Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events

by Lucafont90

A dramitized version of the Bad Beginning. Must get permission before use under penalty of law. Those who do not ask will be sued by HarperCollins. An agreement has been made between the author of this play and HarperCollins. Copyright 2005.

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Bad Beginning.

Scene One: Briny Beach.

(The stage is pitch black. At curtain time we hear the sounds of waves and a siren of a fire truck. Slowly mist fills the stage making the illusion of fog. We hear paced music followed by a scream. Red light fills the stage making an illusion there is a fire. We hear fast paced music again. Suddenly a leg stomps out of the curtain. The whole body comes out from the wings. It is the narrator LEMONY SNICKET. He is black lighted so the audience cannot see his face. There is a chair and a desk to the side of the stage with a scrim masking it. The narrator introduces himself as LEMONY SNICKET. He walks behind the scrim. A bright light is shone on it to reveal LEMONY SNICKET sitting in the chair. He speaks:)

Music: Fast paced music.

Lemony Snicket: The play you are about to watch is extremely unpleasant. In this story not only there is no happy ending, there is no happy beginning, and very few happy things in the middle. This is because not very happy things happened in the lives of the three Baudelaire children. My name is Lemony Snicket, and it is my duty to tell you their tale.

(The lights rise to reveal three children on a beach. They are VIOLET, KLAUS, and SUNNY BAUDELAIRE. The set is a beach with a dock and a painted backdrop.)

Lemony Snicket: First of all, Violet Baudelaire, the eldest Baudelire, was one of the finest fourteen inventors in the world. Anyone who knew Violet could tell that the pulleys and levers in her brain were going when she tied her hair up with a ribbon. Klaus Baudelaire, the middle child loved to read, and everything he read he remembered. Their little sister Sunny Baudelaire loved to bite. Their misfortune began one day when they were playing at Briny Beach. Sunny was at an age where she talked in a series of shrieks and cries. For instance:

Sunny: Gack, Gack, Gack!

(As SUNNY says this she points to stage right.)

Lemony Snicket: Which probably meant " Look at that mysterious figure emerging from the fog."

Klaus: Look atthat!(Pointing his finger just like Sunny)

Violet: What do you think it is?

Klaus: I don't know, But it seems to be moving right toward us.

Violet: (Nervously) We are alone on the beach, there is nothing else it could be walking toward.

Klaus: It seems to have a square head.

Violet: It looks scary.

Klaus: It is only seems scary because of the fog.

Lemony Snicket: The figure was Mr. Poe. Mr. Poe was one of the Baudelaire Parents friends whom the children met at dinner parties. The reason Mr. Poe's head was square was because he was wearing a top hat.

(Mr. Poe encounters the children and takes off his top hat.)

Lemony Snicket:Mr. Poe always had a cold and was always coughing into a white handkerchief.

Klaus: How do you do?

Violet: How do you do?

Sunny: Odo Yo?

Mr. Poe: Fine, thank you.(Cough)

(After a couple of moments VIOLET speaks)

Violet: It's a nice day.

Mr. Poe: It is a nice day. Children, I am sorry to inform you that a very unfortunate event has occurred.(Cough.) Your parents have perished in a terrible fire. Perished means killed. (Cough)

Klaus: We know what perished means. (Crossly)

Mr. Poe: The fire department arrived of course, but they were too late. The entire mansion (Cough) was destroyed. It burned to the ground. (Cough)

Klaus: What about the books in the library?

Mr. Poe: Destroyed.

Violet: What about my microscope?

Mr. Poe: Destroyed.

Sunny: Wa bou mi?

Violet: What Sunny means is, what about her teething rings?

Mr. Poe: Destroyed. Everything (Cough) destroyed. I was sent to retrieve you here, (Cough) and take you to my home, where you'll stay for some time while we figure things out. I am the executer of your parent's estate. That means I'll be handling their enormous fortune(Cough)and figuring out where you children will go. When Violet comes of age(Cough), the fortune will be yours, but the bank will take charge of until you are of age. Come(Cough) with me.

(MR. POE Holds out his hand to VIOLET. KLAUS takes VIOLET'S hand and SUNNY takes KLAUS'S hand.)

Lemony Snicket: No one knows the precise cause of the Baudelaire fire, and just like that the Baudelaire children became the Baudelaire orphans. And just like that they were off to a new life. A very dreadful life.

(BLACKOUT)

Scene Two: The Poe Household.

(The Lights rise to reveal the three BAUDELAIRES and the Poe family eating dinner.)

Lemony Snicket: It is useless for me to express to you how terrible Violet, Klaus, and, Sunny felt in the time that followed. If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels and if you haven't you cannot possibly imagine it. For the Baudelaire children, it was especially terrible because they had lost both their parents at the same time, for several days they felt so terrible that they could scarcely get out of bed. Mrs. Poe bought the three children clothes that were itchy and they were in grotesque colors. The two Poe Children Edgar and Albert, were loud and obnoxious boys. The three children had to share a tiny room with them.

Mr. Poe: Baudelaires! I have found a new home for you. Tomorrow you will leave this household.

Albert: GOOD, now we can have our room back. I'm tired of sharing it.

Edgar: Violet and Klaus are always moping around, and are never fun. And the baby bites.

Violet: Where will we go?

Mr. Poe: I have made arrangements (Cough) for you to be raised by a distant relative of yours who lives on the other side of town. His name is Count Olaf. Your parent's will(Cough) instructs that you are raised in the most convenient way possible. Here in the city, you will be use to your surroundings, and this Count Olaf is the only relative who lives within the urban limits.

Klaus: But our parents never mentioned Count Olaf to us.

Violet:Just how is he related to us, exactly?

Mr. Poe: He is either a third cousin four times removed, or a fourth cousin three times removed. He is not the closest relative on the family tree, but he is the closest geographically. That is why-

Violet: If this Count Olaf lives in the city why didn't our parents ever invite him over?

Mr. Poe: Possibly because he is busy. He is an actor by trade. Isn't that exciting? You see he travels around the world with a various famous theater troupes. I hear that he is very good.

Klaus: I thought he was a count?

Mr. Poe: He is both a count and an actor, now I don't mean to cut our dinner short, but you children still have to pack up your things, and I have to return to the bank to do some more work. Like your new guardian, I am busy. (Cough, cough, cough…etc.)

(MR. POE gets up from the table, and exits.)

Mrs. Poe: Well you children better start packing. Edgar, Albert help me clear the table.

Scene Three: The Next Morning

(The Baudelaires are in EDGAR and ALBERT'S room sleeping when Mr. Poe enters.)

Mr. Poe: Rise and Shine, Baudelaires. Time to go live with Count Olaf!

Violet: Do we have to go right now?

Mr. Poe: Yes you do. I'm dropping you off on my way to the bank, so we need to leave as soon as possible. Get out of bed and get dressed! We must leave as soon as possible! Come on get dressed now! Obey your elders, children!

(The children slowly get up as the lights fade to black.)

Scene Four: A Narrow Alley

(The lights rise to reveal a street full of old houses that are made of dirty brick. The nicest one on the street has been cleaned up very nice. MR. POE'S drives his on stage and parks the car in front of a beautiful looking house.)

Mr. Poe: Baudelaires we are here! Youre new home! I must say that house is beautiful. Don't you agree children?

Violet: Yes, it is. I hope that is where Count Olaf lives.

Klaus: Me too, Violet.

Sunny: Mi to.

Lemony Snicket: Which probably meant," Me too."

( An older looking lady is discovered standing near the nicest house. She is carrying a flower pot. This is JUSTICE STRAUSS.)

Justice Strauss: Hello there! Are you the children that Count Olaf is adopting?

Violet: Yes, yes we are. I am Violet Baudelaire, and this is my brother Klaus and my sister Sunny.

(MR. POE coughs.)

Violet:Oh, this is Mr. Poe. He has been making the arrangements for us to live with Count Olaf. He has been much help since are parents died.

Justice Strauss: Yes, I heard about the accident, I am so sorry children. I am Justice Strauss.

Klaus: That's an unusual first name.

Justice Strauss: That's not my first name. It is my title. I am a judge on the High Court.

Violet: How fascinating!

Klaus:Are you married to Count Olaf?

Justice Strauss: Goodness me, no. I don't actually know him that well. He is my neighbor. He is an actor and has a big theater in his backyard. He puts on a lot of plays there. Why just a few weeks ago he put on a play about the most handsome man in the world. I didn't have a chance to see it.

Klaus: Where does Count Olaf live?

Mr. Poe:I can answer that! He lives in that house.

(MR. POE points to the house next to JUSTICE STRAUSS'S. It is a repulsive looking house. It is dirty, there are weeds, dead trees, trash, and there is a tower that leans slightly to the left.)

Sunny: OH!

Lemony Snicket: And everyone knew what she meant, "What a terrible place! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE THERE AT ALL!"

Mr. Poe:We must really be going, Justice Strauss. Count Olaf is waiting for us. And I must get back to the bank.

Violet: It was nice to meet you, Justice Strauss.

Justice Strauss: Yes, it was. Perhaps one day you could come over and help me with my gardening.

Violet: That would be nice.

(MR. POE, SUNNY, KLAUS, and VIOLET head over to the old repulsive house. JUSTICE STRAUSS goes into her house.)

(BLACKOUT.)

Scene Five: Count Olaf's Front Yard/ House.

(As the group gets closer to COUNT OLAF'S house they can see there is an enormous door with an eye carved in the middle. MR. POE knocks on the front door. The door opens.)

Mr. Poe: Come, Children. We don't want to leave Count Olaf waiting. Do we?

Violet: No, we don't.

Mr. Poe: Come, come, children. We don't have all day.

(As they walk through the door COUNT OLAF'S house(set)opens up to reveal the interior of COUNT OLAF'S house. There are eyes all over the house. There are paintings of eyes, carvings of eyes, eyes coming out of the wallpaper. On the top of an enormous staircase is a tall, skinny man. He is wearing pinstripe trousers, a vest and a long coat. He speaks:)

Count Olaf: Hello, Hello, Hello. I am your beloved Count Olaf and welcome to my loverly home. Which is to be your new home and my old home. Wait... never mind. Welcome orphans…uh…I mean children. (He walks down the stairs. He walks up to the children.) What do we have here? You must be Violet, and this must be Klaus, and what is this?

Sunny: Puka!

Lemony Snicket: Which probably meant," I'm Sunny."

Count Olaf: Oh, A wittle bitty baby. How repulsive ...uh...um...cute.

Mr. Poe: This room looks like it could use some renovating.

Count Olaf: I realize my humble home isn't as fancy as the Baudelaire mansion.( Walking towards the orphans.) But perhaps with a bit of your money we could fix this room up a bit, so it appeals to you.

(MR. POE looks shocked.)

Mr. Poe: The Baudelaire fortune will not be used for such purposes! In fact it will not be used until Violet is of age.

(COUNT OLAF looks very mad.)

Count Olaf: Well, it is all the same to me. I will raise these orphans as if they were the fortune…uh…I'm mean children I've always wanted and now if you don't mind Mr. Moe, I will show the children to their room.

Mr. Poe: It's Mr. Poe. Goodbye Baudelaires. If you have any questions don't hesitate to come and see me at the bank

Violet: But we don't even know where the bank is.

Count Olaf:My dear Violet, I have a map of the city. Good-bye Mr. Poe.

(MR. POE leaves the house.)

Count Olaf: Follow me orphans. I will show you to your rooms. I hope you like my humble home. But first how about a poem I wrote. One second and I'll read it to you! Here it goes!

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players,
They have their exits and entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
Then, the whining schoolboy with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,Full of strange oaths, and bearded like the pard, Jealous in honour, sudden, and quick in quarrel, Seeking the bubble reputation Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice In fair round belly, with good capon lin'd, With eyes severe, and beard of formal cut, Full of wise saws, and modern instances, And so he plays his part.

(The BAUDELAIRES clap a fake clap. COUNT OLAFbows and says:)

Count Olaf: Thank you! Thank You! You really shouldn't. Oh! A standing ovation!

(The BAUDELAIRES stop clapping.)

Count Olaf: Did I tell you to stop clapping?

(The BAUDELAIRES start to clap a fake clap again.)

Count Olaf: I wrote that exact poem a few years ago!

Klaus: Wait, William Shakespeare! wrote that!

Count Olaf: Oh, Yes. You're right. Well, now I will show you orphans, I mean children to you're room.

Sunny: Geeha!

Count Olaf: I am sorry but I don't speak gibberish.

(They walk up the enormous stair case. There is a flight of stairs leading to the tower at the top of the stairs. They hear Footsteps above them.)

Klaus: What's up there.

Count Olaf: The tower, which you are to never enter, under any circumstances.

(COUNT OLAF turns around and starts walking offstage. He chuckles.)

Lemony Snicket: One thing the Baudelaire orphans noticed was that Count Olaf had a tattoo of an eye on his ankle. They thought that the tattoo and the paintings around Count Olaf's house were always watching them. Spying on them everywhere they went.

(BLACKOUT)

Scene Five: Count Olaf's Front Porch.

(The lights rise to reveal the three BAUDELAIRES painting COUNT OLAF'S front porch. It is an old rickety porch with dead vines entwined with it.)

Lemony Snicket: I don't know if you have ever noticed that first impressions are often entirely wrong. You can look at a painting for the first time, for example, and not like it at all, but after looking at it for a little longer you may find it very pleasing. The first time you eat Gorgonzola cheese you might find it strong, but when your older you may want to eat nothing but Gorgonzola cheese. Klaus, when Sunny was born, did not like her at all, but by the time when Sunny was six months old the two were thick as thieves. Your initial opinion on just about anything may change over time. I wish I could tell you that the Baudelaires' first impression of Count Olaf and his house were incorrect, as first impressions often are. On this day Count Olaf had the children paint his front porch.

Violet: Klaus, Why do you think Count Olaf makes us do all of these extremely hard chores?

Klaus: Maybe because Count Olaf is a scoundrel?

Violet: Maybe, he just doesn't make a very good first impression, Klaus.

Sunny: CASCA!

Lemony Snicket: Which probably meant," That's not very reassuring."

Klaus:I agree with Sunny.

Violet:He might not be someone who is used to children. He has to get used to it.

Klaus:Violet, come on. You saw how he was on the first day we met him.

(KLAUS acts like COUNT OLAF.)

Klaus:All the worlds a stage!

(The three BAUDELAIRES laugh.)

Violet: Well, I think we've finished the porch. Lets go get some breakfast.

Klaus:I'm hungry from all this work.

Sunny: EAT!

(The Lights slowly fade as the BAUDELAIRES go into COUNT OLAF'S house.)

Scene Six: Count Olaf's Kitchen.

(Lights rise to reveal the orphans eating breakfast. VIOLET picks up a note on the filthy kitchen counter. The Kitchen consists of a counter, filthy cabinets above the counter, a kitchen table. The kitchen sink, and most of the counter are piled high with dirty dishes. There are empty wine bottles everywhere . There is a fridge with moldy food scattered all over it. Eyes are carved onto almost everything. VIOLET starts to read the note. There are eyes all over the kitchen.)

Violet: Listen to this Klaus. (Reads from note.)My theater troupe will be coming for dinner before tonight's performance. Have dinner ready at seven o'clock. Buy the food, prepare it, set the table, serve dinner, clean up afterwards, andSTAY OUT OF OUR WAY! Look there is an eye at the bottom of the paper

Sunny: Koro!

Lemony Snicket: Which meant "How weird"

Klaus: We don't know how to cook.

Violet: All I know how to cook is toast.

Klaus: And most of the time you burn the toast.

Lemony Snicket: Both of the orphans were thinking about a time when the two of them got up early to make breakfast for their parents. Violet had burnt the toast, and their parents smelling the smoke ran down stairs to see what was the matter. When they saw Violet and Klaus, looking forlornly at the pieces of black toast, they laughed and laughed, and then made pancakes for the whole family.

Violet: I wish mom and dad were here. They wouldn't let us live with Count Olaf.

Klaus: If they were here we would not be with Count Olaf in the first place. I hate it here, Violet! I hate this house! I hate our room! I hate having to do all of these chores! Violet! What are we doing here!

Violet: I hate it too, I hate everything about our lives now, Klaus. But we have to keep our chin up.

Lemony Snicket: This a term in which their father used many times in the lives of the Baudelaire orphans. It meant to "stay cheerful'.

Klaus: Your right! But it is hard when Count Olaf keeps shoving it down.

Sunny: JOOK!

(SUNNY begins to bang on the table.)

Klaus: Maybe there's a cook book around here somewhere. We could find a recipe and attempt to cook it.

(There is a bookcase to the side of the stage. It is filled with books that have eyes of them. The bookcase itself is dirty.)

Klaus: There aren't any books Violet!

Violet: I can't say I'm surprised.

Klaus: I know. I miss reading very much. Sometime we should find a library.

Violet: But not today. We have to cook for Count Olaf and his troupe.

(There is a knock at the door. VIOLET, KLAUS, and SUNNY go to the

front door.)

Violet: Who would want to visit Count Olaf.

Klaus: Maybe someone wants to visit us.

(VIOLET opens the door. JUSTICE STRAUSS is at the door.)

Violet: Justice Strauss! How lovely to see you. Do come in!

(JUSTICE STRAUSS comes into the house.)

Justice Strauss: Please forgive me for not stopping by sooner. I wanted to see how you children were settling in, but I had a very difficult case in the high court and it was taking up much of my time.

Klaus: What sort of case was it?

Justice Strauss: I can't really discuss it, because it's official business. But I can tell you it concerns a dangerous gun and illegal use of someone's credit card.

Sunny: YEEKA!

Lemony Snicket: Which appeared to mean, " How Interesting!"

Justice Strauss: Yeeka indeed!

(SUNNY takes JUSTICE STRAUSS'S hand and bites it gently.)

Violet: That means she likes you. She bites very hard if she doesn't like you, or if you want to give her a bath.

Justice Strauss: I see. Now then, how are you children getting on? Is there anything you desire?

Klaus: Could we perhaps borrow a cookbook? Count Olaf has instructed us to make dinner for his theater troupe tonight, and we can't find a cookbook in the house.

Justice Strauss: Goodness. Cooking for an entire theater troupe seems like a lot to ask of children.

Violet: Count Olaf gives us a lot of responsibility.

Lemony Snicket: What Violet wanted to say was, "Count Olaf is a terrible man," but Violet was well mannered.

Justice Strauss: Well, why don't you come next door to my house, and find a cookbook that pleases you?

(The lights fade to black as they leave the house.)

Scene Seven: Justice Strauss's Private Library.

(The lights rise to reveal JUSTICE STRAUSS'S library. There are shelves full of books, expensive plants, elegant sitting chairs, and tables with reading lamps.)

Lemony Snicket: The youngsters agreed, and followed Justice Strauss out the door and over to her well kept house. She led them through a elegant hallway smelling of flowers into an enormous room, and when they went inside, they nearly fainted in delight, Klaus especially. The room was a library. Not a public library but a private library: that is, a large collection of books belonging to Justice Strauss. There were shelves and shelves of them, on every wall from the ceiling, and separate shelves and shelves of them in the middle of the room. The only place there weren't books was in one corner, where there was some large chairs and a wooden table with lamps hanging over them, perfect for reading. Although it was not as big as their parents' library but, it was as cozy, and the Baudelaire children were thrilled.

Violet: My word! This is a wonderful library!

Justice Strauss: Thank you very much. I've been collecting books for years, and I'm very proud of my collection. As long as you keep them in good condition, you are very welcome to use them, at any time. Now, the cookbooks are over there on the eastern wall. shall we take a look at them?

Violet: Yes, and then, if you don't mind, I should love to look at any of your books concerning mechanical engineering. Inventing things is a great interest of mine.

Klaus: And I would like to look at books on wolves. Recently I have been fascinated by the subject of wild animals of Northern America!

Sunny: BOOK!

Lemony Snicket: Which meant, " Please don't forget to pick out a picture book for me."

Justice Strauss: It is a pleasure to see young people interested in books, But first I think we'd better find a good recipe, don't' you.

Klaus: Listen to this, Puttanesca. It's an Italian sauce for pasta. All we need to do is to saute olives, capers, anchovies, garlic, chopped parsley, and tomatoes together in a pot, and prepare spaghetti to go with it.

Violet: That sounds easy.

(BLACKOUT)

Scene Eight: Count Olaf's Doorway

(The theater is pitch black. Music plays underneath LEMONY SNICKET's speech.)

Lemony Snicket: The Baudelaire orphans copied down the puttanesca recipe from the cookbook onto a piece of scrap paper, and Justice Strauss was kind enough to escort them to the market to buy the necessary ingredients. Count Olaf didn't leave them very much money, but the children were able to buy everything they needed. From a street vendor they purchased olives after tasting several varieties and choosing their favorites. At the pasta store they selected interestingly shaped noodles and asked the women running the store the proper amount for thirteen people- the ten people Count Olaf had mentioned, and the three of them. Then at the supermarket, they purchased garlic, which is a sharp tasting bulbous plant, anchovies, which are small salty fish; capers, which are flower buds of a small shrub and taste marvelous; and tomatoes, which are actually fruits and not vegetables as some people believe. They thought it would be proper to serve dessert, and bought several envelopes of pudding mix. Perhaps, the orphans thought, Count Olaf might be a bit kinder to them.

(Lights come up to reveal the three BAUDELAIRES and JUSTICE STRAUSS. They are in the doorway of Count Olaf's home.)

Violet: Thank you for helping us today, Justice Strauss. I don't know what we would have done without you.

Justice Strauss: You seem like very intelligent people. I daresay you would have thought of something. But it continues to strike me as odd that Count Olaf has asked you to prepare such an enormous meal. I must go inside and put my own groceries away. I hope you children will come over soon and borrow books from my library.

Klaus: Tomorrow? Could we come over tomorrow?

Justice Strauss: I don't see why not.

Violet: I can't tell you how much we appreciate this. Tomorrow before we use your library again, Klaus and I would be more happy to do household chores for you. Sunny isn't really old enough to work, but I'm sure we could find some way she could help you.

Justice Strauss: That won't be necessary.(Smiling) You are always welcome in my home.

(JUSTICE STRAUSS leaves.)

Scene nine: Count Olaf's dinning room

(The theater is pitch black. Music plays underneath.)

Lemony Snicket:For most of the afternoon, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny cooked the puttanesca sauce according to the recipe. Violet roasted the garlic and washed and chopped the anchovies. Klaus peeled the tomatoes and pitted the olives. Sunny banged on a pot with a wooden spoon, while singing a rather loud song she had written herself.. And all three of the children felt less miserable than they had since their arrival at Count Olaf's. The smell of the cooking food is often a calming one, and the kitchen grew cozy as the sauce simmered, A culinary term which here means " cooked over low heat." The three orphans spoke of pleasant memories of their parents and about Justice Strauss , who they agreed was a wonderful neighbor and in whose library they planned to spend a great deal of time. Just then the children heard a loud, booming sound as the front door flung open, and I'm ssure I don't have to tell you who was home.

Count Olaf: Orphans! Where are you, orphans?

Klaus:In the dinning room, Count Olaf. We're just finishing dinner.

Count Olaf: You'd better be! My troupe is right behind me and they are very hungry! Where is the roast beef?

Klaus: Roast beef? We didn't make roast beef. We made puttanesca sauce.

Count Olaf: What! No roast beef!

Klaus: You didn't tell us you wanted roast beef!

(COUNT OLAF walks toward the orphans.)

Count Olaf: In agreeing to adopt you I have become you father, and as your father all I ask in return is that you do each and everything that pops up into my head while I enjoy the enormous fortune you're parents left behind, and I demand you serve us roast beef!

Violet: We don't have any! We made puttanesca sauce!

Sunny: NO! NO! NO!

Count Olaf: You need to learn a lesson!

(COUNT OLAF slides over to SUNNNY and picks her up so that they are eye to eye.)

Klaus: Put her down you beast!

(We hear laughter from offstage.)

Voices offstage: Olaf? Where's Olaf?

(COUNT OLAF'S troupe enters the dinning room one by one.)

Lemony Snicket: An assortment of strange looking characters of all shapes and sizes enter the dinning room. There was a bald man with a long nose, dressed in a long black robe. There were two women with white powder all over their faces, making them look like ghost. Behind the women was a man with very long and skinny arms, at the end of which where two hooks instead of hands. There was a person who looked like neither a man nor a women.

White Faced Women # 1: Here you are Olaf. What in the world are White faced women# 1: you doing?

Count Olaf: I'm just disciplining these orphans. I asked them to make dinner, and all they have is some disgusting sauce.

Hook-Handed Man: You can't go easy on children. They must be taught to obey their elders.

Bald-Headed Man: Are these those wealthy children you were telling me about?

Count Olaf: Yes, They are so awful I can scarcely stand to touch them.

(COUNT OLAF puts SUNNY back on the ground.)

White Faced Woman # 2: I don't blame you!

Count Olaf: Well, enough talk. I suppose we will eat their dinner, even though it is all wrong. Everyone sit down and I will pour us some wine. Maybe we will be to drunk to care if it is roast beef or not.

All the troupe: Hurray! Hurray!

(The BALD-HEADED MAN walks toward Violet and speaks:)

Bald-Headed Man: You are a pretty one. If I were you I would try not to anger Count Olaf, or he might wreck your pretty little face of yours.

(The BALD-HEADED MAN goes and sits down at the table.)

(BLACKOUT)

(COUNT OLAF'S troupe is at the table and is done with dinner.)

Count Olaf: Because you haven't cleaned up yet I suppose you can be excused from attending tonight's performance. But after cleaning up, you are to go straight to your beds!

Klaus:(Shouting)You mean our one bed! You have only provided us with one bed!

Count Olaf: If you would like another bed , tomorrow you may go into town and purchase one

Klaus: You know perfectly well that we haven't any money!

Count Olaf: Of course you do. You are inheritors of an enormous fortune.

Klaus: That money is not to be used until Violet is of age.

(COUNT OLAF raises his eyebrow and stares at KLAUS for a moment. He raises his hand and slaps KLAUS across the face. KLAUS falls to the floor.)

Count Olaf: Come on, friends! We'll be late for our own performance.

Hook-Handed Man: If I know you, Olaf, you'll figure out a way to get at the Baudelaire money.

Count Olaf: We'll see.

(COUNT OLAF and his troupe leave.)

Lemony Snicket: As Count Olaf and his troupe left Klaus started to cry. For the rest of the night all three Baudelaires cried quietly and lonely hoping their lives would be better.

(The theater slowly darkens as the BAUDELAIRES huddle together crying.)

Scene Ten: Count Olaf's Backyard

(The stage is pitch black. Music underneath.)

Lemony Snicket: Unless you have been very, very lucky, you have undoubtedly experienced events in your life that have made you cry. So unless you have been very, very lucky, you know that a long session of weeping can often make you feel you better, even if your circumstances have not changed one bit. So it was with the Baudelaire orphans. Having cried all night and a long night it was, they rose the next morning feeling as if a weight were off their shoulders. The three children knew, of course, that they were still in a terrible situation, but they thought they might do something to make it better.

(Lights come up to reveal COUNT OLAF'S backyard. There is a crappy looking stage in the backyard. Next to the stage is a wood piled high. The children start chopping wood.)

Lemony Snicket:The mornings note from Count Olaf ordered them to chop firewood in his backyard, and as Violet and Klaus swung the axe down over each log to break it into smaller pieces, they discussed possible plans of action, while Sunny chewed meditatively on a small piece of wood.

Klaus: Clearly(KLAUS has a bruise on his face from COUNT OLAF slapping him.) we can not stay here any longer. I would rather take my chances on the streets or in a circus for that matter than live in this terrible place!

Violet: But who knows what misfortune would befall us on the street or in a circus? At least here we have a roof over our heads.

Klaus: I wish our parents' money could be used now, instead of when you come of age. Then we could buy big mansion and live in it, with security patrolling the outside to keep out Count Olaf and his troupe.

Violet: And I could have a large inventing studio

(VIOLET chops a piece of wood which go flinging to the side of the stage.)

Violet: Filled with gears and pulleys and wires and an elaborate computer system.

Klaus: And I could have a large library, as comfortable as Justice Strauss's, But more enormous!

Sunny: GIBBO!

Lemony Snicket: Which appeared to mean, " And I could have lots things to bite!"

Violet: But in the meantime, we have to do something about our predicament.

Klaus: Perhaps nice Justice Strauss could adopt us. She said we are always welcome in her home.

Violet: But she meant for a visit, or to use her library. She didn't mean to live.

Klaus: Violet, perhaps if we explain our situation to her, she would agree to adopt us.

Violet: Klaus, I have a wonderful idea!

Klaus: Please tell!

Violet: I think we should go see Mr. Poe. He told us when he dropped us here, that we could contact him at the bank if we had any questions.

Klaus: Violet, we don't really have a question we have a complaint.

Violet: I can't think of any one else to contact. Mr. Poe is in charge of our affairs, and I'm sure if he knew how horrid Count Olaf is, he would take us right out of here.

Klaus: Okay! Lets get this firewood all chopped and we'll go to the bank!

Lemony Snicket: Invigorated by their plan, the Baudelaire orphans swung their axes at an amazing speed, and soon enough they were done chopping firewood and ready to go to the bank. They remembered Count Olaf saying that he had a map of the city, and they look thoroughly for it, but they couldn't find any trace of a map, and decided it must be in the tower, where they were forbidden to go. So, without directions of any sort, the Baudelaire children set off for the city's banking district in hopes of finding Mr. Poe.

(BLACKOUT.)

Scene Eleven: Mr. Poe's Bank

Lemony Snicket: After walking through the meat district, the flower district, and the sculpture district, and the three children arrived at the banking district., pausing for a moment to take a refreshing sip of water at the Fountain of Victorious Finance.

(Lights rise to reveal a backdrop of the banking district.)

Lemony Snicket:The banking district consisted of several wide streets with large marble buildings on each side of them, all banks. They went first to Trustworthy Bank, and then to Faithful Savings and Loans, and then to Subservient Financial Services, each time inquiring for Mr. Poe. Finally, a receptionist at Subservient said she knew that Mr. Poe worked down the street, at Mulctuary Money Management. The building was square and rather plain looking, Though once inside, the three orphans were intimidated by the hustle and bustle of the room. Finally, they asked a uniformed guard whether they had arrived at the right place to speak to Mr. Poe, and he led them into a large office with many file cabinets and no windows.

(The backdrop of the banking district rises to reveal MR. POE'S office.)

Mr. Poe: Why, Hello! Please come in.

Klaus: Thank you , Mr. Poe.

(The BAUDELAIRE'S sit down in two large chairs.)

Mr. Poe: I am very busy today. So I don't have much time to chat. Next time you should call ahead of time when you plan on being in the neighborhood, and I will put some time aside to take you to lunch.

Violet: That would be very pleasant, and we're very sorry we didn't contact you before we stopped by, but we find ourselves in an urgent situation.

Klaus: Count Olaf is an evil, despicable madman! We cannot stay with him!

Violet: He struck Klaus across the face. See his bruise?

(One of MR. POE'S phones ring.)

Mr. Poe: Excuse me. Poe here. What? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. No. Yes. Maybe. I'm not sure. Yes. Thank you! I'm sorry. What were we talking about? Oh, yes, Count Olaf. I'm sorry you don't have a good first impression of him. Children, most times first impressions are not right. Understand?

Klaus: Yes, But he has only provided us with one bed.

Violet: He makes us do a great many difficult chores.

Klaus: And he drinks to much wine.

(Another of MR. POE'S phones ring.)

Mr. Poe: Excuse me. Poe here. Seven. Seven. Seven. Seven. Six and a half. Seven. How should I know. You're welcome. I'm sorry. What were you saying about Count Olaf? Making you do chores doesn't sound too

bad.

Violet: He calls us orphans!

Klaus: He has terrible friends!

Violet: He is always asking about our fortune.

Sunny: POKO!

Mr. Poe: Children, children. You must give yourselves time to adjust to your new home. You've only been there a few days.

Klaus: We have been there long enough to know that Count Olaf is a terrible man!

Mr. Poe: Are you familiar with the Latin term 'in loco parentis'?

(VIOLET and SUNNY look at KLAUS.)

Klaus: Something about trains?

Mr. Poe: 'In loco parentis' means 'acting in the role of parent.' It is a legal term and it applies to Count Olaf. Now that you are in his care, the Count may raise you using any methods he sees fit. I'm sorry if your parents did not make you do any household chores, or if you never saw them drink wine, or if you like their friends better than Count Olaf's friends, but these are things you must get used to, as Count Olaf is acting in 'loco parentis.' Understand?

Violet: But he struck my brother! Look at his face!

(MR. POE takes out his handkerchief and sneezes into it.)

Mr. Poe: Whatever Count Olaf has done, he has acted in 'loco parentis', and theres nothing I can do about it. Your money will be protected by myself and the bank, but Count Olaf's teaching methods are his own business. Now I hate to usher you posthaste, but I have very much work to do. Posthaste means-

Violet: Means you'll do nothing to help us!

(VIOLET, KLAUS, and SUNNY leave MR. POE's office. A black curtian lowers. The children stop and speak.)

Klaus: What shall we do next?

Violet: It's getting late. We might as well just go and think of something else tomorrow. perhaps we can stop and see Justice Strauss.

Klaus: But you said she wouldn't help us!

Violet: Not for help, for books!

(The BAUDELAIRES exit stage right. A black curtain lowers.)

Lemony Snicket: It is very useful when one is young, to learn the difference between "Literally" and "Figuratively." If something happens literally, it actually happens; if something happens figuratively, it feels like it's happening. If you are literally jumping for joy, for instance, it means you are leaping in the air because you are very happy. If you are figuratively jumping for joy, it means you are so happy that you could jump for joy, but are saving energy for other matters. The Baudelaires walked back to Count Olaf's neighborhood and stopped at the home of Justice Strauss, who welcomed them inside and let them choose books from the library. Violet chose several about mechanical inventions, Klaus chose several about wolves, and Sunny found a book with many pictures of teeth inside. They then went to their room and crowded together on the one bed, reading intently and happily. Figuratively, they escaped from Count Olaf and their miserable existence. They did not literally escape, because they were still in his house and vulnerable to Olaf's evil in loco parentis ways. But by immersing themselves in their favorite reading topics, they felt far away from their predicament, as if they had escaped. In the situation of the orphans, figuratively escaping was not enough, of course, but at the end of the tiring and hopeless day, it would have to do. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny read their books and, in the back of their minds, hoped that soon their figurative escape would eventually turn into a literal one.

Scene Twelve: Count Olaf's Kitchen

(Curtain rises to reveal COUNT OLAF and The BAUDELAIRES in the dinning room.)

Lemony Snicket: The next morning, when the three children

stumbled sleepily from their bedroom into the kitchen, rather than a note they found Count Olaf himself.

Count Olaf: Good morning, orphans. I have your oatmeal all ready in bowls for you!

Lemony Snicket:The children took seats at the kitchen table and stared nervously into their oatmeal. If you knew Count Olaf, and he suddenly served you a meal, wouldn't you be afraid there was some terrible thing in it, like poison or ground glass? But instead, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny found that fresh raspberries had been sprinkled on the top of each of their portions.

Klaus: Thank you

(KLAUS examines some of his raspberries. Suddenly COUNT OLAF takes one of SUNNY'S raspberries, and pops it into his mouth.)

Count Olaf: Aren't raspberries delicious? They were my favorite when I was a child. I received a phone call yesterday from Mr. Poe. He told me you children had been to see him. Mr. Poe told me that you appeared to be having some difficulty adjusting to the life I have so graciously provided for you. I'm very sorry to hear that.

Violet: Is that so? I'm sorry Mr. Poe bothered you.

Count Olaf: I am glad he did, because I want the three of you to feel at home here, now that I am your father. Lately I have been very nervous about my performances with the theater troupe, and I'm afraid I may have acted a little standoffish.

Lemony Snicket: The word standoffish is a wonderful one, but it does not describe Count Olaf's behavior toward the children. It means "reluctant to associate with others," and it might describe somebody who, during a party, would stand in a corner and not talk to anyone. It would not describe somebody who provides one bed for three people to sleep in, forces them to do horrible chores, and strike them across the face. Klaus knew what the word "standoffish" and almost laughed out loud at Olaf's incorrect use of it. But Klaus remained silent.

Count Olaf: Therefore, to make you feel a little more at home here, I would like to have you participate in my next play. Perhaps if you took part in the work I do, you will be less likely to run off complaining to Mr. Moe. I mean Mr. Poe.

Violet: In what way would we participate?

Count Olaf: Well, the play is called The Marvelous Marriage and it is written by the great playwright Al Funcoot. We will give only one Performance, on this Friday night. It is about a man who is very brave and intelligent, played by me. In the finale, he marries the women he loves, in front of a crowd of cheering people. You Klaus, and you Sunny, will play some donkey's in the crowd.

Klaus: But we're shorter than most adults. Won't that look strange to the audience?

Count Olaf: You will be playing a donkey.

Violet: And what will I do? I am very handy with tools, so perhaps I could help build the set.

Count Olaf: Build the set? Heavens, no! A pretty girl like you shouldn't be working backstage.

Violet: But, I'd like to...

Count Olaf: But I have a very important role for you on stage! you are going to play the young woman I marry. It is a very important role.(Smiling) Although you have no linesother than 'I do,' which you will say when Justice Strauss asks you if you will have me.

Violet: Justice Strauss? What does she have to do with this?

Count Olaf: She agreed to play the part of the judge. I asked Justice Strauss to participate because I wanted to be neighborly, as well as fatherly.

Violet: Count Olaf, father, I'm not sure I'm talented enough to perform professionally. I would hate to disgrace your good name and the name of Al Funcoot. Plus I'll be very busy in the next few weeks working on my inventions and learning how to prepare roast beef!.

Count Olaf: You will, participate in this theatrical performance. I would prefer it if you would participate voluntarily, but as I believe Mr. Poe explained to you. I can order you to participate and you must obey!

(COUNT OLAF walks up to VIOLET and gently strokes her face with his fingers. COUNT OLAF finally leaves. We can hear his footsteps going up the stairs.)

Klaus: Well, I guess it won't hurt to in the play. It seems to be very important to him, and we want to keep on his good side.

Violet: But he must be up to something.

Klaus: You don't think those berries were poisoned, do you?

Violet: No. Olaf is after our fortune we will inherit. Killing us would do him no good.

Klaus: But what good does it do him to have us be in his stupid play?

Violet: I don't know.

Klaus: I wish we knew something more about inheritance law. I'll bet that count Olaf has cooked up some elaborate plan to get out fortune, but I don't know what it could be.

Violet: Maybe we could ask Mr. Poe. He knows all those Latin legal phrases.

Klaus: But Mr. Poe would probably call Count Olaf again, and then he'd know we were on to him. Maybe we should try to talk to Justice Strauss. She's a judge, so she must know all about law.

Violet: But she is Olaf's neighbor, and she might tell him that we had asked.

Klaus: How could we find out about the law without Olaf's Knowledge?

Sunny: BOOK!

(VIOLET and KLAUS look at each other.)

Violet and Klaus: Of course!

Violet: Count Olaf didn't leave us any chores to do, so I suppose we are free to visit Justice Strauss and her library.

Klaus: Yes indeed, and you know, today I don't think I will choose a book on wolves.

Violet: Nor I on mechanical engineering. I think I'd like to read a book About Inheritance law.

Klaus: Well. let's go! Justice Strauss said we could come over soon, and we don't want to be standoffish!

(As the three BAUDELAIRES exit the stage they laugh.)

Lemony Snicket: Swiftly they put away the clean oatmeal bowls in the kitchen cupboards, which watched them with painted eyes. Then the three children ran next door. Friday, the day of the performance , was only a few days off, and the children wanted to figure out Count Olaf's plan as quickly as possible. Now Ladies and Gentlemen, Children of all ages. We are now going to have an intermission which here means, " A short fifteen minute brake(There might be refreshments.)" I would advice you that the next act is a horrible and a horrendous as the first. Not only in the next act is there a play in which a horrible event takes place, a grappling hook, A boy dressed as camel, dirty floors, and a scene in which the villain...

(As LEMONY SNICKET says this we hear COUNT OLAF laughing. Suddenly the laughing stops. The theater is silent. LEMONY SNICKET, who is sitting at the desk, quickly gets up and says.)

Lemony Snicket:The world is quiet here.

(As LEMONY SNICKET this there is a loud booming sound and a big puff of smoke where LEMONY SNICKET is standing. He disappears.)

(Curtian)

Intermission

Act 2: Scene 1: Justice Strauss's Library

(As the audience takes their seats, we hear an entr'acte that is very fast paced. Right at the climax of the music there is a big boom and a big puff of smoke. Where the puff of smoke is where Lemony Snicket reappears. He goes to the desk and sits down and speaks:)

Lemony Snicket: There are many types of books in the world, which make good sense, because there are many, many types of people, and everybody wants to read something different. For instance, people who hate plays in which terrible things happen to small children should leave this theater, go to your house, lock the door, get in bed, and forget that you ever saw this play. But one type of book that particularly no one likes to read is a book about the law. Books about law are notorious for being very long, very dull, and very difficult to read. This is one reason many lawyers make heaps of money. The money is an incentive- The word "incentive" here mean "an offered reward to persuade you to do something you don't want to"- to read long, dull, and difficult books.

(The curtain rise to reveal JUSTICE STRAUSS'S library. The children are picking out books from the shelves. JUSTICE STRAUSS comes in the room.)

Justice Strauss: Goodness me. I thought you were interested in mechanical engineering, animals of North America, and teeth. Are you sure you want to read those enormous law book? Even I don't like to read them, and I work in law.

Violet: Yes! I find them very interesting, Justice Strauss!

Klaus: So do I, Violet and I are considering a career in law, so we are fascinated by these books.

Justice Strauss: Well, Sunny can't possibly be interested. Maybe she'd like to come help me with the gardening.

Sunny: Wipi!

Lemony Snicket: Which probably meant, " I'd much prefer gardening to sitting around watching my siblings struggle through law books."

Klaus: Well, make sure she doesn't eat any dirt.

(KLAUS picks up SUNNY and brings her to JUSTICE STRAUSS.)

Justice Strauss: Of course, we wouldn't want Sunny to be sick for her big performance.

Violet: Are you excited about the play?

Justice Strauss: Oh yes! I've always wanted to perform on stage, ever since I was a little girl. And now Count Olaf has given me the opportunity to live my lifelong dream. Aren't you thrilled to be a part of the theater?

Violet: I guess so.

Justice Strauss: Of course you are!

(JUSTICE STRAUSS and SUNNNY leave the library.)

Klaus: She's stage struck. She won't believe that Count Olaf is up to something, no matter what.

Violet: She wouldn't help us anyway. She's a judge, and she'd just start babbling 'in loco parentis' like Mr. Poe.

Klaus: That's why we have to find a legal reason to stop the performance. Haven't you found anything in your book yet?

Violet: Nothing hopeful. Fifty years ago there was a woman who left an enormous sum of money to her pet weasel, and none to her three sons. The three sons tried to prove that the women was insane so the money would go to them.

Klaus: What happened?

Violet: I think the weasel died, but I am not sure. I have to look up some of the words.

Klaus: I don't think it's going to help us anyway.

Violet: Maybe Count Olaf is trying to prove that we're insane, so he'd get the money.

Klaus: But why would making us be in The Marvelous Marriage prove we were insane?

Violet: I don't know. I'm stuck. Have you found anything?

Klaus: Around the time of your weasel lady, a group of actors put on a production of Shakespeare's Macbeth , and none of them wore any clothes.

Violet: You mean they were all naked, on stage?

Klaus: Only briefly. The police came and shut down the production. I don't think that's very helpful, either. It was just pretty interesting to read about.

Violet: Maybe Count Olaf isn't up to anything. I'm not interested in performing in his play, but perhaps we're all worked up about nothing, Maybe Count Olaf really is just trying to welcome us into the family.

Klaus: How can you say that? He struck me across the face!

Violet: But there's no way he can get hold of our fortune just by putting us in a play. I am tired of reading these books, Klaus, and they aren't helping us. I'm going to got out and help Justice Strauss and Sunny in the garden.

(VIOLET leaves the room.)

Lemony Snicket: The day of the performance was not far off, and Klaus hadn't even figured out what Count Olaf was even up to, let alone how to stop him. All his life, Klaus had believed that if you read enough books you could solve any problem, but now he wasn't so sure.

(Suddenly the HOOK-HANDED MAN bursts into the room.)

Hook-Handed Man: You There! Count Olaf sent me to retrieve you. You are to return to the house immediately. What are you doing in this musty old room, anyway?

(The HOOK-HANDED MAN walks over to KLAUS and tears the book inheritance book right out of his hands.)

Hook-Handed Man: Inheritance Law and Its Implications? Why are you reading this stupid book?

Klaus: Why do you think I am reading this stupid book?

Hook-Handed Man: I'll tell you what I think! I think you should never be allowed inside this library again, at least until Friday. We don't want a little boy getting ideas, do we? Now, where is your sister and the hideous baby?

(The HOOK-HANDE MAN starts to leave the room, but turns around and speaks:)

Hook-Handed Man: Listen to me very carefully, four eyes! The only reason Count Olaf hasn't torn you limb from limb, shot you, Burnt you, stabbed you with a butchers knife is that he hasn't gotten hold of your fortune! He allows you to live while he works of his plans. But ask yourself this, you little brat: What reason will Count Olaf have to keep you alive after he has your fortune? What do you think will happen to you then?

Lemony Snicket: Klaus felt an icy chill go through him as the horrible man spoke. He had never been so terrified in all his life. He found that his arms and legs were shaking uncontrollably, as if he were having some sort of fit. His mouth was making strange sounds. All Klaus could say was:

Klaus: Ah- Ah.

Hook-Handed Man: When the time comes, I believe Count Olaf just might leave you to me. So if I were you, I'd start acting a little nicer. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to fetch your poor orphan siblings.

(The HOOK-HANDED MAN puts the book down and leaves the room.)

Lemony Snicket:Klaus felt his body go limp as the Hook-Handed Man left the room, and he wanted to sit there for a moment a catch his breath. But his mind wouldn't let him. This was his last moment in the library, and perhaps his last opportunity to foil Count Olaf's plan. But what to do? Hearing the faint sound of the Hook-Handed Man talking to Justice Strauss in the garden. Klaus looked frantically around the library for something that could be helpful. Then just as he heard the man's footsteps heading back his way. Klaus spied one book, and quickly grabbed it. He untucked his shirt and put the book inside, hastily retucking it just as the Hook-Handed Man reentered the library, escorting Violet and carrying Sunny, who was trying without success to bite the mans hooks.

(As LEMONY SNICKET says the above the HOOK-HANDED MAN, VIOLET, and SUNNY enter the room. SUNNY is in the HOOK-HANDED MAN'S arms and is trying to bite his hooks. KLAUS hurriedly takes the book that the HOOK-HANDED MAN took from him and tucks it into his shirt.)

Klaus: I'm ready to go.

(KLAUS quickly puts his arms over his chest and stomach and leaves the room. The HOOK-HANDED MAN, VIOLET, and SUNNY leave the room.)

Lemony Snicket:Klaus walked quickly ahead of his siblings, hoping that nobody would notice the book-shaped lump in his shirt. Maybe, just maybe, the book Klaus was smuggling could save their lives.

Act Two: Scene Two: The Baudelaires' Bedroom.

(Lights rise to reveal the children's bedroom. KLAUS is standing by a broken window. CIOLET is sleeping in a brass lumpy looking bed. And SUNNY is sleeping in a pile of curtains. The rooms consists wallpaper with eyes on it. A painting with an eye just like COUNT OLAF"S tattoo. There is a window shaped like an eye, but the glass is broken. There is a pile of stones right next to the bed. A cardboard box is to the side of the stage. KLAUS is reading the book he stole from JUSTICE STRAUSS'S library.)

Lemony Snicket: Klaus stayed up all night reading, which was normally something he loved to do. Back when his parent's were alive Klaus used to take a flashlight to bed with him and hide under his covers, reading until he couldn't keep his eyes open. Some mornings, his father would come into Klaus's room to wake him up and find him asleep, still clutching his flashlight in one hand and his book in the other. But on this particular night, of course, the circumstances were much different. Klaus stood by the window, squinting as he read his smuggled book by the moonlight that trickled into the room. He occasionally glanced at his sisters. Violet was sleeping fitfully- a word which here means, " with much tossing and turning"- on the lumpy bed, and Sunny had wormed her way into the pile of curtains so that she just looked like a small heap of cloth. Klaus had not told his siblings about the book, because he didn't want to give them false hope. He wasn't sure the book would help them out of their dilemma. The book was long and difficult to read, and Klaus became more and more tired as the night wore on. Occasionally his eyes would close. He found himself reading the same sentence over and over. He found himself reading the same sentence over and over. He found himself reading the same sentence over and over. But then he would remember the way the hook-hands of Count Olaf's associate had glinted in the library, and would imagine them tearing into his flesh, and he would wake right up and continue reading. He found a small scrap of paper and tore it into strips, which he used to mark significant parts of the book.

(Here we start seeing lights of the sun go through the broken window.)

Lemony Snicket: By the time the light outside grew grey with the approaching dawn, Klaus had found out all he needed to know. His hopes rose along with the sun. Finally, when the first bats began to shriek, Klaus tiptoed to the door of the bedroom and eased it open quietly, careful not to wake the restless Violet or Sunny, who was still hidden in the pile of curtains. Then he went to the kitchen and sat and waited for Count Olaf!

(Curtain)

Act two: Scene Three: Count Olaf's Kitchen

(The rises to reveal COUNT OLAF striding onto the stage, KLAUS is sitting at the kitchen table.)

Count Olaf: Hello, orphan. You are up early.

Klaus: I've been up all night, reading this book. You might be familiar with the title? Inheritance Law and Its Implications? I have learned many things

(KLAUS holds the book up so COUNT OLAF and the audience can see it can see it. COUNT OLAF goes to a cupboard a takes out a bottle of wine and a goblet.)

Klaus: The word "nuptial" means relating to marriage!

Count Olaf: I know what the word nuptial means. Where did you get that horrible book?

(COUNT OLAF uncorks the wine bottle and pour the wine into the goblet and drinks.)

Klaus: I got it from Justice Strauss's Library. But that is not important. What is important is I have found out you're plan.

Count Olaf: Is that so, orphan? And what is my plan, you little runt?

(KLAUS opens the book and reads from it.)

Klaus: The laws of marriage in this community are very simple. The requirements are as follows: the presence of a judge, a statement of "I do" by both the bride and groom, and the signing of an explanatory document in the bride's own hand. If my sister says "I do" and signs a piece of paper, while Justice Strauss is in the room, then she is legally married. This play shouldn't be called The Marvelous Marriage. Its should be called The Menacing Marriage! You're not going to marry Violet figuratively-you're going to marry Violet Literally! This play won't be pretend; it will be real and legally binding.

Count Olaf: You're sister isn't old enough to get married.

Klaus: She can get married if she has the permission of her legal guardian, acting 'in loco parentis'. I read that too you can't fool me.

Count Olaf: Why would I want to actually marry your sister? It is true she is beautiful, but an extremely handsome actor like myself can acquire any number of beautiful women.

Klaus: A legal husband has the right to control any money in the possession of the legal wife. You are going to marry my sister to get control of the Baudelaire fortune! or that is at least what you planned to do. But when Mr. Poe finds out, this Marvelous Marriage will not be performed, and you, you fiend will go to jail!

(COUNT OLAF sits calmly at the table and smirks at KLAUS.)

Count Olaf: I guess you found me out. I suppose you are right, I'll go to jail, and you and the other orphans will go free, and live with someone who actually cares about you. I suppose you want a happy ending don't you? Now, why don't you go run up to your room and wake your sisters? I'm sure they'll want to know about you victory over my evil, evil ways.

Klaus: Well, I will go tell my sisters.

(KLAUS walks up the stairs.)

Act Two: Scene Three: The Baudelaires' room.

(KLAUS goes over to VIOLET and wakes her up.)

Klaus: I stayed up all night reading and I discovered what Count Olaf is up to. At the performance of The Marvelous Marriage Count Olaf plans to marry you for real. When you are legally married by Justice Strauss, Count Olaf will be in complete control of the Baudelaire fortune and then we he has the money he can dispose of us.

Violet: Oh no! What can we do?

Klaus: We can show this book to Mr. Poe and he will finally believe us that Count Olaf is up to no good. Quick, get dressed we want to get to the bank as soon as possible! I will wake sunny.

(KLAUS walks over to the bundle of curtains.)

Klaus: Sunny? Sunny? Sunny?

(Yelling and searching through the pile of curtains.)

Klaus: Sunny! Violet! Sunny' gone!

Violet: Where can she be? She's not one to run off.

(COUNT OLAF walks into the children's room.)

Count Olaf: Well, where can she be indeed. Yes, it certainly is strange to find a poor-little-child missing. And one so small, and helpless.

Violet: Where's Sunny? What have you done with her?

Count Olaf: But then again, a person sees strange things every day. In fact, if you two brat orphans follow me out to the back porch, I think we shall all see something rather strange.

(The children follow COUNT OLAF.)

(Curtain)

Act Two: Scene Four: Count Olaf's Back Porch.

(The curtain rises to reveal COUNT OLAF'S back porch. We can see a lot of dead trees, weeds, the tower, and a very gloomy sky. The BAUDELAIRES start gazing around looking for something.)

Count Olaf: You are not looking in the right place. For orphans who read so much, you two are very unintelligent. I believe if you look up at the sky you will find something remarkably strange.

(The BAUDELAIRES look up at the sky. SUNNY is dangling from the tower and is in a cage.)

Klaus: Oh no!

Violet: Let her go! She has not done anything to you! She is only a baby.

Count Olaf: Well now, If you really want me to let her go, I will.

(COUNT OLAF pulls out a walkie-talkie and speaks into it.)

Count Olaf: Let her go.

(We suddenly see the cage start to fall.)

Violet: No! Don't!

(Speaking into the walkie-talkie.)

Count Olaf: Can I get a hold on that?

(Pause)

Count Olaf:No you idiot, I mean stop the cage!

Violet: Please, she's just a baby. We'll do anything, anything. Just don't harm her.

Count Olaf: Anything? Would you, for instance, consider marrying me during tomorrow night's performance? While you were busy reading books and making accusations. I had one of my quietest, sneakiest assistants skulk into your bedroom and steal poor, wittle, Sunny away. She is perfectly safe, for now. Now, Violet, let me ask you again: will you marry me? Come now. Would it be so terrible to live in my house, clean my dishes, massage my feet, clean my floors, sleep in my bed, cook me breakfast, lunch, and dinner?

Violet: If you let Sunny go, I will marry you.

Klaus: Violet!

Violet: You're an evil man.

Count Olaf: Yes, I may be a evil man, but I have concocted a foolproof way of getting your fortune, which is more than you four-eyed bookworm have been able to do. Now, give me that book that gave you such ideas, and do the chores assigned to you.

(COUNT OLAF strides into the house.)

Klaus: Violet, you don't have to go through with this.

Violet: I have to, Klaus.

Klaus: No, you don't.

Violet: Klaus, I have to, for Sunny's safety.

(The lights slowly fade to black as Violet walks into the house.)

Act Two: Scene Five: Count Olaf's Backyard.

Lemony Snicket: While Klaus was inside the house doing his chores, Violet was thinking of an invention she could build to save poor little Sunny from the enormous tower. This would be a good time for you to leave this theater, go to the coffee shop down the street, order a cup of tea, and wish you could forget everything about this play.

(The lights rise to reveal COUNT OLAF'S backyard. There is an enormous pile of trash to the side of the stage. VIOLET ties her hair up and walks over to the piles of trash and starts looking through it. VIOLET finds materials to make a grappling hook.)

Lemony Snicket: Violet had found very few materials with which she could invent something. Violet had to build a rescuing device. Violet found an old umbrella. the umbrella was so old that it had lost all the material. All that was left was the body of the umbrella.

Violet: Of Course, I could make a grappling hook out of this. All I need is some kind of a rope.

(There is some old rope of the top of the pile of trash. Violet gets the rope.)

Lemony Snicket:Violet tied the rope to the old umbrella using a particular knot. The particular knot she was using was called the Devil's Tongue. A group of female Finnish pirates invented it back in the fifteenth century, and named it the Devil's Tongue because it twisted this way and that, in a most complicated and eerie way. As Violet was worked, she remembered something her parents had said to her when Klaus was born, and again when they brought Sunny home from the hospital. " You are the eldest Baudelaire child. And as the eldest, it will always be your responsibility to look after you younger siblings. Promise us that you will always watch out for them and make sure they don't get into trouble. Violet had finished the grappling hook.

Violet: All I need to do is get this grappling hook to hold on to that window of the tower.

(VIOLET swings the grappling hook up into the rafters. We hear a cling. The rope has hit the tower, and has stayed.)

Violet: Yes, now all I have to do is climb up the tower and save Sunny!

(The curtain falls as VIOLET starts to climb the tower.)

Intermission

Act Three: Scene One: The Tower Room.

Lemony Snicket: Violet had made it. She succeeded in making a grappling hook, and it worked!

(The curtain rises to reveal VIOLET climbing up the last few feet of the tower. As she get to the window, the grappling hook falls. VIOLET almost falls, but just as she almost falls she catches on to the window seal. She climbs into the tower room. The set turns around to reveal COUNT OLAF'S tower room. There are eyes everywhere. Once VIOLET is in the tower room, she starts to explore.)

Violet: My goodness, this room is filthy.

(VIOLET walks over to a table with papers on it and picks up a few pieces of paper and reads what they say.)

Violet: A newspaper... Orphans at fault? Baudelaire mansion burns down. Enormous fortune left behind.

(VIOLET picks up another piece of paper.)

Violet: An eye? VFD? The world is quiet here?

(The HOOK-HANDED MAN comes out from a curtain.)

Hook-Handed Man: The world is quiet here indeed? How lovely of you to join us. I am so glad you are here. I was just thinking how much I wanted to see that pretty little face of yours. Now have a seat.

(VIOLET lunges for the tower window. The HOOK-HANDED MAN lunges

and catches VIOLET.)

Hook-Handed Man: Tch! Tch! Tch! Now do I have to tie you up like your little brat sister?

Violet: What are you going to do with me?

Hook-Handed Man: Nothing, as long as you take a seat.

(HOOK-HANDED MAN reaches into his coat pocket and takes out a walkie-talkie. He presses a button and speaks into it.)

Hook-Handed Man: Boss, its me. Your pretty little bride just climbed up here to try and rescue the biting baby. I don't know. With some sort of rope.

Violet: It was a grappling hook. I made it myself.

(Still speaking into walkie-talkie.)

Hook-Handed Man: She says it was a grappling hook. I don't know boss. Yes, boss. Yes, boss, of course I understand she's yours. Yes, boss.

(Turns walkie-talkie off and speaks to VIOLET.)

Hook-Handed Man:Count Olaf is very displeased with his bride.

Violet: I am not his bride!

Hook-Handed Man: Very soon you will be. In the meantime, however, I have to go and fetch you four-eyed brother. The three of you will be lock in this room until night falls. That way, Count Olaf can be sure you will all stay out of mischief.

(The HOOK-HANDED MAN leaves the room. VIOLET goes over to the table and picks up the piece of paper she was reading. She reads.)

Violet: Volunteer Fire D? I can't read it.

(VIOLET finds a picture.)

Violet: Mom? Dad? Count Olaf? Why are they in this picture?

(The HOOK-HANDED MAN walks back into the room with KLAUS.)

Hook-Handed Man:Here's the last orphan. And now I must go help Count Olaf with final preparations for tonight's performance. No monkey business, you two, or I will have to tie you up and let you dangle out of the window as well.

(The HOOK-HANDED MAN leaves the room.)

Klaus: What has happened? Why are we up here?

Violet: I tried to save Sunny using an invention of mine to climb up the tower.

Klaus: It's so high up. You must have been terrified.

Violet: It was very scary, but now as scary as the thought of marring Count Olaf.

Klaus: I am sorry you're invention didn't work.

Violet: The invention worked perfectly. I just got caught. And now we're doomed. The Hook-Handed Man said he'd keep us here until tonight, and then it's The Marvelous Marriage.

Klaus: Do you think you could invent something that would help us escape?

Violet: Maybe, and why don't you go through those books and papers? Perhaps there's some information that could be of use.

Lemony Snicket: For the next few hours, Violet and Klaus searched the room and their own minds for anything that might help them. Violet looked for objects with which she could invent something. Klaus read through Count Olaf's papers and books. From time to time, they would go over to Sunny and smile at her.

Violet: If we had any kerosene. I could make Molotov cocktails with these bottles.

Klaus: What are Molotov cocktails?

Violet: They're small bombs made inside bottles. We could throw them out the window and attract the attention of a passerby.

Klaus: But we don't have any kerosene. If we were polygamists Count Olaf's marriage plan wouldn't work.

Violet: What are polygamists?

Klaus: They are people who marry more than one person. In this community it is illegal.

Violet: But we're not polygamists. We could break these bottles in half and use them as knives, but I'm afraid Count Olaf's troupe would overpower us.

Klaus: You could say 'I don't' Instead of 'I do', but I am afraid Count Olaf would order Sunny dropped off the tower.

(COUNT OLAF enters the room.)

Count Olaf: I certainly would! Come orphans! It is time for the big event. My associate here will stay behind in this room and we will keep in constant contact through our walkie-talkies. If anything goes wrong during tonight's performance, your poor wittle sister will be dropped to her death. Splat! Come along now!

(BLACKOUT)

Act Three: Scene Two: Count Olaf's Dressing Room.

(The lights rise to reveal COUNT OLAF'S dressing room. We see a mirror shaped like an eye. Curtains are hung all over the room with eyes painted on them. Posters, with COUNT OLAF on them, are nailed to the wall. An assortment of odd objects are place around the stage. COUNT OLAF is sitting in a rickety chair. He is putting makeup on.)

Count Olaf:I once was great. I was the greatest actor in the world. I have performed with some of the most famous Theater Troupes in the world and look at what I get! Three ungrateful orphans. But that will all change tonight! Oh, tonight will be history. The night the world's most handsome and talented actor stole the enormous Baudelaire fortune. New and fancy clothes for me. Oh, how they will pay. No more acting with amateurs. Yes, I know I have my own theater, but I want more! I want so much more. I want everything I've ever seen in the movies! And the Baudelaire fortune will help me get what I want. All that money. And now I know how to get it. A fool-proof villain's plan. It is positively the most brilliant idea the world has ever seen. And who thought of it? Me! Count Olaf, the most handsome and talented actor to walk the face of the Earth! And as a bonus, I get Violet Baudelaire as my lovely wife. Oh, how I'll treat her. She'll do everything. The cleaning, the cooking, the pampering. But what will I do with the two other brats? I know. Servants!(Laugh) Tonight I perform the greatest piece of drama ever written! I will steal the Baudelaire fortune!

(COUNT OLAF pulls out a hipflask and drinks from it. He stands and turns toward the audience and whispers.)

Count Olaf: And no one will ever stop me.

(BLACKOUT)

Act Three: Scene Two: Backstage at Count Olaf's Backyard Theater.

Lemony Snicket: As Violet and Klaus, stood still backstage at Count Olaf's theater, they were of two minds, a phrase which here means " They felt two different ways at the same time." On one hand, they were of course filled with dread. From the murmur of voices they heard on stage, the two Baudelaire orphans could tell that the performance of The Marvelous Marriage had begun, and it seemed too late to do anything to foil Count Olaf's plan. On the other hand, however, they were fascinated, as they had never been backstage at a theatrical production and there was so much to see. Members of Count Olaf's theater troupe hurried this way and that, too busy to even glance at the children.

(The Lights rise to reveal backstage at Count Olaf backyard theater. COUNT OLAF strides on stage and speaks.)

Count Olaf: Act two is over. Why aren't the orphans in their costumes?

White-Faced Women #1: Oh, sorry sir. Right away sir.

Count Olaf: Intermission is only ten minutes long, and the children must perform. Get them into costumes quickly.

(The WHITE-FACED WOMAN #1 hands KLAUS a donkey costume. The WHITE-FACED WOMAN #2 hands VIOLET a wedding gown and vale. They both speak at the same time.)

White-Faced Woman #1 and 2: Put these on, or else.

(The WHITE-FACED WOMEN leave the stage. VIOLET and KLAIS put on their costumes. When they are done JUSTICE STRAUSS walks on stage.)

Justice Strauss: Isn't this exciting? You children look wonderful!

Klaus: So do you. What's that book?

Justice Strauss: Why, these are my lines. Count Olaf told me to bring a law book and read the real wedding ceremony, in order to make the play as realistic as possible. All you have to say, Violet, is 'I do,' but I have to make quite a speech. This is going to be such fun!

Violet: You know what would be fun is if you changed your line around, just a little.

Klaus: Yes, Justice Strauss. Be creative. There's no reason to stick to the legal ceremony. It's not as if it's a real wedding.

(JUSTICE STRAUSS frowns.)

Justice Strauss: I don't know about that, children. I think it would best to follow Count Olaf's instructions. After all he's in charge.

A voice offstage: Justice Strauss! Justice Strauss! Please report to the makeup artist!

Justice Strauss: Oh my word! I get to wear makeup! Children, I must go. See you on stage, my dears!

Klaus: What can we do? Pretend to be sick? Maybe they'd call off the performance.

Violet: Count Olaf would know what we were up to.

A voice offstage: Act three of The Marvelous Marriage by Al Funcoot is about to begin! Everyone, please, get in your places for act three!

(BALD-HEADED MAN walks on stage. He speaks to KLAUS.)

Bald-Headed Man: No funny stuff! Remember, when you go out there, just do exactly what you are supposed to do. Count Olaf will be holding his walkie-talkie during the entire act, and if you do even one thing wrong , he'll be giving Sunny a call up there in the tower. Understand, you brat?

Klaus: Yes, yes!

Bald-Headed Man: You'd better do exactly as planned!

(MR. POE walks on stage.)

Mr. Poe: I'm sure they will. Polly and I just wanted to tell you to break a leg!

Klaus: What?

Mr. Poe: That's a theater term meaning 'good luck on tonight's performance.' I am glad that you children have adjusted to life with your new father and are participating in family activities.

Klaus: Mr. Poe. Violet and I have something very important to tell you. It's very important.

Mr. Poe: What is it?

Count Olaf: Yes, what is it you have to tell Mr. Poe, children?

Klaus: Just that we appreciate all you've done for us, Mr. Poe. That's all we wanted to say.

Mr. Poe: Of course, of course. Well Polly and I had better take our seats. Break a leg, Baudelaires!

(Mr. Poe leaves.)

Klaus: I wish we could break a leg.

Count Olaf: You will, soon enough.

Bald-Headed Man: You and I will stay here for the duration of the act. That means the whole thing.

Klaus: I know what it means.

Bald-Headed man: No nonsense.

(BLACKOUT)

Act Three: Scene Three: Count Olaf's Backyard Theater( The Wedding Ceremony

( The lights slowly rises to reveal COUNT OLAF'S Backyard Theater. The set consists of a rickety old stage with a proscenium arch, curtain with eyes on them, a couple of rows of seats where the audience members of The Marvelous Marriage sit, dead tree are placed certain locations of the stage, and a very gloomy sky. The Wedding Ceremony has begun.)

Justice Strauss: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Count Olaf: I do.

(To VIOLET.)

Justice Strauss: Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Violet: I...do.

(BALD-HEADED MAN speaks to KLAUS.)

Bald-Headed Man: Don't move an inch.

(COUNT OLAF signs the document and then gives the quill to VIOLET. VIOLET signs with her left hand.)

Lemony Snicket: Violet's eyes were wide open as she signed the marriage document with her left hand.

Count Olaf: And now to conclude tonight's performance. I have an announcement. This has not been a scene of fiction. My marriage to Violet Baudelaire is perfectly legal, and now I am in control of her entire fortune!

Justice Strauss: That can't be!

Count Olaf: The marriage laws in this community are quite simple. The bride must say 'I do' in the presence of a judge like yourself, and sign an explanatory document. And all of you are witnesses

An Actor: But Violet is only a child. She's not old enough to marry.

Count Olaf: She is if her legal guardian agrees, and who's that? (Yells)me! (He laughs)

Justice Strauss: But That is just a piece of paper. It's not an official document. That's only a stage prop!

Count Olaf: I think if you look at it carefully you will see it is an official document from City Hall.

(JUSTICE STRAUSS looks at it and then speaks.)

Justice Strauss: You're right, this marriage, unfortunately is completely legal. Violet said 'I do,' and signed her name on this paper. Count Olaf, you are Violet's husband, and therefore in complete control of her estate.

(MR. Poe runs on stage. He takes the document from JUSTICE STRAUSS.)

Mr. Poe: That can't be! This is dreadful nonsense.

Justice Strauss: I'm afraid this dreadful nonsense is the law.

(JUSTICE STRAUSS starts to cry.)

Justice Strauss: I can't believe how easily I was tricked. I would never do anything to harm you children. Never.

Count Olaf: You were easily tricked! It was child's play, winning this fortune! Now, if all of you will excuse me, my bride and I need to go home for our wedding night.

Klaus: First let Sunny go! You promised to let her go!

Mr. Poe: Where is Sunny?

Count Olaf: She's all tied up at the moment, if you will pardon a joke.

(COUNT OLAF takes out his walkie-talkie and speaks into it.)

Count Olaf: Hello? Yes, of course its me, you idiot. Everything has gone according to plan. Please remove Sunny from her cage and bring her directly down to the backyard theater.

(COUNT OLAF speaks to KLAUS.)

Count Olaf: Are you happy?

Klaus: Yes.

(BALD-HEADED MAN whispers to KLAUS.)

Bald-Headed Man: Don't you think you're so safe? Count Olaf will take care of you and your sisters later. He doesn't want to do it in front of all these people.

Mr. Poe: Well, I am not satisfied at all. There must be a mistake!

Count Olaf: I'm afraid, however, that it is legally binding. Tomorrow, Mr. Poe. I shall come down to the bank and withdraw the complete Baudelaire fortune!

Mr. Poe: I (Cough)won't allow it! I absolutely won't allow it! (Cough)

Count Olaf: I am afraid you have to!

Justice Strauss: I'm afraid Olaf is right. This marriage is legally binding.

Violet: Begging your pardon, but I think you may be wrong.

Count Olaf: What did you say Countess?

Violet: I am not your Countess. At least, I don't think I am.

Count Olaf: And why is that?

Violet: I did not sign the document in my own hand, as the law states.

Count Olaf: What do you mean! We all saw you!

Justice Strauss: I am afraid your husband is right, dear. There's no use denying it. There are to many witnesses.

Violet: Like most people I am right handed. But I signed the document with my left hand.

Count Olaf: What? You are a liar! Stop lying you little brat!

Klaus: No she's not! I remember, Because I watched her left hand sign the document!

Count Olaf: It is impossible to prove!

Violet: If you like I shall be happy to write my name again, on another piece of paper, with , my right and then with my left. Then we can see which signature the one on the document most resembles.

Count Olaf: A small detail , like which hand you used to sign doesn't matter in the least!

Mr. Poe: If you don't mind sir, I'd like Justice Strauss to make that decision.

Justice Strauss: Let me see.

(MR. POE hands the document to JUSTICE STRAUSS.)

Justice Strauss: If Violet is indeed right-handed and she signed the document with her left hand, then it follows that the signature does not fulfill the requirements of the nuptial laws. The law clearly states the document must be signed in the brides own hand. Therefore, we can conclude that this marriage is invalid. Violet, you are not a Countess, and Count Olaf, you are not in control of the Baudelaire fortune!

Voices from audience: Hooray!

Count Olaf: In that case you will either marry me again, and correct this time, or I will-

(SUNNY runs on stage. The HOOK-HANDED MAN follows behind.)

Sunny: Neepo!

Klaus: Sunny! You're safe!

Violet: Somebody bring her something to eat! She must be very hungry after hanging in a tower window all that time.

Count Olaf: Argh! You may not be my wife, but you are still my daughter and-

Mr. Poe: Do you honestly think that I will allow you to continue to care for these children, after the treachery I have seen her tonight?

Count Olaf: The orphan brats are mine, and with me they shall stay. There is nothing illegal about trying to marry someone.

Justice Strauss: But there is something illegal about dangling an infant out of a tower window. You, Count Olaf, will go to jail, and the three children will live with me!

A voice from the audience: Arrest him!

Another voice from the audience: He's an evil man.

A Critic: And give us our money back! It was a lousy play!

(MR. POE takes COUNT OLAF'S arm.)

Mr. Poe: I hereby arrest you in the name(Cough)of the law!

Violet: Oh, Justice Strauss! Did you really mean what you said? Can we really live with you?

Justice Strauss: Of course I mean it! I am really fond of you children, and I feel responsible for your welfare.

Klaus: Can we use your library everyday?

Violet: Can we work in your garden?

Sunny: CAKE!

(COUNT OLAF suddenly punches MR. POE. He falls to the floor. He then slides toward VIOLET'S and speaks. As COUNT OLAF speaks the HOOK-HANDED MAN puts a rope around COUNT OLAF'S waist.)

Count Olaf: I'll get my hands on your fortune if it's the last thing I do! And when I have it, I'll kill you and your siblings with my own two hands! You are so deceased! You are just one orphan in a world of darkness! I Will find you Baudelaires (Whispers to VIOLET.) I am master of disguise!

(VIOLET gives a little cry. The theater troupe runs down the aisles of the theater heading towards the exit. They exit. Suddenly COUNT OLAF starts to is raised off the stage with the rope, and is flown out the backyard theater. COUNT OLAF laughs as he has his final exit. He says:)

Count Olaf:I'll be seeing you Violet! Don't think you are so safe.I always come back foran encore!

(COUNT OLAF disappears from the backyard theater as he says the words 'encore.')

Mr. Poe: Where did he go? Where did they all go?

Klaus: Well, Count Olaf flew out and his troupe must have run outside.

Mr. Poe: Blast it! They're gone. But don't worry children, we'll catch them. I'm going to call the police immediately

Justice Strauss: Well, lets go home, children. We can worry about this in the morning, when I've fixed you a good breakfast.

Mr. Poe: Wait a minute.

(MR. POE walks over to JUSTICE STRAUSS and the BAUDELAIRES.)

Mr. Poe: I am sorry to tell you this, children, but I cannot allow you to be raised by someone who is not a relative.

Violet: What? After all Justice Strauss has done for us.

Klaus: We never would have figured out Count Olaf's plan without her and her library! Without Justice Strauss, we would have lost our lives!

Mr. Poe: That may be so and I thank Justice Strauss for her generosity, but your parent's will is very specific. You must be adopted by a relative. Tonight you will stay with me in my home, and tomorrow I shall go to the bank and figure out what to do with you. I'm sorry, but that is the way it is.

Justice Strauss: Mr. Poe Is right. He must respect your parents' wishes. Don't you want to do what your parents wanted, children?

Violet: I guess your right, Justice Strauss. We will miss you very much.

Justice Strauss: I will miss you children, too.

Lemony Snicket: They then each gave Justice Strauss one last embrace, and followed Mr. and Mrs. Poe to their car. The Baudelaire orphans piled into the backseat, and peered out the back window at Justice Strauss, who was crying and waving at them, Ahead of then were the darkened streets and alleys, where Count Olaf and his troupe had escaped to plan more treachery, behind them was the kind judge, who had taken such an interest in the three children. To Violet, Klaus, and Sunny, it seemed that Mr. Poe and the law had made the incorrect decision to take them away from the possibility of a happy life with Justice Strauss and toward an unknown fate with some unknown relative. They did not understand it, but like so many unfortunate events in life, just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it isn't so. The Baudelaires bunched up together against the cold night air, and kept waving out the back window. The car drove farther and farther away, until Justice Strauss was just a speck in the darkness, and it seemed to the children that they were moving in an aberrant- the word "aberrant" here means very, very wrong, and causing much grief"- direction. And as Mr. Poe drove away Baudelaire orphans thought they were fortunate enough to get out of the clutches of Count Olaf and his evil acting troupe. And just like that the Baudelaire orphans went on to a new life and a new guardian.

(Beautiful music as we see Mr. POE'S car drive toward the horizon as the lights slowly fade. We hear "Scream and run away" as the cast has the curtain call. When the curtain call is over we hear COUNT OLAF'S horrible laugh. LEMONY SNICKET walks to CS and reads a letter. He is black lighted still.)

Lemony Snicket: To my kind editor,

I am writing to your from the London branch of the Herpetological Society, where I am trying to find out what happened to the reptile collection of Dr. Montgomery Montgomery following the tragic events that occurred while the Baudelaire orphans were in his care.

An associate of mine will place a small waterproof box in the phone booth of the Elektra Hotel at 11 PM next Tuesday. Please retrieve it before midnight to avoid it falling into the wrong hands. In the box you will find a description of these horrible events, entitled The Reptile Room, as well as a map of Lousy Lane, a copy of the film Zombies in the Snow, and Dr. Montgomery's recipe for coconut cream cake.

Remember, you are my last hope that the tales of the Baudelaire orphans can finally be brought to the theatrical stage.

With all due respect,

Lemony Snicket

Lemony Snicket

(After LEMONY SNICKET says this we hear sirens of a police vehicle. LEMONY SNICKET is alarmed and runs quickly down the center aisle and exits. A curtain falls with these words 'The End.')