, that's better. Chakotay, I do cry sometimes, it's just that I never let anyone hear me. I think I need to lie down, please."

She tried to stand, but it was obvious she was too weak, so Chakotay scooped her up, carried her to the bed and sat her down on it. "That nightgown doesn't cover up too much, where's your robe?"

Kathryn waved him off with her good hand, "I don't know, I don't really care right now, don't worry about it."

Everything she had worn in the last couple of days was strewn about the room, so he rooted around as he said, "Kathryn, I think you're pretty and the spirits know I enjoy looking at you, but not here and now, not under these circumstances, so let's just put your robe on, OK?" He found it on the floor under a uniform and draped it around her shoulders. "Kathryn, have you eaten anything… anything substantial?"

"A little, but not much since lunch Wednesday or maybe it was Thursday, I don't remember."

He knelt down so he could meet her at eye level. "Is there something wrong with your stomach, have you been vomiting?"

"No, I haven't, I swear, I think it was the crying. I cried so hard it made me sick, that's all. I had so much bottled up inside and I guess it all just had to come out. If you'd get me something, I'll try to eat it; I know I'm weak. Maybe some tea and a couple crackers?"

"OK, coming right up. Here, let's get you propped up in bed and you can put your hand on a pillow and elevate it so it doesn't throb so much, the pain should be gone soon, it looked like it closed up well." Chakotay got her into bed comfortably, threw a blanket over her and returned with the tea and crackers. "It's chamomile, that should calm you and help settle your stomach and I put lots of honey in it because your blood sugar's probably low. May I sit on the bed?" She nodded, so he did. "Kathryn, will you please talk to me and tell me why you're so upset, what's been bothering you? Was it something I said or did?"

She finally smiled. "No, of course not and I do apologize, I know I have been a little evasive and short with you the last few days. OK, a lot, and I've lied to you and I do apologize. I just needed some time to myself, that's all."

"No need to apologize, but can you tell me why, tell me what the problem is? I'm your friend, Kathryn, you can talk to me and whatever you tell me won't go farther than this room. I want to help you, but I've wracked my brain and I just can't imagine what has you so upset. Will you tell me?"

She took a couple sips of tea and handed him the mug so he could place it on her nightstand. "OK, yes, I thought I could handle it, but obviously I was wrong. Can you please go get me the book on my coffee table, the T'Plana-Hath book?" Chakotay didn't think that made much sense, but he got the book and handed it to her. She held it to her chest and started sobbing softly again before she handed it back to him. "Chakotay, there's a letter inside the book, find it and read it."

He leafed through the book and an old handwritten letter on paper was stuck between the pages, so he took it out, read it and then reread it. "Wow, your father wrote this to your mother?"

"Yes, that's his handwriting and she gave me this book to read before I left, but I didn't take it down to read it until Thursday afternoon as I was none too anxious to get into Vulcan philosophy. Obviously Mom didn't know the letter was in there because it's something she certainly wouldn't want me to see. " Kathryn started crying again as she sank back into her pillows. "Chakotay, I'm not really a Janeway!"

"Kathryn, the letter doesn't say that!"

She shoved the letter at him. "Read it again, it does too, it says Momma had an affair and got pregnant and that Daddy forgave her and would love the baby girl she was carrying as if it were his own. Chakotay, that baby was me, Edward Janeway isn't really my father!"

He looked at the letter again. "Kathryn, the letter isn't dated, couldn't this be about your sister and not you?"

She took a pink PADD of family pictures out of the nightstand drawer and handed it to him. "Look at the pictures, look closely. See, I look just like my mother and Phoebe looks just like Daddy. Everyone has always said that Phoebe and I don't look at all like sisters and we're as different as night and day. I don't look like Daddy, do I?" Kathryn asked as she started crying again.

Chakotay sat the PADD on the bed and hugged her as he smoothed her hair. "Kathryn, it's OK, I don't look much like my father either, but I know he's my father. Your father loved you, does it really matter?"

"Yes, it does, it does to me. I want to know and I want to know why my parents never told me."

"They both loved you, it doesn't matter, Edward Janeway was your father and you are his daughter." Chakotay sat up and took her hands. "Kathryn, love is more than genes. Genes… genetics, if you really want to know, can't you just check DNA?"

"I tried that, that's what I was doing the night I went to sickbay. My DNA is on file, of course, but I couldn't get into medical records to check Daddy's. That database requires the doctor's authorization code and I don't know it."

"Here, eat another cracker. Why don't you just ask the doctor to check for you?"

"No! Chakotay, I'm so ashamed and embarrassed about this, I don't want anyone to know and you have to swear to me you won't tell a soul!"

"I swear, I hope you know you can trust me with any secret. As captain, don't you have a way to access those records, a command override or something?"

"No, I don't, there'd be no need for a ship's captain to do so. I tried all my command overrides anyhow and they didn't work."

Chakotay gave her a mischievous smile. "I'll deny I ever said this, but did you try hacking into the database? You're pretty good at it, aren't you."

She wiped away the last of her tears and gave him a smile. "I'll deny I said this, but you're right and I'm more than pretty good at hacking. No, I didn't try, I didn't know how long the EMH's diagnostic would run, so I didn't want to take a chance on him catching me. I played with it enough to know the medical database is encrypted a totally different way than other systems are and I don't have the slightest idea how to get in so that nobody would know. There's nothing in the ship's database about how medical is encrypted, it would take me some time to figure out, but I will!"

"It's good to see you smile again. Kathryn, I'm sure you know, if the EMH catches you, he'd have to log it and you'd be in a lot of trouble when we get back because gaining unauthorized entry into a secure database is a serious offense. Why don't you just forget it, it really doesn't matter, you are Kathryn Janeway and your father loved you. Do you think you could eat a little soup? You're awfully weak, you need to eat something and then get some rest."

"It matters to me! Yes, maybe a little soup and then I want to try to get some sleep. Chakotay, I'm so sorry I've been such a bitch and I really do apologize and I hope I can trust you to keep my secret."

"Kathryn, I already told you, apology accepted and B'Elanna couldn't beat your secret out of me with a bat'leth. What kind of soup?"

"Chicken noodle," she replied as Chakotay caressed her cheek, got up and went to get the soup. "Oh, Chakotay, one more thing…"

He turned and grinned, "A sandwich?"

"No, I love you too."

Kathryn finished her soup and went into the bathroom to wash up and brush her teeth. While she was gone, Chakotay picked up the PADD with her pictures and looked at them again carefully. He had to admit Kathryn had a point and, except for her eye color as all four of them had blue eyes, she didn't look much like her father at all. He scanned through the PADD and looked at pictures other than the ones Kathryn had shown him earlier and he had to admit, if facial expressions meant anything, it was obvious Gretchen and Edward Janeway loved their girls very much. He also noticed Kathryn was a good bit shorter than her sister and parents and was the only one that had auburn hair or freckles and she was a little more compact in body type than the rest of them, had a more prominent chin, rounder face…. In short, Kathryn had a point that there were a number of ways she most certainly didn't look much like her father or sister. He went to the section with baby pictures of Kathryn and started laughing out loud at some of them, wondering why it was all parents insisted upon taking pictures of their children that would, no doubt, only be used to humiliate them in later life.

"What's so funny?" Kathryn asked as she came out of the bathroom. "Oh, just make yourself comfortable, Chakotay!"

"What? Oh, I'm sorry, I guess I made myself too much at home!" he said as he realized he was curled up in her bed. "I was nosy and was looking at your baby pictures and you sure were a cute baby and I see you were really into taking baths, even back then." He handed the PADD to her and grinned as he straightened up her bed. "Fact is, you're still really cute."

Kathryn turned the PADD back on and put her hands on her hips. "You! You were looking at my naked baby pictures! Why is it parents insist on taking pictures like these? They do nothing but embarrass the kid later!"

"I know and my parents took plenty of pictures of me just like that too. Well, to tell the truth, I went through a stage where, as soon as Mom turned her back, I'd take off my clothes and run around naked. I forget how old I was, but we had dinner at a very fancy restaurant one night and I went to the men's room and came back out without a stitch on below the waist and walked all the way through the restaurant and back to the table that way. My parents were horrified and never let me forget it."

Kathryn started laughing so hard tears streamed down her cheeks again. "Oh, I wish I could have been there to see that! What, was it when you went out to dinner to celebrate your graduation from the academy?"

"You!" he shouted as he grabbed Kathryn and wouldn't let her squirm away. "You!, and now I happen to know exactly where you have a cute little red birthmark and, if you don't behave, I'm going to pinch you right there, little Katie Janeway!"

"You wouldn't dare!"

He held her tightly in his arms and smiled. "I'll make you a deal, give me a hug and then get into bed and get a good night's sleep and I won't pinch you. Deal?"

"Deal!" she said as she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him. "Ouch!" she shrieked. "Liar! I ought to throw you in the brig for that!"

He reluctantly let her go, helped her into bed and pulled up the covers. "It'd be worth it. I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist. Do you still have the birthmark or did you have it removed?"

She gave him a coy smile as she snuggled down into her bed. "Play your cards right, Chakotay, and maybe you'll get to find out one day! Thank you again for being such a good friend and I'm sure I'll sleep in, so I'll call you when I wake up tomorrow. Goodnight, Chakotay."

"Goodnight, Kathryn, sweet dreams."

The next morning Kathryn sent Chakotay a message from her quarters that she was up, so he ducked into her ready room to call her and speak to her in private. It wasn't until the third call that she finally answered. "Kathryn, there you are! Good morning, did you sleep well? Oh, gosh, I didn't get you out of the shower or something, did I?"

She grabbed her coffee from the replicator and sat down on the sofa. "No, no, I'd left my comm badge on my uniform and it was on the floor in my bedroom in that sea of dirty laundry and I had trouble figuring out which uniform was talking, that's all. Yes, thank you, I slept pretty well for the first time in days and I feel much better. How's everything up on the bridge?"

Chakotay leaned back in her chair and smiled as he put his feet up on the desk. "Oh, fine, it seems Super Captain did everything and I have seven hours of my shift left and don't have a damn thing to do. Have you had breakfast?"

"No, I'm only on my second cup of coffee and you know it takes three before I can chew. I'll eat, I promise, I'm hungry."

"Good, that's what I like to hear! Will you let me fix you dinner tonight and how's your hand?"

She pulled off the bandage and took a look. "It's fine, just a little red, but it doesn't look infected or anything and it only hurts if I push on it; I think I'll live. Dinner would be lovely, I feel bad about Thursday night, but I was so upset I honestly did forget; I don't think I even knew it was Thursday. I'll make a main course and dessert and you can do the rest, if that's OK. Think you can get here by 1730?"

He checked the schedule on the computer. "Actually, I can probably be there earlier because Ayala is replacing me and he was late last time, so I'll ask him if he can come early and won't feel bad about it. I'll send you a message later to let you know, but I don't think he gets up until about 1500 or so. Kathryn, please make sure you eat today and take a nap, OK? I've left instructions that you are not to be disturbed." He leaned back farther in the chair and yawned. "Gosh, I sure could use a nap too and it's only a little after 1000!"

Kathryn went to the replicator for her third cup of coffee. "Well, as long as someone on the bridge is awake, feel free to use my couch, not that I am approving of anyone taking a nap while on duty, but it's my fault you were up half the night, so I'll just say that you don't have to worry about me showing up on the bridge today and catching you. Well, you have a starship to run and I have a mess in my bedroom to clean up and some research to do, so I suggest we both get to work and I'll see you this evening. Oh, can you check with Tuvok and see how Gontag is working out, check that maintenance fixed the leak on deck six and please pop down to the cargo bay and see if Neelix got everything straightened up like I told him too?"

"Yes, Ma'am! Anything else?" he asked as he made notes on his PADD.

Kathryn took a long sip of coffee and smiled. "Nope, just have a nice day and thanks for being my friend! Janeway out."

Chakotay got himself a cup of coffee and planned out his day. The things Kathryn had asked him to attend to certainly wouldn't take long and that would give him plenty of time to think about what to make for dinner and how to persuade her to give up on trying to find out about her family situation. She had never spoken of anything but a very loving family and surely she would see that was much more important than whose genes she was or wasn't carrying around in her body. He placed himself in the same situation and, while he could understand the shock of finding out that your father wasn't really your father, he knew it wouldn't matter to him in the least. To him your mother and father were the people that raised and loved you, not those who merely contributed genetic material, and he hoped he could make Kathryn see that.

When Chakotay arrived for dinner, being careful to ring the chime this time rather than kick at the door, he found that Kathryn had cleaned up, looked much better and was in good spirits. When he left the night before he'd noticed she had put away the family photos she usually displayed, however they were now back in their usual places. Kathryn ate more than she usually did and never mentioned anything about her father, so it appeared she had put the matter aside as they had animated conversation during dinner about ship's business and the latest gossip.

After dinner Chakotay carried their coffee to the living room and went to the cupboard below the shelf and took out Kathryn's chess set. "How about a game or two of chess?"

"Maybe later," she said as she went to her desk for her computer. "I did some research today and I think I'm on the track of how the medical database is encrypted. Look at this and let me know what you think, it's a completely different encryption algorithm than Starfleet uses for other secure databases. Well, not that I could figure it out at all, only that it's completely different."

Chakotay took a long sip of coffee, sat his cup down and held a long breath before he spoke. "Kathryn, I was hoping you'd give up on this. Hacking is risky business and, if you get caught, you know as well as I do the doctor would report it and Tuvok would be obligated to follow up. I know the two of you have been friends for a long time, but I don't really think he'd overlook something like that."

"I know that and, so far, it looks like hacking would be very difficult, so that's why I have come up with plan B."

"Plan B? I don't think I'm going to like this either."

"I know," she sighed. "Well, plan B doesn't involve any hacking, but I'd need your help, if you'd be willing to help me. All you would need to do is get the doctor out of his office for a minute or two when he's in the database and I could slip in and get the information I need, no hacking involved, and nobody would know. If we go in for some kind of emergency, like if you pretend to be really sick or something, he'd probably jump right up and attend to you and I could slip in and out of his office. It wouldn't be hacking and, if he should happen to catch me, I'll just say I was using his computer for something else, I'm sure he wouldn't suspect me of anything. Chakotay, would you be willing to do that for me?"

Chakotay rubbed his chin and tried to think of a reason why it was a foolish idea, beyond the obvious as, he had to admit, it did sound like a pretty foolproof plan. He also tried to imagine what it would do to Kathryn if she confirmed Edward Janeway was indeed not her biological father, but he imagined knowing might be better for her than having it eat away at her for the next however many years. "OK, Kathryn, I'll do it, but only if you're sure it will ultimately make you feel better."

Kathryn put her hand on his arm. "Oh, thank you, Chakotay, thank you! It will make me feel better, I've given the matter a lot of thought, and it's the not knowing that bothers me. You were right, Daddy and I loved each other and that will never change, but I just have to know." She put her computer on her lap again and began working. "OK, the doctor is activated and in sick bay, but he's not logged on to the computer, so we just have to wait until he is and then go down there and I've set the computer to alert me when he logs on. All we need to do is figure out what's wrong with you so you can put on a convincing act. I know, you just ate my cooking, so how about food poisoning?"

He gave her a grin. "Your cooking's not that bad, but he'd probably buy that! OK, nausea, headache, abdominal cramps… I think I can handle that." Chakotay gave her a wicked smile as he went to get the chess set. "I'll just imagine I ate a big plate of your tofu meatloaf, that ought to do the trick!"

"Chakotay, was it really that bad?"

"Yes!"

When the computer signaled Kathryn that the EMH had logged into the medical database they rushed to sick bay. The scheme worked perfectly, and while Chakotay lay on the bio bed moaning and groaning, Kathryn was able to sneak into the doctor's office and sneak back out without him even being aware she had left the room. The doctor, not surprisingly, could find nothing wrong with Chakotay and insisted on running some tests, however Chakotay was finally able to convince him he felt much better and would live with just some antacid tablets and a promise not to eat too much rich food again. The doctor returned to his office to work and the two hung around while Chakotay took the antacid and drank several cups of water to wash it down and stall for time. Since the doctor seemed to be happily at work, they left, satisfied he wasn't aware of what had happened.

As soon as the turbolift doors swooshed shut, Chakotay asked, "Well, did you get what you needed."

"No," Kathryn sighed as she slumped against the back wall of the turbolift. "The database doesn't have Daddy's records in it because he's deceased, it only has the records for living Starfleet personnel, so I guess I'm back to square one. Thanks for helping me try, though."

He put his arm around her shoulder and gave her a squeeze. "I'm sorry, Kathryn."

They returned to her quarters and she immediately grabbed her computer. "Well, that means I have to figure out how to hack into the civilian medical database to get Mom's or my sister's records. He only had the Starfleet database open, civilian records are in another one and that obviously requires a different access code."

Chakotay thought while he set up the chess board again, hoping Kathryn would give up and play a game or two. "What good would your mother or sister's records do? You know your mother is your mother and your sister's records might tell you the two of you are only half sisters, but it wouldn't tell you any more than that unless you have your father's DNA to compare them to. Frankly, Kathryn, I don't see the point."

"Well, you're right of course, but we were both born at civilian facilities and some of them attach the parent's DNA profiles to the baby's or baby's to the parent's as it's useful if any genetic disorders or problems crop up later. Well, they do nowadays, but I don't know about more than forty years ago. It's not on my records, I checked, but Phoebe and I weren't born at the same facility. Mom had problems during her pregnancy with Phoebe and she was born at the Bloomington hospital and I was born at a regular birthing center. It's worth a shot as I can't see any other way to find out and I just have to. My sister has children and I'm sure her profile would be attached to their records. I know what you said and I agree with you, but somehow I just won't be able to rest until I know."

Chakotay went for more coffee, placed it on the table, sat and looked Kathryn in the eyes. "Well, OK, I know I can't stop you, but you have to promise me you won't obsess about this and crawl back into a shell. I was very worried about you and it upset the entire crew, you know."

"I know, and I promise I'll be fine. Now that I've shared my secret with you, I feel a lot better and I will make apologies where they are due. I've thought about it and I'm prepared to live with what I find out, well, not that I have any choice," she laughed, "but I promise you I'll be alright."

Chakotay gave Kathryn a hug. "You'd better be, I really missed my best friend, you know! OK, let me beat you at chess, you'll still be my friend when I do, right?"

She moved her king's pawn forward two spaces, looked up and smiled, "Always."

The next morning Kathryn didn't show up at the mess hall for breakfast, however Chakotay was only mildly concerned as she often opted for a few more minutes of sleep in lieu of eating in the mess hall. He knew her eating habits well, she was more inclined to sleep later, have several cups of coffee and then grab "breakfast" mid morning, with more coffee, of course. When he arrived on the bridge she and Tom Paris were going over star charts, looking for any minor course corrections that might have to be made. After the morning briefing, Kathryn retired to her ready room to read her morning reports, which also wasn't unusual, so Chakotay took his position on the bridge and planned the battle drills that she had asked him to do. With the region of space they were in so apparently safe and devoid of anything interesting to study, she was concerned the crew might become lazy and complacent and wasn't about to let that happen.

The rest of the day passed quickly, Kathryn was back to her old self and the crew soon attributed her recent erratic behavior to her either not feeling well or having one of her occasional mood swings. Janeway was intense and could sometimes become reclusive and obsessive, they knew that and had accepted it long ago. Chakotay was just glad to see her back to her old self and she made no more mention of her dilemma, but he knew it was still eating at her inside, it had to be. Kathryn and Chakotay joined Harry and the Delaney sisters in the mess hall for dinner and listened half heartedly as they detailed plans for making significant modifications to the infamous Captain Proton program. Chakotay wasn't sure how, but before he'd finished his dessert, he had been roped into joining them on the holodeck to see what he thought of the changes. Kathryn had seen it coming and managed to keep Arachnia from having to make an appearance as that was not a role she never wanted to reprise.

When Harry and the Delaneys left, Chakotay stayed a bit longer and slid a cup of coffee and a slice of cake in front of Kathryn before he sat down with a mug of tea and a frown. She looked up and smiled, "Why the sad face? Oh, you're just pissed they conned you into wasting the rest of the evening on that stupid Proton program, aren't you?"

"No, I'm just mad you got out of it. Do you realize I'm probably the only person on the ship that has never seen you in that Arachnia costume? By all accounts you looked pretty good!"

"Pretty good? I was hot, my dear!" Kathryn replied as she leaned back in her chair, crossed her arms over her chest and smiled. "I am the queen!"

He leaned in and whispered, "Kathryn, what would it take for me to get to see you in that Arachnia costume sometime?"

Kathryn grabbed her tray and started for the door before she turned and spoke from the middle of the mess hall. "I don't know, let me think about it, Commander." She then gave him one of those seemingly innocuous crooked little smiles that let him know he'd ultimately be sorry he asked.

Chakotay leaned back in his chair and smiled as he toyed with the remains of her dessert. Kathryn was wicked, very wicked, and often delighted in answering what were his very quiet personal questions in an official manner, loud enough for everyone to hear her seemingly innocent business-like reply. She sought revenge for his sometimes naughty personal questions by forcing him to slap on his command face at the most inopportune of moments. He loved that about her and knew that, if she would consent to let him see her in the Arachnia costume, she would get whatever she wanted. Why should today be any different, he thought, Kathryn Janeway always got exactly what she wanted!

When Chakotay finally managed to get away from Tom, Harry and the Delaneys, he immediately went to Kathryn's door. It was late and he wasn't sure if she were still awake, so he checked the corridor to see he was alone and laid down on the floor, to see if any light was coming from the small gap at the bottom of her door.

"What, she's making you perform prostrations now?" B'Elanna asked as she giggled."

"What? No!" Chakotay exclaimed as he leapt to his feet, "I was just trying to see if the lights were still on."

"Sure you were! That woman has you wrapped around her little finger and you know it!"

"Hump! B'Elanna, it's really annoying the way you sneak up on people. I wish you'd quit it!"

"What, and lose my edge? It's a Maquis tactic I learned from the best and it's always served me well. I just talked to the captain, so she's still up. Here, I borrowed this from her and I was coming to return it, so why don't you? See you tomorrow, I have to go make someone sorry he dumped me this evening for that damned Captain Proton crap!" B'Elanna waved as she headed back down the corridor.

Chakotay rang the chime to Kathryn's door and found her dressed for bed, but she was sitting on her sofa working. He sat down beside her and discretely tried to sneak a peek at her computer screen before he handed her the book. "Here, B'Elanna was coming to return this, so I saved her a trip."

"Thanks," Kathryn replied as she got up and replaced the book on her shelf. While she did, he got a good look at her computer screen before she sat back down. "As you can see, I was reading Tuvok's report on Gontag, which is almost as long and dry as T'Palana-Hath!" She took his hands and gave him a smile. "Chakotay, I'm not obsessed, I have been working on ship's business all evening, I swear, and you can stop worrying about me. You saw me eat a good dinner and now I'm going to go to bed early and get a good night's sleep, so I suggest you do the same."

He stood and, still holding her hands, tugged her up with him. "Good, I'm glad! So, how about a goodnight hug from your best friend?" Kathryn didn't need to answer as she slipped her arms around him and rested her head on his chest. "Goodnight, I'm glad you're better, I really missed my best friend."

"Me too," Kathryn said as she slipped out of his arms. "Join me for breakfast?"

"Of course, see you at 0700 in the mess hall, sleep well." he said as he headed for the door.

"Chakotay, make it 0730 and you have a deal. Goodnight!"

Kathryn didn't arrive at the mess hall until just after 0745, grabbed a cup of coffee and joined Chakotay at a corner table. She took a slurp of coffee, looked up and smiled. "Sorry I'm late."

He took an upturned bowl off a plate. "Here, Neelix made sticky buns and I saved you one because he always runs out of them fast. Eat up, we have to hurry," Chakotay said as he placed the decadently gooey roll in front of her.

Kathryn placed it back on his tray. "No thanks, just coffee for me, I don't have time for more, I overslept."

He put the bun back in front of her, leaned towards her and quietly said, "Kathryn, normally you drool at the sight of sticky buns, what's wrong? You don't look like you overslept, fact is you don't look like you slept at all."

Kathryn grabbed the sticky bun and took a bite that was way too big to be ladylike. "I didn't sleep very well last night, but I'm fine." She took another big bite, grabbed her coffee and started for the door. "A little sugar, a little caffeine, trust me, I'll be fine. Come on, we're going to be late."

Apparently she was telling the truth as she got right to work on the bridge and flew through the morning staff meeting. After spending about an hour on the bridge, Janeway moved to her ready room with the maintenance chief to go over her long "to do" list of repairs and improvements that could be made to Voyager now that they had the time and resources. Chakotay took his seat on the bridge and started working on the battle drill plans that Kathryn had asked him to set up, actually enjoying what he thought would be some very well thought out and challenging scenarios. As he was thinking up a clever name for the fictitious attacking alien race, Tuvok sent Chakotay a message asking him to join him in his office to discuss Crewman Gontag. He smiled to himself as he dubbed the nasty aliens the Gontagonians, but decided not to be cruel and left them nameless for the time being as he turned over command to Tom and left the bridge.

"Tea?" Tuvok offered as he placed a small cup in front of Chakotay and held up the pot. Chakotay nodded his acceptance as he searched among the PADDs he'd brought for the right one. Tuvok got right to the point, "I thought Captain Janeway didn't look well this morning, is she ill?"

"No, I don't think so, she mentioned she didn't sleep well last night, which isn't unusual for her. Tuvok, I know you were concerned about her as was I, but she had a personal problem and I'm satisfied she worked out."

"Very well, Commander," Tuvok replied as he moved on to Gontag. They discussed her at length and moved on to discuss Chakotay's battle drills, with Chakotay taking notes at some of Tuvok's excellent tactical suggestions. "Commander, if you send me your battle drill programs when you have them completed, I will review them for you."

"Thank you, Tuvok," Chakotay replied as he stood and gathered his PADDs, "And thank you for the tea, it was excellent."

Tuvok put the tea tray aside and picked up a PADD. "You are quite welcome. I will accompany you back to the bridge, I need to speak with Captain Janeway about a serious matter."

Chakotay stopped and turned around. "She was in a meeting with the maintenance chief when I left and they're going over plans for the whole ship, so it'll probably take some time. I'm not busy, is it anything I can help you with? How serious?"

Tuvok sat back at his desk and activated his computer. "At 0552 this morning an attempt was made to breach security protocols in order to gain unauthorized access to a secure database."

Chakotay sank back in his chair. He was pretty sure he knew the rest of the story and pushed down the lump in his throat. "Do you know who did it?"

"Negative, the perpetrator was skilled enough to, I believe the expression is, 'cover their tracks'? It could have been anyone and, at this point, the only suspect I can rule out is the doctor as he would have no need to hack into the secure medical database and was, in fact, offline at the time."

Chakotay rubbed his chin, "Medical, huh? Do you know what they were trying to find out?"

"I do not as the perpetrator was unsuccessful in gaining entry to the database. I spoke with the doctor and have taken the liberty of upgrading the security protocols. That should make any future attempt more difficult, and I have added a hidden tracer subroutine, so, if anyone other than authorized medical personnel tries to gain access again, it will alert me and identify the individual." He handed Chakotay a PADD. "I have prepared a report."

Chakotay took it and tried to look innocent. "Thank you, just stay here, I'll take it to the captain and bring it to her attention. My guess is it was nothing serious, probably just someone trying to get some tidbit of embarrassing information as a prank."

Tuvok cleared his throat. "Commander, any attempted breach of security is a serious matter, regardless of the intention."

"Of course, I didn't mean to imply it wasn't. Thank you for your vigilance, hopefully this was an isolated incident and I will bring it to Captain Janeway's attention as soon as possible."

Chakotay returned to the bridge and slumped back into his chair while he read Tuvok's report. He knew it was Kathryn and it also explained why she looked like hell as she had probably been up all night trying to hack the system. When the maintenance chief exited her ready room, Chakotay grabbed Tuvok's report, took a few breaths to steady himself and entered Janeway's ready room. She smiled hello as she cleared the plates and coffee cups from her desk. Chakotay took another deep breath and sat the PADD on her desk. "Kathryn, we have a problem."

She snatched up the PADD and started reading as her face went pale. "I see we do. Does he know, know that it was me?"

Chakotay flopped down into the chair across from her desk. "No, you were lucky, he doesn't. Kathryn, what's with you, trying a stunt like this?" He raised his voice as a tear came to his eye. "Dammit, Kathryn, you lied to me again!"

"Chakotay, I didn't!" she protested.

"Oh right, 'Chakotay, I promise I won't obsess over this… Chakotay, I'm going to bed… Chakotay, I didn't sleep well last night.' Kathryn, you don't have to tell me the truth if you chose not to, but dammit, woman, don't lie to me!"

She stood and shook her finger at him, "Don't you yell at me! I didn't lie, I couldn't sleep!"

He stood and slammed his hands on his hips, "I wasn't yelling and don't you yell at me, all I did was bring you Tuvok's damn report." He started to go on, then sat back down. "I'm sorry, this isn't getting us anywhere, so let's start over. I was yelling and swore at you, I'm sorry."

She sat as well and smiled slightly. "I'm sorry too, I apologize. I did go to bed right after you left, but I'm not lying that I couldn't sleep and I had an idea about the encryption algorithm, so I got up and started working on it. I was making progress, or so I thought, so I kept at it, but obviously I wasn't successful. Chakotay, I didn't really lie to you, I just didn't tell you the whole truth because I knew you'd be mad at me… and rightfully so. I'm so sorry. Still friends?" she asked as she extended her hand across the desk.

He took it and gave it a squeeze, "Always. Make sure you read all of Tuvok's report, he upgraded security and installed a tracer and he's very concerned about this. Please promise me you won't try to hack again?"

"I promise. I'm sorry, it's just that this thing is eating at me and I can't make it go away. I try to sleep and it invades my thoughts, I do fall asleep and I have nightmares and I just can't imagine why my parents didn't tell me."

"Well, I'm sure they had their reasons and that they loved you. Kathryn, why don't you just go to the doc and ask him to check into it for you? You know doctor patient confidentiality regs would insure it stays between the two of you."

"Believe me, I've thought about it a hundred times, but I'm just too embarrassed, I don't want anyone to know and he'd update my medical records, he'd have to. I don't ever want anyone finding out that Edward Janeway isn't my father or, worse yet, my father is simply unknown and I'm some anonymous bastard child. It's bad enough Mom had an affair, but to find out Phoebe and I are only half sisters and my father is heaven knows who! Chakotay, I'm a very private person, you know that, and I admit I'm not handling this too well, but the fact is I might die out here never knowing who my biological father is. I know you see it differently and I don't expect you to agree with me, but just allow me to feel the way I do, OK?"

He rose, stood behind her and started massaging her shoulders. She tried to push him off and move, but he said, "No, you're tense and all knotted up and this is the only way I can help you right now, so please let me. Kathryn, this ship needs you and I need you too, so you…"

She pushed his hands off, bolted for the bathroom and vomited into the toilet. It didn't take long and Chakotay was there by time she finished, and gave her a moment to rinse her mouth out and wipe her face. He tried to help her, but she waved him off, got a glass of water and sat on her sofa. "I'm fine, I had a salami sandwich while the chief was here and shouldn't have. You know I can't eat greasy things so early in the day, and I ate that sticky bun in two bites and I've had about a half dozen cups of coffee. Really, Chakotay, I'm fine, I just treated my stomach like a trash can and it got back at me."

"Kathryn, that's twice I know about in the last couple days you've thrown up. Kathryn, the rumor that was going around, you're not pregnant, are you?"

She started laughing and slapped him on the arm. "Chakotay, don't be ridiculous, I told you I'm not and how could I possibly be pregnant? I haven't been off the ship in months and I've never slept with anyone on the crew, I assure you. It was the salami and getting upset again, I'm not lying, and the time before it was because I was crying so hard I choked on my own snot. It's only been twice, I swear. You know me and salami, I love it, but it seldom likes me since I turned forty. It made me sick once before, remember?" He didn't seem convinced, so she added, "Chakotay, please believe me, if I were pregnant you would know about it because… because you would have been there at the time, OK? Just because a woman is out of sorts and throws up doesn't mean she's pregnant! Get a medical tricorder if you want. I'll even go down to sick bay and get checked out right now if you insist."

"No, I believe you. How about you lie down for a few minutes and rest and I'll take care of business and cover for you until dinner and then we can go eat together because Tuvok said he'd be back on the bridge by then. OK?"

"OK," she capitulated as she stretched out and got comfortable on the sofa. "Chakotay, thanks for covering for me with Tuvok. I'm pretty sure he'd do the right thing and report me when we get home, or maybe he wouldn't, but I don't want to place him in that position. Having your senior officers be good friends is a wonderful thing, but it's also a curse."

"Don't I know it!" he exclaimed as he sat beside her. "You have to promise me you won't try hacking again. Tuvok is good, very good, and his tracer would find you and I'm sure his upgrades mean the system is probably now virtually hack proof. I know you're good at hacking, but he's probably even better at protecting secure data systems than you are at hacking."

"He is. I also know it's virtually impossible to find and disable a tracer, so I can assure you my hacking days are over." It didn't look like Chakotay believed her, so she added. "Chakotay, if I try to hack into medical again, I'll… I'll… let you throw me in the brig."

He rubbed his chin and gave the matter some thought before he sat, adopted a serious expression and placed his hands on her shoulders. "Not good enough, Tuvok would probably throw you in the brig anyhow. Kathryn, you'd have to give up coffee."

"No, no, not the coffee!" she shrieked as she play-fought with him.

"Yes, AND you have to wear the Arachnia dress for an entire month too!"

"No no!" she shouted as she laughed and held up her hands in surrender. "I promise, my career as a hacker is over. Besides, if you cut off my coffee I'd probably kill you and the rest of the crew and the Arachnia dress would be a tad distracting, don't you think?"

Chakotay smiled as his lips got precariously close to Kathryn's. "Trust me, Kathryn, I already find you very distracting."

She smiled back as her eyes closed and she settled into much needed sleep. Her eyes fluttered open when she thought she felt the whisper of lips against hers, unsure if it were real or she had just dreamt it. "Chakotay, what was that… was that you?"

"Shhhh," he whispered as he smoothed her hair back and her eyes closed once again. "Go back to sleep, Kathryn, it was just the kiss of the spider people."

Over the course of the next week Kathryn returned to her normal routine, but her face still bore witness that she was not sleeping well, and living with her secret was taking its toll. She was true to her word and did not make any more attempts to hack into the medical database, probably more out of the knowledge of Tuvok's impenetrable trap and modifications rather than her promise not to. Chakotay worked hard to keep her distracted with all her favorite pastimes and Kathryn really tried to enjoy them, but somehow a bit of her infamous zest for life and work was gone.

On Thursday evening after their weekly dinner, Chakotay offered his holodeck time to go sailing or do whatever Kathryn wanted, but she declined, saying she was tired. Looking at her, he knew she was telling the truth. He suggested chess, cards or several other games, but she said no to them all, took out her sketch pad and pencils and started doodling.

"What are you drawing, Kathryn?"

"I don't know yet. Chakotay, I know I'm not good company and it's not that late and you're off tomorrow and can stay up late, so why don't you go and see if Tom and B'Elanna are doing something and have a little fun for a change? Go on, I'm fine and I think I'll turn in early, after I doodle a bit."

Chakotay grabbed the rest of the wine. "Finish it off?" She nodded yes, so he poured. "Kathryn, I'd rather spend my evening with you than anyone else; I enjoy your company. May I have a sheet of paper and borrow a pencil? I think I feel like drawing too."

"Sure," she replied as she handed him a couple sheets of paper, some drawing pencils and replicated another lap easel for him to lean on. Chakotay thanked her and leaned back on the other end of the sofa and placed his legs alongside hers on the cushions. She gave him a smile, "So, what are you drawing?"

"You." They both drew for a while before Chakotay broke the silence. "Kathryn, why don't you try a vision quest? It might help. Let me go get my medicine bundle and akoonah and I'll be right back."

"No, don't bother. Chakotay, no offense, but vision quests don't work for me like they work for you. I'll be OK, it'll just take me a little more time to be OK. I think I have finally come to grips with the fact that Daddy most likely isn't my biological father, it's just the not knowing that I need to accept, and I don't think I'll really be at peace until I know." They both returned to their drawings and worked for about an hour before they both started to yawn. "I think I'll call it a night, I can hardly keep my eyes open. Will you let me see your drawing?"

He grinned and kept it to himself. "Well, OK, but it's not quite finished yet, I need to put some clothes on you."

"Clothes? You drew me naked!" She lunged for the drawing as he kept it from her. "No, relax, I meant that I haven't drawn them yet and it's only from your shoulders up anyhow. Here," he said as he handed the drawing to her.

She studied it for a moment. "Wow, Chakotay, this is really very good. In fact, it's too good, I wish I looked this good, and you drew my hair long. Let's put it here on the end table and you can 'dress' me the next time we draw."

"Well, yeah, I liked your hair long, so I used my artistic license and made it grow back. May I see your drawing?"

"No, I didn't get very far and it doesn't look right anyhow," she said as she packed up the art supplies and put them away in the cupboard. "Let me get the dishes cleaned up so I can get to bed."

He shooed her away. "No, I'll take care of it. Why don't you take a nice bubble bath and I'll clean up and let myself out and see you at 0730 for breakfast? Come on, a goodnight hug and then promise me you'll try to get a good night's sleep and call if you need me and I don't care what time it is."

She gave him a hug as she said, "I promise. Goodnight, Chakotay, and thanks for a nice dinner and a lovely evening."

Kathryn left, ran a bath and settled into her sea of bubbles as Chakotay cleaned up the dishes from dinner and tidied her living room. When he was ready to leave he listened at her open bedroom door and could hear her splashing and humming softly in the bathtub. He replicated a rose, crept in, turned down her bed and left it on her pillow. As her door opened for him to leave he took a few steps into the corridor, turned around and came back in. Hearing that she was still in the bath, Chakotay sat on the floor and took out Kathryn's drawing tablet, curious what she had been working on. He had been intent upon his own drawing of her, doing it from memory rather than looking at her, so he really wasn't watching her while she was drawing. He grinned as he was pretty sure she had been drawing him. When he opened the tablet he noticed that it had wet splotches on it, from her silent tears, and her father's face was staring back at him. As he stared at Kathryn's beautiful drawing, several of his tears escaped and fell on the paper before he put it away and quickly headed to his quarters.

As he lay on his bed he heard a few thumps from Kathryn's bathroom and then it was quiet. His computer in the other room chimed that he had a message, but he rolled over and ignored it, knowing, if it were anything important, they would comm him. Less than a minute later it chimed again, so he reluctantly started to get up and go see what it was. By time he got to the desk, it had chimed a third time in less than a minute. He punched up the messages and read them:

Thank you for the rose.

Sleep well.

I love you.

As he settled into his bed again, Chakotay thought about the amazing woman on the other side of the bulkhead and smiled, until he heard her gentle sobs drifting through the bulkhead. It was a sound he heard all too frequently now and knew he would never get used to. He recalled he didn't hear her last night, but wondered if it was because she didn't cry or just made sure she didn't let him hear it. His instinct was to go to her, but he knew that would probably only upset her all the more and she had put her foot down about his late night visits several nights ago.

Realizing he wouldn't be able to sleep now and should have returned her messages, Chakotay got up, sat at his desk and sent her a message: You're welcome, I love you too. He replicated a cup of herbal tea, sat at his computer and idly punched buttons as he stared at the screen, knowing that what Kathryn wanted was probably in there, but they had no means to get it.

Kathryn's eyes fluttered as she cursed the fact that mornings always came early, way too early. She rubbed at her eyes as they finally opened and she glanced at her chronometer and sat up a little. "Chakotay, what are you doing here? For heaven's sake it's four thirty in the morning and I was actually asleep! Is something wrong, did I sleep through a comm or something?"

"No," he replied as he sat on the edge of her bed. "I'm sorry, but I thought I should wake you for this, it just wouldn't keep until morning." He handed her a PADD. "Here, I got your mother and sister's medical files."

"What?" she replied as she sat up all the way and raised the illumination. "Chakotay, how did you get them, did you hack the system? You shouldn't have done that, you know Tuvok will find out, he's probably already on the warpath. How did you do it? I stared at it for days and couldn't even begin to figure it out."

"Don't worry, I didn't hack, I didn't have the slightest notion how to do it. I don't think what I did will be noticed, but, if it is, I'll take the blame. Kathryn, I was sitting there staring at the prompt on the screen, trying to imagine what the EMH's passwords could be, you know, like sometimes you can figure out someone's password because you know them? Well, I realized that was pointless as he's not human and would never forget a password, so it could be any random chain of characters as that would be just as easy for him to remember as it is for you to remember that your password to your recipe files is Talaxian tomatoes."

Kathryn rubbed her head and frowned. "Chakotay, I'm sure, if you tried random passwords, the computer alerted Tuvok. His mind is like a chess computer, it anticipates every possible move in advance and has a defense for it. I'm sure he…"

"No, Kathryn," he interrupted, "It suddenly hit me, the doctor's memory isn't like yours and mine. When you get down to it, Doc's memory is just simple data files. He's just a program, an incredibly complex computer program… a program that I could access! It took me several hours, but I finally found out what his passwords were and I was able to log in to the medical databases, just as if he had done it. I downloaded the files, they're on that PADD."

She looked at the blank screen on the PADD and put her finger on the on switch as her hand shook. "Chakotay, was it there? What did it say? Who's my father?"

"I didn't look, I just copied all the files that were there on your mother and sister to the PADD. Kathryn, do you want to read it in private?"

She thought for a moment before she moved over and patted the bed next to her. "No, please, stay with me?"

"Of course, Kathryn," he replied as he sat up in the bed next to her and put his arm around her shoulder. "Kathryn, whatever it says, are you sure you're prepared to accept it? The other day you said you wouldn't be at peace until you knew the truth about who your biological father really is. Kathryn, you gave me peace a long time ago, so I really hope you were being honest with me and yourself and that this, one way of the other, will bring you peace."

She activated the PADD and laid her head on his shoulder. "Thank you again and I am prepared because I know Momma and Daddy loved me and, regardless of what this says, they are my parents and I love them." Kathryn sat back up and started reading the PADD.

Chakotay watched her and her expression didn't give anything away as she read through the information on the PADD. He remembered something she had said, that perhaps the files wouldn't contain the information she needed, and thought maybe he should have checked first. He suddenly got the sick feeling that he might have just made things worse and checking the files first wouldn't have been an invasion of her privacy after all, but merely a way to make sure his actions didn't cause her even more grief. When she was done she turned the PADD off and sat it on the bed as tears rolled down her cheeks. He waited for her to speak, but she didn't, so he finally asked, "Well, did you find out?"

"Yes," she replied as she used the edge of the sheet to wipe her face. Kathryn slid back down into bed and put out the light. "Will you please stay with me?"

"Of course. Do you want me to hold you?"

"Please," she said softly as Chakotay slid down on his side next to her, put his arm around her, snuggled her to him and rubbed her shoulder. Kathryn didn't cry, she just lay there on her back, motionless, taking slow measured breaths. Finally she spoke. "Don't you want to know?"

"Only if you want to tell me," he replied as he pulled her closer and pressed his lips to her temple.

"Edward Janeway was Phoebe's father," Kathryn replied as she wrapped her arms over his, "And he was also my father." Kathryn was silent for a few more moments. "My mother had a miscarriage, only five weeks into the pregnancy, three years before I was born, so that must have been the baby the letter was talking about. I can see why Momma and Daddy never told us about it." Kathryn rolled onto her side and slid her arm over Chakotay. "Thank you for finding out for me, I feel much better now."

"You're welcome, Kathryn, and I hope that knowing brings you peace."

"It does," she whispered as she lay her head on his chest and they drifted off to sleep.

THE END

04/25/08