Summary: It's been four months since Emily returned from the dead and the BAU team is finally settling back into a routine. She'd known that the team would be upset, that she couldn't necessarily pick up right where she'd left off, but she hadn't anticipated Reid.
A/N – I obviously do not own Criminal Minds or any of the characters in this story. Comments, both positive and constructive, are welcome!
Emily had always viewed herself as a protector of victims, friends, and, of course, gangly younger co-workers. That, she told herself, was the reason she was standing in front of Reid's apartment door at ten thirty on a work night. When she'd died, since her return, their relationship had shifted and soured and she was desperate to pull all back together again.
000
It had been a tough case, physically and emotionally draining for everyone on the team. They'd apprehended the unsub minutes too late to save the fourth victim, a dark haired woman in her early forties who made it into surgery, but bled out on the table.
Evelyn Price hadn't left behind children, a spouse, or siblings, but one by one her closest friends, as good as family, had appeared in the waiting room. They paced, sipped lukewarm coffee, and glanced up every time a nurse or doctor passed.
Most of the team headed back to the station to debrief the local cops and break down the evidence boards; they would fly home in the morning. At one fourteen am under florescent lights in the claustrophobic waiting room, Emily stood quietly by as JJ broke the news of Evelyn's death and she watched a group of good, kind people fall apart.
000
JJ broke the silence on the drive back to the hotel.
"Every time I deliver that news it brings me back to the night you died," she said, her eyes not leaving the road. "The looks on their faces, seeing those words destroy them, it's something I'll never be able to forget."
Emily looked across to JJ, took in the other woman's tight grip on the steering wheel, and waited.
"I'd do it all again if it meant keeping you safe, keeping our team safe, but I don't think they'll ever fully forgive me."
"I owe you my life, JJ," Emily said slowly. It had been months since her return, but she still felt it, too, the hesitancy, rough edges where the team had once been a well oiled machine. "And I would die a hundred times if it meant keeping the team safe, even if I knew they would hate me forever. I'm so sorry that you got caught up in all this."
JJ glanced away from the road and over at Emily. Her blue eyes red with fatigue.
"Do you think it'll ever go back to normal?"
Emily pondered the question and JJ turned her eyes back to the road.
"I'm honestly not sure," she answered as JJ pulled into the hotel parking lot. "Maybe they just need more time."
000
The entire team had been affected by the lie JJ and Hotch had concocted to keep them safe, but Emily knew that both she and JJ were most worried about Reid.
At first Garcia had been mad, but the more she dwelt on it, the more it gave way to empathy and a deep sadness for Emily's predicament. She was so relieved to learn the truth, that she'd shoved her way through those emotions and wholeheartedly embraced her friend's return.
Rossi was disgruntled that he'd been officially left out of the loop, but Emily had a feeling that he'd suspected all along that something was off. He was happy to have her back home and took her out to lunch every week or so to ask how she was adjusting.
Morgan was still angry, but his anger was more deeply rooted in feelings of betrayal and frustration that people he considered family had broken his trust. Though it wasn't easy, Emily had been mending her relationship with Morgan. She knew that she'd never convince him the lie had been necessary, but she was patient and didn't demand his understanding or forgiveness.
Reid, however, well Reid was tricky. Reid, despite everything life had thrown at him, was quick to trust and loyal to a fault, but it was the deliberate abandonment that did him in. Emily had disappeared from his life without a word, without even a goodbye, and while he was, of course, glad to see her alive, he'd kept her at an arm's length ever since.
Upon learning the truth, Reid had expressed his anger and frustration with Hotch and JJ. For weeks Emily braced for him to finally turn those verbal jabs on her, but it never came. Then, one Tuesday when she'd been back for six weeks and the team had finally begun settling back into a rhythm, it hit her. Her relationship with Reid had inherently changed and he didn't seem to have any interest in letting it drift back to normal.
He began bringing his lunch to work every day, tactfully avoiding ever joining her at the deli down the street. A local theatre hosted a Doctor Who marathon, but her text inviting him to join her went unanswered.
Sure, they could walk a crime scene together, analyze evidence elbow to elbow in a windowless conference room, but gone were the days when he would regale her with facts and figures unrelated to the case.
He was a solid co-worker, a consummate professional, but as the weeks wore on Emily found herself desperate for a lecture on Roman versus Greek gods or the various methods of verifying the authenticity of Renaissance artwork.
In her desperation, she began trying to coax it out of him, asking leading questions that before Doyle would have easily earned her a twenty-minute history lesson. Each time he averted his eyes and didn't take the bait.
000
Emily barely managed to pull on her pajamas before collapsing into the hotel bed; she didn't even remember falling asleep. Five hours later at the insistence of her alarm, Emily dragged herself out of bed and into the shower before meeting the rest of the BAU team in the lobby. At least, she thought in passing, she wasn't the only one who looked like hell.
The ride to the airstrip was quiet; as usual Reid had waited until she stepped into one SUV before climbing into the backseat of the second.
The four-hour flight back to DC was just as quiet. Hotch and Rossi sat side by side in silent companionship. JJ sat next to Emily with a book in her lap and Morgan listened to music with his eyes closed across the aisle. Reid stretched across the seats in the rear of the jet and promptly fell back asleep.
"I don't expect anyone in until tomorrow morning," Hotch announced when they landed. There were murmurs of gratitude; it had been a grueling four days and everyone was drained.
Before, she would have offered Reid a ride home, but she was too tired to deal with his blank stare and quiet rejection, so she said nothing. Morgan, always protective of Reid, motioned for the young profiler to climb into his car. Before sliding into the driver's seat, Morgan caught Emily's eye, frowned slightly and nodded. Her efforts and Reid's response, she realized, were not going unnoticed.
Emily unlocked the door to her apartment and nearly stumbled over Sergio as he tried to escape out the front door.
"Not today, buddy," she mumbled scooping the black cat into her arms. "Momma's too tired to chase you down the hall."
Sergio seemed to understand because instead of resisting he gently headbutted her in the chin and began purring.
Emily kicked off her shoes and padded down the hallway, past the kitchen, and into her bedroom. Her stomach rumbled, but she was too drained to eat. Instead she climbed into bed, fully dressed and still cradling the cat.
000
Four godforsaken hours later, Emily lay awake in her bed staring up at the ceiling. Sleep, though she craved it, had never come. Sergio had long since wiggled out of her arms and disappeared. Apparently he didn't have patience for all of her tossing and turning.
Lying in bed, eyes squeezed shut, she'd been unable to banish Reid from her thoughts. Time and time again she found herself picturing his reaction to her death, the look on his face, his body language. Her stomach twisted at the thought of shedding tears for her, at the thought of him fighting and then slowly accepting the news.
She didn't, of course, have any way of actually knowing how he'd reacted, how any of them had reacted. No one ever talked about that night and she would never ask. All she had to go on was a vague idea of how she would respond to news of his death, Reid being rushed to the hospital, Reid bleeding out on the operating table.
The longer she laid in bed, the worse the feeling in her gut, the tighter she clamped her teeth together, until at last she accepted that sleep would not come and climbed out of bed.
She fed Sergio, nibbled on a granola bar, showered again, but still she couldn't force herself to relax.
"There's no way around this, is there?" She asked Sergio. He was perched on the edge of the kitchen counter, his green eyes judgmental.
"You're right," she conceded. "This is a last ditch effort."
The cat watched as Emily pulled on her jacket, grabbed her purse, and headed out the door.
That was how Emily found herself standing in front of Reid's apartment door at ten thirty on a work night when she knew with ninety-seven percent certainty that he would turn her away.