I AM LORD VOLDEMORT.

Voldemort waved his wand and the letters switched places again.

I O AD M LOVE D O L M TR R.

"No, no, that won't work." said Jennifer Loinspez, sitting beside him.

"Nothing's good enough for you!" sobbed Voldemort. He was always at an emotional state when he was writing songs. Especially since Jennifer never appreciated him trying to write lyrics with the initials of his name. "It's art, dammit!"

"Your mama's art - white boy!" dissed Jennifer Loinspez.

"My mother ..." hissed Voldemort. "WAS A FILTHY MUDBLOOD LOVER! She must DIE!"

"I think she already is."

"Fool," said Voldemort. He sighed and conjured up more letters to fill in the spaces.

IF YOU HAD MY LOVE AND I GAVE YOU ALL MY TRUST WOULD YOU COMFORT ME

"I love that song," said Jennifer smugly.

"I wrote it!" sniffed Voldemort.

"Oh, come on, Voldie!" cooed Jennifer.

"No -- you promised to thank me in you liner notes. But you never did! The Dark Lord does not accept disloyalty. You must pay me back for years of deception. Crucio!"

But Jennifer Loinspez did not cower in the face of danger. She just turned herself around and hoisted her backside up the level of the angry looking jet of light and it bounced off, while she jiggled.

"Don't try it, Voldie," she said menacingly. "You know you can't control me like one of your Death Eaters. Now write!"

Voldemort scowled and raised his wand.

"No. For the last time. Use a pen!" said Jennifer Loinspez commandingly.

"You dare tell the Dark Lord what to do," said Voldemort in a deep threatening voice. He held up his wand, poised to strike. But then Jennifer Loinspez readied her rear-end for action and Voldemort knew he couldn't compete. "I'm using a quill! No filthy muggle writing instruments –" Jennifer Loinspez shook her bottom dangerously. The jig was up. "Very well!" he shouted angrily. "I'll use your damn pen."

He picked up a pen and glared at it. "Accursed fiend!" he said, but not loud enough for Jennifer Loinspez to hear. If his Death Eaters ever found out about this unusual arrangement they had he'd lose all of his credibility. But Voldemort didn't have to worry about Jennifer Loinspez not holding up her end of the bargain. She'd lose all her credibility too. Not many people knew that it was really the Dark Lord who wrote all of Jennifer Loinspez's songs. Not to mention, Mark Antony would flip if he knew!

But today she was really pushing it. Jennifer Loinspez knew that Voldemort couldn't just come up with a song like that. (At this point, Voldemort snapped his fingers.) All of his songs came out of his strong emotion and feelings that he had at the time. If he was going through an important time in his life and his wand was nearby (which it always was. Really! The Dark Lord be without his wand?) then the music and lyrics would just pour out him and his wand into sparkly shimmery letters floating in midair.

And inevitably, Jennifer Loinspez would come by and claim the song as hers!

At first, Voldemort hadn't really minded. He had a reputation to uphold. And it certainly would've been tarnished, no DECIMATED, if he ever released an album. Even if it was a success, how would Voldemort know if everyone bought the CD out of fear or if they actually enjoyed the beats. Jennifer Loinspez was the perfect way to spread his music with the world.

But lately things were getting more complicated.

What had started out as a friendly but top secret relationship was turning into a slave driver – submissive fool relationship.

And Voldemort himself was the submissive fool! He was the Dark Lord! He dictated he was not dictated to. But Jennifer Loinspez had become very demanding. And Voldemort found himself locked in an arrangement that could destroy his reputation.

And just as things had started going well, too! He had risen back from the "dead." Snape was back on his side. Even Dumbledore was dead!

Jennifer Loinspez's demands were getting ridiculous. It had all started when she started asking him to write songs about specific things. Voldemort had grown used to writing songs in the moment and then allowing Jennifer Loinspez to sing them. But one day she'd asked him to do a song about Ben. Ben Affleech!

You can say what you want about Voldemort, but he never walked around in a pink sweatsuit holding the hand of man who had a chin the size of a Mongolian Swamp Woodchuck!

Now, she was actually forcing him to write a song with power of her voluptuous curves, so often praised in fashion magazines – now wreaking havoc against the terror of the Wizarding World.

One thing was for sure, something had to be done.

Thanks for reading this! Please review and I'll continue exposing the horrible truth about Voldemort and J.Lo that we have been turning a blind eye too!

Just in case you were wondering, I don't own Harry potter. Any resemblance of these characters to anyone real is PURELY coincidental. And you know Jennifer Lopez? Yeah. Her. Well, I used some her songs in this just for kicks. But no one in this fic actually WROTE/SANG any of her songs… SINCE THEY'RE NOT REAL!