Despair
By Aislinn
"Well, John Dunne. Long time since you been to my house." Josiah said.
Forgive me Father for I have sinned, it's been years since my last confession.
"You did a nice...funeral."
I have killed, Father. Not an outlaw trying to rob the town, not a man trying to put holes in my friends. No, this time I took the life of a decent God-fearing woman. A wife, a mother, an innocent!
"Ah, I hate funerals. I don't care if heaven is paved with the softest silk and serves Kentucky whiskey, I hate sending people up there."
What am I going to do, Father? Help me! Oh God, please help me, I feel like I'm drowning!
"Preacher... did I do something to make God mad at me?"
I didn't kill Annie on purpose. I swear, Father, I didn't. I know I have done some things I shouldn't, but I didn't… I didn't think I had done anything so bad that God would hate me.
" You feelin' a mite lonely, Son?"
Lonely? I've called out to God but I don't hear Him, I don't feel His presence. Even Cassie won't speak to me, so why should God?
"Everything's different. My guns, they... they feel strange. I can't hardly touch 'em. I don't know what to do, Josiah."
I was so proud of these pretty little guns of mine, so proud of my skill with them, so proud to stand as one of you. I worked hard to learn to shoot fast and accurate. I spent hours practicing out back of the livery. Now just the sight of them makes me want to throw up. But without them I am no good to any of you, Father.
"There was a-a bare knuckle prizefighter in San Francisco named Walleye Smith. Won 54 fights, all by knockout. Hell of a right hook. Anyway, one day he hits this guy and he kills him."
Like I killed Annie. Neither of us intended to cause harm, but then, don't they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions?
"What?"
Oh Lord… Father, I know your stories always have a good point, but I am so tired I don't see it.
"After that, never won another fight."
Not sure I ever want to touch a gun again.
"Well, how could that be? I mean, if he was such a good fighter and..."
and you think I am like that fighter? What the hell good have I ever done?
"Couldn't live with his own strength, I guess."
Strength? I have no strength left, nothing left to give… nothing of worth…
~finis
M7*M7*M7*
This time it was JD waking me out of a sound sleep. Thank you to my beta readers, Vae, Aroldo, Maven and DeckerM. You ladies rock!
Standard disclaimer here…. Not mine but alphabet people can't be trusted with them so I am sneaking them out the back door.