Hello again!
Here's my little twist on the 'She's not you' that Sam said.
Hope you enjoy!
She's not you
Twice in recent weeks he had nearly blurted out the unthinkable just to stop her from looking at him like that, just to make that sad look leave her face. But both times he had stopped himself before he went and complicated things even more for both of them.
And both times- he regretted not saying what he wanted to, because then she would understand. But he wasn't about to turn her world upside down by turning her into someone that she wasn't and making her that kind of person.
He had given her clues by saying cryptic things, but not once had she shown any reaction to his subtle hints, not once had his words lit the McNally fire in her eyes telling him that she got it.
He was working on getting his head cleared, working on getting himself together, and yet it hadn't felt like he had even taken one small step in the right direction.
That was the first thing he had to do, sort himself out. The rest would fall into place once his biggest challenge had been completed.
He knew what he wanted, where he wanted to go, it was just how to get there that still seemed to elude him.
How he had ever doubted that in the first place was beyond him, he couldn't even wrap his mind around his need to put time and space between him and the only person that had ever really meant that much to him.
He had made more than one bad mistake over the last ten months, the first one he tried to fix by making more mistakes, and she left anyway.
The second was made in her absence, when he fooled himself into believing that clichéd saying- out of sight, out of mind. Yup, the second he lifted the door up and she stood there looking at him like she was terrified and relieved at the same time he knew that even though she was gone, she was nowhere near being forgotten.
In that instant he knew that he had made his second mistake, when he saw her standing there actually happy to see him.
She would never know how happy he had been when she called him when they ran into trouble, and he found her alive and in one piece.
The third mistake was trying to match Marlo's PDA with some of his own when he didn't stop to think for one second that McNally would see it before he had the chance to tell her that things had changed. That stupid move had totally put them into a deeper hole that had no way out.
That was the first time that he nearly told her what was still lingering in his head, that night in the parking lot when she showed the first signs of letting him see the cracks.
'I know when the odds are against me, and when to walk away'.
At first he didn't read much into her words, and let them go as words murmured when she was mad or upset or just having a bad day. But later on, when sleep didn't come and his mind reran them on autoplay, he heard what she was saying, read between the lines.
Or at least he hope he was reading them right.
After that they seemed to find a small piece of neutral ground, somewhere for them to coexist without making it harder, but it still didn't feel right.
As weeks passed he noticed Collins' not so subtle way of watching her and found himself wondering if he had been that transparent at first.
When he was still in the denial stage.
But it didn't matter, they were stuck at an impasse with either refusing to take the next step.
He needed to be sure before he jumped into any kind of situation again, he couldn't watch her go through more tough times because he wasn't paying attention to what she was going through, what she thought and felt.
He broke things off with Marlo shortly after that, he was sure and he was done trying to make himself believe otherwise.
And still, he watched and waited.
She wasn't ready yet.
If she knew about him and Marlo, he didn't see her showing any signs of even recognizing that fact, so he waited some more.
Still, their relationship hung in the air, suspended by invisible strings that kept it fluttering over the 'friends' category, just bordering on the thin line labeled 'moving on'.
He had really tried once to get her to see what he was trying to do, by uttering words that she needed to read between the lines, but still it didn't appear that she ever read anything into them at all.
And knowing that; caused his surety to dwindle as he thought that maybe she really didn't want to go back, maybe she stopped feeling whatever it was that she felt for him once upon a time.
But that doubt changed when they had to go through a series of events that made him realize that he was waiting for a tomorrow that either of them might not have.
Look at Jerry, he waited even when he knew that he was sure and he wasted so much time.
Time he could have spent with Nash and her kid.
Sam caught a case he had worked ten years ago with his then TO, but the more they re-looked at everything, the more holes were visible.
Things were clearer now and things didn't look all that great.
When he made a bad judgment call and told his gut to shut-up, he put himself in a bad position that had him re-evaluating his decisions and choices in seconds.
And he didn't like what he saw.
Months and months of wasting time when he knew what he wanted really seemed pointless.
Having a gun pointed at your head tended to do that, it made your life flash in front of your eyes whether you wanted it to or not.
That was just another thing that you couldn't control.
And he liked to be in control, he hated it when things turned to those moments that were out of his control. Out of his reach.
Standing there he chose to decide what his last images would be of, he chose the last few images he would see behind his closed eyelids as he resigned himself to the fact that this was how he was going to die.
But he wasn't sorry as every single image was filled with her.
There were two or three of Sarah, one childhood memory the others of adult life. Then it was mixed images of Jerry, Oliver, Noelle and Frank.
Then it was just McNally.
The images ranged from happy ones, to sad ones, then back to smiles that had found their way to him recently. New, fresh memories.
That was right about when the regret seeped through him.
When the gunshot went off he held his breath and waited for whatever it was that was supposed to follow, but nothing happened.
All he heard was his heartbeat stampeding in his ears followed by the sound of heels as they clicked over the concrete.
Opening his eyes he found Nash watching him after she had shot a cop that had gone from being a good guy to being a bad guy under his nose and he had never even suspected it.
She smiled weakly at him, her face showing that she didn't find it at all appealing to shoot someone.
"You okay?"
Her words made him let out a dry chuckle, he nearly gets shot in the head, but she put the criminal down, and she asks if he's okay.
"Yeah".
He was more than a little okay, he was great, perfect and sure that he was done playing games.
Backup arrived, a string of cruisers lighting up the air outside as Nash called in that they needed the ME, a Detective had been shot and killed and that there was no longer a threat.
Sam stood and assessed the area, just to make sure that she called it right, which she had.
When a sudden storm of activity lit up the corner of the room while he was bent over the body, he casually looked up not really knowing what to expect.
What he got was even less bargained on than anything else that had gone down today.
Standing in the doorway was Andy looking at him like she wasn't expecting to find him still breathing.
She was just staring at him, her face pale and her eyes wide as they lost themselves in that Bambi look that she had somehow managed to loose along the way.
That's when he knew, without a doubt he knew.
He could see the panic and fear written all over her face, and he didn't need to see anymore to know that she thought that it was him that had been shot and killed. Nash's description of the scene had been correct, but Andy's interpretation of it had made her fear that he was dead and right now there was nothing that she could do to cover it up.
He blinked, just once; and she was gone. She had retreated back outside probably needing the fresh air like a drug as her mind processed what her eyes had seen and what she felt having to go through it.
And it all made sense as he stood up and crossed the room with every intention of finding her right now and ending the dancing they had been doing.
He found her facing a cruiser a few feet away from the door, one hand on her hip, the other hovering over her face with her back turned to him so that he couldn't really see.
She was swaying slightly, like the motion was meant to sooth her, but she stopped. She was aware of his presence behind her, but still she refused to turn around.
"You okay?" His nerves were still on edge, so his voice was a little husky. But she heard him and nodded before her hand dropped away from her face.
When she turned around she mumbled a "Fine, I'm fine" but her voice betrayed her as it slid the words out on a high note.
Sam cocked his head to the side and watched her there, in living color. The images were so much better than they were when they were in his minds eye.
"You're lying" he added. He needed an 'in' into this conversation and in order to get there, he knew he needed to bait her into giving it to him.
But she didn't bite, she just started at him then looked around to see the world passing them by.
"You thought it was me" he stated it so softly that only she would hear. He wasn't giving up on doing this right now, right here. Even if that meant that he would have this conversation with her and it came out one-sided.
She met his gaze, her jaw tensing as she nodded ever so slightly and then looked away again.
Sam felt like they were in counseling of some kind- the first step is admitting the problem.
"I'm sorry". He said that so earnestly and honestly that Andy's gaze snapped up to meet his in no time at all.
"Don't be".
Well at least she was talking to him now.
"Can we talk?" There he just came out and asked the question, he wanted her to know where this was heading, he wanted her prepared to do this.
"Now?"
He nodded even though he heard the hesitation in her only word uttered.
"Sam...". But she didn't want to.
"I'm sorry, for all of it". But because she didn't want to talk, didn't mean she wouldn't listen.
She looked away again, not really sure if this was really happening or not.
When she looked back at him he could see what she was going to ask before she did. "Why now?".
"Why not?" That was a stupid thing to say, and she thought so too. She moved ready to step away, but he wasn't done so he asked her to stop. "Stay, just listen please?".
She did, she stepped back and looked at him before looking down. She was waiting for him to have his say.
"I um, I screwed up, more than once and I'm sorry. I meant it when I said that you got me back for breaking your heart, because you broke mine too, but I didn't stop loving you". Andy's head whipped up, her eyes wide and tearful as she looked at him. Her mouth had dropped open just a little, like she was going into shock.
"I tried to tell you, when I said 'she's not you', but you didn't see it".
Andy started blinking rapidly, like she was anticipating his sudden evaporation.
"What?".
Sam pinched his eyes closed, just for a second before opening them to find her looking like she was about to crumble.
"When I said that, I was trying to say so many other things. She's not you because I'm not in love with her. She's not you because she's not complicated, and messy, and I like complicated and messy. She's not you and it would never be the same because she's not."
Andy had a sort of vacant look cross her face, but it was gone in seconds. Too many other things crossed her face then for him to label, so he didn't try. He just let his words sink in before saying more while she was ready to listen.
"You walked away from us, and yeah, I was mad. But I did it too, and I'm always going to be sorry I let you go".
Sam found himself loosing a tiny fraction of the hope that he had found running through him when he first saw her step into the room moments ago, he had been so sure that she felt what he had seen because she was scared that she had lost him in a way that was never un-doable.
"Why are you doing this? And why now Sam?" Her voice finally became audible even though it came out broken and bent as she tried to steady it.
"Because I want you back".
There he cut the crap, and just answered her question. He was so over trying to be subtle and trying to win a war that he was fighting with himself.
Andy hadn't been anticipating that as an answer, and it showed. After everything they had been through she had given up on them ever reaching this point. Until now.
Andy closed her eyes, her hand moving back up to her face as it gently rested half over her forehead, half over her eyes.
Sam felt like an eternity had passed when her hand finally dropped back to her side and she looked at him. Every second that ticked by made him feel like she was going to turn him down, say no. Tell him that there was no way in hell that she'd take him back after what he did and what he put her through, them through.
"What happened to 'no going back'? What happened to..." Andy let the words just trail off. He knew what she was asking.
Once he had told her that there was no going back, and he had done just that. He had gone back to a time where she wasn't a factor in his life. She was asking him if he'd do it again.
"Andy, I can't change the past, and I can't take it back. I made a mistake okay, a few mistakes but I want to go back, I want to get it back because I can't do this anymore, I can't do this without you".
Andy looked like she was about to cry, like his words were ripping her to shreds and she didn't want them to. She just looked so venerable right now.
And it was killing him that he was the reason, the cause behind that look on her face.
"Sam..." He knew the rest of that sentence without her having to say it. This was where he would hear her say, 'I'm scared' and 'I can't do this again'.
But oddly, she craned her neck and tilted her head to the side as her eyes narrowed.
She was overhinking something right now.
And again, he found himself willingly waiting for whatever was to come.
Sam tried to get inside her mind, tried to see what was going on inside her head but she wouldn't let him.
When he blinked, she pouted. Almost as though she was attempting to hide her smile.
Her arms had folded over her chest as she let whatever overthinking she was doing come to a screeching halt as she made her decision.
She had made her decision, she had decided.
But she wasn't telling him.
"I um, need to go to work" she mumbled before stepping around him and leaving him standing there. Frank had just arrived and spoiled the moment.
Sam shook his head as he watched her walk away, he noticed the bounce in her step and the way her entire body carried itself as it changed from what he had become accustomed to seeing to this new revived way she moved.
But he still had no idea if she was going to let him in.
For three hours he kept watching her at the scene but didn't see anything, no sign of an answer.
She left after that and he was none the wiser.
Back at the barn, she came in and headed for the locker rooms without looking his way, his eyes following her until she was out of sight behind a closed door.
When his paperwork was done, he left the barn and gave in to the offer of a drink with Oliver at the Penny and met him there.
Sam had one beer and left.
Everyone else had shown up at the Penny, except Andy so he figured that she had gone home.
When he pulled up outside his house he found her looking at him shyly from her place sitting on his stairs as she smiled sweetly and held her hand up in a small wave.
She had come here and was waiting for him which was really weird.
"Hi" she had mumbled when she stood up and shoved her hands into her back pockets.
She was blushing viciously, a sight more beautiful than Sam was used too.
"You left so...". She let it hang.
Sam nodded towards the front door and moved to unlock it and open it for her to step through first.
Once inside the atmosphere became really awkward as they both shifted around uncomfortably.
Sam looked towards the kitchen asking her if she wanted something to drink, his voice not really able to function under the pressure.
Andy nodded, but didn't say what so Sam went to grab them two beers and came back.
Andy was still standing in the lounge, her hands wringing together as she made a futile attempt to get herself together. She had a lot on her mind.
Sam handed her a beer and she smiled sweetly, but still didn't say anything. She was waiting for something and he had no idea what.
As their fingers brushed, it suddenly made sense. She made sense and her waiting made sense.
She was waiting for him to take it back, waiting for him to cover it up.
"Not gonna happen McNally" he said when his hand pulled away.
Andy looked at him in surprise, she had been wondering how it would come, how he would do it when he suddenly spoke up and said that she should stop waiting because it wasn't going to come.
"I meant it, and I'm not taking it back, I'm not going to cover it up this time".
This time Andy managed a smile, a really big one.
"I want you back, and I'm going to do whatever I need to do to get there. If it takes me ten years of trying, then I'll still be right here trying".
Andy was still blushing, her hand reaching out to set her beer down on the table next to her.
"Do you mean it?" She sounded so far away when she said that.
"Andy, I mean all of it. I love you, and I want a shot okay, even though I don't deserve one" Sam set his own beer down next to hers, the image so comforting. Her beer bottle next to his on the table.
"I never stopped feeling the way I do about you, it just got a little hazy, but it never went away. I was hurting too and I'm sorry I took it out on you. When Jerry died, a little piece of me died with him, but I was too stubborn to admit that I was more scared than I was mad at you. I was mad at me because I didn't walk you to your door that night. Mad that you came this close to dying too and I wasn't there".
Andy's face dropped at the mention of Jerry, it was still hard for all of them especially after having had to relive it.
"I cut you off because I failed to keep you safe, to protect you. Again with the grenade. Only by then I knew that I was wasting time thinking that it would work, that keeping you at arms length would make me feel any different".
Andy crossed her arms aver her chest, a signal that she wanted to put a barrier between his words and herself.
"Then why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you w...". Andy dropped her eyes to her shoes, her finally question not really being one that mattered anymore. It was none of her business anyway. He knew what the W was for- Wait.
"Because I wanted to forget. Forget you, forget what I felt. Forget what it feels like without you".
Sam took a deep breath, before saying the last thing he would say on that subject; "because she wasn't you Andy, because I thought I would fall out of love if I had a reason to, then this would be easier and uncomplicated".
"Did you?".
"No, no I didn't. I just missed you more. Wanted you more, even though you weren't even here".
Andy's skin lit up in a pink hue under the lights.
Sam had stepped a little closer, still waiting for the topic to swing over to Andy and her thoughts and feelings, but it wasn't happening.
But that didn't mean that he was going to let it stay that way.
"Why did you walk out today when you saw me?". That wasn't really what he wanted to know, but he had to tread carefully if he wanted to keep this progressing.
"Because I couldn't breathe". She said it so honestly that Sam felt bad for not making Nash say it differently when she sent the call out. But then again if he had, they wouldn't be here now if she hadn't thought it was him.
"And after the grenade? Why did you still take Dakota?". Sam was leaning a little closer when he asked that. He wanted to see every emotion she felt when he asked that, and again when she answered.
"Because I was scared. Because you said all of that and then it became something you felt guilty saying and you took it back Sam. Because you said what you did".
Sam stood up straight, his hand rubbing over the back of his head as he tried to find the exact things she was talking about.
"You said it back, and I didn't. I said 'I'm holding a bomb' and you said 'so am I'. If the grenade went off right then, you would have been there with me, and I knew you meant what you said then. But at the barn, you pushed it away, cut me off and then tried to take that back. I asked for the spot before that Sam, and... You didn't give me a reason to stay, you didn't ask me to say it back".
Sam let out a groan. He had been there, he should have know that.
"I thought it was a guilty admission okay, like you felt you had to say it". Andy added.
"I said it because I wanted you to know it Andy. It's all I've ever know with you".
"I know, you couldn't say it right? But you did show me I was just to stupid to see it". Her voice showed her annoyance at herself for having thought she had missed the obvious.
"No you weren't. You only saw what I wanted you to see". That was true, Sam only let people see what he wanted them too.
"Sam, I saw it too late. Now thinking back over everything- it was there, it just wasn't there in the moment".
"And now? Is it still there? Do you still see it?".
He had to know the answer to that. Had to know if she had seen the secret smiles, seen the way he still looked at her- even when he shouldn't have been. "Is it still there Andy?"
Andy pinched her eyes closed and locked him out of sight as she tried to make more decisions.
"I dunno Sam". She whispered out when her eyes opened.
After the scare she had gotten today, he was so sure he'd seen it still clinging to her, maybe she just assumed it was a heat of the moment thing again, and that she'd get over it.
Sam nodded, his jaw clenching involuntarily as he looked down and let a hand rub the back of his neck.
He cast his head upwards and let his mind go blank, his mind focused on the dark it saw when his eyes closed again.
He let out a shaky breath preparing himself to ask her one last question when her perfume tickled his nose. She was closer, much closer.
Her hands found their way to his cheeks as she held them there, his face tilting slightly to the side as he leaned into her hand as it's warmth spread out over his skin.
Hers were the only hands that ever felt that way against his skin.
His eyes fluttered open when she just stood there, this time he found hers staring back at him as she stood on her toes to really look at him.
He knew what she was doing, but had no idea why she stopped when she was so close.
She was still holding herself back.
Sam dipped his head, Andy rocking back onto her heels as she moved with him. But her hands stayed firmly holding his face. And his head just kept moving forwards as it inched towards her. She didn't back away, she leaned forwards too, meeting him halfway when his nose brushed over hers.
That was one thing he had only ever done with her and he had no idea why. It just was.
Andy's arms slipped from his face and wrapped around his neck when he brushed his lips lightly over hers. He wasn't ready to kiss her yet.
He wanted her to be positive that she wanted him to, before he did.
Sam wrapped his arms around her too, pulling her closer before lifting his face away from hers and tucking his lips to her temple instead.
When Andy let out a groan that fanned across the skin of his neck he let out a light chuckle.
Andy let go of him, so he did the same and released his hold on her too, even though it was reluctantly.
But she didn't pull away, she stepped closer and looked up at him asking a question "What are we doing?".
"I have no idea. Fixing it?". He still didn't have any idea if this was what she really wanted, if this is where she wanted this to go.
Attraction with them had never been a problem, the sparks were still there; but they weren't enough, not for him.
"Tell me what you want to do, what you want us to do Andy, because I know what I want and I've told you, but you're keeping me in the dark here".
Andy looked around uncomfortably, like he'd put her in a tight spot with that question. Or maybe she just didn't know how to answer it?
When she focused on him, her hands slipped down to his forearms and just held on like he was keeping her grounded. It was like she was still waiting.
But he had assured her that he wasn't taking anything back, that he wasn't going to cover anything up; so what was she waiting for?
She came here...
That was it! That was what she was waiting for him to see.
She CAME to him- again, just like she had done the first time.
That was her way of saying that she wanted this, her way of saying she wanted him.
She just didn't know how to say the words.
Sam took a slight step back and peered down at her as his mind raced away with him. He wasn't the only one that had trouble with saying things, he knew that she had in the past too.
But she came back to the Alpine that night, and she was here tonight. She had also sort of stopped him from leaving the night he had taken her and her orr home.
That was her signature move; the one that told him that this is what she wanted.
Her signature move had also been coming home in one piece from Dakota- even though it meant that she had to reach out to him in order to do that.
How had he been so stupid?
Andy had her lips rolled over each other when he kept watching her as his face finally gave in and cracked a smile without falling apart.
"You're here" Sam whispered hoping that it would be enough for her to know that he finally understood, he finally got it.
Andy nodded, her teeth bringing down on her bottom lip. When she let it go she finally managed to say a sentence although it wasn't as happy as the moment deemed "I've always been here Sam".
But it was enough for him to scoop her up and spin her around, just once before setting her back down on her feet.
She let out a ferocious giggle when he did that, it wasn't something he'd really ever done with her. And having done it now, he had no idea why he hadn't.
"It's always been you, even when it shouldn't have been...". Andy said just under her breath.
That, was something he hadn't known.
"But is it still there now?" Sam moved back again wanting to see her when he repeated his question. He needed to see if she had enough love left to forgive him and let him in.
"Yeah" she said sounding so sweet. Her nose had scrunched up and her lips drew into a smile.
He still had her hands in his, so he used the opportunity to tug her closer before letting them go and wrapping her up in a hug instead.
Andy let out a really long sigh.
One that made him think that she had been holding for a while, maybe even months?
"What?" He didn't look at her when he asked that, he was too comfortable with his chin resting on her shoulder, and her face tucked away in his to move.
"Is this real?".
Okay so her question was totally random and he wasn't quite sure what she was asking.
"Is what real?" So he asked her.
"This, us here now?". She sounded so hesitant asking that, almost as if she was anticipating a no to come as his reply.
"Yup" Sam moved away from her and lifted her chin so that she would see the truth on his face.
"This, us fixing it is real, we're real. This is real".
He really meant it, everything he had ever felt when it came to her had been real, and he knew that she felt it too. That was one thing about her, she always wore her heart on her sleeve, he just didn't want to see it before now.
Andy smiled shyly, like she found it endearing and amusing that Sam could suddenly voice such sweet words.
"Yeah, it is" she said before leaning forwards and pulling him a little closer.
It definitely was.
The End.
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Jelly Bean Jenna©