Pinkie Swear
A/N: Okay, so for a long time I have wanted to write something after Perfect Name, but it was very difficult to do, and I'm sure you can all sympathize. So, here we have the result of all my hard work. No, actually, it just wrote itself (as always). Some of you have asked if I have plans for this series, and the answer is, no, I don't. I sit down, start writing, and see what I end up with. I do know, for sure, that I'm nowhere near ready to stop now, though. I think that's all you need to know…once again, I am beta-less so there are probably errors…oh, and that is actually how you spell pinkie, it's not p-i-n-k-y. You probably all knew that already, but I was surprised. Anyway. Review, pretty please. Love it, hate it, whatever. Read on!
Finn smiles sympathetically when Logan opens the door. "I brought chocolate covered coffee beans."
Logan rubs his eyes wearily. "Somehow, I don't think that'll help." He accepts the paper bag. "Thanks, anyway."
"Has Lorelai been here?"
Logan nods. "Yeah, she's been here for the last two weeks. But she had to go back. She has Luke and the kids."
"Yeah, of course." Finn peers into the darkness of the house. "Where is she?"
"Asleep."
"Oh."
Logan sighs. "Thanks for coming, man."
"Anytime, mate," Finn says casually.
"Uncle Finny!" Lory appears out of nowhere and runs to him, her blue eyes bright and joyful.
Logan turns away as though he can't stand looking at his daughter.
Finn frowns. Things may have been worse than he thought. Nonetheless, he gives his 'niece' a smile. "Hey, kitten. Wow, you are so big."
"I missed you!" she cries happily, clinging to him. Finn realizes that she must have felt neglected in the last couple weeks.
"I missed you, too, lovie," he tells her, tickling her. "I'm sorry I haven't visited in a while."
"Oma was here," she tells him. "But she didn't play with me much."
"I'm not fun anymore, Miss Huntzberger?" Jana says teasingly as she walks toward them. "Hi," she greets Finn.
"Hey, Jana."
She smiles at him tensely and then turns to Logan. "I'm sorry, Mr. Huntzberger, she seems to prefer your company to mine."
Logan sighs again. He has dark, dark circles under his eyes. "I know. Hey, angel eyes," he says gently, using his pet name for his little girl, "If you go and have some ice cream with Jana, I promise that Uncle Finn and I will play Candyland with you later."
"Pinkie swear?" she asks, holding out her tiny pinkie finger.
He locks pinkies with her and taps his thumb softly against hers to seal the deal. "I promise, Lor."
"Okay!" she chirps, and follows her nanny willingly into the kitchen.
Logan shakes his head. "She's too young…" he murmurs.
"I'm so sorry, Huntz," Finn says quietly. "I'm so very sorry."
Logan heaves another heavy sigh. "Yeah. Well…" Tears gather in his eyes. "I feel like I lost Rory, too. Finn, I don't know what to do." He wipes at his eyes angrily. "I need her so much sometimes. I miss…everything." And he does, God, he does. He misses the way her eyes sparkle when she laughs, he misses the smell of coffee on her breath, he misses the way she smiles when she teases their kids, and he misses the way her skin tastes after sex, the sweetness of perfume and the tangy, saltiness of sweat. He feels like she's gone somewhere he cannot follow her.
Lorelai tried to reassure him. "She just needs time," she told him over and over. "She just needs some time. What happened to her…"
The eleventh time she repeated herself, he replied angrily, "She was my baby, too!"
He'd been surprised and guilty when he'd seen tears appear in Lorelai's eyes. "I know," she'd whispered. "I know, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help her."
"Finn, you're my last hope," he says painfully. "I don't know what else to do. And, God, the kids…you should have seen Lucas' face when I told him, Finn. You should have seen Lucas' fucking face."
Finn shakes his head, not wanting to picture the six-year-old's sad eyes. "Has she just been sleeping?"
"No. She's barely slept at all. She'd just sit up all night, staring at the TV. She won't get into the bed when I'm there," he says. He has to force the words over the lump in his throat.
"Holy shit," Finn mutters. It's worse than he thought. "Has she talked to you at all?"
"About what?" Logan asks tiredly.
"I don't know. About what she's feeling. I mean, obviously she's…well, sad doesn't begin to cover it, but…"
"She has barely said a word to me." He wants her to, but he's had no luck. "All she wants…all she wants is the baby back. And I can't do that, so…"
Finn looks alarmed. "Well, neither can I, mate."
Logan smirks humourlessly. "Yeah, I know. I just…I think she'll listen to you." He looks his friend right in the eye. "I'm scared, Finn. I'm afraid of what's happening to her. And Lukey and Lory…they need her so much and she…" He sighs yet again. "I just wish I could fix everything for her. Her eyes…she…" he can't keep going. His tears are threatening to spill, and he's sick of crying. It's not that he's crying much, but he's felt like that's all he's done. There's a painful, heavy weight on his chest. "I can't take it anymore."
"I can only do what…I can," Finn says, trying to explain.
"I know. It's not your fault if you can't help. Thank you for trying."
"Of course. I love Rory."
Logan rubs his forehead wearily. "Me, too." He nods to the staircase. "She's in our room."
Finn makes his way up the stairs cautiously. He starts to head toward the master bedroom, but curiosity pulls him towards the kids' bedrooms. Lory's is covered in pastels, and there is a gigantic pink unicorn sitting on her bed. Lucas' door is closed, and Finn knocks lightly.
"Daddy?"
"No, bud, it's Uncle Finn. Can I come in?"
"Yeah."
Finn walks into to see Lucas sitting on the bed, staring at a book. "Hey there, my man. How're you doing?"
Lucas shrugs. "I'm trying to read this, but I don't get it."
Finn pulls it from him gently. He chuckles softly. "I think Nineteen Eighty-Four is a little too hard for you right now, Luke."
Lucas nods. "It has a lot of big words. I just thought I'd read it cause it's the year Mommy was born."
"That's right, it is," Finn agrees. "I'm sure she'd be happy if you read it when you're a little older."
Lucas stares at his comforter for a moment, idly picking at a lose thread. "Uncle Finn?"
"Yeah, Lucas?"
He looks up at him, his blue eyes dark and sad. "My little sister died."
Finn's heart goes out to his godson. "I know, mate. I'm very sorry."
Lucas continues to play with the thread. "I'm kind of sad. And Mommy…"
Finn gives him a hug. "Your mommy's going to be fine, and so are you and Lory and your daddy."
"Promise?" Before Finn can reply, he adds, "Mommy says to never make a promise you can't keep."
"Your mommy is a smart woman, kiddo. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure you're all fine. Okay? I promise."
"Okay," Lucas agrees.
"Now, I'm pretty sure I heard some talk of ice cream in the kitchen, if you'd like to go down and investigate."
Lucas' eyes light up a little. "Okay. If you want me to." He abandons the book and jogs down the stairs.
Finn still feels as though he's being pulled down the hall, so he goes to the doorway of what would have been the baby's room. He gasps. The paint job they worked so hard on, the crib Rory spent hours choosing, the baby clothes in pale pinks and sky blues, the little dresser with its tiny drawers, and the mobile Lorelai made…all of it, gone. Every wall in the room is painted black, including the ceiling. "What…"
Logan comes up behind him. "It was one of the only things she'd said to me since we got back from the hospital. 'Get everything out and paint it black. Please, Logan'," he recites.
Finn shakes his head and places his hand on his friend's shoulder for comfort. "I'll go see her now. Take a nap, mate. You look dead tired."
Logan shrugs noncommittally and heads back downstairs. Finn raps gently on the door of the master bedroom. "Rory?" When she doesn't reply, he opens the door of the dark room and tiptoes in.
"Rory?" he asks again.
She reaches out and turns on the lamp. "Finn?" she asks tiredly.
She's a sight, that's for sure. Her hair is messy, she's wearing a rumpled dress shirt of Logan's, and her eyes seem as though they're permanently framed with red.
"God, love," he says softly.
She presses her lips together. "Logan looks at me like that, too," she whispers.
"Oh, Rory," he sighs, "I'm so sorry." He approaches the bed carefully. Her lips are trembling and she looks malnourished. She looks like she's drowning in the baby blue button-down shirt.
He notices her eyes, how could he not? In any other situation that shirt would have made her eyes pop, but now, it just emphasizes how lifeless they are. He almost wants to cry, and he understands Logan's pain.
She inhales sharply and he realizes that she's trying not to cry. Gently, he lies on the bed next to her. She sniffles, desperately trying to keep her tears in. Her eyes search his face, trying to see what he's thinking.
He opens his arms to her and she almost dives into them, badly in need of comfort. He just holds her as she cries and cries and cries. He rubs her back and strokes her hair and kisses her forehead, but he doesn't say anything. Sure, it's all stuff that he's sure both Logan and Lorelai have already done, but if it's what she needs right now, who is he to object?
"Finn?" she asks softly after an hour and a half.
"Yeah, love?"
She chokes on another sob. "I miss her so much. I…"
"I know," he says quietly, hugging her tightly.
"Finn, no, you don't…" she says, sitting up, wiping her eyes, and pushing him away. "You don't understand. I need things to go back to the way they were. With Logan. I don't know how to be without him. I'm lost him, but then the baby…and I had him again. Now I'm going to lose him again. All over again!" She looks at him with desperate eyes, imploring him to understand. "I can't do it. I can't deal with it."
"Rory," he breathes. "You can't possibly think that."
She gives him a look that is pitiful but also resentful. "Why not?"
"Rory, I love you, but this time, I know what I'm doing, and you're the one who's decided that the best way to test the Spiderman stunt for the LDB Gala is to try it out on your own with a really cheap harness."
"Don't compare this to your stupid stunts!" she cries, her words full of pain.
"I'm not. I'm not. Rory, this is so much worse. But what I'm saying is, this time I get to tell you what you've thought wrong. Logan loves you. I don't know why, but you can't accept that. You're killing him, Rory. He just lost a baby and now he's losing you. The two of you are so…"
"Don't say it," she warns, but she doesn't seem mad, just thoughtful. "It…it scares me to need someone as much as I need him. And if I can…if I can lose my baby, my baby, in a matter of seconds, what's to say I can't lose him?"
Finn shakes his head, irritated. "Lucas just told me never to make a promise I can't keep. I promise you, Rory, that Logan loves you. You two are ruining each other."
She sniffs and looks down at her hands. A single teardrop falls onto them. "I've been a horrible mother these last couple weeks."
He pulls her close. "Lucas understands. He'll be fine. He was trying to read Orwell when I checked on him."
She laughs lightly, reluctantly.
"Rory, I'm not telling you not to mourn. You have every right to mourn. For your baby. Not for your husband. Because he's here. He's here, and he needs you, and he misses you."
"I loved her, Finn. I loved her and I'd never even seen her."
"Of course you did," he said sympathetically. "We all did."
"I thought…I thought she might have Logan's eyes. Both Lukey and Lory have mine, and I just thought that, maybe…she'd have his eyes."
"Maybe," he agrees.
She stares at her surrounding. "I don't know what to do now. I feel stuck here."
"You should talk to Logan."
"And my kids," she adds. "Lory must feel so lost right now."
"Love, I bet you that if you played Candyland with her right now, she'd forgive you in a moment."
Rory cracks a hesitant, but honest-to-god, smile. "Okay."
Finn's sitting on the floor of the playroom fifteen minutes later, setting the game up with Logan and the kids, when she comes in.
Logan stares at her as though he's seen a ghost. "Ace?"
She mouth moves a little. She isn't smiling, but it's more significant than any smile could ever be. She's wearing a warm-looking red sweater, lose rise jeans, and a headband to hold her hair away from her face.
Logan stands up and reaches for her. They don't kiss, but hug, a movement that Finn knows is comforting for both of them. Over her shoulder, Logan mouths, "Thank you". When they pull apart, Rory wipes her eyes quickly.
"Mommy, are you playing?" Lucas asks, his eyes wide.
"Of course I am, Lukey," she tells him.
"Mommy, are you going to start playing with us all the time now?" Lory asks excitedly, grinning her adorable grin.
"I promise, sweetie."
"Do you?" Logan asks softly, still looking at her as though she's too good to be true.
She seems to size him up, and then holds out her smallest finger. "Pinkie swear," she says. He voice is still quieter than ever before, and she doesn't seem capable of a full smile yet, but Finn's sure that, as she locks fingers with her husband, that he detects the smallest glimmer of light in her eyes.
A/N: …Review!!!