Disclaimer: I own nothing but the demented thoughts in my head.

Maybe it's because my great grandmother died today, but I feel an absolute need to write some crack and Game of Thrones is my choice as I'm currently watching episode 3.08. This is the whacky way that my mind works. Please understand, I've only read half of the first book but this image walked into my head is won't leave me alone. I already know it's incredibly inaccurate.

Jaime marched up the steps of the Throne Room to where Tyrion stood beside the Iron Throne in which Cersei lounged, making it look far more comfortable than it actually was. The two stared at him in shock and wonderment. Tyrion looked briefly beyond him at the very, very largely muscled woman who stopped, just within earshot, her gauntleted hand resting on hip and sword hilt.

"Welcome back," Tyrion said is his most deadpanned tone. "Glad to see you've made it back in…mostly one piece."

Jaime shot him a dirty look before settling on his sister. "Did you miss me?" Even in his present condition, being in Kings Landing had returned him some swagger.

"Of course, I did, my dearest brother."

Tyrion resisted the urge to gag.

"I missed you too. We shall have to reacquaint ourselves very quickly for I have not long before I must depart again."

"Oh? You're leaving, so soon?" Cersei asked.

"I am. As per the terms of my release from Robb Stark's captivity, I have to see to it that Sansa Stark and Arya Stark are returned to lady Catelyn."

Tyrion and Cersei looked at each other. They abruptly burst into laughter.

Jaime's mouth twitched into an awkward, half smile. "Is there a problem?"

"Singular?" Tyrion chortled, looking at him. "No. Plural…yes." He glanced back at his sister. "Be there…four problems?"

"Five," she replied.

"Five problems," Jaime reiterated, somewhat nervously now. "And they are?"

"Hmm," Tyrion said. "The first is that Robb Stark is dead. The second, that Catelyn Stark is also dead."

Jaime heard Brienne's quiet gasp of shock but controlled herself after that.

"The third," Cersei put in, "is that Winterfell has fallen and apparently lies abandoned."

"Arya Stark has not been seen since Eddard Stark's execution or thereabouts." Tyrion frowned. "What's the fifth?"

Cersei snickered. "If Sansa were to return, she would do so with a new husband."

Jaime's eyes narrowed. "You married her to Joffery, then?"

Cersei shook her head. "That would have been better for her. No. Father chose someone else for her." She looked pointed at Tyrion, who sighed, very drolly.

"You?!" Jaime asked in something akin to horror.

"Yes, me," Tyrion retorted.

There was a very pregnant pause in which Tyrion's knuckles turned white as he clenched his small fists, Cersei changed her position in the chair to look even more luxurious and Jaime rubbed his chin absently.

The rattle of Brienne's armour brought Jaime out of his thoughts. "You are right," he said, at last. "That does indeed make things rather difficult."

"It does indeed, brother," Tyrion murmured. "It does indeed."

The End

I have no idea where I was going with this but whatever. Review if you like it, hate it or want cookies.