TITLE: Wardrobe Functions

AUTHOR: MikeJaffa

SYNOPSIS: How come the Doctor, Bill, and Nardole didn't have their own space suits in "Oxygen" (which would have saved them a lot of trouble) but had them in "Empress of Mars"? And can I write "scene missing" fic without throwing in a weeping angel? Oh, wait you read the fic tags already. Never mind. Just enjoy.

DISCLAIMER: Doctor Who is owned by the BBC. I am not making money off this fic.

8

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8

"Nardole! Where are you? Can you hear all …. that…" The Doctor slowed his running and let his words trail off as he entered the Tardis' cargo bay. Some of the walls and shelves to one side of the door had turned to wood, and there were wood splinters everywhere.

Nardole sat on the floor against a bulkhead, panting, cradling a sledgehammer, and glaring at a dent in the deck. "I got him…" he managed. "Took a while, but I got him."

The Doctor crouched in front of his butler and made a visible effort to be calm. "Nardole, could you kindly please tell me what the devil has happened to my Tardis?"

"Remember those space wood lice that turned things into wood?"

"Yeah."

"One of them got in here."

"How?"

"I dunno. It just did! Did you close the door all the way when you helped Bill moved?"

"Pretty sure I did."

"Meaning you didn't. Anyway, it had done a decent amount of damage by the time I got to it, and no, it hadn't reproduced. The damage is mostly superficial, but it got into the space suit locker. Right now the Tardis has no space suits." Nardole half-smiled. "So much for you wanting to take Bill into space."

"What makes you think I want to go into space?"

"Other than you and she keep having dinners on the roof on any clear night? And the star charts on your laptop? But you can't do it without regulation pressure suits. However, if you agree to forego this trip, I can take the Tardis to see me mate Zed out in the Third Zone-"

"In the first place, I am not lending you the Tardis. In the second place, I don't know your pal Zed so no thank you. In the third place, we wouldn't need space suits for a space adventure. I've had many space adventures, Nardole, and space suits were never needed for the vast majority of them. And furthermore, except for one period in history when some companies had this rather bizarre idea of cost cutting, humanity's future is a celebration of centralized life support systems. IF I am going into space, space suits will not be a needed."

…one adventure at a space station without a centralized life support system later….

"So you're still blind," Nardole said, standing across the desk from the Doctor in the Doctor's office. "You can't see a thing."

"That is the generally accepted definition of blind, yes."

"All because you took Bill to that one time in humanity's future when-"

"Oh, shut up."

….six months and an invasion by zombie monks later….

"Why do you put up with us then?" Bill asked, sitting on the remains of the Monk statue in front of the University's admissions building where the Doctor had his office.

"In among seven billion," the Doctor said, "there's someone like you, that's why I put up with the rest of 'em."

He smiled, turned and headed back into the admissions building. He had just chucked his cup into a waste basket when heard the Tardis materializing upstairs.

'What!?' Had someone absconded with his Tardis? Or was a past or future incarnation arriving? Possibilities whirled through his mind as he took the steps two at a time (once again regretting not fighting harder for an elevator in 1967) and burst through the door in his office. Only one Tardis was in its accustomed place, and Nardole was arranging half a dozen bundles by his desk.

"Nardole? What are these?"

Nardole's face seemed frozen in a perpetual smile. "Oh, hello! While you were having lunch with bill, I nicked off to the Third Zone and got some new suits form my mate, Zed. If I can't stop you from going into space again, at least I can make sure we're prepared."

"I see." The Doctor poked through the bundles: Self-contained, easy to operate space suits. Helmet-contained communications, so none of the layers human suits had in this period. They looked to be in good shape.

Too good.

"Nardole," the Doctor said warily, "this is top flight gear. What did Zed ask for in exchange for them?"

The Doctor could swear Nordole's face muscles were spasming as he held the smile. "Nothing really. Just passage to Earth."

"WHAT!? You gave a complete stranger passage in MY Tardis?"

"Well, technically, it's not yours, and I can vouch for Zed, in spite of your….history."

"What history? What do you-" The Doctor broke off, then went on: "I'm going to meet her for myself." The Doctor pushed passed Nardole into the Tardis.

"No, Doctor, wait-"

Too late. The Doctor had stormed into the Tardis and halted just before the console, standing part way around it from Zed. Nardole came up behind the Doctor.

"Nardole."

"Doctor."

"That's Zed."

"Yes."

"Were you going to tell me she's a weeping angel?"

"At the right time, yes."

"And when would that have been?"

"Uh…."

Zed wasn't just any weeping angel: instead of the long dress and sandals the others of her kind sported, Zed wore a sarong and a revealing halter top above a bare midriff. Spiked high heel shoes and a diamond in her exposed belly button completed the…unique look. With one hand on her waste and the other covering her eyes, her pose looked like it belonged in a fashion magazine.

Or something.

"What does she want on Earth?" the Doctor asked.

"Oh, she wants to visit her cousin, Clair."

"She's related to a weeping angel here on Earth named Clair?"

"Yes," the Nardole said. "It's from the name humans gave her, oh, more than one hundred years ago, but it stuck. Very big in New York is Clair."

The Doctor sagged and said, "Clair as in La Liberte Eclairant le Monde."

"Liberty Enlightens the World," Nardole said, "the true name of the Statue of Liberty."

"Zed's cousin is the Statue of Liberty."

"Right."

"And how do you know Zed?"

"Oh, she works in a holographic belly dancing parlor. She's behind a 2-way mirror wearing a sensor web that responds to infrared light and-"

"I think I can guess the rest."

"If it makes you feel better, Doctor, Zed wanted to be a runway model, but she ran into a slight problem."

"That would the quantum lock, Nardole?"

"Yeah. Never worked that out. Still, she makes good money at the belly dancing parlor. That's how she could afford the suits."

"I see." The Doctor turned back to the door. Although he could think of a hundred objections, best not to die on this hill. "All right. Bring the Tardis back in one piece, and don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"I don't know what you wouldn't do."

The Doctor glanced over his shoulder at Zed. "Yes, you do."

"You have to spoil all my fun, don't you?"

"In my Tardis, yes. Now get a move on before I change my mind."

THE END