Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 does not belong to me; nor do the characters mentioned hereinafter. Don't sue me! (please)

Prologue:

Dammit, Jack...

It's not like he isn't my friend. My best friend, actually. But sometimes his jokes go a little too far.

I should've remembered it was April Fool's Day.

That day, Jack gave me some soap. Kinda weird present for a guy to give another guy. But, I was assured, this was "manly soap." And he was my friend, so I told him I'd use it that night in the shower.

And I'm a sucker, so I did.

Story:

Janet knocked on the door for what seemed the hundredth time. "Okay, Daniel," she called finally. "I'm going to break in now if you don't open the door."

"No, wait!" she heard a voice from the other side of Daniel's front door. "Just...gimme a minute. Five minutes, okay? I'll be there soon."

Janet sighed, and waited.

Daniel had called in sick today. It was, Janet thought, a first for Daniel: usually he had to be dragged to the infirmary when he was vomiting and half-conscious. She'd called him to make sure he was okay, and he'd replied to her worried questions with 'just a cold.'

Did she believe him?

Hell, no.

She'd informed him that she'd be coming after work to check him out, and he'd argued with her profusely.

Something you can't do so well when you're sick.

Is he playing hookey? she thought for a second, before she realized that Daniel, who had to be bribed to eat and sleep instead of working, wouldn't just be playing games.

"Daniel?" she called again. "Daniel, open the door!"

She heard the latch click. "Finally!" she cried, then stopped when she saw him.

Daniel had a robe on, and any piece of skin that was uncovered by clothing had cream on it. "Rash," he said by way of explanation.

"With a cold?" she asked incredulously, and led him quickly to his couch.

"Um..." Daniel quickly came to a plan, before Janet could stick him with some major needles. "Janet, listen, I'll tell you the truth, but you have to promise not to tell anyone. And you can't laugh."

"Are you okay?" Janet asked, concerned for him as always.

"Yeah," Daniel replied with a laugh. "Peachy, as Jack would say. See, Jack gave me this soap stuff."

"And..."

"And it turned me green," he said.

Janet laughed.

"No, really, Janet. It turned me green." He wiped off a little of the cream on his face, and sure enough, Janet could see some green coming through.

"I glow in the dark, too," said Daniel miserably. "At least we don't have a mission for a week or so."

Janet had a hard time keeping from laughing. "Well, it'll be off in a week, Daniel," she reassured him with a grin. "Clean yourself up, and then we can figure out how to keep other people from knowing."

After Daniel had taken a shower, Janet took a look at his unusual 'skin disease.' "I think I can keep you off-base with a rash," she said absently. "A highly contagious one," she added with a grin. "It should come off in five to seven days. I think the glow-in-the-dark part may wear off sooner, though. And in the meantime, you can plot something for Jack," she said with a laugh. "Anything you need help with, ask. This was a pretty shitty thing for him to do."

"Oh, it's just Jack," Daniel said. "I mean, I wish he hadn't done it, but..."

"He didn't mean to harm you and all that, I know," said Janet. "He never does, but someday he may and if you can teach him a lesson..." she grinned again. "Just ask me. I'll help."

Exactly a week later, Daniel showed up at Cheyenne again, 'rash'- free. He saw Jack in the commissary, and walked up to say hi.

"Hey, Daniel," said Jack with a fake concerned look. "I heard that rash was pretty bad."

"Yeah," Daniel fake-grimaced. Act, Jackson. Acting. You can do this. "Little red dots, all over... Itched like hell, too. Janet said it was some new kind of allergic reaction." He felt a slight lifting of spirits at Jack's real, surprised look of chagrin. Never thought I might be allergic to it, huh, Jack? Good thing I wasn't really.

"Oh, god, Daniel. I'm really sorry."

Daniel feigned his own surprised look. "Jack, it's not like it was your fault."

"Oh—" Jack stumbled. "Of course not. Just concern for a friend, you know..."

"Yeah," said Daniel casually. "Well, I'm alright now," he said, slapping Jack on the back—a little harder than usual, actually. "Thanks." He grabbed an apple and a cup of coffee, and headed up to Dr. Frasier's office, where he had some planning to do.

The planet they went to was dull. No artifacts, no interesting machines. No accidents. "C'mon, kids, let's go," came O'Neill's curt voice after an hour. "Nothing to see here." Daniel grinned, knowing what was coming for his team leader.

They went through the Stargate. Dr. Frasier was there, as was General Hammond. "SG-1. Are you all right? You're over two hours early."

"Sir, there was nothing there," said Jack, missing a significant look passing between Daniel and Janet. "Just lotsa grass. And a couple trees."

"Well, report to the infirmary. Except for Dr. Jackson, I'd like to talk to you. In my office, please."

"Uh, sure," said Daniel, confused. What was going on? Had General Hammond been informed of his plan? Would he stop it? Daniel hoped he wouldn't get in trouble for it.

They stepped into the general's office. "Son, I've heard you have it in for Colonel O'Neill," started Hammond grimly.

"Uh, no—not..." A grin on the general's face stopped him. "Don't worry, son, he's played a few tricks on me too. I just had a few extra ideas, that's all. And a few airmen chipped in too. And Dr. Frasier. Now, if you don't want us intruding, that's all right, but..."

"Uh, no!" said Daniel. "The more, the merrier."

God, what a weird thing to say...

"Good. Now what we're going to do is..."

Daniel reported to the infirmary just as the rest of his team was exiting, pretending to look much more tired than he actually was. "Hey," he mumbled to his teammates.

"Hey," replied Sam, concerned. "You okay?"

"Yeah," he said. "Just tired."

"What's up with General Hammond?" Jack asked cheekily.

"Um," said Daniel, acting surprised, "he just wanted me to look at some artifacts. Nothing unusual." He struggled to keep down a grin, and decided to cut the interaction short before he laughed out loud. "Uh, I'm gonna..." he gestured towards the infirmary.

His team looked back at him, concerned, as they walked away. He continued slumping down towards the infirmary, then closed the door to it as soon as he was in.

"General Hammond told me everything," he said with a grin to Frasier.

"Good," she replied. "Now, he's going to get a little memo to have a chat with the general."

"About what?" Daniel asked, frowning.

"Well, you know the colonel...whatever the general says will have to be repeated several times. He could recite a cookie recipe, for all I care."

Daniel grinned. "So, how do we get Sam and Teal'c back down here?"

"I whispered during their exams for them to come back down here as soon as they'd lost the colonel," said Janet. "And now you. You don't get off a post-mission just because you're playing a joke on someone." She grinned.

Janet was almost finished with him when Sam and Teal'c came back in. "What's up?" asked Sam curiously.

The two conspirators filled the newcomers in.

God, this is boring, thought Jack. Then: No, it isn't boring. It's the General. He's talking to you and when he talks to you, you pay attention, dammit!

It didn't help.

"Colonel, are you paying attention?" asked the general.

"Uh, well, sir, I was..."

"Maybe you should get back to the infirmary. You're acting very distracted. Briefing tomorrow, all right?" The general led him out the door to his office.

"No, it's alright, General..." Jack muttered. "I'm just...not good at listening to people, and, uh—" He stopped, realizing what he'd said. Before he could remedy the situation, Hammond said, "That wasn't a request, Colonel. Go get yourself checked out."

"Um, okay," said Jack, silently cursing. He knew from experience that the general checked up on these things.

The general nodded, and turned quickly back into his office before his second-in-command could see the grin on his face.

As Jack stepped into the infirmary, he was surprised to see Carter sitting on one of the beds, and Daniel lying down on another. "Hey, guys. You alright?"

Carter shrugged. "Apparently Daniel's contracted something, sir. I think Janet was just looking to see if you were affected too. She's just finished checking me over again."

"Daniel?" Jack asked, surprised. He walked over, to see the man lying peacefully on the bed, seemingly asleep. "Daniel?" He shook the man. "What's wrong?"

"Oh, hey, Jack," came a groggy voice, as Daniel opened his eyes. "Guess that planet was a little exciting after all." He gave a quick cough. "Just—tired, and kinda sore. It's nothing, really."

Jack snorted. He knew his archaeologist, and when he said it was nothing, it rarely was. "Janet?" Jack raised his voice, and walked quickly to Frasier's office-of-paper-shuffling. "Janet, what's wrong with Daniel?"

The petite doctor looked up from a file. Jack looked at it. "Daniel's file?" he asked.

The doctor was surprised. "How did you know?"

Jack snorted. "It's five inches thick, Janet."

"Ah," said Janet, smiling. "Well, Daniel has contracted something from that planet, and I need to check you and Sam out. How do you feel?" She put the file down, and started to fuss over the taller man, checking his pulse and feeling his forehead.

Jack rolled his eyes at the treatment, but didn't stop her, knowing he'd be given bitter pills the next time he stayed at the infirmary otherwise. "Fine, Janet," he said impatiently. "What's wrong with Daniel?"

"Oh, nothing really serious," said Janet. "A little sick, but no more dangerous than a cough...may get as bad as 'flu. Really, it's nothing."

"Good," said Jack, waiting for her to finish mother-henning him. When she did, he said, "Sam told me she'd already been checked out."

"Oh, yeah, but not her blood," said the doctor. "Come on, I need you to sit down."

He sat on the bed on the other side of Daniel, as the doctor checked him out. "Well, everything looks okay..." she said slowly.

"Great!" Jack hopped off the bed.

"Wait," Janet said forcefully. "I haven't checked your blood yet."

Jack groaned. "We have to stay while you're analyzing it?"

"No, but you have to stay while I'm drawing it," replied the doctor with a glare.

"Okay," said Jack meekly. When she was done, he hopped off the bed again and jogged out of the room. "Luck, Carter," he called. "Feel better, Daniel."

"Oh, good," said Sam once he'd left. "That means I don't have to get my blood drawn too, right?"

"Sorry, Sam," said Janet apologetically, "But I need to check all your blood anyway. Routines and junk," she said.

Sam sighed, mock-exasperated, and held her arm out. As the blood was drawn, she looked over at Daniel, who was propped up on his elbows. "You sure you want to stay in the infirmary overnight for this? I mean, just because Jack..."

"Turned my skin green for a week? Hell, yeah!" Daniel grinned. "This plan has been approved by General Hammond, no less. I'm gonna stick it out. However," he said slyly, "A certain doctor may be willing to make my prognosis slightly more hopeful, so I could stay in my own room..."

"Nuh-uh," said Janet. "You want Jack to suffer, you hafta suffer a little too."

"But not all night," said the archaeologist persuasively.

The doctor looked speculatively at him. "Well, I may be able to let you go a little early. But it's not fair to make him suffer completely alone. You can have a book or something if you can hide it."

Daniel sighed. "Oh, very well..." he sighed dramatically.

The other two collapsed into giggles.

"Colonel O'Neill?" asked an airman from the door of Jack's office. "Sir, Dr. Frasier wants to see you in the infirmary immediately."

Jack frowned. "Something wrong with Dan—with Dr. Jackson?" he asked, getting quickly to his feet.

"I don't know, sir," said the airman nervously.

"That's alright," said Jack, hurrying out of the office and through the corridors to the infirmary. When he got there, he saw Daniel lying on his back in the same bed he'd been in before, with Janet standing beside him, giving him some water. Daniel's face was slightly red, and there was a thin sheen of sweat on it. "God, Daniel," he said, moving towards him. Janet looked up and saw him, and quickly moved to keep the two apart.

"Colonel, you seem to have contracted a virus as well, but not the same one as Daniel. I need to keep you two apart. I don't know what will happen if somebody's affected by both."

"Uh, I feel fine, Janet," he said blankly.

"Perhaps you do now, but we don't know how this virus works, do we?" Janet led him to a bed on the other end of the infirmary, and sat him down. "I'll get you a pair of scrubs to wear," she said.

"Hey! Wait!" He called, but to no avail; the doctor seemed to have become deaf.

"Dammit, Daniel, this is all your fault," he muttered. "If you hadn't become sick..."

"You were overdue for bloodwork anyway, colonel," said Janet, coming back with the scrubs. "I'd've caught it no matter what."

Jack scowled and moved to the bathroom to change.

It was another hour before he thought about Sam. "What about Carter? She okay?" he asked Janet when she came to check up on him.

"Yeah; she didn't have either virus in her blood," said Janet. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," said Jack, exasperated. "When can I leave?"

"When your blood has no more of that virus in it," she said stubbornly. "And it can't be cleared yet; you've only been checked an hour ago. You'll just have to wait," she said.

"Okay, so can I go get some books? My radio? A yo-yo?" He glared at the doctor. "C'mon, Janet, I'm going crazy here!"

"You need to rest," she said firmly. "And you will, if I have to get some big tough airmen to restrain you!"

She turned quickly, and left the infirmary.

That night, Jack finally went to sleep at 10:00. From what he could see of his archaeologist, the man was out of it: lying on his side, his back to Jack the entire afternoon. Janet went to check on him a few times, and had quiet conversations with him. It seemed he felt better around 9, because Janet let him go to his own quarters. When Jack heard that, he called, "Janet!"

The doctor came quickly over to him. "What's wrong, colonel? You need anything?"

"Yeah," said Jack. "I need to know why he gets to leave the infirmary when he's sick, but I don't get to when I'm clearly well!"

The doctor sighed. "Dr. Jackson's fever is down, and I told him that as long as he stays in his quarters all night he can go there. You, however, have shown no symptoms whatsoever to a disease that is rampant in your body. If they hit during the night, I don't want you to be away from people who could help you."

Jack sighed. He knew it was for his own good and all that, but it was so boring! "Fine, fine," he muttered.

Janet smiled: the plan was working. Of all the things Jack hated, staying in the infirmary was on the top of the list—well, after the NID, of course.

Janet peered into the infirmary from her paper-shuffling office. Good, the colonel was asleep. She crept over to the thermostat and raised it all the way—to 85 degrees F—in the infirmary. Good thing there are no other patients in the infirmary tonight, or I couldn't do this, she thought. She didn't want to really make the colonel sick, but if he really had no physical symptoms at all, he'd start to get real suspicious. And they didn't want that yet. She crept back into her office.

Ten minutes later, she emerged, an ice pack in her pocket. She kept her hand on the cloth over it, to keep her hand cool. One thing she'd learned during long experience was that people always believe they have fevers when a cool hand is laid on their brow.

With her other hand, she gently shook the colonel, who woke groggily. "Colonel?" she whispered. "Colonel, wake up."

He muttered, and for a minute she thought he really was sick, and fighting delirium. But then he opened his eyes, and said, "Wha'ssit, Doc?"

"Sir, I think you have a fever," said the doctor, placing her now-cool hand on his forehead.

"Kinda hot..." he said.

"Yes."

"But I don't feel sick."

"Well," she said, and took the aural thermometer, stuck it in his ear, and removed it. "You do have a low fever. I don't think you need any medicine for it, but you do need to stay here, okay?"

As if he'd actually get up in the middle of the night.

"Yeah, whatever," said the colonel groggily. "Just lemme sleep, 'k, Janet?"

She smiled triumphantly. Not found out yet! "Okay, colonel."
"Do-oc, I wanna lea-ave," said Janet's unwilling patient the next morning. "I feel fine, and I wanna go...do paperwork or something."

Janet grinned. "You want to do paperwork, sir?"

"Anything but sit in the infirmary. Please. Or let somebody get my gameboy." He pouted. "Please, I'm begging you!"

"Sir, you had a fever last night. I don't want you doing anything to make it come back, okay?"

He gave her a look. "Doc, staring at a little screen isn't taxing. I promise."

"You're not going to win, colonel, so you may as well not try."

"Okay, at least let Carter, Teal'c or Daniel come visit. You let them sit with me when I'm sick with anything, and now I don't even feel sick, so you can't keep them away."

"What if they can't come?"

Um.

Janet smiled. "Sir, I'll get them. They've been asking how you are."
In the commissary, the three 'well' members of SG-1 were sitting at a table when Janet Frasier came in. "Jack wants to see you," she said.

"Ah," said Sam. "The malingerer wants some company."

"Well, technically, if anyone was malingering, I was," said Daniel.

"True," replied the nuclear physicist. "So...anyway, let's go check him out. Teal'c?"

"Indeed."

They chatted and joked on their way to the infirmary, but when they got to the hallway outside the infirmary, Sam stopped.

"Sam?" asked Janet, ever the concerned doctor. "You alright?"

Sam giggled, and gurgled a 'not exactly.' Teal'c gave her a quizzical look.

"I just—if I go in there I know I'm gonna start laughing..."

"Aw, c'mon, Sam...if I can do it you can do it," said Daniel.

"Okay." She pulled herself together, then said, "I'm ready." The four walked into the infirmary and headed over to Jack's bedside, forcing concerned looks onto their faces.

"Hey, sir, how are you feeling?" asked Carter. Jack noticed her eyes were dancing. Why was she laughing? Was his predicament funny to her? What a rude 2IC!

"Glad to hear you're feeling better," said Daniel. At Jack's questioning look, he said, "I heard you had a fever last night."

Sam giggled suddenly. Jack looked at her suspiciously. What was she hiding? "What was that about, major?" he asked. She couldn't stop laughing, and turned her back to them, doubling over with mirth. "Sorry—" she gasped.

Daniel smiled too. "Guess the gig's up..." he murmered.

"'Gig?'" asked Jack. "I don't like the sound of that..."

"Uh, yeah. It was...a retaliatory prank..."

"Ah," said Jack, not understanding. Then: "Oh!"

Janet grinned. "Well, it wasn't just you, Daniel. Don't take all the credit. I helped—"

"Yeah. And the general, and some airmen chipped their ideas in..." said Daniel, starting to laugh himself.

"But...you were sick yesterday, right?"

"Nope." Daniel turned to Sam, who was sitting on the other bed, giggling silently. "Sam, you okay? I've heard laughing is bad for your health...too much and you suffocate or something." Sam took it for what Daniel meant it to be: an opportunity to join in the explanations.

"But—" Jack said, "Why'd you look so sick yesterday?"

"Ah," said Daniel. "Well, if you rub your face, it looks pretty red. And I have a water spritzer, so I just sprayed that on my face...and you get 'feverish and sweaty.'"

"Not to mention some pretty good acting," said Janet, grinning.

"Why, thank you," said Daniel politely, but still grinning.

"God, Daniel," said Jack, "You missed your true calling. So why was I hot last night?"

"That was an idea of the general's, sir. Turn the thermostat up..."

"I'm never playing another trick on someone again," Jack muttered.

The four grinned at him. "Good."

Author's notes: I'd like to thank my mother, who, despite not having ever seen a Stargate episode in her life, helped me figure out why Daniel had to get back at Jack. (She insisted on green glow-in-the-dark; don't ask me why.) And I'd like to apologize to Teal'c, who (gasp!) only got one word to say.